exoticb Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 I'm 23 years old and have been seeing my boyfriend for almost 4 years now. We started out just as friends and as the friendship grew stronger I began wanting more (as so many women do). At first he pulled away but in a few weeks of not having me around he came back and was willing to give up the single life to start a relationship with me. That was 2.5 years ago. Since then, my mother has been totally cool about him. Even before the relationship started he was regularly invited to dinners, parties and even on trips. Only this year has she come to me telling me how i should not marry him and that he's just good for the time being. Telling me how he isn't the one and i shouldn't get too serious. The first week of August we took a family trip to Aruba in which SHE INVTED HIM!!! He loves my family and we speak of marriage often but we know that at 23 and 25, it isn't quite time yet. After the trip my mother called me AT WORK just to tell me that even though she invited him that she just can't get over how at first he didnt want to be in the relationship with me and only came around whenever I gave him the boot. She says i'm a tophy to him and that he isn't serious and is all about self. Our relationship is great, he's caring, supportive, motivating and loving to me and my family. I dont know what shes looking for in him to make her change her mind. She even told me that since no one stayed on her about not marrying my father that shes going to stay on me just to make sure that i dont marry him. Although my father was abusive.. my boyfriend has none of those traits, doesn't even raise his voice when we argue and calls it a "disagreement not an arguement". I dont know what to do, while i'm not looking for marriage in the near future i know that shes going to be constantly in my ear. She even told me if i do decide to marry him not to ask for her help...I mean COME ON!! My boyfriend has no idea whats going on with her and i think its better not to have her in the mix of our good thing. What should I do?
quankanne Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 At first he pulled away but in a few weeks of not having me around he came back and was willing to give up the single life to start a relationship with me. sounds like your mom has translated his behavior into something that a "bad" husband would do, based on her personal experience. And while her heart's in the right place, she's got to pull back and see that your BF is NOT the same as your dad … and that you are not her. you probably should explain that to her, that despite what happens between you and him, it's not what happened in her marriage, and she's not giving ANY of y'all a fair shake by forcing him into your dad's role. in all fairness to her, it sounds like she's doing this out of love and protection, because she doesn't want you to experience what she did ...
quankanne Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 do you think your mom also might be telling you these things because she also wants to protect her heart from being hurt if you get hurt? because something my mom told me a couple of years after I married made me think of this: Whenever I'd get into arguments with my husband, I'd tell my mother what he said or did to upset me or led to a fight, and after awhile, she asked me not to tell her because it wasn't fair to him to take my side because she loved him as much as she loved me. looking at your situation, maybe your mom's saying these things because you're her baby and she doesn't want to let herself love him if it means being "disloyal" to you ... it's easier to tell you to run because you (and she) will be safe from any future hurt (even if he's nothing like your dad, she might be thinking he could cause you pain) ...
Author exoticb Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 You could be right.... when she talks to me, it sounds more like she doesn't trust my judgement, but I could be wrong. You hit the nail on the head when you said you'd tell your mother the things he said or did. I made that mistake early on and shes never let go of it. She even told me that a man that could hurt me could never love me, that I dont agree with. So, I can't figure out if her intentions are just to protect me or to control my situation. You would think that she'd support my decision to stay with him but she honestly doesn't and has no intentions on leaving me alone about it. So should I just suck it up and hope she gets over it? or leave him alone? I feel like if I do, i'd resent her for it.
quankanne Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 yep, sounds like she's gone into high-gear protective mama mode. And in a way, that's good, because her instinct is meant to keep you safe, but also makes it hard because you care so much about this guy. talk with her. And let her know that maybe telling her your problems might have made her see him in a less favorable light, but that you care about him, and that you want to see this relationship through, no matter how it ends (marriage, splitting up, etc). Because she's going to have to trust your judgement when it comes to situations like this – even if her first instinct is to keep you safe from harm. that way you acknowlege her worries/fears, but you also let her know that you've got a handle on the situation. If that talk doesn't ease the situation some, you might have to tell her point blank that you are not her; that your relationships aren't necessarily repeats of hers; that she's going to have to trust your judgement ... then don't give her warnings your complete focus. best of luck to you, this is not an easy thing to do ...
birdie Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 agree with the post above. I think your mum is perhaps a little controlling. I think the only way to deal with that is to nip it in the bud now because otherwise she will always feel that she will have to tell you what to do. Talk to her nicely and respectfully (which you would anyway) and explain that you appreciate her wisdom that comes with her experience but at the same time you are an adult now, you are a different person from her and that you also need to make your own mistakes. Promise her that you will always look after yourself and won't put up with abuse/bad treatment, etc
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