Should I send this?

[krandall]

Please give me advice...Thanks...

 

Should I send this to her? Please can I have advice?

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“Better to Have Loved and Lost Than Never To Have Loved at All”

 

 

(Name Witheld):

 

Please do not send me anything again – whether it is something I left at your condo etc - I don't care. You have already inflicted upon me much pain. I would rather not receive another item that will remind me of the selfish person you are. It is worth everything not to hear from you again.

 

I thought deeply about sending this to you – and even though it will not change your personality – even though perhaps I shouldn’t grace you with this truth – I figured you might as well have a bit of reality injected into your heartless soul, although I know it will be as unrealistically ineffective as you paying full price for an item.

 

So, I might as well say it now – you are one of the most selfish human beings I have ever come across in my life, and expect to. You have no consideration for anything two inches beyond your own nose. You take the view of life that “this is who I am, I will not change.” And you lack the maturity to be in an equal relationship – you will always have to be in control. And any benevolent act you did was out of obligation, not out of purpose – and it doesn’t take much insight to see that.

 

Your whole life you have been coddled by your parents, who have never had the courage to tell their little Jewish American Princess Star who descends from the ceiling in a Keep-Up-With-The-Joneses Batmitsvah that she can be wrong, self absorbed, and shallow. Because God forbid, no one in your perfect little family can be ****ed up. Everything is Disney perfect, right? Keep drinking the Kool-Aid, little girl. The worst kind of JAP isn’t one who is materialistic, but one who is selfish with their emotions. That, little child, is what you represent.

 

Your life’s conversations are based around the latest restaurant, movie, or strip mall opening up – a shallow, pathetic existence considering the amazing and complicated deep world which God has surrounded us with.

 

I deserve better than you – someone who will appreciate me, my depth, my character, and my backbone- while you deserve some chump who will put up with your ****. That, little girl, will satisfy you because all you care about is a perfect image that you project to others – that is all you care about every time you read the Jewish Times and stack yourself up to some newlywed couple – because you so badly want the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids because that is the image you so badly want to project to the world which cares much less about you than you think. God-forbid – your defects exposed would be crushing to your fragile little weak spirit which is mainly comprised of self-preservation at all costs.

 

You know who the worst people were in the Holocaust? Not the German concentration camp guards. The most cruel were the “Capos” the Jews placed in charge of other Jews. They were chosen specifically for their ability to only consider self-preservation above any level of human decency or righteousness. It is a crying shame that any Jew in this world today, the offspring of such horror can ever exist without a remarkable degree of empathy, compassion, and kindness for others, let alone be devoid of those characteristics!

 

You personality is off-putting, so you have never developed true friendships outside your family – those who would truly die for you (I know that is a completely foreign concept)– and with that comes true advice – sometimes things that you don’t want to hear, but that will change you if you have the guts to hear it and try and understand it. You don’t know the true meaning of SACRIFICE – you only know obligation, not the fulfillment that comes from dirtying yourself to help a fellow human being in need. So you run back to your incredible dependence on mommy and daddy whom you try and emulate in every aspect of your life. Why don’t you just marry your father – that is what you want?

 

Most telling - you took a 2 year relationship and tried to snatch my dignity by breaking up with me in a STARBUCKS ON YOUR WAY HOME FROM WORK. Considering you share “everything” with your parents, I wonder if your parents, the only people you respect, know that the evening prior to this you were sexual with me, or would you perhaps cover that up to mask your inappropriateness. That alone speaks incredible wonders about the level of your emotional maturity. You know what that act represents? Most people would say – “What a bitch!” because they don't have the words to encompass the lowness of this act. The fact that you so obviously can’t pony up to the emotional hell that your actions can impose when you choose to do it in the most cowardly of all fashions is very telling. In essence, you are one COLD FISH.

 

I wonder if the only people you give a **** about, your parents, know that the weekend that I lost Lee, my mother was contemplating being hospitalized, my life was in full crisis and I was in the midst of being almost suicidally depressed and you decided that that was the time to criticize me for not giving you a 14 month dating anniversary card? And then in the midst of this my closest friend in life, (name witheld) begs you with all his mercy and might for four hours to wait just a little bit, even just 24 hours before breaking up with me, pleading with you to give me a day to regain my sanity in the trauma that I was facing – but you nonetheless cast aside human decency to throw me aside like a piece of refuse that very day as I questioned the value of my own life. But rest assured, you did that after your law firm’s party – because your stupid immature image of being in a relationship is more important than imparting human decency on whom you are with. If even the love of your parents is not overcome with the obviousness of that cruel and inhumane treatment, than any respect I had for them is diminished. But I sometimes wonder if your parents are truly aware of how emotionally vicious and callous their little girl can be. I have a feeling though that deep inside they know what I am talking about even if they won’t acknowledge it.

 

You might want to take a break from this harsh dose of truth now by getting some pats on your back from the yes-people you have in your life because I doubt any person had the balls to ever be this direct with you. Wow, what a wake up call for such a stunted person – I’m sure this is going way over your head.

 

Little girl, you define your life by what you think is proper, by what you think you need to do at a given instant – not by what is deep, true, and meaningful. If one thing in your obsessively regimented existence is out-of-whack you are off-center. And it is amazing that at your age you haven’t grasped the concept that more **** in life DOESN’T go your way than does. But that explains your control pathology and myopic existence.

 

And you run, immediately and as fast as possible into another relationship to cover up the incredible loneliness and insecurity that is at your very core, that resides within your marrow masked by so many onion layers that you will most likely never confront your own inadequacies. That you try and cover up by living your disciplined, planned existence in a job which has leveled out for you, and an existence devoid of TRUE LOVE. You don’t know what love is – the dangerous thing is that you use the word callously because you think you know what it is but your actions are devoid of it– you will always have the cut-and-run mentality because you only think of yourself. You think to yourself – there are many people out there – I just need to find the right one for me – and you probably will never realize the inherent flaw in that defective mentality.

 

You never loved me, you cold fish. The fact that you can pack up and move on so quickly absent of any admirable human qualities is a remarkable demonstration of a lack of capacity of feeling.

 

For a while I actually envied that – that you separate all that is true from your heart and avoid real suffering– but then I realized something – you avoid the pain and consequences of your own selfishness, but you live a shallow life – an “ignorance is bliss life” : but without the pain, you will never feel the joy that I will feel – you will never feel the love that I feel – and with that, I will LIVE while you will simply EXIST and find your shallow pleasures of being a coupon queen at a restaurant or repeatedly calling your parents about a sale at Costco.

 

Now let’s talk about representation: You brought up your Jdate profile when you callously discarded me at Starbucks. You represent yourself in your profile as friendly/kind/sensitive/nurturing/loving – anyone who would describe you in those ways is flat-out retarded in their human perception. The fact that you would describe yourself in those terms is not only a misrepresentation, but indicative of the distorted view you have of yourself. Perhaps to your cat you are nurturing – but he, as you often boast, is “low maintenance.” Which indicates the failure of you to understand that sometimes the most precious things in our magnificent world are difficult, high-maintenance, and need to be nurtured and cradled – ironically the adjectives that I would think more realistically describe you.

 

One part that is so absurd that it makes me feel nauseated is when you state: “We will always be there for each other as we take on whatever life has in store for us.” Although you think you do, child, you have no clue what life can have in store. And one day when you see what life can truly have in store, you will be so unprepared for a real crisis that you may be forced to confront the fragile little girl inside that ice-cold exterior. That confrontation when it happens will be more destructive than the pain that you put me and others through. That is your inevitable curse you little girl, along with the inability to feel the magic and poetry present in so many aspects of this world that you will never notice. The bitterly ironic thing is that your failure to see any of this is more destructive to you and others than painstakingly avoiding butter and oil in your obnoxiously picky way that makes those around you uncomfortable at restaurants.

 

So go move on your ignorant blissful way, go through a honeymoon period until you pick apart some other man’s dignity, slice by slice in your hacking way. And run to mommy and daddy whenever you have any question about anything, because as a 31 year old, you are a little stunted girl who relies on complete reassurance from someone else. It is amazing what such abuse can emanate from such a person so small in so many ways.

 

You aren’t worth my meaningful poems, my heartfelt prose – first of all, you lack the depth to understand them – you have defined your life by external measures - numerical grades, where you went to school, who your boyfriend/s are, what you do- not real intellect, not real purpose, not real meaning; and second you aren’t renting any more space in my head – you can’t afford its rate and I don’t accept coupons – you need to deserve it.

 

Congratulations, little girl, the price you have just paid is never to have a human being with the character, depth, kindness, intelligence, and benevolence that I have -in your life, ever. And I am willing to bank a hell of a lot on that. And unlike you, I put my money where my mouth is and stand up when something is wrong. That comes from being a Jew more than aimlessly reciting some prayers on a Friday evening.

 

Now go and share this with your parents for their reassurance, their coddling, their confirmation that their little “Rising Star” is right, and cut and run on in your shallow ways.

 

I never want to hear from you again because it is a challenge dealing with empty characters who have no heart and it isn’t worth the effort – I have better things to do with my time from now on and a much brighter, limitless future ahead.

[nittygritty]

No, you should not send that letter. Keep it for yourself as a reminder of why you should never get back together with her. Reread it whenever you feel the need.

 

The length and strong emotions you expressed will show her the depth of your pain and how greatly you still care. Your giving her your personal power whether you realize it or not.

 

Quit allowing her to contact you in any way. Don't listen to any phone messages or read any of her emails, letters, or text messages.

 

Try to emotionally let the pain leave you and take care of yourself.

[krandall]

nittygritty - thanks for your response. what is eating me up is that I never got a chance to say my piece though. i thought of sending this to her, her ****ing parents, her brother - the whole lot of these phony losers to let them know what I truly think of them. I just thought it might be therapeutic in some sort of cathartic way. she fortunately hasn't contacted me in any way other than mailing me some useless items I had left at her place. It is true that I see I am giving her power that she doesn't deserve, except that wouldn't I still feel some sense of relief by having my piece heard by them?

I would never get back together with this heartless bitch. I was going through a rough period in my life and unfortunately fell in love with an abusive cold witch when I was feeling so low about myself for a variety of external reasons which are coming to an end. Anyway, thanks so much for the reply...

[LakesideDream]

If you mail that letter, you will be sorry as long as the memory of her hurts you.

 

She will enjoy reading the letter, and feeling the depth of your pain for years. Put it into a box and forget it!

[nittygritty]

nittygritty - thanks for your response. what is eating me up is that I never got a chance to say my piece though. i thought of sending this to her, her ****ing parents, her brother - the whole lot of these phony losers to let them know what I truly think of them. I just thought it might be therapeutic in some sort of cathartic way. she fortunately hasn't contacted me in any way other than mailing me some useless items I had left at her place. It is true that I see I am giving her power that she doesn't deserve, except that wouldn't I still feel some sense of relief by having my piece heard by them?

I would never get back together with this heartless bitch. I was going through a rough period in my life and unfortunately fell in love with an abusive cold witch when I was feeling so low about myself for a variety of external reasons which are coming to an end. Anyway, thanks so much for the reply...

 

Your Welcome, Writing the letter was the therapeutic part. You were able to put down in words all of your thoughts and some of your pain. Sending the letter won't give you any sense of relief. You will be giving her another opportunity to hurt you whether there is a response or not. Don't do it.

 

Not contacting her ever again will show her that you don't care about her or her family anymore. Actions do speak louder than words.

 

I think no contact is the best way to begin healing and also regain your personal power over an unhealthy relationship.

[krandall]

Lakeside, Nitty:

Thank you so much. I am going to lock this away for a long time. It was cathartic, and your responses to me truly show the help that this board provides. Thank you all. It means so much to me.