Exclusivity – is the “talk” a must?

[DatingQuestions]

Been with a guy for about two months now. He has me completely confused because he hasn’t talked to me about our relationship. In all of my previous relationships, the guy always brought up the topic either before or soon after we were intimate. This guy, however, would call me about twice a week, usually to schedule a date to see me over the weekend, or sometimes midweek. He doesn’t hesitate introducing me to his friends, although I have no idea what his friends think we are. My gut feeling is telling me that he considers us “dating”, but may be not in a relationship. However, he makes future plans about going on trips and he is not afraid to show me that he misses me on those days we aren’t around each other. He tells me how much he likes me and on many occasions would call me “perfect” for him.

 

I was tempted to initiate the “talk” with him, but I keep secretly want him to do it first. I am curious whether it is a MUST for a couple to discuss and define their relationship, or could it be assumed that we are boyfriend/girlfriend after two months into an intimate relationship?

 

He doesn’t show any signs of playing around, but I have a feeling that he might either be a commitment phobic or still trying to keep his options open for something “better” to come up later. Either way, do you guys think I should initiate the talk sometime soon? How should I go about it without sounding vulnerable or ridiculous?

 

Thanks in advance!

[IpAncA]

Don't you want to know where you stand? I wouldn't assume anything.

[Lizzie60]

do you guys think I should initiate the talk sometime soon?

 

Yes why not... if it bothers you so much... have a serious talk about it.

 

How should I go about it without sounding vulnerable or ridiculous?

 

Tell him that it is bothering you and you want things to be clear, black and white... you can always throw the fear of the STD in there... don't be scared about being straight forward about your feelings and your need...

[amber1]

I think he is either a committment-phobe or he is keeping his options open. You can bring it up but just be prepared for him to possibly try to change the subject or become irritable when you bring it up. I don't think he wants to talk about it or otherwise he would bring it up to you. I have a question though. You say he introduces you to his friends. What does he refer to you as? Does he introduce you by name?

[DatingQuestions]

When he introduces me to his friends, it is by name.... Yeah I'm feeling worse about this now. I thought about how to ask him, but my feelings are telling me that he might just be vague about it, or even worse, tell me something I don't want to hear. So why even bother? May be I should just choose to give up instead. It's just that there so much mixed signs from him that I don't know which direction to go!

 

For example, signs he's giving me that are positive -- I told him that I went to see a great movie with a friend, and sugguest that he goes to see it, he said: "now I don't have anyone to go with..."

-- he introduced me to his friends, and was attentative and affectionate toward me in front of them.

-- after talking about a couple nice vacation spots he'd like to take me, he told me looking straight into my eyes: "I want to share places with you."

-- he keeps saying that "you are PERFECT" and I feel that he wasn't just saying that, he meant it at the moment at least.

-- he makes an effort to see me at least once a week, Friday nights most of the time, then also Sunday he'll take me out for brunch.

-- he doesn't appear to just want sex, and he is making it clear to me by only scheduling to see me for dinner or take me out for brunch, and by taking me to his friend's parties.

-- he pays for everything, and he cooks for me.

 

Signs that are negative -- he hasn't talked to me about our status and keeps me confused with his actions.

-- he has lots of female friends and he mentions a lot about one that he is spending quite some time with "working" on a project. He mostly talk about their work, but at one point, he did say. "She is a pretty girl." He changed our dates around a couple of times simply because they had to "work".. and this is only a "side project", but it is surely taking a lot of his time.

-- he doesn't call too much, usually to set up dates. It makes me upset that he talks to his other female friends more often than me. He did tell me that he is not good for calling people, but I can call him anytime though.

-- he claims that he works seven days, and things are busier as of recently, especially since we started to see each other!

 

Gosh please help me decide what to do! How do I construct the "talk" if i were to do that? Or should I just play the game with him by giving up instead?

[Cobra_X30]

Playa Please!

 

Yeah, sounds like he is keeping his options open. I notice about half of your positives are crap he says... then your list of negatives are all facts and actions.

 

Definitely talk to him about your status, unless you dont care to be exclusive. I mean you may not be exclusive now... so pay very close attention... not to what he says, but to how he says it.

[IMUSTBEAFOOL]

Been with a guy for about two months now. He has me completely confused because he hasn’t talked to me about our relationship.

 

MAYBE THAT IS SOMETHING U ASKED HIM NOT TO DO - IF YOU BOTH ARE JUST STARTING U DON'T NEED THE PRESSURE

 

In all of my previous relationships, the guy always brought up the topic either before or soon after we were intimate. This guy, however, would call me about twice a week, usually to schedule a date to see me over the weekend, or sometimes midweek. He doesn’t hesitate introducing me to his friends, although I have no idea what his friends think we are. My gut feeling is telling me that he considers us “dating”, but may be not in a relationship.

 

YOU NEED TO TALK - FOR ME, THE MOMENT I DECIDE TO DATE A WOMAN WE ARE EXCLUSIVE - THAT'S HOW IT SHOULD BE.

 

AND TALKING ABOUT IT DOESN'T MAKE U SOUND SILLY - MAKES U SOUND RESPECTFUL.

[Trialbyfire]

Why play a game? If you want exclusivity from him, ask him. If he dances around, pin him down to a stance. If he refuses exclusivity, you are no further ahead or behind than you are now except that you will have certain knowledge. Certain knowledge provides you with the ability to make a conscious decision whether you want to keep him or exit.

 

It's almost impossible for anyone to help you construct an exclusivity discussion since we don't know you or your date. There are nuances in each situation created by history from both parties that no one can know or begin to understand, unless they are part of the relationship.

[norajane]

You don't have to say you want to be exclusive, you can just ask if he's seeing other people. Then you'll know if he is or not.

 

If he says yes, then you can choose whether you want to ask him to be exclusive. Or not.

 

If he says no, same thing.

 

It doesn't have to be a big deal, only if you make it so.

[maynard]

he is playing a game with you and looks like he's playing it to perfection

 

i can sympathize though when you kinda want to know what the deal is. im in the same situation now, except its with an ex and she broke it off with me because she said she wasnt ready to commit. we have been really close lately and behaving like a relationship, but its really never been expressed concretely.

 

i really want to bring it up, but i dont want the result that you fear, so i guess i have to wait it out for her to ask me what is up with us

[DatingQuestions]

I've decided to "next" this guy. I have shifted the focus on me and realized that I do not want an ambivalent guy. He does not deserve my attention and my time. I won't even bother with the "talk".

 

Thanks for all your responses.

[soulseeker]

I do not want an ambivalent guy. He does not deserve my attention and my time.

 

Good for you. It's hard sometimes to follow through with this, but it's crucial. Good luck