shadowplay Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 My boyfriend told me something that made me feel really terrible last night. A little background... There was another guy in the class where I met my bf over the spring who I was also sort of interested in and seemed like he might like me, but I lost touch with him when I dropped the class near the end. Anyway, I haven't talked to this guy in months but my boyfriend was recently in touch with him because the guy asked him for his help on a project. Last night I asked my boyfriend in passing if he had mentioned to the guy that we were dating. My bf said that he had...when the guy called him up a few weeks ago, he asked my bf what he was doing that night and my bf said he was actually going on a date with me ("Remember that girl from our class..?") He said the guy's response was really weird. He got all defensive and said I was "pretty cute" but started talking about this Turkish girl he had gotten involved with and how she was prettier than me. WTF?? This made me feel terrible, because I have low self esteem as it is. I just don't understand why this guy would say this to my bf. It makes no sense.
Trialbyfire Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 a) Your b/f has diarrhea of the mouth... Why would he tell you the whole story of one-upmanship between ego-boys? It's such a guy thing. b) Why are you taking this personally? There will always be people more or less attractive than you.
Enema Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 Two reasons. 1) To reassure your boyfriend that he has no designs on chasing / stealing you from him. 2) One-up-manship - He didn't want you boyfriend to think he was "better" or had "won". ...it's not about you, it's a guy vs guy thing.
Krytellan Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 Your bf's a jerk for telling you that IMO. They sound like a good pair. To some men... err... boys, a woman's attractiveness is a competition and a statement of their worth. This was a conversation you never should have been made a part of.
Author shadowplay Posted August 26, 2007 Author Posted August 26, 2007 Why are you taking this personally? There will always be people more or less attractive than you. Well, I've been diagnosed with body dysmorphia so I tend to take that kind off thing personally -- when something negative is said about the way I look it can make me feel depressed for weeks even if it's not that rational. Of course I know there will always be people more attractive than me, but it just hurts that another person would make a point of remarking that somebody else is better. It's like my worst fear that people are saying negative things about me behind my back.
Trialbyfire Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 Well, I've been diagnosed with body dysmorphia so I tend to take that kind off thing personally -- when something negative is said about the way I look it can make me feel depressed for weeks even if it's not that rational. Of course I know there will always be people more attractive than me, but it just hurts that another person would make a point of remarking that somebody else is better. It's like my worst fear that people are saying negative things about me behind my back. shadowplay, stop right there. I want you to think about why it bothers you what other people say. Tell me why.
Author shadowplay Posted August 26, 2007 Author Posted August 26, 2007 Your bf's a jerk for telling you that IMO. They sound like a good pair. To some men... err... boys, a woman's attractiveness is a competition and a statement of their worth. This was a conversation you never should have been made a part of. Yeah, I figured it was some sort of competitive thing...but I guess it still seems completely weird to me for somebody to say that. I just can't imagine a conversation that goes like 'yeah, so I'm dating this girl.' 'oh, I just got involved with this girl who's prettier than the one you're dating.' like wtf...who actually says that?
Author shadowplay Posted August 26, 2007 Author Posted August 26, 2007 shadowplay, stop right there. I want you to think about why it bothers you what other people say. Tell me why. Well, honestly, part of me is worried that if negative things are said about me to my boyfriend, he'll value me less. I know the response will be 'then he's not even worth it', but the truth is guys are that way...they value women in part based on how much other guys do. Now I feel paranoid that his friends have said negative things as well. The other thing is I have a lot of trouble trusting people so the whole idea of people talking about me behind my back or secretly judging me has always freaked me out. This guy was always very friendly to me in person, so I find it disturbing he would have been critical behind my back.
Trialbyfire Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 Well, honestly, part of me is worried that if negative things are said about me to my boyfriend, he'll value me less. I know the response will be 'then he's not even worth it', but the truth is guys are that way...they value women in part based on how much other guys do. Now I feel paranoid that his friends have said negative things as well. The other thing is I have a lot of trouble trusting people so the whole idea of people talking about me behind my back or secretly judging me has always freaked me out. This guy was always very friendly to me in person, so I find it disturbing he would have been critical behind my back. He's not being critical behind your back. He's one-upping your b/f. You're taking this way too personally and have to understand this is between guys, albeit immature guys.
sweetbutcheeky Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 What bothers you more, that this guy said this about you (to your bf)? Or that your bf told you? There was no point in your bf telling you that information, someone that cares about you would protect you from being hurt for no reason. Though other than the other guy being a jerk, I can see why he said it. Because he was attracted to you, he was jealous of your bf being with you and had to make himself look good by thinking he was with someone better and rubbing it in your bf's face. Even though it was meant towards your bf not you, why care about what he thinks anyway? Maybe your bf just stuck his foot in his mouth by telling you and was a one time thing. But still wasn't nice of him to do that, was something you didn't need to know and hurts you for no reason. Keep an eye out for that kind of situation, he should care more about feelings.
uniqueone Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 There's nothing you should feel bad about in this situation if you look at it for what it is...... There are three people involved and each is pretty much just concerned with their own ego. Take "the friend".....he may have been interested in you in the past. So when your BF tells him he's dating you, the friend feels that the other guys looking like a winner. (esp. if your BF was bragging). So how does he get some self-esteem back? He one-ups him. It's a version of "my dad's better than your dad".....that five year olds play. To one-up him, he has to make HIS GF sound better. That's why he mentions she's prettier. So now the friend feels he's pretty studly and can walk away strutting his feathers. Now let's take your B/F.....he just got one-upped. That didn't do much for his self-esteem. If he tells you what the other guy said, you'll have some negative things to say about the other guy. This will make your B/F feel good. It turns that other guy into a little tiny ant ready to get squashed. Your BF is happy now. He now knows that women (or at least HIS woman) thinks that the other guy is an *********. He probably thinks you'll even feel GOOD about the whole thing when he tells you that he told the guy that you really WERE pretty. He probably figures that'll make you feel great. Basically here we have two self-serving idiots who are using cavemen mentalities. Ok....do you really want to feel better? Alright....go to your BF and tell him you ran into this girl (someone that he'd been interested in in the past). Tell him you mentioned you were dating him to her. Then tell him that she told you about her new BF and she said that, compared to your BF, this new BF of hers has got a much bigger......... Or...maybe just ditch the stupid BF of yours.....
KenzieAbsolutely Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 i think the only reason your boyfriend told you that is because he knows you were interested in this other guy before, and he wanted you to think something negative about him. i mean, who knows if that conversation even really took place? he could just be putting this guy in a bad light, ya know? don't stress yourself out over people who don't matter, beautiful.
lino Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Hey I think you've received good advice here. Don't let this get to you. I'm a bit surprised your boyfriend didn't tell him to shut the f*ck up, I would have. The only exception for me being if the other guy is a very close friend. but the truth is guys are that way...they value women in part based on how much other guys do This is only a little bit true. If a bloke is really into his girl, he won't care what other guys think or say about her & if they do say something to degrade her he'll set them straight. The blokes who really do value women based on how much other guys do aren't guys that I imagine you wanna be with. Those guys just want a trophy by their side not a girlfriend. I'm interested to know how you reacted when he told you this? What did you reply to him? Your bf's a jerk for telling you that IMO. They sound like a good pair. To some men... err... boys, a woman's attractiveness is a competition and a statement of their worth. This was a conversation you never should have been made a part of. I agree. i think the only reason your boyfriend told you that is because he knows you were interested in this other guy before, and he wanted you to think something negative about him. i mean, who knows if that conversation even really took place? he could just be putting this guy in a bad light, ya know? don't stress yourself out over people who don't matter, beautiful. This is also a possibility. Well, I've been diagnosed with body dysmorphia What's that? Just curious to know
uniqueone Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 What's that? Just curious to know It's where you don't see your body as it really is....you see it a lot worse than it is. People who have it pick apart how they look constantly. She's definately in a relationship with the wrong type of guy considering she has this disorder.
Trialbyfire Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 She's definately in a relationship with the wrong type of guy considering she has this disorder. Eh? One untactful comment doesn't make the guy so bad. It's patterns of behaviour that make for incompatibility. You're making a mountain out of a molehill.
uniqueone Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Eh? One untactful comment doesn't make the guy so bad. It's patterns of behaviour that make for incompatibility. You're making a mountain out of a molehill. An untactful comment for someone who's ok with themselves is one thing. Not for someone with her disorder. It's like calling someone with an eating disorder "fat". Very damaging to her psychologically.
Trialbyfire Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 An untactful comment for someone who's ok with themselves is one thing. Not for someone with her disorder. It's like calling someone with an eating disorder "fat". Very damaging to her psychologically. How is it damaging when the issue isn't about her? It's a guy-to-guy issue. It happens all the time. It's self-centered to expect that a partner has to walk on eggshells to be the perfect diplomatic partner. This isn't about an emotional withdrawal or his lack of interest in her.
uniqueone Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 How is it damaging when the issue isn't about her? It's a guy-to-guy issue. It happens all the time. It's self-centered to expect that a partner has to walk on eggshells to be the perfect diplomatic partner. This isn't about an emotional withdrawal or his lack of interest in her. That's true...it may be self-centered. But a person with this disorder has to look out for their own psychological well-being as their number one priority. If that includes not being involved with immature tactless boys, then so be it. I'm not suggesting he's not free to be the way he is. I'm suggesting that she should not be with him.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 An untactful comment for someone who's ok with themselves is one thing. Not for someone with her disorder. It's like calling someone with an eating disorder "fat". Very damaging to her psychologically. TBF, is correct in this one. She is bieng oversensetive. The BF obviously knows she was into this other guy, otherwise there wouldnt be a pissing contest going on! Just a little territorial insecurity. Besides... its kinda bothersome that shadow even cares what said other guy thinks! Most guys are going to value you based on how you make him FEEL. Not what other guys think. Shoot Ive been ragging on one of my friends for 2 years cause his GF could pass for his little brother! Girl makes him feel like a King... so its all just fun and games! Oh, TBF... I hesitate to mention... but your undies are showing!
Author shadowplay Posted August 27, 2007 Author Posted August 27, 2007 do you guys think I should mention to my bf that I didn't appreciate him telling me? Or should I just let it go and bring it up if he does something similar in the future? See the thing is I've never shared any of my insecurities with him, including the whole body dysmorphia thing. I might have to reveal that to explain to him why the comment bothered me so much and I'm not sure if that's a good idea at this point. We've only been seeing each other for two months. I also wonder if I should be more upset at him for this. In my experience guys often say tactless things. I don't think I've dated a guy who hasn't done this at one point or another. So should I really drop a guy if he just does it once or twice?
Trialbyfire Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Besides... its kinda bothersome that shadow even cares what said other guy thinks! Most guys are going to value you based on how you make him FEEL. Not what other guys think. I wasn't going to say it but this occurred to me too. Is she still interested in him or is it simply her ego speaking that all men must continue to want her? Consider it a brazillian style bikini...
Author shadowplay Posted August 27, 2007 Author Posted August 27, 2007 I wasn't going to say it but this occurred to me too. Is she still interested in him or is it simply her ego speaking that all men must continue to want her? Consider it a brazillian style bikini... I confess that I did have some lingering feelings for him, but of course I had no plans to pursue them. On the bright side I guess this shows me the bullet I dodged. He seems like an ass.
Trialbyfire Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 I confess that I did have some lingering feelings for him, but of course I had no plans to pursue them. On the bright side I guess this shows me the bullet I dodged. He seems like an ass. Ba da bing... Thanks for your honesty. Now you can see what this is really about.
Beauty28 Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 The other guy should have never said anything if he thought that about you and your b/f should have not told you especially if he knows that you have low self esteem (which by the way is the only reason why you care in the first place). Fagheddaboutit!!!! It's just 1 jerk boy's opionion. Who cares what he thinks!!!
Cobra_X30 Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 do you guys think I should mention to my bf that I didn't appreciate him telling me? Or should I just let it go and bring it up if he does something similar in the future? See the thing is I've never shared any of my insecurities with him, including the whole body dysmorphia thing. I might have to reveal that to explain to him why the comment bothered me so much and I'm not sure if that's a good idea at this point. We've only been seeing each other for two months. I also wonder if I should be more upset at him for this. In my experience guys often say tactless things. I don't think I've dated a guy who hasn't done this at one point or another. So should I really drop a guy if he just does it once or twice? Ok, share your insecurities once there is sufficient trust built, but do not go into this specific incident. Why? Because he is going to pick up on the fact that you were interested in this other guy. Insecure girls are the ones that run around on you! Its going to make him throw the emotional e-brake on! There isnt a guy on the planet that is Mr. Smoothe 100% of the time. I'm sure you say stuff that gets to him too.
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