4givrnt4gtr Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 So my guy and I have been dating for two and a half months now. We're not exclusive, but we spend a lot of time together, and he tells me he isnt seeing anyone else, he doesnt have the energy nor the time for it. However, we still say that we dont want to rush into anything so we're not making it officially exclusive yet. He encourages me to go out and have fun, but sometimes jokes about me "cheating" on him (laughing ofcourse) Well, last nite i went out with a girl friend. We went to a bar and got hit on by a a couple of guys. I didnt really care to pay much attention to them since, although technically i should be dating other people, i really dont want to. Anyway, the guys flirted with us and bought us drinks and one asked me for my number. I gave it to him cuz well, what the hell, why not. Then today i was talking to my main guy, telling him how last nite went (he knew i was going out) and told him the story of the guy who hit on us (funny story cuz they ended up arguing about who should be getting my number) He laughed and asked if they got lucky.....I was a bit taken aback by the question. I said no and he was like "aww! how come? you guys were misleading them then! if they were buying you guys drink they expected something!, you didnt even gave them your number?" I told him i did, and he said ok. Now, im wondering if he was either encouraging me to be going out with other guys, or if he was just trying to figure out what happened without sounding jealous.... I honestly wouldnt want to know if he is dating other chicks...much less encourage it. What do you guys think?
Lizzie60 Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 Now, im wondering if he was either encouraging me to be going out with other guys, or if he was just trying to figure out what happened without sounding jealous.... I honestly wouldnt want to know if he is dating other chicks...much less encourage it. What do you guys think? I think you talk too much... you didn't need to even tell him anything about that evening. He wanted to know but maybe this will change his behaviour towards you now. Don't be surprise if he doesn't call you anymore or if he acts strange... I know that he knows you're not exclusive blablabla... but just like you, what if he told you he flirted with another girl in a bar? Jealousy is a very dangerous game.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted August 26, 2007 Author Posted August 26, 2007 hm i dont think he will...he didnt sound mad at all, although it would make a very interesting turn of events....specially because the way i said it was more like a "oh man guys are so funny" rather than a "ohh yeah i got hit on and im bragging about it".... I guess im wondering if he cares that i may be seeing other guys....i rather him get mad than not care.....
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted August 26, 2007 Author Posted August 26, 2007 ...with more thought on it...yeah im more concern that he might not care that i may see other guys, than that he gets mad that i do..... In a way i can see why he couldnt really come out and be all "why are u talking to guys"...but im concerned with his seemingly encouraging "how come u didnt kiss them" comment....ofcourse i cant be mad at that...but would u guys do this is u care for the girl ur seeing??? please please please any comments, suggestions, etc would be lovely.
Trialbyfire Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 I'm approaching this from the relationship-style dating perspective, instead of the fling or "let's just have some fun" dating. What's causing your insecurity is the lack of a secure foundation in your relationship. If you want to be exclusive, tell him so. If he doesn't want to be exclusive, you have a very important issue that you can't agree on. What are you willing to put up with to keep him around? Myself personally, if a guy doesn't want exclusivity, I won't sleep with him and more importantly, I'm gone. If he wants to leave the door open for other options, he's more than welcome to walk out that door.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted August 26, 2007 Author Posted August 26, 2007 If he wants to leave the door open for other options, he's more than welcome to walk out that door. Thats the odd thing about it...he says he doesnt have the time or energy for "other options" yet he doesnt want to put a label in the relationship so soon. I agree with him that 2 months is too soon to label a relationship"serious". We say we are in a relationship, just not a "serious" relationship (by serious he means leading to marriage, he's has a very strong ethnic background and marriage is very very important...also, divorce is not an option for him, so he wants to take his time) However, im just not comfortable thinking he's ok with me seeing other men...kinda makes me feel like he doesnt care for me all that much.... this is something i need to address...i just dont know how to do it w/o sounding pushy, and most importantly, w/o him thinking i told him about the bar thing to make him jealous.
Trialbyfire Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 Thats the odd thing about it...he says he doesnt have the time or energy for "other options" yet he doesnt want to put a label in the relationship so soon. I agree with him that 2 months is too soon to label a relationship"serious". We say we are in a relationship, just not a "serious" relationship (by serious he means leading to marriage, he's has a very strong ethnic background and marriage is very very important...also, divorce is not an option for him, so he wants to take his time) However, im just not comfortable thinking he's ok with me seeing other men...kinda makes me feel like he doesnt care for me all that much.... this is something i need to address...i just dont know how to do it w/o sounding pushy, and most importantly, w/o him thinking i told him about the bar thing to make him jealous. Exclusive doesn't have to mean life partner. It means that both of you aren't seeing or sleeping with anyone else. Ethnic cultural differences won't affect a small commitment of this nature.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted August 26, 2007 Author Posted August 26, 2007 Exclusive doesn't have to mean life partner. It means that both of you aren't seeing or sleeping with anyone else. Ethnic cultural differences won't affect a small commitment of this nature. But two months? is that not too soon to ask for it?
Trialbyfire Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 But two months? is that not too soon to ask for it? That's up to you. Are you ready for it?
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted August 26, 2007 Author Posted August 26, 2007 Well i know im not going to be dating other guys....proved it going out to the bars and REALLY not feeling it.... So im guessing i am....and im also guessing its time for me to own up to what i want and ask for it.... This should be a first...specially if he says no....then its time for me to let him go....as sucky as that would be because we're having such a great time together.....
Trialbyfire Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 Don't guess. Be certain you want this to happen. I've realized with myself that if I'm feeling territorial, it's time to have the discussion. It means that I value the person enough that I want something more from them.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted August 26, 2007 Author Posted August 26, 2007 See the thing is that ive never EVER done the dating more than one person thing. Its just not in me, so exclusivity, at least when it comes to me, its a given Now, when it comes to him, i rather him be with me for the right reasons, after finding out its me he wants and noone else. IF that means him going out with other girls (NOT SLEEPING...that is very clear...if he sleeps with someone else, im out the door...and believe me, i will know it) then im ok with it. Ofcourse there is a limit to that...if after 5 months he still "not sure" its me who he wants exclusively, im out. This is why i havent pushed the exclusivity thing....but im not liking the possibility that he is ok with me seeing other guys...
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted August 26, 2007 Author Posted August 26, 2007 This is why i havent pushed the exclusivity thing....but im not liking the possibility that he is ok with me seeing other guys... wow that totally just didnt make sense...if im ok with him seeing other girls...why wouldnt he be ok with me seeing other guys....wow...totally answered my own question
Trialbyfire Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 So...what's happening here is that you are already acting like it's an exclusive relationship and he hasn't given you any indication he feels the same way. Why are you waiting to talk to him? You'll only build resentment inside yourself if you don't clarify it with him.
Trialbyfire Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 wow that totally just didnt make sense...if im ok with him seeing other girls...why wouldnt he be ok with me seeing other guys....wow...totally answered my own question Haha...you've got it. Ask if you're ready.
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