FiveAlarmJockey Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 Well I got so much controversy from my post on another thread that I thought I would post my own thread to get input. I have been with MM for 5 years now. We have 2 children together...a 19-month old daughter and 2-month old son. When the A started off, I was married (on the verge of a divorce) and he was separated (living at a friends house). After a few months, he was back living with his W because his Dad died and he took custody of his brother and needed a home for him to live in. I divorced about a year later. I have an 11-year old daughter from my marriage. My MM's W knows all about me and our children. (I even had to file a harassing phone calls suit against her with the local police department...couldn't file a restraining order because she would have to threaten me face-to-face for that. She seems to think that I am a home wrecker and that this A is all my fault, not his.) She says that she will never give him a divorce...that divorce is not an option. I don't know what makes him stay with her. Even his mother has talked with me and doesn't understand why he doesn't leave her. I've told him that he doesn't need her consent for a divorce...if he files, she has 30 days to oppose it or it will be final. He claims that he does not have the money for the divorce nor the money to move out on his own. Well, I let him know last week and I was done with this A. I began NC last week and am doing a good job. Even though it's hard because he has come to see the kids twice in the last week. But he knows that I am serious (this time) because I have resisted having sex with him on both occasions. (Whenever I have voiced my wanting to leave in the past, he would just come over and tell me how much he loved me and I would fall right back into his arms.) But not this time. I don't answer his text messages (unless it has to do with the kids) and when he calls I make sure to keep it short and only talk about the kids. He is very depressed with all of this, but I have to stick to my guns. This A has gone on too long. Thoughts?
Lyssa Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 Way to go, FAJ! I think you're doing a good job at it. If he really wanted to be by your side, he would have done everything he could to be with you. You should be proud of yourself that you have managed through your NC with him. Keep it up. You will pull through and trust me, there is a better life for you with another man in the future!
Hurt & Alone Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 I read your post on the other thread. Your location 'transplanted Southern Girl' makes it sound like you are in the same State I am in and, if that is the case there are Stalking Laws that could come into play. One of the items that defines Stalking is contact regardless of how the contact is made that causes you aggrevation. Check into it. As far as him not leaving the W because he has no money for the D, that is a bunch of crap because I didnt have the money for a D but somehow I was able to come up with the 5,000 dollars to do it, even if he has to borrow the money. So he has options if he truly wanted a D. My hat is off to you for being a single mother raising two children on your own. He does need to choose and not keep you hanging on a string. This is not fair to you, or the children. He has no children with the W than IMO his obligation is to the two children you have together.
RealityCheck Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 Well I got so much controversy from my post on another thread that I thought I would post my own thread to get input. I have been with MM for 5 years now. We have 2 children together...a 19-month old daughter and 2-month old son. When the A started off, I was married (on the verge of a divorce) and he was separated (living at a friends house). After a few months, he was back living with his W because his Dad died and he took custody of his brother and needed a home for him to live in. I divorced about a year later. I have an 11-year old daughter from my marriage. My MM's W knows all about me and our children. (I even had to file a harassing phone calls suit against her with the local police department...couldn't file a restraining order because she would have to threaten me face-to-face for that. She seems to think that I am a home wrecker and that this A is all my fault, not his.) She says that she will never give him a divorce...that divorce is not an option. I don't know what makes him stay with her. Even his mother has talked with me and doesn't understand why he doesn't leave her. I've told him that he doesn't need her consent for a divorce...if he files, she has 30 days to oppose it or it will be final. He claims that he does not have the money for the divorce nor the money to move out on his own. Well, I let him know last week and I was done with this A. I began NC last week and am doing a good job. Even though it's hard because he has come to see the kids twice in the last week. But he knows that I am serious (this time) because I have resisted having sex with him on both occasions. (Whenever I have voiced my wanting to leave in the past, he would just come over and tell me how much he loved me and I would fall right back into his arms.) But not this time. I don't answer his text messages (unless it has to do with the kids) and when he calls I make sure to keep it short and only talk about the kids. He is very depressed with all of this, but I have to stick to my guns. This A has gone on too long. Thoughts? My question is not about how much you love your children. I believe you love them with every breath you take! I can understand that a pregnancy is possible in an A. What I am having a hard time understanding is why you would produce 2 children in an A. Why would you birth children to a Man who is claiming no money to pay so much for even his Divorce. Where is his financial responsibilities to those babies??? Why would you not pursue child support? As for the W...No comment. enough said on that subject.
Author FiveAlarmJockey Posted August 26, 2007 Author Posted August 26, 2007 I understand your concerns, RealityCheck. Believe me...I get it every day from my family and friends. I will definitely pursue legal action against him for support. He does help out financially when I ask. I am currently still on an extended maternity leave. He has given me the money to pay for my bills (for 2 months) so that I was able to extend my leave. Once I go back to work (middle of next month) he has agreed to pay for half of the daycare. If he fails to hold up his end, I will DEFINITELY take him to court. As for producing the 2 children, like I said in my other post, it was OUR decision. We were in love and wanted children together. He still insists that he is going to do the right thing and leave his W, but I am tired of waiting and tired of hearing his same excuses. And as for the W...well I have no comment, also.
RealityCheck Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 I understand your concerns, RealityCheck. Believe me...I get it every day from my family and friends. I will definitely pursue legal action against him for support. He does help out financially when I ask. I am currently still on an extended maternity leave. He has given me the money to pay for my bills (for 2 months) so that I was able to extend my leave. Once I go back to work (middle of next month) he has agreed to pay for half of the daycare. If he fails to hold up his end, I will DEFINITELY take him to court. As for producing the 2 children, like I said in my other post, it was OUR decision. We were in love and wanted children together. He still insists that he is going to do the right thing and leave his W, but I am tired of waiting and tired of hearing his same excuses. And as for the W...well I have no comment, also. Okay, so here is the reality. He said he had no money to pay for the Divorce "LIE". He has given you money for an extended leave for maternity purposes. He is also proposing to pay half the daycare. Do you see what is wrong with this picture? Also "half the daycare expense"???? Are you kidding me!!! What about all the other expenses that go into raising children! I was just sitting down this morning with my little one putting labels on on his school supplies, runners etc. Taking tags of his new clothes that of course will be an ongoing concern. Now that's the little one. The older one, well their needs change and the expense has been increased much more because they are now into "what's in". Then there's the food, toiletries, shelter and all the utilities bills that come along with taking care of the entire household. Hmmm....then there are extra ciricular activities. I don't have to tell you how much "hockey" has cost. But that's only hockey. Then there is swimming, baseball, T-ball. Oh! I forgot those Hotdog days or pizza days at school that require money. Then again my older one would like to go to the movies with his buddies. Gas money to get the kids everywhere! Oh! I should mention that there is also your needs in all of this! The list is endless. Half of the daycare expense is a SHAMEFUL consideration. Go for the gusto where your kids are concerned and don't settle for anything less than what your mutual interests (children) deserve!
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 No offense, but this guy hasn't YET 'done the right thing' by ANYONE. He's gone ahead and created children outside his marriage, totally disrespected his wife, his OWN kids (if he has any) and his marriage on so many levels I can't even count them. And I might add, he helped create kids he knew he couldn't support fully and he did it anyway? He's basically going to let the brunt of the financial responsibility if fall on YOUR shoulders and pay half the daycare? Big deal. I can totally see why his wife is fit to be tied. You both basically thumbed your nose at her and created a family you had no right creating, REGARDLESS of who's to blame for it and who isn't. Neither one of you had a right to do that. I'll just never understand the utterly selfish and self-centered attitudes people have today - if they want something, they don't care who they step on to get it. I'm so grateful not to be be like that. I actually have compassion and courtesy for other fellow human beings. Good luck to you getting this guy to actually MAN UP and be responsible for the kids he had no right producing in the first place.
whichwayisup Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 I honestly just don't know how a man can get married, then have an affair, create children with another woman and STILL stay married! Baffles my mind and it makes NO SENSE to me whatsoever. WTF...I also don't understand why his wife is putting up with that either, I mean if my H cheated on me and had not 1 but 2 children with another woman, I would kick his butt out the door so fast..........
norajane Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 I honestly just don't know how a man can get married, then have an affair, create children with another woman and STILL stay married! Baffles my mind and it makes NO SENSE to me whatsoever. WTF...I also don't understand why his wife is putting up with that either, I mean if my H cheated on me and had not 1 but 2 children with another woman, I would kick his butt out the door so fast.......... I agree, but I'd have the same question for FAJ...why has she put up with this, to the point of choosing to have a second child with him when he was making NO move to leave his marriage? And to the point of still hoping he leaves his wife to be with her? Why would ANYONE want this man?
Author FiveAlarmJockey Posted August 26, 2007 Author Posted August 26, 2007 It's funny....I never looked at this situation from the outside in...not through all of your eyes...and now that I do...WOW!! WTH!!!! I guess that I was living in my own little fantasy land with MM being my man...that I failed to see the "humane" aspect of it all. It is really crazy and thoughtless of both of us. But, now on the other hand...it is what it is and I will continue to make the best of it. I have no vindictive, hard feelings, or regrets...whatsoever! Like I said on the other thread...I love these children and I will show them that they are loved and cared for EVERY day! No matter what the circumstance. I am fortunate enough to have an excellent career with excellent job security. My oldest daughter goes to a private school, as will these 2 children when they are old enough. I will take the MM to court if he ever shows no interest in helping me out. YOU CAN COUNT ON THAT! But until then, I respectfully believe in the "benefit of the doubt". So until he shows me otherwise (like he has with his W, by not ever leaving her and I have finally gained up the strength for NC and dumped his sorry ass...) that he will not financially support these kids in any way, I will not pursue legal action. My ExH and I have the BEST relationship that we ever had in 18 years of marriage. He is remarried and I get along good with his wife. He continues to be a part of my oldest daughter's life, both physically and financially. Even though he only brings very little financially into his household, he continues to pay more than he can afford to support our daughter. I have never had to take him to court. So you can see where my belief level that the father of a child will support their own no matter what, stems from. Anyhow, got off on a tangent...My life is a soap opera...I could write a book (so I am told)!
Author FiveAlarmJockey Posted August 26, 2007 Author Posted August 26, 2007 I agree, but I'd have the same question for FAJ...why has she put up with this, to the point of choosing to have a second child with him when he was making NO move to leave his marriage? And to the point of still hoping he leaves his wife to be with her? Why would ANYONE want this man? I agree with you NoraJane...WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT THIS MAN? I ask myself that question, over and over and over....I even think, if he was to leave his wife...WHY WOULD I WANT HIM IN MY LIFE...I see what he is capable of doing...who's to say that he wouldn't do the same to me?? I don't know...I don't know...I don't know!!!
silktricks Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 I'm a little dumbstruck by your situation. I wish the best for you and your children and hope that you can stick to your decision, it's definitely going to be difficult for you, but like everyone else on this board has said, it's certainly for the best. You are showing a lot of strength.
NoIDidn't Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 Hi. Sorry I am late. LOL. FAJ, It seems pretty obvious that MM doesn't plan on making any major moves with you and your children any time soon. I say your children because he has implied as much by offering to pay half of the child care expenses and not most or all. Plus, for all the talk of saying that SHE (his W) refuses to D, that's absolutely ridiculous. In the South, she has the option of D'ing him and taking everything that he has practically because of his A and subsequent children. He is using that as an excuse. If he wanted a D, he could've had one a long time ago. Good for you for the bubble bursting. Not good for still believing that he is an exception. He's not. Your exH was actually married to you and loves the daughter that he claims fully as his evidenced by his actions. This MM doesn't seem to feel he has to take full responsibility for anything. I mean, he took custody of his brother and then ran home so his W could help him with it. What a sad excuse for a man, no offense, JMHO.
RealityCheck Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 I mean' date=' he took custody of his brother and then ran home so his W could help him with it. What a sad excuse for a man, no offense, JMHO.[/quote'] Oh indeed let's not forget the brother.
smoochygirl Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 No offense, but this guy hasn't YET 'done the right thing' by ANYONE. He's gone ahead and created children outside his marriage, totally disrespected his wife, his OWN kids (if he has any) and his marriage on so many levels I can't even count them. And I might add, he helped create kids he knew he couldn't support fully and he did it anyway? He's basically going to let the brunt of the financial responsibility if fall on YOUR shoulders and pay half the daycare? Big deal. I can totally see why his wife is fit to be tied. You both basically thumbed your nose at her and created a family you had no right creating, REGARDLESS of who's to blame for it and who isn't. Neither one of you had a right to do that. I'll just never understand the utterly selfish and self-centered attitudes people have today - if they want something, they don't care who they step on to get it. I'm so grateful not to be be like that. I actually have compassion and courtesy for other fellow human beings. Good luck to you getting this guy to actually MAN UP and be responsible for the kids he had no right producing in the first place. Exactly my thoughts. Unfortunately there are some people who think that Marriage is "Selfishness" and "Affair" is not. What can we do if some people actually think marriage is just a "piece of paper". Being a kid of an OW and a MM is living like hell.
woe_is_me Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 Gosh FAJ .. do you know or have you met his wife? Why would he stay with her when he has two beautiful children with you? I'm stunned as to how many of these guys have a child with their OW and STILL have no intentions of leaving the M.
IWALH Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Okay, so here is the reality. He said he had no money to pay for the Divorce "LIE". He has given you money for an extended leave for maternity purposes. He is also proposing to pay half the daycare. Do you see what is wrong with this picture? Also "half the daycare expense"???? Are you kidding me!!! What about all the other expenses that go into raising children! I was just sitting down this morning with my little one putting labels on on his school supplies, runners etc. Taking tags of his new clothes that of course will be an ongoing concern. Now that's the little one. The older one, well their needs change and the expense has been increased much more because they are now into "what's in". Then there's the food, toiletries, shelter and all the utilities bills that come along with taking care of the entire household. Hmmm....then there are extra ciricular activities. I don't have to tell you how much "hockey" has cost. But that's only hockey. Then there is swimming, baseball, T-ball. Oh! I forgot those Hotdog days or pizza days at school that require money. Then again my older one would like to go to the movies with his buddies. Gas money to get the kids everywhere! Oh! I should mention that there is also your needs in all of this! The list is endless. Half of the daycare expense is a SHAMEFUL consideration. Go for the gusto where your kids are concerned and don't settle for anything less than what your mutual interests (children) deserve! I'm sure she has her own reasons for not pursuing child support.... actually, she said she was going to, didn't she? Anyway, this just struck a personal chord because sometimes I get the same crap from people about not getting child support from xMM. I have never received 1 cent of child support from him and I am not going to pursue it any time soon. My reasons are because he is not the kind of person I want raising my daughter and we talked at the beginning of my pregnancy and he said that if I went after child support he was going to go after partial custody or visitation (that right there is lovely, itself. he just wants what he is paying for). I don't want my child to know the man who did nothing but lie to everyone in his entire life. He is a pathological liar. He very plainly used me for sex. He is someone who was an alcoholic, drug addict, etc. I just WILL NOT allow that kind of a person in my daughter's life. I love her too much to allow him to destroy her the way he has his other children. I don't care how much he convinces everyone else around him he has changed, he never will. I know him much better than he and everyone who knows him think I do. That being said, if later in life my daughter decides she WANTS him to be a part of her life and I feel that she is mentally/emotionally mature enough to make that decision, then I will let her contact him herself and he can choose to be a part of her life or not. And you can bet your A$$ I will be going after child support if THAT happens!!!!! Unless I get married before then and my husband wants to legally adopt my daughter.... then I will send papers to xMM and have him sign away his rights to her forever. We'll see.
Author FiveAlarmJockey Posted August 27, 2007 Author Posted August 27, 2007 Gosh FAJ .. do you know or have you met his wife? Why would he stay with her when he has two beautiful children with you? I'm stunned as to how many of these guys have a child with their OW and STILL have no intentions of leaving the M. Fortunately, I have NOT met her. I have spoken with her on the phone and have seen pictures, but never met her in person. Like I said before, even his own mother does not know why he stays with her. All his friends don't understand why he stays with her. It just doesn't make sense. Funny thing is when I met him he was not even living with her. They were only married for 1.5 years when I met him. And out of those 1.5 years, they were separated twice. Again, I don't know...I don't know...I don't know. That's why I am here...posting...trying to get some insight. Maybe there is something that someone else has experienced that could help me to figure this one out!
RealityCheck Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Anyway, this just struck a personal chord because sometimes I get the same crap from people about not getting child support from xMM. I have never received 1 cent of child support from him and I am not going to pursue it any time soon. My reasons are because he is not the kind of person I want raising my daughter I don't want my child to know the man who did nothing but lie to everyone in his entire life. He is a pathological liar. He very plainly used me for sex. He is someone who was an alcoholic, drug addict, etc. I just WILL NOT allow that kind of a person in my daughter's life. REALLY! Well here's my tune to your personal cord! What a fine reason to bring a child into this world KNOWING all this about the father! Think about it!
woe_is_me Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Fortunately, I have NOT met her. I have spoken with her on the phone and have seen pictures, but never met her in person. Like I said before, even his own mother does not know why he stays with her. All his friends don't understand why he stays with her. It just doesn't make sense. Funny thing is when I met him he was not even living with her. They were only married for 1.5 years when I met him. And out of those 1.5 years, they were separated twice. Again, I don't know...I don't know...I don't know. That's why I am here...posting...trying to get some insight. Maybe there is something that someone else has experienced that could help me to figure this one out! my xmms' friends and family didn't like hisW either but he loves his children and his castle and possibly his W? lol ..children seem to be the ties that bind from what i've experienced and read here .. so i'm at a bit of a loss to understand why your childrens father stays with his W. Like most of the MM mentioned in these forums i guess only HE knows the reasons as to how or why he does/did these things in life...is he quite young still? I wish you well.. i can't imagine having to look into my childs eyes and see his..you're very strong.. i'd think a little longer before cutting him off completely if i were you...it's not like he denies them or won't give them anything at all...anyways thats JMO.. take care
smoochygirl Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 REALLY! Well here's my tune to your personal cord! What a fine reason to bring a child into this world KNOWING all this about the father! Think about it! IWALH is living the life the way she want it now. At-least she's no longer an OW. At one point in our life we made mistakes, no body is perfect.
smoochygirl Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Fortunately, I have NOT met her. I have spoken with her on the phone and have seen pictures, but never met her in person. Like I said before, even his own mother does not know why he stays with her. All his friends don't understand why he stays with her. It just doesn't make sense. Funny thing is when I met him he was not even living with her. They were only married for 1.5 years when I met him. And out of those 1.5 years, they were separated twice. Again, I don't know...I don't know...I don't know. That's why I am here...posting...trying to get some insight. Maybe there is something that someone else has experienced that could help me to figure this one out! You are very much like my mom when she was still with my MM dad. All i can say is run as fast as you can, because if he can't leave his wife, he might never leave her and keep you waiting. There is no happy ending in this kind of R, at-least that's what i see in my mom's R. If you can save yourself do it now.
RealityCheck Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 IWALH is living the life the way she want it now. At-least she's no longer an OW. At one point in our life we made mistakes, no body is perfect. Wonderful! I am happy to hear it! I will not change my POV because of it! There are situations where we cannot always see a person's true colors, but having a child in an A is not one of them!
IWALH Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 Wonderful! I am happy to hear it! I will not change my POV because of it! There are situations where we cannot always see a person's true colors, but having a child in an A is not one of them! I'm sorry, but what are you trying to say? That I should have had an abortion? I didn't even think I was ABLE to have children, my daughter was (and IS) SUCH a blessing. Shame on you to put down my choice in HAVING her and RAISING her on my own. No, the circumstances weren't great. Yes, he was/is not a good person (when I got pregnant and when I was seeing him again the second time he made me truly believe he WAS, he pretty much had me brainwashed). But I am not going to deny an innocent child that God created a chance at a beautiful life because of my naivete and irresponsible behavior. I didn't plan on getting pregnant nor did I want to at the time, but it is damn sure the best thing that has EVER happened to me!! And I am doing such wonderful things for her and providing her the kind of life that not even children with BOTH parents have. She has never been in daycare (my mother watches her while I go to school FULL TIME and work part time), is still breastfeeding after age 1, is happy, has never been sick (except for a small cold), is very intelligent, such a sweetheart, has SO much family that loves her immensely. I just cannot see how you could put that down. It blows my mind.
NoIDidn't Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 I just cannot see how you could put that down. IWALH, it just is what it is. Some of us do think that its nuts to have a child with a MM. But when you have MM's child, you gotta make lemonade out of your lemons. Doesn't mean everybody thinks you made the best or worst decision. And I don't think anyone is suggesting that you or any other OW that gets pregnant by a MM SHOULD have an abortion. I think what they DO think is that they SHOULD NOT have gotten pregnant in the first place. That would have been the better decision. This is offered just as my interpretation.
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