norajane Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 When I first posted here I thought that someone would give me a magic answer on how to get over him having cheated on me, a magic answer on how to feel less like a moron for not having realized what was going on and a magic answer how to get past knowing that I am going to HAVE to see the woman he cheated on me with, at least every other weekend if not more often than that. So far I haven't gotten that "magic answer". There are no magic answers. Getting over cheating requires TWO people who are 100% devoted to making the relationship RECOVER from the cheating. Your husband isn't even remorseful. HE is not working on helping you get over this. Regardless, you are miserable in this marriage even without the whole cheating issue. Saying 'but I loooooove him' is meaningless when you are as miserable as you are on a daily basis. Love is not a magic answer that makes everything better. Even mothers of serial killers love their children, but that doesn't mean they don't think those serial killers need to be locked up.
annabelle75 Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 I wasn't rubbing anything in your face. I was pointing out my perception of your situation based on all the information you have given us. Nothing you have said has changed that perception either. Its not an attack. Its just an honest assessement. You can chose to accept it for what it is or get defensive. Its your choice. Obviously I hit a real sore spot that probably means there is soem truth to what I have said. I don't think you are really looking for advice. I think you just want people to tell you that you are right and then give you a magic solution that wipes away the past and makes him the perfect husband. It won't happen. The only way you will get over it is if you make a choice to. What benefit are you getting from holding onto you anger and resentment? This all happened before you got married and you knew about it. You made the choice to marry him anyway. Has he cheated on you since? Forgiveness is a choice. No one can make it happen for you. Your happiness is in your hands right now. Make the choice that is right for you.
norajane Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 You made the choice to marry him anyway. Has he cheated on you since? He's treated her like crap since, which is clear from her other threads.
annabelle75 Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 He's treated her like crap since, which is clear from her other threads. I can see that, but she argues with anyone that says she should leave him. She seems dead set on staying with him. If she is going to make that choice she needs to find a way to forgive him and get past the cheating. Otherwise she'll never find any happiness in her marriage.
Author nottoobright Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 I wasn't rubbing anything in your face. I was pointing out my perception of your situation based on all the information you have given us. Nothing you have said has changed that perception either. Its not an attack. Its just an honest assessement. You can chose to accept it for what it is or get defensive. Its your choice. Obviously I hit a real sore spot that probably means there is soem truth to what I have said. I don't think you are really looking for advice. I think you just want people to tell you that you are right and then give you a magic solution that wipes away the past and makes him the perfect husband. It won't happen. The only way you will get over it is if you make a choice to. What benefit are you getting from holding onto you anger and resentment? This all happened before you got married and you knew about it. You made the choice to marry him anyway. Has he cheated on you since? Forgiveness is a choice. No one can make it happen for you. Your happiness is in your hands right now. Make the choice that is right for you. Annabelle, Really if you knew me you would understand that I am not being defensive and I don't feel like you have attacked me nor am I attacking you and if I've made you feel that way I am truly sorry. I don't really want people to tell me I am right or to feel sorry for me. I was hoping that someone would tell him what he did was wrong and even after he stopped sleeping with her the "emotional" thing he carired on with her was just as bad. I hoped that if he could get a "clue" from other people maybe he would stop treating me the way he has. I don't expect perfection but I certainly expect to come before his first wife. Honestly I don't know if he has cheated on me since, if he had i doubt he would admit to it. I have some recordings that he made of conversations she had with him. She was pleading with him to tell her if it was over between them and his repose was always "I don't know susan, I can't predict the future". I know it isn't the same as having slept with her but that always felt like "cheating" too, like I was being cheated out of something and that happened many, many times after he stopped sleeping with her. It was like being slapped in the face with a sledghammer. I know I have a choice, I even know what the right thing to do is, at least for my own sanity and happiness but I NEED to make sure that I did everything I could do before I let go. I am a good wife, a good mother/stepmother and a good person and as conceited as it might sound I AM good for and to this man. As far as holding on to anger and resentment, it seems like everytime I let go a little something will happen, she will show up here or call here or he will do or say something that really brings it all back. My sons high school graduation day, I had not had any "issues" for weeks, he called her because it was her weekend and asked if we could have his kids until 2:00 that day and then he would bring them to her, she agreed, he even offered her 2 extra days for letting us have them. When the commencement exercises ended at 10:30 am and there was a lot of hugging and congratulations, photo taking etc. I had planned to take the kids out for breakfast to celebrate and no sooner did we make it onto the football field to hug my son he was on the phone with her telling her that he was on his way with the kids. Yeah, that brings back all the thoughts that he still loves her and thinks about her all the time. She has called while we were having sex and no sooner did he climb off of me he had his hand on the phone to call her back. It is really hard to "let go" when things like that happen. I am making plans right now for what to do with my life, like I said I have to make sure I am doing the right thing and not making yet another mistake. Laura
Author nottoobright Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 I wasn't rubbing anything in your face. I was pointing out my perception of your situation based on all the information you have given us. Nothing you have said has changed that perception either. Its not an attack. Its just an honest assessement. You can chose to accept it for what it is or get defensive. Its your choice. Obviously I hit a real sore spot that probably means there is soem truth to what I have said. I don't think you are really looking for advice. I think you just want people to tell you that you are right and then give you a magic solution that wipes away the past and makes him the perfect husband. It won't happen. The only way you will get over it is if you make a choice to. What benefit are you getting from holding onto you anger and resentment? This all happened before you got married and you knew about it. You made the choice to marry him anyway. Has he cheated on you since? Forgiveness is a choice. No one can make it happen for you. Your happiness is in your hands right now. Make the choice that is right for you. Annabelle, Really if you knew me you would understand that I am not being defensive and I don't feel like you have attacked me nor am I attacking you and if I've made you feel that way I am truly sorry. I don't really want people to tell me I am right or to feel sorry for me. I was hoping that someone would tell him what he did was wrong and even after he stopped sleeping with her the "emotional" thing he carired on with her was just as bad. I hoped that if he could get a "clue" from other people maybe he would stop treating me the way he has. I don't expect perfection but I certainly expect to come before his first wife. Honestly I don't know if he has cheated on me since, if he had i doubt he would admit to it. I have some recordings that he made of conversations she had with him. She was pleading with him to tell her if it was over between them and his repose was always "I don't know susan, I can't predict the future". I know it isn't the same as having slept with her but that always felt like "cheating" too, like I was being cheated out of something and that happened many, many times after he stopped sleeping with her. It was like being slapped in the face with a sledghammer. I know I have a choice, I even know what the right thing to do is, at least for my own sanity and happiness but I NEED to make sure that I did everything I could do before I let go. I am a good wife, a good mother/stepmother and a good person and as conceited as it might sound I AM good for and to this man. As far as holding on to anger and resentment, it seems like everytime I let go a little something will happen, she will show up here or call here or he will do or say something that really brings it all back. My sons high school graduation day, I had not had any "issues" for weeks, he called her because it was her weekend and asked if we could have his kids until 2:00 that day and then he would bring them to her, she agreed, he even offered her 2 extra days for letting us have them. When the commencement exercises ended at 10:30 am and there was a lot of hugging and congratulations, photo taking etc. I had planned to take the kids out for breakfast to celebrate and no sooner did we make it onto the football field to hug my son he was on the phone with her telling her that he was on his way with the kids. Yeah, that brings back all the thoughts that he still loves her and thinks about her all the time. She has called while we were having sex and no sooner did he climb off of me he had his hand on the phone to call her back. It is really hard to "let go" when things like that happen. I am making plans right now for what to do with my life, like I said I have to make sure I am doing the right thing and not making yet another mistake. Once again Annabelle, I apologize for putting you in a place where you felt like you have to defend yourself, you are right I asked for your advice as well as everyone else's. Laura
Author nottoobright Posted August 29, 2007 Author Posted August 29, 2007 I have heard a lot of you ask me why I stay with this man and some of you advise that I leave him and the sooner the better. I fight it mostly because I am already once divorced and don't really want to be twice divorced. So many things have happened that hurt my feelings, made me feel like I am "second fiddle" for this man, like he settled for someone he really didn't want to be with. Every once in a while something happens that really just makes me go WTF, WTF.... Really, WTF. Tonight was one of those times. Hubby is sitting right here next to me reading as i am typing, I am sure he's wondering , what now??? We stepped out for a few minutes to have a coffee and ran into an aquaintance that married a friend of ours 2 months after we got married. I asked him how married life was treating him and he replied "wonderful", He was having coffee with a buddy of his who asked me and my hubby how married life was treating us, I offered to let my husband answer first and his reply was "marraige is what you make of it.", I opted not to reply at all. He continued to press for an answer so I finally said "if I had it to do all over again, we would have just stayed living together", mostly meaning that things seemed to have been better before we married. The aquaintence then said "I've got a good woman, I wouldn't trade her for the world." his buddy said almost the same thing, "I got a good woman too." I waited a few seconds to see if my husband would say anything but as I expected he chose to ignore wht they had said, I finally said to my husband, "now would have been the perfect opportunity for you to say SOMETHING". He said nothing. This man who I've been there for, gotten him out of financial jams several times, gave him the money to fix his daughters teeth, paid for his sons to go to band and on a band trip, cook for him and his kids, do his laundry and his kids laundry and he couldn't find one good thing to say about me. On the way home I brought it up, told him "gee, you didn't say anything good about me and his reply was "but I didn't say anything bad either. Eventually I knew there would be a straw that broke the camels back, I think that one was it!!! I think it is time for Laura to start doing something for Laura!!!
Mr. Lucky Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Eventually I knew there would be a straw that broke the camels back, I think that one was it!!! I think it is time for Laura to start doing something for Laura!!! Laura, one lesson I've learned the hard way, both personally and professionally, is that we can't make another person change for us. Doesn't matter how bad you want it, if the other half of the equation doesn't want it also it's never going to happen. Since day one of your relationship, you've used every tool at your disposal - love, money, tears, threats, anger, guilt, children, etc. - to try and mold your husband into something that he plainly doesn't want to be. I give you credit - you've shown almost super-human endurance and effort in hanging in there through situations that have left most posters in this thread shaking their heads in disbelief. And yet, if one accepts that you've tried everything INCLUDING the kitchen sink, than one has to also realize that you've gotten your answer - simply put, the failure of your husband to love you is not you fault. You've done everything possible, the failing is his. I hope it really is time for Laura to take care of Laura... Mr. Lucky
EnigmaXOXO Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Eventually I knew there would be a straw that broke the camels back, I think that one was it!!! I think it is time for Laura to start doing something for Laura!!! Honey, it’s BEEN time and you’ve just been a little slow on the drawl, that’s all. Hey ... it happens to everyone. Sometimes it just takes a while to wrap your head around the notion that people are actually capable of doing some of the sh*tty things they do. Especially when you’ve spent such a long time trying to convince yourself that this is a really “nice” person on the surface, so the uglier things you are starting to see and hear couldn’t possibly be anything more than your paranioa and over active imagination. And stop keeping score when it comes to how many relationships you had to end because men were cruel to you. Getting you and your children out of a toxic situation isn’t a failure ... it’s a triumph. And the rewards for doing that are far greater then the further damage that could result by staying. Indeed, you have been a constant in all your failed relationships ... but that’s because you’re taste in men is for crap. The next time you are shmoozed by some handsome snake charmer, run his stats by the hard-asses here on the Shack, first. We’ll shake him down harder than your own parents! :D
LuminousZ Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Dear Laura, Your situation is incredibly painful for me to read..., I'm wiping tears from my eyes..., I offered to let my husband answer first and his reply was "marraige is what you make of it." Is that to mean this is exactly how he intended life with him to be? WTF??? "gee, you didn't say anything good about me and his reply was "but I didn't say anything bad either!!! He's a gentleman and a scholar - ( I hope you can detect the sarcasm there) Laura, Please.., for the love of god.., Please wave Bye Bye already
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