milvushina Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 My husband and I used to living walking-distance from our work. I would walk, because he is chronically late. We moved across town, and now it seems like I have two decisions 1) be late every day or 2) nag him until we leave on time. We only have 1 car, obviously. The thing is I do not nag him that bad. I get up at 6:30, dress, cook breakfast, fix our lunches. I let him sleep until 7:30 because he is really cranky otherwise. Then he lets the dog out, but he also plays with her, checks his email, etc. Then he starts to get dressed and because he often wasn't the last to do laundry, asks me where shirts and pants are. I laugh and say check your drawers! Well he gets really irritable and sarcastic and says they could have been in the washing machine. Next, I start to get panicky because I have to stop being late, and it's time to go. I find his wallet and belt scattered and put them on the couch so he can find them. I say, "It's 10 till!" I buttered our biscuits and then asked him if I could help him find his hat or glasses or anything. He got really mad. Says he will just take me and come back home because he'd rather do that than listen to my "****". I mean, I really don't nag that bad. I have told him before that my boss has asked me to get in on time... he sounded concerned but nothing changed. I finally bought a bike so I can just leave at 7:30 and let him be as late as he wants. Problem is school just started and I have purse, lunch, workout clothes, coffee jug, and backpack and it all won't fit in my bike packs... very awkward. I'm just so sick of fighting every darn morning. We normally have sex in the mornings, and if we're running late we don't usually and that makes him more irritated. I just don't know what to do, I love my husband but our mornings together getting ready for work are awful. While I was typing this, I got a call from HIS supervisor asking me if he will be in today. It seems he told his 3-rd shift coworker he would be in at 8:00, and the 3-rd shift guy is still waiting for relief so he can get his room-mate to class by 9:00. (It's 8:35 here now). Please help! Why won't he listen to reason? Why does he interpret it as nagging?
IMUSTBEAFOOL Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 I THINK HE IS NOT PULLING HIS FAIR SHARE OF THE LOAD AND HE IS SHIFTING BLAME ON TO YOU - UNACCEPTABLE - SOUNDS LIKE HE MIGHT JUST BE STARTING TO ENTYER A DEPRESSIVE STATE, GET HIM TO CHECK WITH HIS DOCTOR AND SIT DOWN WITH HIM AN NEGOITATE HOW THE MORNING ROUTINE MUST BE - MY EXGF DID THAT BECAUSE WE HAD A BLENDED FAMILY AND WE NEEDED ORDER GOOD LUCK:rolleyes:
Micke81 Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 I think you should sit him down, maybe this evening, and tell him how ridiculous and unprofessional this is, and that he has to start getting up at 7.
Author milvushina Posted August 27, 2007 Author Posted August 27, 2007 Okay. Those are both good ideas. THANK you for making me feel at least like I'm not nuts. I just get so sick of hearing "I'm sorry if I was pissy this morning... I am not a morning person" etc. I'm not either!! And I don't mind doing the majority of cooking and morning chores. He thanks me and he does pull his weight at home at other times. Do you know how some people say your name when they're angry and it sounds like they could be talking to a dog or something? My husband fights like that. I avoid the word "hurry" like the plague and basically I hint that he needs to hurry by telling him I've fed the dog, I'm opening the office so I have to be there first, etc. He will say, "You have plenty of time! You act just like your mom (I told him she's one of those who gets at the airport 4 hours early) and today although he got me there at 8 sharp he drove 70 on a 45 which was totally unnecessary, took as many violent turns as possible and barely answered me when I told him I wasn't sure what time I'll be home from class - (first day, late classes). I just really have my feelings hurt. Maybe in my spare time I will write down some pointers that we can talk about. It just feels like we've talked about it all. Add to it that once in a while (maybe twice a month) we are late because I slept late. He'll throw that in my face too. Every other time we treat each other great. But when that side of him comes out I wonder if I really want kids because they will act like their parents and do I really want multiple people talking to me that way whenever they are "pissy because they are just not morning people"
corazoncito Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Just a temporary fix, but do you think he'd notice if you set all of the clocks ahead 10 minutes?
Lizzie60 Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 sorry but no matter what you do... you won't change him. This is chronic... I really don't know how you manage... I would have left a looong time ago. I can't cope with this type of people... he would drive me up the walls... Get a car, never mind him.... if he's late, he's late... don't cook his breakfast, nothing... let him pull his share. What are you? his mother... I can put up with many things...but THAT ... never. No counselling, no ultimatums.. nothing will change him.
Author milvushina Posted August 27, 2007 Author Posted August 27, 2007 Yeah, setting the clocks ahead do not fool him. Haha Nah I don't act like his mother. I just usually fix some food the night before, and then bake some biscuits or something. I could get him to get up at 7:00, but I'd have to fight him out of bed. It's definitely not bad enough to make me want to leave. You might think I'm naive LIzzie my dear, but I really do believe that if he tried hard enough he could be punctual. Half of it is planning. I'm fast because I have my clothes ready - food ready - etc. Believe me, I'd love another car. The only reason I don't let him hang himself is because he's my ride to work. He can be as late as he wants, when I'm riding my bike. Just sucks... I am not a morning person either and it's a good 30-min. ride which means more clothes to change once I get to work. But it's great for you... I just try to look at it that way. My husband is really really awesome he just has this temper, these mood swings and snappiness that really throw me off.
Author milvushina Posted August 27, 2007 Author Posted August 27, 2007 He just called to apologize if he was an azz. No matter how fast he tries to get ready, it seems like it's not fast enough for me. I am AT WORK so I couldn't really talk. Do you accept my apology, he wants to know. I accepted it over and over for over a year, so I said, I don't know. Maybe we can talk about it a little more after work? Needless to say he got pretty upset. Fine then. The talking to a dog voice. He really thinks it's my fault, and I can't imagine what I could do to make his mornings easier. Still he seems to find a way to drag his feet.
whichwayisup Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 He's a grown man. If he needs more sleep then he should go to bed earlier, so he can wake up WITH enough time so he can check emails, play with the dog and take his time getting ready. Otherwise he just has to SUCK IT UP and be a responsible adult! Let him be late for work. Let HIM suffer the consquences - I mean his boss shouldn't be calling you, the boss should be calling HIM and letting him know that he's been late too many times! Involving you is wrong. Is there anyone you work with who lives close by? Maybe carpool with them.
Lizzie60 Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 sure sounds like a mother to me: Nah I don't act like his mother. I just usually fix some food the night before, and then bake some biscuits or something. I could get him to get up at 7:00, but I'd have to fight him out of bed. Half of it is planning. I'm fast because I have my clothes ready - food ready - etc. Yabut who doing ALL the work.. who's doing ALL the planning! What a selfish jerk! Oh well...
whichwayisup Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 He really thinks it's my fault, and I can't imagine what I could do to make his mornings easier. Still he seems to find a way to drag his feet. You know what? Stop doing EVERYTHING for him...Sorry but you've kind of created the monster before you...How is this your fault? IS he nuts?
whichwayisup Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Do you accept my apology, he wants to know. I accepted it over and over for over a year, so I said, I don't know. Maybe we can talk about it a little more after work? How sorry is he? Not enough to make ANY effort to change...He knows by saying sorry to you, he then can continue his behaviour... Question is, IS this a deal breaker? How long can you do this? I wouldn't say you're mothering him, but you're definately making it easier for him to act the way he's been acting...Not sayin you should break up with him, UNLESS this stuff is making you feel less and less for him...
corazoncito Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 My ex and I had a very similar problem. Luckily, we lived walking/biking distance to work/school and there was also a bus line right on our street. So we never got the point you're at. But I don't think I would have had any more luck getting him out on time. He was never even awake before I left. Later I got a fellowship to live abroad a year, he ended up staying behind in our apartment. I learned that he suddenly started getting up early and getting his behind to his office when I normally would. I don't know if it was some issue of pride, that he didn't want to make it seem like I was controlling his schedule. But, like your H, he was totally capable of getting out the door on time, I guess he just didn't want to do it without it seeming like it was his idea. It's a pain, but I'd suggest just biking in for a week or two. Just let him do his thing and don't say anything to him about getting a move on. Get yourself ready, say goodbye nicely, and leave on time. See if this has any effect. All that cycling is really good for you anyway? Sorry I don't have any better advice.
Author milvushina Posted August 27, 2007 Author Posted August 27, 2007 sure sounds like a mother to me: Nah I don't act like his mother. I just usually fix some food the night before, and then bake some biscuits or something. I could get him to get up at 7:00, but I'd have to fight him out of bed. Half of it is planning. I'm fast because I have my clothes ready - food ready - etc. Yabut who doing ALL the work.. who's doing ALL the planning! What a selfish jerk! Oh well... No you're right. I'm not trying to get out of things by saying that it's not my fault for letting it go on. But I do the cooking - 90% and I am fine with that. We just eat leftovers at work. I often do cook breakfast for me and not him. I'm not obliged to, I know. I'd love to involve him more with the organization and planning. I'm sure he would be open to it. I just don't know how.
Author milvushina Posted August 27, 2007 Author Posted August 27, 2007 How sorry is he? Not enough to make ANY effort to change...He knows by saying sorry to you, he then can continue his behaviour... Question is, IS this a deal breaker? How long can you do this? I wouldn't say you're mothering him, but you're definately making it easier for him to act the way he's been acting...Not sayin you should break up with him, UNLESS this stuff is making you feel less and less for him... It's not dealbreaker bad. It is just that we literally fight 3-4 mornings and it always is about me being overbearing and nagging...I don't think I am but even if so he doesn't have to be all sarcastic and mean. So those days I get to work and I'm bummed out for a while over the fights we just had. Should I tell him I need effort instead of apologies? Should I ask him to agree to a time to get up or a time to leave by?
Author milvushina Posted August 27, 2007 Author Posted August 27, 2007 You know what? Stop doing EVERYTHING for him...Sorry but you've kind of created the monster before you...How is this your fault? IS he nuts? I know, but I'm not sure how. We both are good about laundry. I don't sit his clothes out for him, or force him to wake up. Sometimes I think he's ready in time and then thinks "oh now I have time to screw around" and doesn't understand why I get upset that he's playing with the dog or having a smoke. Even if I just get my bags and wait on the couch for him to be ready, he gets mad because he thinks I'm being passive agressive.
Author milvushina Posted August 27, 2007 Author Posted August 27, 2007 I learned that he suddenly started getting up early and getting his behind to his office when I normally would. I don't know if it was some issue of pride, that he didn't want to make it seem like I was controlling his schedule. But, like your H, he was totally capable of getting out the door on time, I guess he just didn't want to do it without it seeming like it was his idea. It's a pain, but I'd suggest just biking in for a week or two. Just let him do his thing and don't say anything to him about getting a move on. Get yourself ready, say goodbye nicely, and leave on time. See if this has any effect. All that cycling is really good for you anyway? Sorry I don't have any better advice. No, your advice is fine. This is where I am now anyway. I'm kinda lazy... exhausted when I wake up.. and with classes till 10 two nights a week.. From my house to work is a 5 mile ride. I can make it in 30 minutes. I think I will make it a goal of doing it at least two weeks straight, the best I can. I love to work out so it's not really that bad. But I have to carry a heavy backpack, I have a basket for lunch and a change of clothes.. It is just a pain. Now I'm just complaining. It's just if it were me, I'd get him to work at 8 no problem. And no it's not because of my schedule; he was chronically late before we met. He used to work 2nd shift and folks told me they were always waiting until 4:30 for him to show up.
whichwayisup Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Should I tell him I need effort instead of apologies? Should I ask him to agree to a time to get up or a time to leave by? Yes! And tell him that HIS BOSS is now calling YOU about when he's gonna show up to work. It's one thing at home, dealing with him, but now it's involving you at work and that is unfair.
Micke81 Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Wait, you have to be at work at 8am and he doesn't get up until 7:30??? That's crazy! I only live 2 miles for work and I'd never make it. Especially if there is computer and dog time in the morning! Say something along the lines of, "You've apologized over and over, what I need to really believe you is a commitment to get up at 7am instead of 7:30. 1/2 an hour is just not enough time for you to get ready and get me to work in the morning. There is nothing wrong with that, you just need to allow more time to get ready in the morning." Then stick to it.
whichwayisup Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 change of clothes.. Leave some work clothes at work that you can change into...And the days when he IS on time, you don't have to worry about it.
whichwayisup Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 It is just unfair that because he is late, you have to be late. It's selfish of him and maybe it's time he started thinking of other people (YOU!) other than himself in the morning. Either way, look into the car pooling, or see if you can afford a second (used) car.
serial muse Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 I'm a chronically late person (although I'm aware of it and do try to make an effort) so I thought I'd weigh in. Your story reminds me of when I was in high school and my sister (two years older) would drive us to school. I've always had a more, um, "fluid" sense of timeliness, and that caused some serious battles between us in the mornings. She was always early and I would drag my heels because a. I was cranky in the morning, and b. I did think she was nagging me. By which I mean to say, I think you've done everything you can do to change things, and now you have to accept that he's not making the choice to alter his inner timetable. Frankly, she should have left me at home (thank goodness she didn't, but seriously...she should have. No matter how annoying her nagging was, and it was very very annoying, the fact is that I was the one being passive-aggressive in that scenario - and, by the way, so is he! Not you. Although I doubt he'll acknowledge it. :-) ) It's selfish of him, yes, because unfortunately it affects you too. But it sounds like you've done everything you can to try to change things, and as a result you now have to pretty much accept that it's just not up to you. It sucks, but at this point you have to take care of you in whatever way you can, and let him fend for himself. If you can at least separate your schedules so that they're not dependent on each others', then that might remove a lot of the tension. So, here's one suggestion, for what it's worth. Can you take the car instead, and let him bike? Somehow that seems a lot more fair.
corazoncito Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 So, here's one suggestion, for what it's worth. Can you take the car instead, and let him bike? Somehow that seems a lot more fair. That's a good suggestion Serial Muse. Would it work? Or what if you agreed to take turns having the car (changing every week)? That way it wouldn't seem like he's beieng "punished" for not keeping to schedule. You could say that you just don't have the energy to bike every week.
Author milvushina Posted August 27, 2007 Author Posted August 27, 2007 So, here's one suggestion, for what it's worth. Can you take the car instead, and let him bike? Somehow that seems a lot more fair. I totally understand (you and him) and I was much the same way until I got the job I have now. We both work at University, but my building is a 5-min. drive, 30 min bike ride... he is on campus, 15 min. drive who knows how long bike ride! And not very safe.
Author milvushina Posted August 27, 2007 Author Posted August 27, 2007 Wait, you have to be at work at 8am and he doesn't get up until 7:30??? That's crazy! I only live 2 miles for work and I'd never make it. Especially if there is computer and dog time in the morning! Say something along the lines of, "You've apologized over and over, what I need to really believe you is a commitment to get up at 7am instead of 7:30. 1/2 an hour is just not enough time for you to get ready and get me to work in the morning. There is nothing wrong with that, you just need to allow more time to get ready in the morning." Then stick to it. I think that's about what I'll say. I'm more annoyed than mad. Yeah I sleep until 7:00 sometimes, but we just need to leave by 7:55. He'll leave by 8:10... his hours are more flexible. I know, it does sound selfish. I don't think he means it that way.
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