Need a womens perspective?

[V6TransAM]

I posted my story in "I ruined the trust in a 4 yr relationship"

 

I am remorseful and admitted to her and myself that I had issues. I have taken steps to deal with this and attend meetings and read up on the subject daily, whether onilne or in books.

 

Is there anything I can do for her?

 

We were talking fairly well until my b-day sat, I didnt, hell I couldnt talk about it. Spending one without her has been one of the worst things I have ever experinced. Since the 1st mth we dated(4yrs ago first week of aug) we have spent every one of my b-days together and at the Trans AM Nationals in Dayton OH and visiting a friend who lives nearby. this has been a pretty devestating time in my life.

 

She did call me on my b-day to wish me a happy b-day and that was pretty much it.

 

I'm just looking for anything I can do right now....

 

I'm kinda lost and have been having a hard time dealing with everything.

 

We've talked almost next to nil this last week, so I'm not sure of anything right now.

 

thanks for any advice

[nottoobright]

I posted my story in "I ruined the trust in a 4 yr relationship"

 

I am remorseful and admitted to her and myself that I had issues. I have taken steps to deal with this and attend meetings and read up on the subject daily, whether onilne or in books.

 

Is there anything I can do for her?

 

We were talking fairly well until my b-day sat, I didnt, hell I couldnt talk about it. Spending one without her has been one of the worst things I have ever experinced. Since the 1st mth we dated(4yrs ago first week of aug) we have spent every one of my b-days together and at the Trans AM Nationals in Dayton OH and visiting a friend who lives nearby. this has been a pretty devestating time in my life.

 

She did call me on my b-day to wish me a happy b-day and that was pretty much it.

 

I'm just looking for anything I can do right now....

 

I'm kinda lost and have been having a hard time dealing with everything.

 

We've talked almost next to nil this last week, so I'm not sure of anything right now.

 

thanks for any advice

 

As a woman who was cheated on and trying to find some resolve to the issues that me and my husband are going through my suggestion to you when you asked what you can do? My suggestion is ANYTHING she wants you to do, whether it is give her time to heal or bend over and kiss her *ss 15 times a day in exactally the spot she wants kissed. For petes sake don't do what my husband is doing and use the excuse that you had "issues", she already knows that you had issues or you wouldn't have cheated. I am waiting for my husband to tell me the reason he cheated was because he was a selfish S.O.B. and he was horny. Were you in love with the other woman? If you did it out of love than you have no business asking your wife or girlfriend to take you back. If you weren't in love and weren't being paid you did it for one reason and one reason only, SEX!!!!

Apologize, beg, cry, ass kiss whatever but make sure it is what SHE wants.

And if my post sounds angry and bitter well I am angry and bitter for all the women and men that go through an affair whether they are married, dating, living together, whatever.

[East of Jupiter]

I really appreciated when my husband took the effort to write me and explain himself. I never tired of trying to understand.

 

Even if nothing comes of it, it may help her understand and who knows, it may help you too.

 

No, I don't think you can apologize enough. And if and when that time comes, let her be the judge of that.

 

Not communicating at this point, may somehow confirm whatever right/wrong impressions she is left with. Meaning when someone cheats on you of course you think they didn't care enough for you. If they step back (for whatever reasons) one can easily think they may have been right in that assessment.

 

It's a dance without any music. Difficult to know if you are moving to the right beat or not. But the alternative, is that you don't dance at all.

[East of Jupiter]

By the way, Happy Birthday!

 

You are like a newborn this year aren't you? A new man ...

[Trialbyfire]

Remorse is an interesting emotion. Do you feel terrible because it cost you your relationship or do you feel terrible because of the damage inflicted on another?

 

If you knew right now that there was no hope, ever, for the two of you to reinstate your relationship, would you still try to help her?

[livebuzzwords]

Do you feel terrible because it cost you your relationship or do you feel terrible because of the damage inflicted on another?

 

10 Months ago i felt bad because it cost me the R - i was still trapped in self-centred land - then I grew up, did the work and realized my role, the damage and found clarity. i didn't cheat on my babe but i crossed the line many times and i can now see why - these things are from the past, by a man that truly was ill and ill prepared and lacked cognitive understanding - that guy had been drifting for a while - i like the new bubble boi

[V6TransAM]

Its remorse for destroying a part of my life I held very dear and finally realizing the hurt and pain I caused her.

 

I just wish it never took me so long to realize.

 

I originally was in the get her back at any cost.............it wasnt until I realized my own faults and issues that it really hit home. I dont think I will ever forget the day when my eyes opened and I realized the damage I caused while never acknowledgeing it.

 

Just wish there was something I could do more.

 

Due to going back to school we are seperated by 1100 miles

[Trialbyfire]

If you knew right now that there was no hope, ever, for the two of you to reinstate your relationship, would you still try to help her?

I'm repeating my question to you V6TA.

[V6TransAM]

Trial,

 

If that was the ultimate end result I would like to say yes that I would, it would destroy me inside, but due to the pain I've caused it might help bring closure to all involved.

[Trialbyfire]

In a situation like infidelity, to help someone, you have to prove to them that you only have their best interests at heart and you are willing to put your own selfish interests aside. This is true remorse.

 

If you're only helping her to get her back, she will see through this and stomp you.

 

If you're helping her for both reasons, it's a balancing act of letting her know that while you remain 100% invested, her best interests come first, therefore, what does she need from you to either make the relationship work or to help her get back on her feet without you.

 

In both situation #1 or #3, she will be incredibly resistant to your help. The last thing she needs is to grow reliant on you again.

[V6TransAM]

Trial,

 

I'd sell my soul if it would take back all the pain I caused for being emotionless and blind.

 

I cannot hide the fact that I want her back and that I messed up badly.

 

I know my only true hope is to listen to her(when/if we talk) and give her the space she desires no matter how it pains me.

 

I have never been in a situation like this before and sometimes I feel like a blind man groping for straws

[Trialbyfire]

Make certain there's no pretence in how you offer your help. No soft-sell or dishonesty. But if you want her back, also let her know that while her needs come first, with or without you, you're 100% invested and remain true to her.

 

This is leaving yourself wide open for major pain...but...no risk, no return.

[V6TransAM]

I know Trial

 

I am trying, it would be a lie to say I dont slip at times, it is very hard to do.

 

I try and give it my best everyday.

 

I try to take it one day at a time and hope for the best. Also why I am trying to work on myself both mentally and physically so I feel both in and outside about myself.

[get.mos]

As a woman who was cheated on and trying to find some resolve to the issues that me and my husband are going through my suggestion to you when you asked what you can do? ... For petes sake don't do what my husband is doing and use the excuse that you had "issues", she already knows that you had issues or you wouldn't have cheated.

 

i agree: individuals do the "i had issues." my partner has done just this, and i still don't have resolution.

 

in any case, back to the original question... i wish i could give you an answer. not sure there is an easy one. if she wants to give your relationship another try, she'll try her hardest to give you a chance, and you will need to bend over backwards. can't give one inch of questionability.

 

if she doesn't give you a chance - even though she may still talk/hang out with you, you won't have a chance.

 

in any case, losing that trust is hurtful to all parties involved. and all parties need to work on how to trust again.

 

good luck to you.

[V6TransAM]

Thanks get.mos

 

I didnt do the "I had issues" I'm in the "I have issues" and I am trying to rectify them to make myself the person I want to be.

 

I dont know if I will get that chance, I pray everyday that I will, but nothing in life is guaranteed unfortuneately. I wouldnt care what the rules or conditions are, I would get over that pretty quickly because I know its almost for certain if I get that chance. I've resigned myself to that.

 

The trust thing will be hard. I've been reading about infidelity on the internet and attending SLAA meeting twice a week since everything blew up. I am trying, for my own sake and I hope at some point in the future for hers too. I know I devestated her with this, I just want her to know I can be trusted and that I've admitted my faults and am actively working on them.

 

We talked t-nite for a bit. She was so down in the dumps over other things in her life I called her rather than talk on Skype and asked her what the matter was and let her talk while I listened. I didnt interupt or argue or say what I thought, I just let her talk. It was a nice regular conversation, I brought nothing up about the R.

 

I even told her if she needed the money for rent so her mom didnt throw her out all she had to do was say so. She said she wouldnt ask me for money. I simply replied asking is when u have to an offer is already there and let it go at that. I simply will not let anything bad happen to her if I can help it.

 

Thats the latest

[get.mos]

here's a question i have for you, if i may: how long are you willing to "bend over backwards?"

 

in my situation, i've told my partner that i don't think i'm in love w/him anymore. though, i do love him, and we're best friends. but, when we're intimate, it's difficult for me, because i don't f**k my friends (i don't think of them in that light), and that's how i see him right now.

 

at this point, he wants the relationship more than i do. but, i have no intentions of hurting him, and i told him that if we D, i'll turn over title of the house to him, as he would probably need it more than i (he has one responsibility more than me). there's a part of me that feels like, "well, if i can't get past this pain, i just wanna cut the quick and not drag this out." at which point, i'd feel bad for all the time he spent bending over backwards for me.

 

any thoughts?

[V6TransAM]

I dont think I could bend over backwards the rest of my life lol I dont think thats possible of anyone.

 

I could definitely do it for quite awhile if that is what it took.

 

I know she still loves me in some way and she is devestated by my actions.

 

I would literally do anything for her, together or not.

 

I guess I cant comment on your situation much, since I dont have a lot to go on? Your "friends" but "u love him", kinda confusing to go on without something else to go off of. U should make a post if u havent already.

[V6TransAM]

Anyone else care to comment?