oasis Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 I was dating a guy for almost 3 months who is considerable younger than me. We saw each other weekly - he is extremely busy as he has just entered a new profession. We got along great for the most part. On occasions, I have expressed a few of my dislikes to him. i.e, making dates and calling me on the day of the date to make plans. Another example, calling me "friend" when we are sleeping together. He calls, text and takes me out for dinners. We had a date two weeks ago and everything seemed normal. I text him after the date to ask how his day was going. He responded, 'hey, I'm good", which is not the usual manner in which we communicate. Did not hear anything from him for 5 days. I was angry and afraid of becoming emotional, so I let the call go to voicemail. Last Sunday, I called him back 2 days later after he left the voicemail and he said that he could not talk now, because he is going to pick up a friend to go to a theme park and that he will call me upon his return. He did call. First, I asked him how things went at the park. Then I told him that lately he seemed kinda distant and asked if everything is okay. He said that everything is okay, but he was still very cold and distant. He said that he will call later so that we can talk. Now here is the kicker, it has been a week and no response from him. I am stunned that someone who called frequently and appeared to be into me, can just disappeared without a word or explanation. It is one of the most painful thing that anyone can go through. Any suggestions as to why he behaved that way is welcome.
Trialbyfire Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 who is considerable younger than me Emotional immaturity, inability to handle conflict, lazy/selfish or a coward.
Author oasis Posted August 26, 2007 Author Posted August 26, 2007 Thanks Trialbyfire for your thoughts. Any more suggestions anyone?
garnet Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 It sounds like for some reason he may have changed his mind about the relationship but doesn't have the balls to tell you that straight out. This happened to me about two years ago, also with a younger guy (7 years younger). In my case it turns out there was another woman in the picture and he was confused and didn't know how to tell me. I eventually got it out of him because I kind of forced him to talk about it, as we had been extremely close. Who knows what it is in your case exactly, but your gut is telling you something is off, so it probably is. I feel for you because it is very painful. The thing to keep in mind is that his behavior is not only immature but very disrespectful to you. You guys have been intimate so he owes you more than that. Take a good look at this guy and ask yourself if you really want to be with someone who acts this way.
Author oasis Posted August 26, 2007 Author Posted August 26, 2007 Thanks Garnet. Regarding my "gut feeling", it is saying that he has met someone else and does not want to say it. We were also close. We spoke about things going on in both of our lives. As painful as it is, I think I would have felt better if he said something. Anything, rather than have be wondering every minute of the day, what happened? It is indeed painful.
jerbear Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 Having done this myself. I got bored and didn't feel like calling or talking about it. When you are into someone else, you forget about others. I no longer do that, now I just leave a VM if I don't talk to the person.
Zapbasket Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 I think sometimes, in short-duration relationships, they do it so as to SPARE your feelings. There's no easy or artful way to tell someone, "I'm not into you anymore" and no way to back it up with any kind of logical explanation and probably to them having to say those words aloud sounds kind-of ridiculous. So they just kind-of quietly peter out, hoping the other person will get the point. I know I've done this with guys with whom I've only gone out on a few dates. And in those cases, I really felt I didn't owe them an explanation. They all got the point and stopped calling after one or two unreturned calls. Granted, this was all in my early 20s. But I think unfortunately such behavior extends well into adulthood, because it *is* a pretty awful prospect to have to tell someone to their face that you're not into them anymore. After three months of dating I think it would have been nice if he'd have said, "Mmmm, you know, I think I want to date other people now." And after you've been dating a while, this kind of petering out is 150% UNACCEPTABLE. Sorry you're going through this. It sucks.
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 I agree with the others who've suggested that he's trying to get across a "I'm not interested" message to you. Non-communication and disappearance are easy ways to do that. It's not a very responsible and mature way, though. He could've at least conveyed the message to you. I mean, it would suck for you anyway, and it's made worse when he doesn't even take the trouble to notify you. Sorry about how you feel, and I hope you get over it soon.
Author oasis Posted August 27, 2007 Author Posted August 27, 2007 LS members, I appreciate all of the comments and insightful advice that you are giving me regarding this post. Lizzie60, there is a 15 yr. old gap in age. He is a Medical Doctor.
Lizzie60 Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 hard to say but I would think that maybe he feels less and less interested... maybe he feels some pressure from you... maybe he met someone else but just don't want to tell you just yet. My first encounter ever with a younger guy happened about 4 months after my separation from my first ex... He was 18 years younger... I was 44. For a month, it was insane... we saw each other almost every day...then nothing.. not even a phone call...it suddenly stopped. I called him, left him a message, never heard back from him... I know he called once after that, but didn't leave a message... strange.. I had absolutely no idea what happened...then. Several months later, I found out he had met a girl his age while playing baseball... (she was also playing baseball).. then got married the next year... LOL I just thought he was dumb not to call me and let me know... Maybe you should ask him... don't expect any 'serious long term relationship with a young guy like that... just have fun and enjoy them, don't get emotionally involved..
Author oasis Posted August 27, 2007 Author Posted August 27, 2007 Thanks Lizzie. I think that you have zeroed in on all of the reasons. Disinterest, meeting someone new, some pressure from me, may have been the catalyst that have caused him to disappear. About not developing emotions for someone that young. My problem is, I tend to get attach through sex. That has caused me emotional pain in some of my past relationships.
Lizzie60 Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Thanks Lizzie. I think that you have zeroed in on all of the reasons. Disinterest, meeting someone new, some pressure from me, may have been the catalyst that have caused him to disappear. About not developing emotions for someone that young. My problem is, I tend to get attach through sex. That has caused me emotional pain in some of my past relationships. Most women get attached with the guy once they have sex... this is the sad reality for a lot of women... I don't know how old you are...but I was like that when I was younger... but after my second long-term relationship (again with a guy 12 yr younger) I just don't get attached anymore... I like the guys, but I know I can't fall in love with them... plus in some cases, the guys are just soooo young... (like 20+ younger) I would be stupid if I fell for them... It's not easy...
tinke Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 oasis, i'm not convinced it's an age thing, but rather his way of avoiding issues. He is a runner and they come in all ages!! had a similar experience after a 10 yr LTR, he is older. bet if you think about it, he avoids all unpleasant situations..friends, work, family, etc. it's his way and probably long-standing. veryyyyyyyyy immature to say the least. hope you're doing better.
tinke Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 oh yes, by the way....there was always another woman involved with my ex.
Author oasis Posted August 27, 2007 Author Posted August 27, 2007 Thanks again Lizzie, I will try and be more careful in the future with me emotions. Read way too many romantic novels when I was a young girl.
Author oasis Posted August 27, 2007 Author Posted August 27, 2007 Tinke, most definitely there is a woman involved. Men do not go from something to nothing. Only in very extreme cases.
lonelybird Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 without emotion attachment? so being a sex machine is a promising direction that women should strive for? Lizzie you are so under bondage of what some kinds of men want
WhiteKnight Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Hey Oasis, to sum it up from my point of view, its hard to tell what is on the guys mind. To share from a male's point fo view. For me for a similiar situation that is reversed a little, my ex wanted to keep in touch with me and I let her only do it via online chat and to specific email addresses that would keep my friendship alive in a safe distant way. I know she's married and all but all of sudden whenever in our friendship she still has strong feelings for me. Although whenever I do stay silent and don't catch up with her or communicate for a long period of time, she knew I was busy with something but never figured it was with someone else. I didn't have the courage to tell her that I am attached so I let her do it myself, when she found out... I know she became silent but spoke once in awhile. Sad but true. As to why I never told my ex that I have found someone else, I just try not to worry about too much for her. She should be fine with her husband to say the least but if she misses a guy's close friendship with her, I guess life moves on. I go in my separate ways from my ex but I stay very distant and never intiated with my ex. I leave her alone in peace. I just do that because maybe I care about her or perhaps I just don't want anything to do with her. If that is the case, I would just leave her alone altogether without causing her any harm. My ex got worried about me blocking her email address and avoiding the questions of getting my new contact details (that is moble/cell phone) but I told her outright that things are better off to heal before I could trust her again. I became cold and distant from her, she felt very sad and told her friends about me when I did not speak with her for a long time. I told all of her friends that I would be friends with my ex but its not my fault that my life has taken me to a new and challenging direction. I know sometimes that I wanted to hear from my ex, and vice versa but at the same time when people move on with something that distracts them. I guess you have to say that its a part of life that people do come and go. I know close friends or ex's want to have some sort of happiness to know things are going well but hate losing contact from them if they don't speak to you. I guess whenever a conversation is difficult to initiate and followed through, sometimes I look at ways to see if the person can talk to me. If the person says "I'm busy..." I just say... "I know there is something else, if you don't want me to talk to you again. I'll leave you in peace." Sometimes I get a reaction that would either, be like either 'confused' or 'weird' remark. Although some would try to convince you not to take it very personal if they can not speak with you. If a person can not speak with you, I suppose they either don't trust you, or don't want to brag or lie. *shrugs* We all love an enjoyable conversation sometimes however then again, we can not have it everyday if the person is preoccupied I guess what I am saying is Oasis, be glad you still have an ex you can socialise with once in awhile.
kirikat Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Please please please... drop him NOW. Save yourself all the heartbreak, all the drama - and just WALK. Otherwise, you could get yourself jerked around for the rest of the year... and end up here with a broken heart. WHY he is being a f#ckwad doesnt matter. Honestly. He is being disrespectful, and you should not accept it. Been there, done it - still recovering.
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