Am I Really Free ????

[amIreallyfreepitt]

OK Gang I need some support and when I get better I will help others. My story:

 

I have been married for 18 Years. one week ago my wife left me, got a house with her sister. We have had been having financial issues and when i particular hard one hit she bailed and used that as the reason. As things began to unfold, the ugly truth revealed itself. She was with a man and she told me it is over and she is " IN LOVE". the Reality of all of this is so hard to overcome and I find myself thinking of her all of the time. I know that I am better off and I know that the pain that I have endured over 18 years will finally be over. What kind of pain:

 

My wife had at "least 6 sexual affairs. My wife is selfish and very lazy. She would not help witht he financial issued (work) cook, clean and normally would sleep 14-16 hours a day. she is a cronic hypocondriac and would constantly expect me to wait on her hand and foot. she controlled me and was very possessive and jealous and monitored everything I did. Alway accusing me of having affairs ( never did ). Everytime she cheated it was always for "emotional fullfillment", because I was not providing it. NOTE: I was trying hard to earn the money to fix the financials. It was if nothing I did ever satisfied her. She has always disrepected me and I know it. I am not an angel by any means. I have some contributions here, but I have been walking on egg shells for so long I know that nothing I did drove this. I know it is her and it has always been here.

 

What I can seem to get over is how she could be so COLD and so decietful. She was playing me and lying to me. I found out that her affair was going on actively for 1.5 years and I had no clue. I did finally catch on and confronted her and made a committment to let her go. She cried and begged me to take her back and she will stop. She didnt and kept it going until she finally moved out.

 

Over this part week, I found myself begging her to come home. I bawled to her, I promised her the world and she kept telling me that she is torn by all of this. She told me last night that she is in love with this guy and is moving on.

 

My problem is I know this guy is using her for a Piece of A** and he has worked her for quite sometime ( he was affair # 5 about 9 years ago). this guy was dumped by his wife for his affairs and his porn addiction. And he has even hinted on filming my wife ( very attractive). I cant get through this and I know that she is on her way to complete destruction. She has left the house, and all 4 boys with me in the house. I have decided to do the NC and I am working on turning my sadness to hatred so I can get this out of my life.

 

Folks what do I do ?

 

Its there any self help tips (written form) that I can go to so I can work day by day. I know she is working me to keep me on the fence and she will try to come home. but i know that enough is enough and this is not possible. But I still love her with all of my heart and I do not want to see her fall into the abiss. my boys will have to watch this and it hurts. Contact will occur because of the boys and i know that every time i see her I will fall apart.

 

Please someone communicate with me and tell me how I can cope. I want to move on but the grip is so tight.

[sb129]

I know 18 years is a long time, but do you really want to continue a relationship with someone who has had such disregard for your feelings over the years?

 

My attitude to cheating is one strike, you're out- now obviously you don't have the same attitude and thats fine, but she has had OVER three strikes.

 

As much as it hurts you to watch, you cannot take responsibility for your wifes self destructive behaviour.

She has to learn (or not) from her own mistakes, and you probably won't be able to prevent her from making them.

 

Her mistakes are not your concern anymore- I guess they are to a point as you have children together, but keep the contact to a minimum, be as supportive as you can to towards your kids (without slagging their mum off), and DO NOT take her back.

 

You may love her, but she has p**sed all over you, enough is enough, you deserve better.

 

Look after yourself. It gets better- it may not feel like it now, but stay strong, and it will get easier with time.

[amIreallyfreepitt]

I guess my struggle over all of this is how she can dismiss me so suddenly and with so much coldness. my self esteem is not busted down" that I could never let go so I took her back, only to be nailed again. Am I that shallow. I know the NC is imposible becuase of the kids and I am sure when she "gets it" and see's that I have moved on SHE WILL PURSUE ME. How does one deal with this...It may take a week of NC no calls, to text NO Nothing and her wheels will spin. She has always said I was her rock and wehnt eh novilty wears off SHE WILL COME BACK. problem is for her. I dont want her back ever. How do I break the grip....

[sb129]

You need to be strong, and TELL her in no uncertain terms that the marriage is over. That your role as "the rock" has ceased.

That you will continue to be civil to her for the sake of the children, but that you want a divorce.

 

Go and see your solicitor, and start divorce proceedings if you really are serious.

 

You need to just stay strong and be firm with your wife when tries to come crawling back. She'll get the message eventually.

 

 

You can break the grip... its very very very hard but you can. every time you feel yourself wavering, remember all those times she cheated on you, remember how she has taken the p;*ss out of your feelings, remember that you deserve to find someone who loves and RESPECTS you.

[Diplok]

My attitude to cheating is one strike, you're out- now obviously you don't have the same attitude and thats fine, but she has had OVER three strikes.

 

Amen!!!

 

You love her, I don't doubt that. But, you don't love yourself. That is why you keep giving her chance after chance even when she thinks you are worthless. Trust me, that's what she thinks of you. If not, she wouldn't cheat on you. We all make mistakes, of course we all do. And, it is important to forgive the person for their transgression. Forgiving her doesn't mean that you have to taker her back. It means in your heart you promise to have no resentment towards her but at the same time you also realise that this person has some deep rooted moral issues. I have been cheated on by someone I was engaged with. It took me 3 long years to get over her. I forgave her but I didn't take her back no matter how much she pleaded.

 

After 5 years of no contact with her one day she called me and thanked me for teaching her a very valuable lesson. I'm not saying you should do the same I did. All I am saying is if I was in your situation I would Wait for her to call me and I would let her know that she can only call to talk to her kids and that's it. If she tries to talk about the relationship sternly put a stop to it. She must know that you have boundaries that she has crossed and there are harsh penalties for it.

 

Move on!!!

 

I have emotional issues of my own. I am here because My heart is in pieces right now. I had a relationship with someone for 8 months. 3 Weeks ago she decided to walk out on me. I was devastated and I tried to speak to her in person as she broke up with me over the phone. She refused. I sent her flowers the next morning, i called her and tried to talk to her till a few days after the breakup. Once i realized this person walked out on me, disrespected me to no end by breakingup with me over the phone, and was clearly ignoring me, I decided to move on. It has been a hard 3 weeks. I think about her everyday. She is my first thought when i wake up and the last thing I think of before going to bed. But, why love someone who doesn't love me.

 

Move on, If I can do it, so can you.

 

Not sure if this applies to you. But it seems to me you could definitely use some help. I am reading this book and along with this board, it has helped me tremendously. http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/105-3020626-2058063?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1188143651&sr=8-1

[livebuzzwords]

there is only so much hurt and pain people should allow into their life - i tackled this stuff for over a year and now its time to work [teamwork] on the poistives out there. for example - i suggested to the ex a way to improve communication between us would be if i created a blog and just had her and i as users and we could each post entries intended for the other when we needed to - might help

 

and during breakups people do act their best and mistakes happen - just ride out the rain storm

[sb129]

Mistakes do happen... but they shouldn't be allowed to happen over and over again.

[amIreallyfreepitt]

I guess the issues I am dealing with is how I could have been so gullible and time after time ignored the obvious signs that this marriage was destoned to fail. I can see the first one. But 6 I just cant seem to comprehend. I find myself in the ager stages as time wears on the the sudden desire for the details. Why does one do this. How much pain is enough. As you explore the darker this woman becomes and the thought that I did not see it, or her ability to mask it is simply amazing. Her effortless lying and cheating while she opening engaged in this affair, but at the same time her repeated and romantic "I love you" burns in my heart. I need someone to explain how any person can be this evil and cruel. I am left in the dark, alone, broken down, angry. When will this pass, when will my mind permit me to move on and see her for what she is.....

[budd98]

amIreallyfreepitt,

I have an update to my situation you commented about the other day that you said were are dating the same women.

 

She just sent me an e-mail this morning at like 3 AM. It was really long. She basically described all the things that I did wrong in the relationship and that I was'nt the person she thought I was. The things that she said I did wrong were so inaccurate. I mean I never did those things, but she would always bring stuff like that up throughout the relationship. Then at the end she told me that I am not that great of a guy and that I just put on a really good show to everyone. Her closure paragraph was telling me that she wished I would have loved her for her and that I stayed the person she fell in love with. She also wished things would of turned out differently. She said I would always ask for another chance, but blew it everytime. I assure you that I did SO many great things and kept them going, so I don't know why she would say that. She also said she swears she never cheated on me, but remember I caught her that night with a guy in her bed watching a movie. They were'nt doing anything but come on.

So here is my concerns. What should I do now? I want to respond so bad to the e-mail. I still am in love with this girl. What do you think she will do if I respond? And if I don't respond? I would really like your advice since you have been there before. Thanks.

[mental_traveller]

Folks what do I do ?

 

Fly to Amsterdam, get drunk, smoke pot, have a threesome with 2 hotties half your age. When you get back, find a decent divorce lawyer and kick ass.

[wreckedhorse]

wow. that really blows. four boys in the house with you too during this time? she sounds like poison. i know what you are going through and will go through is tremendously difficult beyond my scope of experience. i will tell you what my intuition knows.

 

she's going to lead a destructive life, let her. she will reign more destruction than she already has for you and your children if she comes back the way she is now.

 

know that you cannot just move on. it's a process. she's someone in your life no matter how much you did your part, she said to you that you're not good enough. she did squat, disrespected everyone around her, yet her abandonment is a big you're not good enough. that's not love by any means.

 

the best thing to do right now is to find distractions while dealing with the pain. find a hobby, an activity, something just for you that fits into the weekly schedule, that isn't going to be a replacement or an addiction, but some space/time on the side where you won't be subsumed by this.

 

now that she's out, that doesn't mean you have to think/act as if she's still there. you don't have to worry about her (not that you won't and not to say you shouldn't) but now it is time to focus on other things, especially yourself and your kids. it is not going to help anyone, especially you, and when you're affected, everything around you will manifest what's going on or not going on-- if you're going to dwell on who she is with, what she is thinking, etc. it doesn't matter that he/she/them are the scum of the earth, it will not make you feel better. it will only rot you from the inside out.

 

it might also be helpful to seek counseling (there's no shame in this whatsoever, something to be proud of is to know one's limitations), so that everyone has a space to talk about their feelings. something set aside, someone there who is not you who will help everyone bear the burdens of this situation. you're going to be going through a rough time, probably one of the worst if not the worst of your life. it's hard for anyone, especially when other people rely on them, too.

 

as a general rule, think of not the absence but the potential. our lives are a garden- we need to tend the weeds but we also need to plant. think of not ways to get her back but as time progresses start to think of who your companion should be. not a perfect goddess but someone who is a partner, willing to share the responsibilities of building a life together, someone who is willing to accept the responsibilities of that. you deserve that. she is not that. and when you realize that, get that lawyer and set those boundaries.

 

focus on health. do not expect a cure, do not expect a miracle feeling fixer. this is a journey/opportunity for you and your loved ones. for a better life, not a prison with a soul sucker.

 

hugs~!

[wreckedhorse]

i know i wasn't asked to respond, but i wanted to say something.

everyone deserves an honest relationship built on trust. even if we're not so very good at that ourselves, everyone deserves that. everyone needs that. our partners need it, we need it, a healthy relationship is trust.

 

i am not one that says that if cheating occurs in a relationship, that it's written in stone over, finish, move on, etc. cheating is merely evidence of something else that is going on. or something that is not going on. it needs to be explored, sometimes separately, but often together if the two people are to really come to terms with it. but at the same time, ending a relationship because of cheating is ok, too. if there is cheating, there are probably other things. and if the other things are x y z and a b c and those things are all ****, **** it. everyone has their limits. or need to start establishing some.

 

but i also want to point out emotional cheating is just as telling. my friend thought that her actions with an ex-boyfriend were acceptable, at least not contemptible because she didn't -do- anything -physical-. but she was leaning on him for support in times of stress because the stresses were stemming from her actual boyfriend. this is not ok. openness and communication. we owe this to our partners, they owe it to us. otherwise, we're in for a toxic mess.

 

so my advice is to know your limits. if you are going to write an email, and an honest one, delve into the "come on" that follows her actions. yeah, no physical cheating, but wtf are you doing in a bed with another guy? it's not okay for us, when we're in clearly monogamous relationships to seek physical affirmation with other people, right? what makes people think that it's ok to emotionally-- emotionally beyond what we expect from let's say old friends or family members (although, those can get quite messy/inappropriate, too~!).

 

with that said, having closely read your post. there seems to be a big problem of perspectives... if what she is saying is a 180 degree contradiction of your own experiences, then something is totally wrong. if she's bsing and avoiding major issues about herself and your relationship, she needs to be called out on it. is it a matter of her thinking you were such a person (were you that person?) and she realized that it wasn't you... so now she's backing out? she asks that you love her for her but doesn't sound like she loves you for you. in what ways did you not love her for her? were her expectations reasonable? and sounds like she gave you these chances because she thought that you needed to change x y and z, but i am sure she needed to change herself, too. did she? was she expected to? no one person should bear the responsibility for the relationship's success. by the way, i'm not personally asking for answers to any of these questions, but i think they need to be asked.

 

apologies if my post was unwarranted, but i wish you the best.

 

 

amIreallyfreepitt,

I have an update to my situation you commented about the other day that you said were are dating the same women.

 

She just sent me an e-mail this morning at like 3 AM. It was really long. She basically described all the things that I did wrong in the relationship and that I was'nt the person she thought I was. The things that she said I did wrong were so inaccurate. I mean I never did those things, but she would always bring stuff like that up throughout the relationship. Then at the end she told me that I am not that great of a guy and that I just put on a really good show to everyone. Her closure paragraph was telling me that she wished I would have loved her for her and that I stayed the person she fell in love with. She also wished things would of turned out differently. She said I would always ask for another chance, but blew it everytime. I assure you that I did SO many great things and kept them going, so I don't know why she would say that. She also said she swears she never cheated on me, but remember I caught her that night with a guy in her bed watching a movie. They were'nt doing anything but come on.

So here is my concerns. What should I do now? I want to respond so bad to the e-mail. I still am in love with this girl. What do you think she will do if I respond? And if I don't respond? I would really like your advice since you have been there before. Thanks.

[wreckedhorse]

remember that freedom is not the absence, but the presence of things and people we need that motivate/inspire us to really live, not plainly exist.