Lying Husband - What's wrong with me?

[New_Wife]

I don't imagine any of you even remember me. I was on here shortly after getting married a few years ago b/c I discovered that my (then) newlywed husband had been obsessively looking at porn behind my back - and against our (supposed) agreement.

 

By the way - I do not make any global statement on porn - so please don't throw your pro or con porn statements at me. I just personally don't accept it in my life or as acceptable in a marriage. If you do - that's okay by me - just please respect that I don't.

 

Either way, that discovery nearly split us up, and we spent much time in counseling over it. I found out a few weeks ago - while having, what I thought was, a tender moment with the husband - that the woman he'd been viewing for hours on end, in every imaginable state of undress - was/is his friend's wife. Oh, but wait - because that's not all! The reason for this disclosure is the trip we were planning - that I'm currently on and typing from a motel out-of-state - would likely put us in direct contact with said naked person, and he was afraid I'd recognize her. That ranked a pretty big "no ShXt" from me, as every nuance of her naked form is forever imprinted on my memory after stumbling across her in full HD digital format. Oh, and just to add a wee bit more fun to it -he didn't tell me this for so long because I had "made such a big deal of it" back then.

 

Imagine that. Me, getting upset that he was masterdebating to images of a friend's wife. Isn't that something? The nerve! As though I should have issues with either of those ideas of marraige! I've got some nerve!

 

So he tells me this after we've already planned the trip, gotten my kids all excited for their first vacation & plane ride - not to mention the fantasy weekend at his parents house - that I couldn't deny them without feeling like an absolute jerk. I then try to find flights that will take me and the kids back home after the weekend at his parents, because I want no part of this fantasy football draft wherein my husband is wandering around these people's home - oh, and did I mention they have an open marriage? yup - good times. He then begs me not to do that, and swears that he just won't even go to this draft party. That our marriage is more imporant. yadda yadda yadda.

 

I, being a complete moron, actually felt guilty the next day for him not being able to go to this thing, so I email him from work that I don't have a problem with him going to this party if he swears to me that there will be no other females there ESPECIALLY her, and that if she is there he will leave immediately. Not only does he agree - he goes on to tell me that he's called the guy, explained the situation, and she will not be there. He reiterates this, and later tells me that he's "explained the whole situation" to him and he understood - the wife won't be there.

 

Can you see it coming?

 

So I found out it was all a big huge hairy lie when I was taking his best friend's kid to the mall today. She was at the draft party, and I teased her about being the only girl there.

 

What does he say when I confront him? It's my fault. I asked to much of him. He can't tell his friend's that he can't go "because my wife's f'n crazy."

 

I guess I am.

 

Afterall - I believed him.

 

What now? How in the heck can I do anything when, not only can I not trust him, I can't even trust my radar where he's concerned. I freakin' believed him when he told me how sorry he was. I believed him when he begged me not to cancel the trip - or fly out early. God help me, I believed him when he made noises about me being more important than that - but when push comes to shove - I'm not. we're not.

 

And he just started throwing every mean thing he could at me. Now it's my fault. He's yelling at me and I'm afraid.

[Mezzi]

Well im my opinion you should not have sent the email stating that he can go but if she is there he is to immediately leave. That was the biggest mistake you made.

 

Anyway, its bad that your husband is looking at images of his friend's wife and to be it seems that maybe a swinger situation minus you could take place. The whole thing just seems creepy and for want of a better word trashy.

 

I would say tell your husband that he is to keep communication with that couple to a minimum or else BUT then he would probably just talk to them behind your back.

 

It seems your husband sees everything as a joke or as not a big deal and thinks you are making much ado about nothing or at least would have you believe that.

 

I too would be very uncomfortable in your shoes and would make it clear through not being overly friendly with the swinging couple that id rather not interact with them.

 

Maybe if you get a bit more unfriendly they will become uncomfortable and seek to distance themselves from your whole family.

 

Im rambling at this point lol but I tried to help you as best I could.

 

Hope I have said something helpful.

 

All the best in your husband breaking ties from that crazy open couple and from porn.

[New_Wife]

Thank you for responding to me. I m a mess right now. I hurt so bad I don't make any sense, even to myself. I had a glass of wine to calm donw - not smart, I know - and then he woke up and wanted to "talk". yeah right. talk. So I listened, and ried to defend myself, because somehow I always have to defend myself, and I drank more wine. trouble - I know. He's good at pointing out how unreasonable I am though, so I drank some more, and then I lost it. Which really blows because now none of this has any weight versus my bipolar disorder because I lost my cool and gave in to the disorder and fell apart.

 

But I suspect a "normal" woman would've fallen apart too. No like I know??? What's the official litmus test for normal in the face of a husband drinking with a porn star these days and lying about it? But no matter. It's my fault, and i'm unreasonable, and just a mental case or something.

 

Man, i just hurt so bad.

 

why?

 

You know what irony is? it's your husband spending the last two days with his best friend who is mourning the loss of his wife and wishing he would've made different choices - while your husband is giving you the emotional/trust finger. That's irony.

[Zapbasket]

Call me a prude but I find this all shocking, and yet...

 

To me the most disturbing thing about your story is how easily your husband belittles your feelings. This does not bode well for the two of you; it must make you feel crazy in this situation in particular.

 

I so feel for you--how are you going to handle things from here now that he's pretty much affirmed that your feelings about the situation don't matter? In your shoes, I'd be tempted to raise hell.

 

How is the rest of your marraige? Is this the only circumstance in which your husband disregards your feelings?

[New_Wife]

No. He pretty much doesn't care unless it's something he agrees with. He only wants me when he thinks someone else might, and he's only sorry when it's so bad that I either am ready to leave or am about to slit my wrists. Sux, because he's a wonderful step father. best my kids have ever had.

[Zapbasket]

So then...why do you stay with him? I mean, what's so striking about your story is the extent to which your distress doesn't bother him at all. It's like you don't exist; daily doses of that can't feel good. If he's such a good stepfather, if you left him wouldn't he continue to be involved with your children?

 

Have you resumed MC after your unpleasant discovery?

[New_Wife]

I discovered this less than 10 hours ago. we are in AZ right now, on this "vacation" where it happened. I'm stuck in another state, in this weird hotel, where I couldn't find my way to the airport if I wanted to, with this lying man who I wish I'd never met.

 

Honestly, I've stayed with him because I love him. He's always seemed so straight forward and honest. Ha! Me, with my exceptional IQ, dumb as a rock when it comes to judging honesty. I stopped dating pretty boys because they were all liars so I could have a shot at a decent guy. oops.

 

Thank you for responding to me. I'm just so alone tonight.

[Zapbasket]

One thing I've been thinking about re: my recent relationship is how love causes us to make things true about the other person or the relationship that simply *aren't* true. I was upset, for example, that my partner was so avoidant of issues and yet I kept "inventing" him as someone who would discuss things with me. In retrospect I wish I'd looked at the stark fact, unadorned with love: he avoids issues and doesn't communicate his feelings to me. It may not have led to me leaving him (I really, really loved him--and still do; there were lots of wonderful qualities that accompanied the stonewalling tendencies), but it would have enabled me to deal more realistically and more level-headedly with the problem. Instead, I would up becoming a screaming banshee at the end and have now to remember my undignified, un-compassionate, and ineffectual behavior.

 

Your husband is not an honest, straightforward man. He may have some wonderful qualities, but he's a weasel. It could be that this is simply his character, or it could be that he's stubborn, used to getting what he wants, and hasn't yet figured out within himself why it's cool with him to masturbate to nude pics of his friend's wife. I don't know what the anecdote is to someone who's used to getting what they want. I guess you try to talk to them openly about it, and then if they don't hear you you involve a third party (e.g., a MC), and if that doesn't work you separate. Faced with the actual loss of you, he might try to make some changes. It could be that he just doesn't know how to consider someone else's feelings, or he has some block to considering yours--a block which hopefully could reveal itself in counseling.

 

I don't know. You're in a rough situation. May I ask, do you have good times together? Does he make you happy in other ways?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Hi, NewWife - I do remember you. You have a very memorable avatar!

 

I may be missing something, but what bothers me more than him viewing the pictures was how he got them in the first place. She had to have been in on it on some level, and there had to be some sort of interaction between the two of them for her to agree to give him said images with the implicit understanding that he was going to jerk off to them. Which leads me to the assumption that there is a lot more going on than just looking at and jerking off to pictures (particularly since she is in an open marriage and has no problem with f*cking around on her husband or with someone else's). His reaction to your very NORMAL fears and actions in this situation are telling as well. I don't think you have the whole story here, NewWife - where there is smoke there is fire, and being in possession of someone's personal nudies, and being all angry and belligerent while outright LYING is a whole lot of frickin' smoke.

[New_Wife]

Hi LucreziaBorgia, I remember you too. The bad news bear really is something, isn't she? I forgot all about her until you mentioned it.

 

Apparently, they all worked in the same place - this couple and my husband - and that's how he found out about it. Even that, though, I question now.

 

How ridiculous is it that I know, intellectually, that this is all BS and I should just leave this man; yet I want some magic wand-esque answer that will make him something other than a self-centered creep, so that I can stay with him?

 

I want so bad to cling to my foolish belief that he is an honest man.

 

 

Worse yet, he accused me of cheating with a man who is easily 4 inches taller, 10x more muscular, 3x more educated - and I didn't - but I probably could have!!!! WTF??? Why am I such a dumb-butt that I didn't, while my beloved is carrying on this whatever with another man's wife?

 

Aghhhh!

 

So I'm online until the urge to harm myself (or brain him with a table lamp & end up in jail) passes.

 

Thanks for passing it with me.

[New_Wife]

GreenCove,

 

Thank you, again, for responding to me. Truly, it means more than you can imagine just to have some human contact right now - even the digital online sort.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Worse yet, he accused me of cheating...

 

Another red flag. This isn't sounding too good, NW. I think on some level you already know, or at least are subconsciously processing it. Just keep posting, keep talking it out, and keep your eyes open.

[New_Wife]

We're back home today. My stomach is a wreck - I'll spare you the details. He's sorry today.

 

Why not, right? No need to be anything but sorry since none of his friends will have to know & he's saved face. He's got nothing to lose being "sorry" now & can do whatever he wants behind my back because I'm just a stupid broad who wants to keep some semblance of a stable family together for my kids.

 

Other than my tummy, fortunately, I'm mostly just numb today. I'm going to eat some saltines and go to sleep.

[NotOverTheHill]

I feel for you. I too am a smart women, dumb in relationships. I let my husband disregaurd my opninions (unless he agrees with them) and basically treat me ill. Why? because I love him. As I am finding out, I have to love myself more - I deserve more and better. Finding the courage to do what you know is best for you - that is the hard part. I know it is for me. I have already made the decision necessary - telling him and getting through is anger - that is what I am dreading.

 

We need to stick together. All of us here.

[New_Wife]

I'm so torn right now. I want to feel better without going through any more loss. I want him to un-be a jerk. I want to go back to my illusion that our marriage matters more than some dumb drunken fantasy football party. I want a revenge affair so he hurts too.

 

But will I do or get any of this?

 

Probably not. He's right. I am just crazy.

 

We have counseling set for this Friday - I always feel like I'm going to tattle on him if i tell the counselor what's up.

[New_Wife]

I'm out of my mind. This time it's a conclusion I'm coming to.

 

Ironic, because that seems to be the only conclusion I've been able to come to.

 

I put my thoughts in a long email, edited, re-edited, and then sent. I decided to go written route because he has really a hellacious temper when he's angry and spends his time "reloading" his next argument while I am speaking - so I don't feel like he ever actually hears me. He's one of those folks that throws every mean thing he can at me when he's feeling defensive - so it's rarely a good idea to fight back. Thus, I usually don't.

 

I sent him the email - not sure what I was expecting, and the response I got back was along the lines of "You're right - I don't deserve a second chance. I'm bad for you. I love you."

 

WHAT????

 

Uh, okay? Which part? The email covered my feelings about his lies, my fears about what else he might have lied about, my fear that nothing was real between us to my fears for the future and trust.

 

Just "You're right"

 

AGGHHH! What am I right about? Did he cheat physically too? Has it all been a lie? Or am i just right that he behaved like a boob? Could I get a bit of clarification here? No.

 

See now we're moving into the "poor me, I'm a bad guy, you deserve better" stage of our little game (that I'm just now realizing is a game) where no solution ever actually comes into play - we just make nice again and reassure each other of our love and desire to make it work, and then....nothing. No change.

 

Worse, he admits he's "a liar" but doesn't tell me how far down the rabbit hole we go. Or is that the answer in and of itself? What would I believe anyway?

 

Worst part - the part that leads me to understand that I am firmly out of my ever-loving mind: I want him to be telling the truth, be genuinely sorry, only have lied about the stuff I already know about, love me so much that he's finally come to his senses, and still have some hope with this man. Yep, that's what I want.

 

Now then, how do I actually start to dig out what's true, untrue - and most of all - what is real from this point forward?

 

Any ideas?

[Daniella]

It's the 'not knowing' that will drive you insane.

You know the truth in your heart.

Sorry for your pain:love:

[vivi]

If you don't tell the counselor what's the point of going? I'm sorry the veil got ripped from your eyes, but you aren't serving yourself or your children well to lie to yourself.