Sleek Geek Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 I feel like my situation is fairly simple: I want out. Yet I am hoping you guys can give me some support and guidance on how to proceed with the situation. First off, let me say that I tend to be a commitment phobe. Which is why I have a tendency to fall for unavailable guys. Right now though, I am dating a guy who is making himself available. He is just a no-nonsense, straight foward reliable guy any girl would be proud to introduce to her parents. Every fiber of my body is on edge... I just want to get the hell out of there except that... he's one of my friend's cousin. She introduced us because she thought we would be a great match. I'm still undecided whether or not we are. We've hung out 4 times and 2 of those dates were bad because he tries too hard. A commitmentphobe with someone who tries too hard???? What do I do? Do I give him another chance? Do I let him down? How do could I let him down easy? Plus, my friend asked about one of our dates and I said we were getting along ok (I was honest in my tone let's just say), and she really didn't take it so well. To me though, that's just the risk you take when you set someone up. How do I handle the situation with her? Alternatively, does anyone know of a cure for commitmentphobia?
sweetbutcheeky Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 First off, let me say that I tend to be a commitment phobe. Which is why I have a tendency to fall for unavailable guys. Right now though, I am dating a guy who is making himself available. He is just a no-nonsense, straight foward reliable guy any girl would be proud to introduce to her parents. Kinda sad. Your trying to get out of seeing the kind of guy that I can't seem to find and would love to date.
Author Sleek Geek Posted August 27, 2007 Author Posted August 27, 2007 Kinda sad. Your trying to get out of seeing the kind of guy that I can't seem to find and would love to date. I know ! And I've even been known to complain about the scarcity of truly reliable men... Which is what happens to commitmentphobes because we only pay attention to the unreliable ones. Anyways, I promise I will never complain about men again.
sweetbutcheeky Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 I know ! And I've even been known to complain about the scarcity of truly reliable men... Which is what happens to commitmentphobes because we only pay attention to the unreliable ones. Anyways, I promise I will never complain about men again. Since you found a good one this time and not an unreliable guy, why don't you stick it out? You may not be comfortable but maybe deal with the commitment issues and take it slow vs trying to figure out how to get out? Just an idea! hee hee
Author Sleek Geek Posted August 27, 2007 Author Posted August 27, 2007 Since you found a good one this time and not an unreliable guy, why don't you stick it out? You may not be comfortable but maybe deal with the commitment issues and take it slow vs trying to figure out how to get out? Just an idea! hee hee I think I should stick it out longer then four dates... You're right. Does anyone out there have know how to tackle commitment issues? (she asks, hopefully). Like how do I even begin? And is there a way to get him to stop trying so hard? I know that by being commitment-phobed, I am not helping. I know I am basically putting him in an unfair position. How do I get him to not second guess himself so much around me?
IpAncA Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Why if you have this type of problem are you getting into relationships? Why not just stay in this one and see where it goes?
shadowplay Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 do you mind if i ask if you had a parent who was unavailable or intermittently available? just curious
sweetbutcheeky Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 I think I should stick it out longer then four dates... You're right. Does anyone out there have know how to tackle commitment issues? (she asks, hopefully). Like how do I even begin? And is there a way to get him to stop trying so hard? I know that by being commitment-phobed, I am not helping. I know I am basically putting him in an unfair position. How do I get him to not second guess himself so much around me? Not sure about your other questions, since I'm the one who ends on dealing with commitment phobes. Though if your honest with him that your more comfortable taking things slow, that your more comfortable going day to day I think he should be cool with that. Hmm how to get him to not second guess himself, how has he been acting in that way?
stillafool Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 I say let him go find someone who appreciates his type. You will eventually get bored and hurt this guy. Break it off now and don't lead him on any further. He's trying hard because that's the type of person he is. Don't stay with him because you owe it to your cousin!
Author Sleek Geek Posted August 27, 2007 Author Posted August 27, 2007 Thanks everyone for all the replies! I say let him go find someone who appreciates his type. You will eventually get bored and hurt this guy. Break it off now and don't lead him on any further. He's trying hard because that's the type of person he is. Don't stay with him because you owe it to your cousin! This is pretty much how I feel about it. And in past dating experiences, I've been mostly lucky because it would become obvious rather soon to both partners that we weren't each other's types - or that one of us wasn't on the same page as the other. The thing with this guy is that I'm not positive yet that he isn't my type. Baseball anology: out of four pitches, he struck out twice. The two other dates were actually quite nice. Not sure about your other questions, since I'm the one who ends on dealing with commitment phobes. Yeah I think there is a lot of us out there. I've dated commitment phobes myself and these are the relationships where I strive the most, believe or not, because I actually don't feel pressured. These usually last from 3 months to a year, with both parties being amazed at each other until we run into the 'now what?' next step to the relationship phase. I was in only one long-term relationship (3 years) with a non-commitmentphobe and the relationship was quite tumultuous because he found it hard to deal with the fact that I always needed an out be it through travel, work or friends. Though if your honest with him that your more comfortable taking things slow, that your more comfortable going day to day I think he should be cool with that. I brought this up last night after date four. His reaction is what brought me to this forum. I was saying let's not move too fast, kind of as a warning for him to not get too involved or too attached. He kind of panicked (ultimate worst reaction you could have with a commitmentphobe). I was hoping he would understand this as 'feel free to date other people'. I think next time I talk to him I will have to be clear on the not ready for a commitment crap which I don't even really believe in. A part of me believes that when you do find the right person, everything falls into place. How about if I say: "I like hanging out with you but I don't know if we're that good of a match? We can keep dating how about we keep it casual for awhile?" Hmm how to get him to not second guess himself, how has he been acting in that way? Well there was that moment of panick when I said we should take it slow. Then it's in the effort he puts in to please me, while also not trying to not do too much. He will also 'check up' on me about certain of his actions: "did you have a nice time? Really?" or feel overly guilty about certain decisions. For example we were driving to a place I go to frequently and he goes to on occasions. He passed an exit and I said: I usually take this road (It saves about 5 minutes, no biggie. I said it in a casual way not even realizing he might take this as criticism- I didn't care how fast we got there, I was just pointing it out). He spent the rest of the drive feeling guilty for how long it was taking. One of those things happening wouldn't bother me. It's just all of those things happening in one date which makes me unconfortable. do you mind if i ask if you had a parent who was unavailable or intermittently available? just curious If anything, both my parents were too available, to the extent of smothering me. Maybe that's part of the problem... I'll try to think it through. Why if you have this type of problem are you getting into relationships? Good question. I think feelings of attraction and the concommitent friendships, flirtations and relationships that follow are natural. And like I said, I am usually good at picking men who are bigger commitment phobes then myself. I am also, by now, trained at identifying the precise moment when to bail out of a relationship with a commitment phobe. I am still friends, even great friends, with most commitment phobe I've dates. This new guy is not the only more relationship oriented men I've dated, and, oddly enough, I'm not really friends with any of those guys. I really wish I could change this pattern of behavior because I do want to find a solid partner with whom I could raise a family. (I'm 32 by the way). Why not just stay in this one and see where it goes? Because it makes me feel like a kid forced to stay at the table until they finish their plate of liver and onion. And like stillafool said, it is most likely unfair to him. But like I said, I am not a hundred percent sure that I am ready to bail yet. And I want to work on this commitment issue. I just think I should find a way to let him know what's going on with me so that he can make informed choices... and so that the decision to end things doesn't end up being unilateral. Anyone know how to tackle this?
sweetbutcheeky Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Because it makes me feel like a kid forced to stay at the table until they finish their plate of liver and onion. And like stillafool said, it is most likely unfair to him. But like I said, I am not a hundred percent sure that I am ready to bail yet. And I want to work on this commitment issue. I just think I should find a way to let him know what's going on with me so that he can make informed choices... and so that the decision to end things doesn't end up being unilateral. Anyone know how to tackle this? If you don't like him as a person, not attracted to him or think he wants commitment after 4 dates (which even I think is too much). Then I don't think you should see him anymore. (if you don't like liver and onions then you shouldn't make yourself eat them) But if the only reason is that your trying to flee because your scared of commitment then I think maybe doing the opposite may be a good idea. (stay when you want to run) If you are scared of spiders, it helps to hold one to get over the fear. You get the idea ...
shadowplay Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Because it makes me feel like a kid forced to stay at the table until they finish their plate of liver and onion. And like stillafool said, it is most likely unfair to him. This part confuses me. It makes it sound as if you think staying with somebody longer than a few dates who is committed to you could offer you nothing pleasurable. What exactly are you looking for? Are just looking for a short, sexy fling or a real relationship? If you're not looking for a relationship, then make that clear to the other person from the get go and also make that clear to yourself.
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