Husband had affair with my best friend... and more...

[sandygirl01]

Okay, I used to work with this woman who was 5 years younger than me. She was married and got pregnant about a month before I did, so she and her husband became mine and my husbands best friends, we did everything together, our babies played together, etc. She was my best friend and we confided in each other etc.

 

About 3 weeks ago I came home and he sat me down and confessed to an affair that had only gone to kissing. To say that I was devastated is putting it mildly. We arranged for marital counseling.. he broke off all contact with thier family.

 

Well FF to last Thursday and I'm in for the most horrifying day of my life. I find out that it was a full on sexual affair for the last maybe 2 months and they did it about 10 times. They did it out in the living room while I was asleep with my baby in the bedroom, they did it out in our living room while her husband was cooking grilled cheese sandwhiches in our kitchen.

 

I was sick to hear this and still am. But he wanted to confess everything, so it all came out.... he had also had an affair with this girl who came over to hang out with us while I was pregnant, but I was sick a lot during our pregnancy and had to spend time in bed... and apparently so did he with her twice. There was also a co-worker who know works at a different job and he slept with her 4 times.

 

What hurts the most is the affair with my best friend. How she looked me in the eyes repeatedly and pretended like she was on my side. At least once she told me she didn't know how I was with him... which looking back was her way of trying to get us apart I guess.

 

The night this all started we were in a neighboring city at a friends house. She was sober and wanted to go out and party and BEGGED and PLEADED with my husband to go with her, so he could designate drive and since he had lived there for so long, show them where to go (she was meeting up with a friend and friend's boyfriend). In hindsight I now know that this was premeditated as she had started crushing on my husband weeks earlier. Well what hurts the most is that I begged and cried for my husband to stay with me that night, but he left me. I cried for two hours in my friend's bathroom until I went to sleep. About 3 a.m. DH showers and climbs into bed, hugs me and tells me he loved me and went to sleep.

 

That was the first night they had sex.

 

I'm in no way excusing him from blame. Every day is like a rollercoater of emotions... I'm sick, angry, depressed, furious and so low sometimes I cannot even begin to see any light.

 

I have a 5 month old to think of and I still love him, so I gave him another chance... but 3 sexual affairs in 10 months is hard to accept and live with. I cry every other day it seems and went on Wellbutrin b/c my SIL's were worried that I wouldn't be able to make it through this without it (I had mild post partum depression before).

 

How do you get the images out of your head? How do you deal with the all-consuming rage sometimes? Sometimes it takes all of my will not to go to Staples and photocopy her face and what she had done on a paper and staple them up all over town. Worst of all, how do you get over the feeling that your are an idiot and stupid? I never in a moment thought that my best friend would prey on him or my family like this... though I guess this explains why she wanted to buy his favorite perfume (I thought this was odd) or when he would come home and she was here she would jump up to get him something (I thought she was helpful).

 

Where do you go from here? No one in my real life has even remotely been through anything like this so the only advice they have given is that they don't know how I am doing this and that they would have given me thier blessing had I chosen divorce since he violated the marital contract 3X.

 

I have to say, I am envious of you that the OW/OM was a stranger or some benign face.

[whichwayisup]

This is DOUBLE BETRAYAL! I am so sorry to hear that your husband and bestfriend did this to you.

 

Definately seek some one on one counselling, you're going to need it to help you cope.

 

So is the A over with your H and your BF (bestfriend) and does HER husband know?

 

Do a site search on noforgiveness and look in her profile. I will try to find her threads and post the links, her husband and her BF had an affair.

 

All I can say is, if you think he's worthy of a second chance to make it right, go to marriage counselling with you, as well as individual counselling for himself, and he can show you not only in words, but in actions that he can prove to you he is worthy of your love, trust and faith again. It takes alot to move past something like you've been through, and ofcourse, having the double betrayal is 1000x worse.

[whichwayisup]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t102917/ There's the link to her story.

[nottoobright]

[qoute]What hurts the most is the affair with my best friend. How she looked me in the eyes repeatedly and pretended like she was on my side. At least once she told me she didn't know how I was with him... which looking back was her way of trying to get us apart I guess.

 

That is where I have had the biggest problem how mine looked me in the eye afterwards. No remorse.... Thats how. And the woman he did it with, I remember the day she came by and saw me in the driveway and walked up to me, introduced herself and shook my hand.... Ugh, just disgusting!!!

 

 

 

I have to say, I am envious of you that the OW/OM was a stranger or some benign face.

 

 

Thay has been my point to my husband from day one, I think it would be so much easier if it were a stranger. I am so sorry for your situation and although my situation is a little bit different if it is any comfort to you, I know what you are going through. I hope that you are taking care of yourself for your sake and your baby's sake.

[Lizzie60]

Wow how unbelievable!

 

Well FF to last Thursday and I'm in for the most horrifying day of my life. I find out that it was a full on sexual affair for the last maybe 2 months and they did it about 10 times.

 

How did you find out? He told you? after confessing it was only a kiss... now it's a full sexual affair... he did it 10 times in 2 months..

 

They did it out in the living room while I was asleep with my baby in the bedroom,

 

where was her husband?

 

they did it out in our living room while her husband was cooking grilled cheese sandwhiches in our kitchen.

 

Where were you?

 

he had also had an affair with this girl who came over to hang out with us while I was pregnant,

 

and apparently so did he with her twice.

 

where were you both times?

 

There was also a co-worker who know works at a different job and he slept with her 4 times.

 

Wow for a husband who only confess to a kiss... he sure spilled it out... even to how many times he had sex with all of them... wow wow

 

In hindsight I now know that this was premeditated as she had started crushing on my husband weeks earlier.

 

Ha-hem.. I would think so too... helllllo!

 

I begged and cried for my husband to stay with me that night, but he left me. I cried for two hours in my friend's bathroom until I went to sleep. About 3 a.m. DH showers and climbs into bed, hugs me and tells me he loved me and went to sleep.

 

My-my I can't believe women sometimes...

 

I still love him, so I gave him another chance... but 3 sexual affairs in 10 months

 

Yes I agree it's a bit too much!

 

I guess this explains why she wanted to buy his favorite perfume (I thought this was odd) or when he would come home and she was here she would jump up to get him something (I thought she was helpful).

 

Duh!!!! Hellllllo!

 

Worst of all, how do you get over the feeling that your are an idiot and stupid?

 

Hummm... no idea...

 

This is really a weird story...almost 'unreal'... unbelievable!

[norajane]

So now he's spilled it all and cleared his conscience. What is he doing for YOU? Has he apologized? Has he expressed remorse, or is he Has he explained WHY he's had affairs with 3 different women in the past 10 months? Has he started to go to counseling? How is he treating you? Is he still working with that coworker he had sex with?

 

If you found out about all this last Thursday, you are still in a state of shock. Your immediate reaction may be to stay with him, but you are entitled to change your mind, and you probably will, at least a dozen times every day.

 

If you think staying with this man is somehow better for your child...make sure you really give this some thought. Your H is the kind of man who completely tossed his promises to you and to your child aside for the sake of his dick - is this the kind of man who is FIT to raise a child? The kind of man who will teach your child values? Or is he kind of man who exposes his kid to 3 affairs in his own home while the child sleeps?

 

Kick him out of the house for a while so you don't have to deal with his lying, cheating face. Get your head clear before making a final decision on what you believe is best for you and your child.

[sandygirl01]

This is DOUBLE BETRAYAL! I am so sorry to hear that your husband and bestfriend did this to you.

 

Definately seek some one on one counselling, you're going to need it to help you cope.

 

So is the A over with your H and your BF (bestfriend) and does HER husband know?

 

 

Yeah the affair is over. According to him he tried to break it off several times but each time she tried to tell him how much she loved him and that he was disregarding her feelings and whatnot... so he went back. Ugh.

 

The sad part is that when I was being told it had just only progressed to kissing, her husband was being told the full truth, so hes had 3 additional weeks to process everything. He was starting to feel bad for me so he had a letter written up and basically told my SIL (who is still friends with the ex-BF b/c she is trying to show her God's love and grace still) that if the family didn't tell me he would. Thank you for the link.

 

Lizzie60 I really wish this was all just a horrible dream. Unfortunately this is my reality... although in my one moment of humor when I learned the truth I told my SIL's that I could probably make bank if I sold this story to the lifetime channel.

 

So now he's spilled it all and cleared his conscience. What is he doing for YOU? Has he apologized? Has he expressed remorse, or is he Has he explained WHY he's had affairs with 3 different women in the past 10 months? Has he started to go to counseling? How is he treating you? Is he still working with that coworker he had sex with?

 

He now has to be 100% accountable for all actions, times, emails, texts. .. I see everything. HE can't go anywhere by himself. He has apologized and was on his knees begging me for forgiveness actually.

His kinda-explanation was that we had a crappy marraige so he figured he might as well have some fun since he was so miserable. Yeah. I was miserable a lot during my pregnancy too (I had a fibroid tumor discovered in Dec. and my cervix was softening too much in Feb. so I was on bedrest for periods of time).

We have started counseling... our first session was last monday and the next session is this monday. This session our homework was writing everything we hate about each other and bringing it to the session. I'm sensing it's not going to be a fun time. He's also reading 'Think before you look' which the counselor had him buy. He is treating me well.... actually better than he's treated me the entire marraige.

The co-worker he slept with took a position in a branch 30 minutes north so they don't work together anymore, but still work under the same company. There was a company picnic a while back, maybe 1.5 months ago where I, ex-best friend, and co-worker were at. I'm sure that must have been fun for him.

 

If you found out about all this last Thursday, you are still in a state of shock. Your immediate reaction may be to stay with him, but you are entitled to change your mind, and you probably will, at least a dozen times every day.

 

If you think staying with this man is somehow better for your child...make sure you really give this some thought. Your H is the kind of man who completely tossed his promises to you and to your child aside for the sake of his dick - is this the kind of man who is FIT to raise a child? The kind of man who will teach your child values? Or is he kind of man who exposes his kid to 3 affairs in his own home while the child sleeps?

 

Kick him out of the house for a while so you don't have to deal with his lying, cheating face. Get your head clear before making a final decision on what you believe is best for you and your child.

 

I kind of feel that way sometimes, but I'm a christian and have chosen to forgive him and to try to work things out with counseling. He is fully aware that if there is even so much of a hint of anything that he is driving to the county courthouse to pick up the divorce papers because there will be no begging for my forgiveness. It will just be over. And yeah I probably am still in a lot of shock. I've been through alot in my life, so for me to say that Thursday was the worst day of my life says a lot.

[East of Jupiter]

As a woman married to a repeat offender who also confessed in similar manner, I can say this is going to take a lot of work.

 

But please allow me to spare you if I can. First of all, it is important that you learn what kind of cheater your husband is. There is a difference between a man who makes a mistake during a difficult time and the one that cheats because he feels entitled. The latter is more likely than not manipulative and you will have to be on your toes.

 

Please do not allow him to shift blame onto you. All marriages have issues. And even if you did have issues and he was unhappy it does not by any means justify or excuse the many times he has violated your trust, your home. That he did these things while others were around also points to a level of risk taking and crossing of boundaries that should alarm you and which he should not be able to easily dismiss. The fact he is blaming you (while you were pregnant and bed ridden) says a lot about where his head is and it is not in the right place.

 

I really can't tell you whether or not your husband and this marriage are worth fighting for. Only you will be able to do that and it will take time. I also think that while marriage counseling is in order to figure out other issues, the biggest problem in your marriage and what has been more than likely contributing to said problems, is the fact that your husband is a liar and a cheater.

 

Just keep in mind that you don't have to decide today or tomorrow.

 

I forgave once and twice and even three times. Seven years later I am finally recognizing what I was up against.

[Lyssa]

Sandygirl01 - I am so sorry this happened to you. I can't imagine how heartbroken you must have been when it all came out. I hope you are coping well and that you take it day by day.

 

*hugs*

[justice]

I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

You are going to need alot of time for yourself in order to heal.

You haven't reached the rage phase yet, be prepared for when it hits, because it will hit hard.

Be ready to be firmer with him than you have ever been in your lives together, make sure he knows that you don't have to give him this chance to make things right, and make sure that you lay down the new rules right up front. It's a difficult and painful situation at best, one where you are going to have alot of doubts and insecurity.

And please understand that it doesn't go away quickly. I've been divorced now for quite awhile and I've found that I still have flashbacks and bad feelings. But please know that it does get more bearable and you do heal and you will get better. Work on you. Hugs.

[BurriedAlive]

Wow, this is the worst story I have heard in awhile. I am very sorry about the excrutiating pain you must be going through right now.

 

Anyway, here is my 2 cents. As I was reading your story the thought that kept crossing my mind was "this guy wanted to be caught." I mean he made absolutely NO attempt at trying to hide his infidelities and betrayals. Then when nobody caught him he came right out and told you! Plus the betrayals are of the worst kind: sex with BF, sex in your house under your nose, sex while you were pregnant with his child. I mean what was left? Sex in your bed with your BF while you were sleeping?

 

I can't even imagine what you must be going through right now. You are going to need all the support you can get in the coming months. Take care.

[Hurt & Alone]

I am so sorry. This is a horrible story.

First, do not refer to her as your friend she is not,nor was she ever. Friends do not do that to one another.

Second, do not believe that because your H says the marriage was horrible during your pregnancy that it is excusable. Pregnancy pains and miseries are expected and he should have been there for you during this time regardless.

My thoughts about personal run-ins is he should leave the company he works for and find a job in another company oterwise these fun-ins will continue to happen.

[OpenBook]

sandygirl, this would be a dealbreaker for me. I would take my babies and get out of town, pronto. Start over somewhere else, far far away - but preferably somewhere where you've got family and/or friends. Let your H worry about how to visit his children. His problem now.

[tinktronik]

My exH had a military guy who worked with him. We knew him and his wife for years. They had a couple of kids , had been married young .

This man would start an affair with a woman and then bring her home to introduce her to his wife getting them to be friends (all the while having an affair with the OW) so his absences with the OW would not be as noticable .He did this over and over and over with dif women.

My H would tell me about this . I hated this Guy . I had the absolute hardest time bitting my tounge .But I knew if I told the W would not believe me.

 

I don't know how you are going to get over this . It is horrible, it sounds as if your H is a serial cheater and does it blatantly with the thought of perhaps getting caught , right in your home with your children present . He has some problems . You BF is obviously a peice of work also .Have you spoken with her since you found out?

Im so sorry this happened to you .

[Darth Vader]

There is a very good possibility that this thing has happened before, It's like seeing the tip of the iceberg, there's probably much more to be discovered. More affairs than you may know.

[East of Jupiter]

There is a very good possibility that this thing has happened before, It's like seeing the tip of the iceberg, there's probably much more to be discovered. More affairs than you may know.

 

Isn't that the way it goes?

 

Yes, there is always more to be discovered. Unfortunately, the cheaters thinks it is best to let you down easy (translates into sparing self a few more hours, days, months).

 

The betrayed winds up with several DD's. That's worse.

[sandygirl01]

I will say that the one thing I am sure of is that it is only 3.... I am aware that some of you with more experience will think that it naieve and stupid, but the ex-bf's husband didn't know about the other affairs and was only going to tell me about his wife and my husband. So the fact that he came clean with everything gives me hope. Only DH and I were there on Dday and know how things went down.

 

Does anyone know of any good books to help? Hubby is reading 'Think before you look' but I'd like to read something for me... to help.

 

It sucks so much that we brought them into all parts of our lives.... they were even members of our church and it is painful that my SIL is still friends with them (they now go to my SIL's mom's church - they can't seem to say away from my family even extended). Today at church my neice kept talking about her and her baby and it was all I could do to clench my teeth and go 'That's nice' 'oh really' 'that's cool'. Sigh.

[smoochygirl]

I will say that the one thing I am sure of is that it is only 3.... I am aware that some of you with more experience will think that it naieve and stupid, but the ex-bf's husband didn't know about the other affairs and was only going to tell me about his wife and my husband. So the fact that he came clean with everything gives me hope. Only DH and I were there on Dday and know how things went down.

 

Does anyone know of any good books to help? Hubby is reading 'Think before you look' but I'd like to read something for me... to help.

 

It sucks so much that we brought them into all parts of our lives.... they were even members of our church and it is painful that my SIL is still friends with them (they now go to my SIL's mom's church - they can't seem to say away from my family even extended). Today at church my neice kept talking about her and her baby and it was all I could do to clench my teeth and go 'That's nice' 'oh really' 'that's cool'. Sigh.

 

She was not a real Best friend to you, she was very weak and forgot all the things you did for each other, thats not a best friend like. She is probably jealous of you Marriage thats why she did such horrible things to you. Your H is also very weak and need some lecturing, Ask him what did you do for him to do this to you, and ask him if there is something wrong in your marriage. You have to find it in your heart if your H is really wort your life, if not, Please do not waste it.

[Cad Rake]

Must be a pretty good looking guy for that many women to want him!

[MrsHellnoFire]

Is your hubby a male runway model or something? He sure gets a lot of action for an OLD MARRIED man! My lord.