Author hoc11 Posted August 27, 2007 Author Posted August 27, 2007 So the general consensus is that I should just let this go. Ill admit in the beginning when she first told me this, i kind of reacted like "ok, well at least she's still a virgin", but as time wore on it sort of started to bother me. I started thinking about this one guy who she said was a complete dirt bag- used girls, was a huge pothead, big drinker, etc. Everything she is not. She told me she was friends with this guy but she made out with him and regretted it. Ever since then, I just keep thinking "How could you make out with a guy like that?" and then I started to wonder if he was the one she went that far with, which just wierded me out. I dunno, ive never had feelings like this before, where thinking about a girl with another guy, even in the past, just got to me so badly. Maybe it's like you said and it shows how much i care for her.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Well, you could just let this go... or you could find some way to come to terms with it. hoc11, do you see yourself as a nice guy? Does it bug you that she would make out with someone who is so opposite the way you see her? Also is she old enough to have pictures taken in a bar? Girls are never as innocent as what you imagine them to be. A perfect example... Forever I assumed Jcster was a nun! I was SOOOOO wrong!
Author hoc11 Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 Well, you could just let this go... or you could find some way to come to terms with it. hoc11, do you see yourself as a nice guy? Does it bug you that she would make out with someone who is so opposite the way you see her? Also is she old enough to have pictures taken in a bar? Girls are never as innocent as what you imagine them to be. A perfect example... Forever I assumed Jcster was a nun! I was SOOOOO wrong! Yes, i absolutely see myself as a nice guy. It does bother me somewhat because ive met this guy and he is a complete a-hole. It just wierds me out becuase she has told me about all the guys she has dated and she never mentioned him, only as a friend. So it means they were making out and doing whatever else without even being in a dating situation- just not like her. And it bothers me becuase she still considers this guy a friend and keeps in contact with him. Yes, she is old enough, she is 23.
jcster Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 Forever I assumed Jcster was a nun! I was SOOOOO wrong! You weren't wrong! Church of the Subgenius.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 Yes, i absolutely see myself as a nice guy. It does bother me somewhat because ive met this guy and he is a complete a-hole. It just wierds me out becuase she has told me about all the guys she has dated and she never mentioned him, only as a friend. So it means they were making out and doing whatever else without even being in a dating situation- just not like her. And it bothers me becuase she still considers this guy a friend and keeps in contact with him. Yes, she is old enough, she is 23. So let me try and put some words to what may be making you feel insecure. Your a nice guy, and all your life you've seen nice guys finish last. Now, you find a girl you think will value you because of that trait, but then you find out that there is a possibility that she has a thing for bad boys? You also feel like she is trying to hide that fact from you. Your also disturbed that she would let this guy do that kind of stuff to her, without any commitment or status. She kind of let him take advantage... and she still keeps contact with the guy... making you feel like she still harbors some feelings there? Ok, so how close am I on this?
annabelle75 Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 I honestly thought you guys were still in highschool or something. She's 23 and still a virgin, but you are concerned because some guy fingered her in the past? I think you were being naive to assume all she ever did was kiss a guy. And anyone you date at this age is going to have a past and will have exes that they regret. Its a part of life. You need to stop obsessing over this before you let it ruin the relationship. I think you've built up this little perfect imagine of her in your head and now that you are finding out she is just human and makes questionable choices some times, you feel betrayed. You need to come to terms and accept her for who she is, not who you thought she was.
Author hoc11 Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 So let me try and put some words to what may be making you feel insecure. Your a nice guy, and all your life you've seen nice guys finish last. Now, you find a girl you think will value you because of that trait, but then you find out that there is a possibility that she has a thing for bad boys? You also feel like she is trying to hide that fact from you. Your also disturbed that she would let this guy do that kind of stuff to her, without any commitment or status. She kind of let him take advantage... and she still keeps contact with the guy... making you feel like she still harbors some feelings there? Ok, so how close am I on this? You are very close, but there are a few differences. 1)I KNOW she values that in me because she, for the most part is very much like me. 2) All of the guys she "dated", which apparently was only one guy for about 4 months, whom she was off and on with because he turned out to be gay, were the same: nice guys who were very shy, so nothing ever developed seriously since she is also very shy. 3) She doesnt have a thing for bad boys, she has said she is attracted to the image. She said I look like a bad boy, but am really a sweet/innocent guy, and that she would never settle for a bad boy. Which is what gets to me about this guy and her past: She said she is so shy, and all the guys she has ever been attracted to were so shy that nothing ever came about, that's why she's never had a boyfriend. So Im wondering if it was this guy she dated for 4 months who she went that far (fingering) with. If he was so shy (and apparently gay), and she the same, then how did it ever develop into something even that serious. This leaves me to wonder, through my own deductive reasoning only, that maybe it was this dirtbag that she went that far with. I mean a guy like that usually doesnt settle for just making out, right? And how does it just stop at that? He fingers her, not resulting in an orgasm, and just says okay see ya later, expecting nothing in return? This is usually not how sexual situations play out with this type of guy. My final point is if she really is such a quality girl and is very shy and selective about who she dates, again, how did she ever come to a conclusion that it would be a good idea to make out with this guy- knowing how he was and knowing she would never be with someone like him? Or did he make a move on her and she didnt really like it and distanced herself after that? It's just that the girl I know her to be and these situtions from her past dont add up to me. I mean if you met her, you would honestly say to yourself, wow, this girl seems like a girl who has never even kissed a guy before. She reminds me of a little girl almost, so I just cant see her doing some of these things, even if they are trivial. Sorry about rambling on about this but Im just trying to resolve some of my insecurtity issues with this and get some input.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 OK, thats really good, but the important part is how the idea of her going that far with this "dirtbag" makes you feel! Because we arent dealing with her actions so much as your feelings. I mean seriously only she knows how far this went and with who. But you need to sit down and kind of figure out your feelings. This seems like a rare nice girl!
Author hoc11 Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 Yes, she is a very nice girl. One of a kind! And that's why i come here from advice Anna. I do not want to let it ruin this relationship and know that obsessing over it will, so I just wanted to see if outsiders could make some sense of why her past just doesnt add up to me. I have never brought up any of this, or anything about her past for that matter. Every single detail she has shared from her past was strictly voluntarily offered on her part. Do you think it's worth it to bring any of this up, in a casual, non-accusational way, just to sort some of the details out about what really happened so I can get a true idea of where she comes from? Like I said, it's the constantly changing stories that bothered me most.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 Yes, she is a very nice girl. One of a kind! And that's why i come here from advice Anna. I do not want to let it ruin this relationship and know that obsessing over it will, so I just wanted to see if outsiders could make some sense of why her past just doesnt add up to me. I have never brought up any of this, or anything about her past for that matter. Every single detail she has shared from her past was strictly voluntarily offered on her part. Do you think it's worth it to bring any of this up, in a casual, non-accusational way, just to sort some of the details out about what really happened so I can get a true idea of where she comes from? Like I said, it's the constantly changing stories that bothered me most. In a word... YES! Actually to move forward you may have to!
Author hoc11 Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 Great, thanks for all of your help Cobra and everyone else. This board is very welcoming and helpful.
annabelle75 Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 Yes, she is a very nice girl. One of a kind! And that's why i come here from advice Anna. I do not want to let it ruin this relationship and know that obsessing over it will, so I just wanted to see if outsiders could make some sense of why her past just doesnt add up to me. I have never brought up any of this, or anything about her past for that matter. Every single detail she has shared from her past was strictly voluntarily offered on her part. Do you think it's worth it to bring any of this up, in a casual, non-accusational way, just to sort some of the details out about what really happened so I can get a true idea of where she comes from? Like I said, it's the constantly changing stories that bothered me most. Let me give you a woman's perspective on this. We don't feel comfortable discussing or bringing up our past intimate encounters with the men we are dating. Not only do we not want to appear slutty, but we also don't want to make you feel uncomfortable like we are comparing you to some one else. Its just not the kind fo stuff we like discussing. She didn't lie to you, she just left out information that she felt awkward discussing. As you are growing closer emotionally and physically she is becoming more open with you and filling in details she didn't feel comfortable sharing with you in the beggining. That is how relationships usually progress. Now...seeing how you are reacting to the new information you have can you see why it was something she didn't feel comfortable discussing with you at first? In a matter like this were there is no sexual health issue, I don't think it is necessary for some one to give a detailed account of all their intimate encouters to some one they are dating. I wouldn't. If a guy ever asked me to give and explanation of everythign I have ever done with previous boyfriends it would freak me out. For now you might just want to let it go a bit. If she really is a genuine decent person, then you might want to try just trusting her and enjoy getting to know her better instead of judging based on her past. And I think you have doen the right thing by coming her to vent your feelings instaed of just confronting her. This is a good way to get it out and put it into perspective.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 ^^^^^ As a guy who generally has trust issues. I'm just going to say that Hoc11, is not alone. I've got to a point where I just dont ask questions, but if something doesnt add up, I get cautious and typicall leave!
jcster Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 I've got to a point where I just dont ask questions, but if something doesnt add up, I get cautious and typicall leave! It's said that generals always fight the last war. We're always reacting to the previous hurt and suspecting it in the present. It's a faulty strategy.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 It's said that generals always fight the last war. We're always reacting to the previous hurt and suspecting it in the present. It's a faulty strategy. LOL... I spelled typically wrong... thanks for double posting the error! Oh, Jcster... I'm fighting the same war over and over. I suppose at some point I will meet someone who puts enough into that trust piggybank that will put me back in the black. Until then I will try to be happy as a heartbreaker... not heartbroken.
ls707 Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 My gf and I have been together for about 6 months now and things have been going great. We love eachother very much and have nothing but respect for each other. I cant imagine not having her in my life, she is everything Ive always wanted. However, there has been a recurring feeling Ive had ever since we started dating that she hasnt been completely open and honest about her past relationship experiences with me. I need to go into some detail to give you an idea of what Im talking about exactly, so here is how the story goes: When we first started dating she seemed like the sweetest, most innocent girl I have ever met. After a few weeks of dating she told me that she was a virgin, which i love about her. She admitted that she was very inexperienced. She told me the furthest she has ever gone was making out with someone. Again, something I loved and respected. As time went on we started getting more and more intimate. Without being too graphic, the first time I "pleasured her with my hand" (I know that sounds dumb, but Im trying to censor this as much as I can) I asked her if she was okay with that. I told her that since she had only ever kissed someone before that I didnt want to do anything she was uncomfortable with, and she replied with "oh, Ive done that before". Now this caught me off guard, as I was thinking in the back of my mind, "well, I thought you said you had never gone past making out", but in the end I just blew it off and put it behind me. Cut to a few weeks later, I wanted to try something new with her (find her g spot), with not much success. She said not to worry, that the reason I couldnt pleasure her in that way is because she is so inexperienced and doesnt know her body well enough to know how to be pleasured in that way. A few days later I went back to try again and again, no success. I told her that some girls just cant have an orgasm through internal stimulation and maybe that was the case, to which she replied, "no, i know it works for me, ive had an orgasm from that before." Again, I thought to myself, "Hmm, just a few days ago you told me you had no idea if that would work for you." So she changed her story a number of times about what really happened in her past. Just a few weeks ago she said that she has only been f***ered "once or twice" and that she never had an orgasm from it. Again, changing her story yet once more. I feel like an adolescent teen talking about this but it worries me that she could be lying about anything and everything, including being a virgin, maybe to make herself seem more innocent. The issue is not even whether she did these things or not, but rather, why her story keeps changing. Do you guys think I should confront her on this or not? hey man, listen, i cant say you are the first person to undergo a confusing ordeal like this. ppl can try to justify her actions as much as they want, but in your mind u feel like she owes you an explanation, i know this cuz i went through this, and i got over it. What happened in the past is sometimes best left in the past. I was dating this girl who claimed to be a "virgin", frankly i wasnt buying it from day 1. But since i liked her so much, i guess i was buying it after a few months down the road. To make a long story short, later i found out she was with another guy, her x per se, in our initial dating phases, getting intimate with him all such other wonderful stuff. This was a good one year later. her excuse for this was "i didn't know where we were going with this". Needless to say i still gave her a chance because i loved her. Moral of the story, the decision is always yours. If its going to bug you, its going to bug you and this will effect you and the relationship. If you think she owes you an explanation sit down and have a talk with her and tell her how her disconnected dots don't add up in your mind. Again, it sounds like you like this girl a lot, but in the end the decision is yours, not someone else's perception of what this girl is about or what we all say on a site. You get what Im saying?
Trashed Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 I believe you should ask her point blank about this issue. If she's lying to you about this, then honestly she can be doing a lot of crap behind your back. BEST ADVICE I CAN GIVE: Be very careful my friend. Don't helicopter around the subject, make it as crystal clear as possible without it being an attack.
Author hoc11 Posted August 29, 2007 Author Posted August 29, 2007 I believe you should ask her point blank about this issue. If she's lying to you about this, then honestly she can be doing a lot of crap behind your back. BEST ADVICE I CAN GIVE: Be very careful my friend. Don't helicopter around the subject, make it as crystal clear as possible without it being an attack. Thats' what Im worried about. Do you think i have the right to straight up ask her "Hey what exactly happened with these guys in the past"? I mean she did come right out and ask me some details of my past, which i should have used that opportunity to then ask her more specifics about hers, but I didnt.
ls707 Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Thats' what Im worried about. Do you think i have the right to straight up ask her "Hey what exactly happened with these guys in the past"? I mean she did come right out and ask me some details of my past, which i should have used that opportunity to then ask her more specifics about hers, but I didnt. You have a right to ask anything! so for a moment dont kid yourself out of it. But that being said, ever heard of the quote "its all in the delivery"? Be diplomatic bout it. Dont try be accusative, condescending, etc. Just tell her that theres something bothering you and you would like to clear it out.
JCD Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 She has the right to tell you who she is so that you know and thus can make an informed decision whether to stay with her or not. Seems to me like she is trying to con you into believing she is a good girl while she is not. You would be surprised what some girls do when they get drunk. My advice to you is to ask her to be honest with you about her past. It's better to find out now then later when you have more invested in the relationship possibly a marriage that will make you regret her.
stillafool Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 I swear I feel like Lizzie - What difference does it make what she did in her past? It really is none of your business as long as she doesn't have any diseases or kids hidden anywhere. I say let all that stuff go and just worry about the two of you from the time you met her. It sounds like your ego is way too involved. If you don't stop obsessing about her past you may lose her.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Yeah her past matters! Hey, if your sitting up in a relationship with a convicted child molester... dont you want to know??? Oh, wait thats none of your business.... He's done his time.... He is reformed. Whatever! Yeah its an extreme example... but the same basic priciples apply! If your thinking about starting a life with someone... it is your business what she did... cause it shows what she will do! We arent blank slates!
huh Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Yes, because a child molester is completely the same as a woman who's gone to 3rd base with a guy BEFORE she met you. And cheating's totally the same as someone expressing physical affection with a previous partner BEFORE she met you Look, most people, especially at the age of 23, are going to have had some sort of experience, even if they're technically virgins. And people will sometimes do things they later regret (her make out session with the bad boy). But nothing you're writing about indicates she cheated on anyone she's been with. Cheating & STDs are really the only 2 reasons to be concerned with what someone's done BEFORE she met you. Let it go.
stillafool Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Why is it that men are the ones who seem so concerned with a woman's sexual past? Women don't seem as obsessed with who a guy screwed before he met her. Women assume men have been around the block a few times before they got with them. Women seem more concerned with keeping a guy faithful to them once they are in the relationship (as it should be). I think guys egos are just too inflated.
stillafool Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Yeah her past matters! Hey, if your sitting up in a relationship with a convicted child molester... dont you want to know??? Oh, wait thats none of your business.... He's done his time.... He is reformed. Whatever! Yeah its an extreme example... but the same basic priciples apply! If your thinking about starting a life with someone... it is your business what she did... cause it shows what she will do! We arent blank slates! Well of course their past matters when it comes to arrests and convictions, if they have children, health problems and such. As far as how many guys they've had sex with (and the details) before you - no it's none of your business as long as she has not contracted a disease.
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