Trying Not To Feel Vulnerable

[uniqueone]

Just because its rare doesn't mean you have to go back to what you had. Sometimes relationships spoil like milk, and spoiled milk never gets better.

 

You already drew a conclusion on the guy from work. Hinting around is his way of easing into it and not appear to desperate or needy. I dont think what he is doing is bad. I would do that to.

Are you interested? Thats the question you have to answer. If so, talk to him about it. If not, make it clear you are not.

 

I still think you are hung up on 'him'. Is there a chance again with 'him'?

 

 

No, not interested in the guy at work. Don't want to piss him off though because sometimes when guys find out you don't like them that way, they save their ego by cutting down the woman. BTDT. This is what I don't want to happen.

 

Yes, I'm still hung up on "him". Is there a chance for a relationship with him? There probably never was because of who he is.

 

However, I DO miss talking to him and would like to have him as a long distance friend again. He doesn't talk to me though. Apparently something that I did or said hurt him too much but he won't tell me.

[livebuzzwords]

Trying Not To Feel Vulnerable

 

no u are safe to show your vulnerablities just as i feel ok because it is not weakness, will not be used as a judgement and actually brings you closer together - its about being confident

[Kamille]

What about book clubs? Are there any at your local library? I'm thinking of joining one in my city - not so much to meet guys but more cause I love that type of conversation. I also think in a way that meeting the right person is a matter of fullfilling our on needs through other means. IE, you crave a particular kind of intellectual stimulation. If you find an outlet, a bookclub, public talks, etc, there you will also find potential candidates or a network of people who can introduce you to him.

 

 

No, not interested in the guy at work. Don't want to piss him off though because sometimes when guys find out you don't like them that way, they save their ego by cutting down the woman. BTDT. This is what I don't want to happen.

 

Let me start this out by stating that of course it is all right to not be interested in someone. And since this is someone you work with I fully understand that you refuse to go out with him. I've learned from experience it's always best to avoid mixing one's personal life with one's work life.

 

So the next few comments are not about this guy.

 

If you weren't working with him however I'd ask you: how do you know you're not interested in him if you haven't even given him the chance?

 

I just wonder if you aren't letting the notion of interest get in the way of you meeting a good match (an no I don't think the therapist is a good match).

 

I read in a help book that dismissing men because we don't feel immediate interest is a mistake a lot of woman make... a mistake which leads us to date and fall for the same kind of men over and over again. So the advice was, give guys you might not be interested in a chance. See if a sparks develops.

 

I've been doing it more. The crazy thing is it kind of works because it automatically puts the woman in the classical dating scenario of the man having to woo her. I've dated three guys for whom I didn't feel the initial spark and it's taught me a lot about dating: I now feel much more confident expressing myself, I now know how to pace myself a lot more and while guy number 1 and guy number 2 never made it past the second date, guy number three is proving to be... well... more and more intriguing.

 

What makes him so intriguing is that on the last date (date number 2) and phone calls since, he's proven to be quite the match conversationnally.

 

But even if it doesn't work out with him, I kind of see it all as a learning process and as making me ready for the next guy I meet who blows my mind.

 

I say all this yet I think that you're just not over your ex... You're the one who posted about people needing a break in between relationships and I wonder why you don't feel that you perhaps just need one right now. It is obviously sapping your energy, energy you should be spending doing things that cheer you up, or joining book clubs (), or taking night-classes, or going to the gym, or gardening, or whatever it is that cheers you up. You say you need to take you mind off your ex. Maybe the best way to do this is to take it off by doing something completely different.

 

Unique... I really feel for you. Please accept this big hug from me (((uniqueone)))

[uniqueone]

What about book clubs? Are there any at your local library? I'm thinking of joining one in my city - not so much to meet guys but more cause I love that type of conversation. I also think in a way that meeting the right person is a matter of fullfilling our on needs through other means. IE, you crave a particular kind of intellectual stimulation. If you find an outlet, a bookclub, public talks, etc, there you will also find potential candidates or a network of people who can introduce you to him.

 

 

 

 

Let me start this out by stating that of course it is all right to not be interested in someone. And since this is someone you work with I fully understand that you refuse to go out with him. I've learned from experience it's always best to avoid mixing one's personal life with one's work life.

 

So the next few comments are not about this guy.

 

If you weren't working with him however I'd ask you: how do you know you're not interested in him if you haven't even given him the chance?

 

I just wonder if you aren't letting the notion of interest get in the way of you meeting a good match (an no I don't think the therapist is a good match).

 

I read in a help book that dismissing men because we don't feel immediate interest is a mistake a lot of woman make... a mistake which leads us to date and fall for the same kind of men over and over again. So the advice was, give guys you might not be interested in a chance. See if a sparks develops.

 

I've been doing it more. The crazy thing is it kind of works because it automatically puts the woman in the classical dating scenario of the man having to woo her. I've dated three guys for whom I didn't feel the initial spark and it's taught me a lot about dating: I now feel much more confident expressing myself, I now know how to pace myself a lot more and while guy number 1 and guy number 2 never made it past the second date, guy number three is proving to be... well... more and more intriguing.

 

What makes him so intriguing is that on the last date (date number 2) and phone calls since, he's proven to be quite the match conversationnally.

 

But even if it doesn't work out with him, I kind of see it all as a learning process and as making me ready for the next guy I meet who blows my mind.

 

I say all this yet I think that you're just not over your ex... You're the one who posted about people needing a break in between relationships and I wonder why you don't feel that you perhaps just need one right now. It is obviously sapping your energy, energy you should be spending doing things that cheer you up, or joining book clubs (), or taking night-classes, or going to the gym, or gardening, or whatever it is that cheers you up. You say you need to take you mind off your ex. Maybe the best way to do this is to take it off by doing something completely different.

 

Unique... I really feel for you. Please accept this big hug from me (((uniqueone)))

 

 

Thanks Kamille...you've been a big help.

 

Yes, I post about people taking time off but just to clarify my situation:

 

1. Its been over for over 2 months.

2. It wasn't a real relationship.

3. I do all of those things you mention regardless of whether or not I'm trying to date anyone. I don't wait for relationships to end to suddenly stop and smell the roses. I learned long ago not to do that.

 

 

It's not like I'm ready to dive into a relationship. I want to meet people I like talking to or hanging around with. This is very difficult for me to find.

 

Call it strange but unless I really click with people, I'd often rather be alone. And...I'm very often alone. It takes me finding great interest in a person to get me wanting to hang around them.

 

It's been a long time since I've had a serious relationship. I definately don't go from one to the next. I've dated people and gotten quite attached so it might sound like they're serious relationships.

 

I don't caution people here about going out and meeting people. What I caution them on is jumping into relationship mode so often and so soon.

 

There have been people that I wanted a real relationship with but it didn't work out that way, even though I continued to date them. But even with them, it wasn't me suddenly wanting a relationship.

 

I would like someone that I can relate to intellectually as well as someone I can do things with and maybe travel with. That's why I'm looking for someone. It doesn't mean I'm looking for "the one". I don't believe in all of that anymore anyway.

[uniqueone]

Oh yeah....as for the guy at work.....nice guy but we don't click. He has a Mr. Happy Sunshine personality and I just don't do that, you know?

 

And while he is a nice looking guy, he's too much older than me and he's too tall for my taste.

[underpants]

I had a kind of a parallel quandary not too long ago when I asked if attraction level was proportionally based on length of time being single.

 

Actually 2 months out of a romantic situation is not all that long.

 

I can understand the attention as a distraction from being lonely but, it is not fulfilling if you don't feel a connection forming. Also, if you think you might be leading a guy on then that is not so cool.

 

I am not sure if I recall you story of your x. If it made you sad that that relationship ended. I guess if it were me I wouldn't go backwards.

[uniqueone]

I had a kind of a parallel quandary not too long ago when I asked if attraction level was proportionally based on length of time being single.

 

Actually 2 months out of a romantic situation is not all that long.

 

I can understand the attention as a distraction from being lonely but, it is not fulfilling if you don't feel a connection forming. Also, if you think you might be leading a guy on then that is not so cool.

 

I am not sure if I recall you story of your x. If it made you sad that that relationship ended. I guess if it were me I wouldn't go backwards.

 

I'm not leading any guys on. Having casual phone conversations or emails with several guys is not leading them on.

 

If I HADN'T called them back, someone would be telling me that I wasn't giving them a chance. And I'd probably also be hearing how it was rude of me not to call them back. So which is it? If I talk to them, I'm leading them on. If I don't talk to them, I'm not giving them a chance.

 

It's been more than two months since being out of a relationship because it wasn't really a legitimate relationship.

[underpants]

I'm not leading any guys on. Having casual phone conversations or emails with several guys is not leading them on.

 

If I HADN'T called them back, someone would be telling me that I wasn't giving them a chance. And I'd probably also be hearing how it was rude of me not to call them back. So which is it? If I talk to them, I'm leading them on. If I don't talk to them, I'm not giving them a chance.

 

It's been more than two months since being out of a relationship because it wasn't really a legitimate relationship.

 

Obviously, I suck at relationships so I don't know....(laughing).

 

You are right, there is nothing wrong with dating lite. Fishing and exploring several options that present themselves to you. Done in a respectful manner this I think can be a heathy way to get to a next relationship. It sounds as though you have put yourself out there and I personally applaud that and wish I had the guts to do that. I am sure that with that comes responses from alot of people who are not a match and you may just be wading through alot more. Just be dicerning.

 

If your last encounter was not a legitimate relationship then my gut says it would be a safer bet to focus on moving forward.

[uniqueone]

Obviously, I suck at relationships so I don't know....(laughing).

 

You are right, there is nothing wrong with dating lite. Fishing and exploring several options that present themselves to you. Done in a respectful manner this I think can be a heathy way to get to a next relationship. It sounds as though you have put yourself out there and I personally applaud that and wish I had the guts to do that. I am sure that with that comes responses from alot of people who are not a match and you may just be wading through alot more. Just be dicerning.

 

If your last encounter was not a legitimate relationship then my gut says it would be a safer bet to focus on moving forward.

 

 

As far as the last one, it's the friendship I miss and want back. I couldn't tell you if we really had more than that anyway. I mean there was attraction and we did end up getting physical but it was mainly friendship. I want that back. It's really depressing me.

 

As for the others....now I'm back to not getting any responses on the personals again.....

[Cobra_X30]

As for the others....now I'm back to not getting any responses on the personals again.....

 

Johan was correct... you have walls.

[uniqueone]

Johan was correct... you have walls.

 

And still no one will bother to explain when they say this.......

[Cobra_X30]

And still no one will bother to explain when they say this.......

 

Thats because you already have the explanation. Just think about it. Consider how you view others... and how you view yourself.

 

I have a very dear friend that is so similar, so I know that I can't tell you... its something that requires introspective reflection.

[uniqueone]

Thats because you already have the explanation. Just think about it. Consider how you view others... and how you view yourself.

 

I have a very dear friend that is so similar, so I know that I can't tell you... its something that requires introspective reflection.

 

 

You're not making any sense. First of all, you're saying that I'm not getting responses to my ad lately because I have walls up. That doesn't make sense. How would they know I had walls up by my ad? And if that was the case, why would people have responded to the SAME ad before?

 

So...first I'd like your answer to that.

 

 

As for how I view others.....I don't think you know how I view others. First of all, I don't view everyone the same. So, there's no category of "others". I take each person as they come.

 

As for how I view myself.....that depends on how I feel at the moment. Lately I feel like crap. People don't know this though....except for a few close to me. To the people that I meet, I'm quite confident and bubbly. They've told me this. (I laugh to myself when I hear it).

[directx]

I wish I could see the text on this ad to help you figure out why you are not getting responses.

 

I would think just the fact you are female you would get a few responses.

[Cobra_X30]

You're not making any sense. First of all, you're saying that I'm not getting responses to my ad lately because I have walls up. That doesn't make sense. How would they know I had walls up by my ad? And if that was the case, why would people have responded to the SAME ad before?

 

So...first I'd like your answer to that.

 

As for how I view others.....I don't think you know how I view others. First of all, I don't view everyone the same. So, there's no category of "others". I take each person as they come.

 

As for how I view myself.....that depends on how I feel at the moment. Lately I feel like crap. People don't know this though....except for a few close to me. To the people that I meet, I'm quite confident and bubbly. They've told me this. (I laugh to myself when I hear it).

 

Oh, Im not referenceing your ad. Sorry I was unclear about that. My comment is in regards to your ability to succeed/fail with interpersonal relationships.

 

See, If I just come out and tell you what I think your just going to get defensive and fight with me. How does that help you?? And Yes I have read enough to get an idea of how you view the world. Besides I'm not the only one to pick up on this, so I'm pointing you in a direction... the conclusion is yours to draw.

[uniqueone]

I wish I could see the text on this ad to help you figure out why you are not getting responses.

 

I would think just the fact you are female you would get a few responses.

 

I tons of responses before....same ad as now.

 

Then it was off for awhile.

 

Then I put it back on a few weeks ago..and got practically none. Then got a few a week ago....now none again.

[uniqueone]

Oh, Im not referenceing your ad. Sorry I was unclear about that. My comment is in regards to your ability to succeed/fail with interpersonal relationships.

 

See, If I just come out and tell you what I think your just going to get defensive and fight with me. How does that help you?? And Yes I have read enough to get an idea of how you view the world. Besides I'm not the only one to pick up on this, so I'm pointing you in a direction... the conclusion is yours to draw.

 

 

LOL....I'm not going to get defensive and fight with you. I may disagree with you though. I'm a little more mature than that. However, if you prefer to remain cryptic, that's your choice. I'm not much for games....I prefer directness.

 

And I don't think you know how I view the world or what my experiences have been in my life. You can only surmise. One should never base their perception of facts upon assumptions.

[directx]

I tons of responses before....same ad as now.

 

Then it was off for awhile.

 

Then I put it back on a few weeks ago..and got practically none. Then got a few a week ago....now none again.

 

I don't know those sites, but is there a setting you hit that puts on the bottom of the search or something?

Do you include a pic as well? I hear ones with pics get more responses

[Cobra_X30]

LOL....I'm not going to get defensive and fight with you. I may disagree with you though. I'm a little more mature than that. However, if you prefer to remain cryptic, that's your choice. I'm not much for games....I prefer directness.

 

And I don't think you know how I view the world or what my experiences have been in my life. You can only surmise. One should never base their perception of facts upon assumptions.

 

LOL... I think you grossly underestimate me!

 

I admit I've been wrong before (once a long time ago)... but I'm more often right. I read people for a living!

 

Anyways, most of the time I am very direct, but there are times when thats not the best approach.

 

You are super smart... If you think about it... you'll know what Im driving at!

[uniqueone]

I don't know those sites, but is there a setting you hit that puts on the bottom of the search or something?

Do you include a pic as well? I hear ones with pics get more responses

 

 

Yeah, I have several pics and I'm decent looking and in good shape. I'm not sure if I should join a different site or what. Other sites aren't as popular though.

 

Since I've gotten tons of messages awhile back, maybe enough of them already tried contacting me and if I wasn't interested, that rules them out and so maybe it ruled out most of them. And then there were ones that were never interested to begin with so they're not going to contact me.

 

What is needed is some new ones I guess.

[uniqueone]

LOL... I think you grossly underestimate me!

 

I admit I've been wrong before (once a long time ago)... but I'm more often right. I read people for a living!

 

Anyways, most of the time I am very direct, but there are times when thats not the best approach.

 

You are super smart... If you think about it... you'll know what Im driving at!

 

 

I DO know what you're driving at.....obviously some negative connotation. However, I can't specifically say which one. I'm not a mind-reader unfortunately. And I won't make any statements based on any assumptions of mine because that would be pointless.

 

If you're hoping that I pick out negatives in myself, then I'm sure I can comply as I have some just as anyone does. Do I have walls up that keep me from meeting people though? No, because I meet people and they seem to think I'm quite confident and together. As a matter of fact, I have a knack for people approaching me. It's become a bit of a joke actually because I'm like a magnet and it's funny because I'm not someone who is out looking to talk to people....in fact, I usually look like I want to be left alone. That's what makes it so amusing.

 

Now....do I HAVE walls? Yes.....I think most of us do. I actually have very good reasons for mine and if you knew what I've dealt with in my life, you'd know why. I don't think mine are serious though. I've known people with far, far, greater walls than me. I can easily open up to people and I show no pretense.

 

I'd write more about this but can't right now........later......