My mother may be dying

[xanadu]

I live in Turkey and my mother remains in the UK. We have never been close and not to bore you all since my step father came along when I was 9 he made my life hell and ruled my mother with a rod of iron. I was kicked out and homeless at 16, but here I am at 46 successful. Everytime I visited she wouldn't find the time to see me and the rejection was heart breaking although I know my step father was to blame she should have tried.

Now I receive and e mail from the family to ask me to go home and visit as she is starting to lose it mentally BUT for the first time anyone can remember she is talking about me constantly and wants to see me. I have waited all my life for this and now I feel gutted that as she faces her own mortality she finally asks for me.

Why do parents make us still feel like kids?

I know the right thing is to fly home and have some time with her before she forgets who I am at all but I so fear her rejecting me again or even worse catching her on a bad day when she apparently rambles. The worse case scenario is that she actually hugs me and shows love, which she never has and then I feel so much more pain and love which I have buried for so long.

I am heartbroken and found your Forum just by typing in a few lines of my dilema.

I have several forums my self and they are a great place but this is not something I can share on my own Forum.

Help!

[quankanne]

what an awful thing to have to put up with for so long, especially knowing that no matter what you do, you'll feel pain for making that choice.

 

xanadu – ask much as feel it will be heart-rending to go back to see her, seriously consider going. Because no matter WHAT happens, you will at least be giving yourself some kind of closure. You won't be suffering doubts, wondering "what if I had gone when she was still alive." Most importantly, you will stop taking blame for what's happened in the past.

 

yes, I meant to phrase it that way: Even though it was her husband's decision to kick you out at such a young age, there's a good chance there's a small part of you wondering maybe you *did* do something to deserve it. Because that is a very human response, even when we're not the guilty party.

 

don't let your fear or worry of what *could* happen keep you apart any longer from your mom – maybe she was too weak and under his thumb to not do anything before, but now she realizes her child is truly what is important and she wants to see you while she can. This can be the opportunity for healing and compassion that both of you deserve. I don't doubt that she's ever stopped loving or caring or worrying about you – that's just not how a mother is wired, there are too few exceptions, IMO – and you deserve to give yourself a happy ending.

 

loving someone is never an easy decision, and sometimes it can be painful, but it's often the right one because it helps you grow into the person you are meant to be. You deserve to see your mom.

 

good luck, and hugs to you, as you decide what to do ...

[xanadu]

Thank you so much for that. I know I have to go and I suppose the sulky child in me wants to fire questions at her. WHY? WHY? WHY? for everything that happened or that she let happen, and it is selfish but I want answers and this isn't the time for them and of course as it may be the last time I see her then there never will be a time will there?

 

All this time I wanted a MUM a real MUM to hold me and tell me it will be OK and now I have to go and take the parent role. I have waited so long and now I dread it so much.

 

Your Forum is incredible by the way and I will stay around if I may and help if I can as I was a psychiatric nurse for years.

[quankanne]

this MIGHT be the time to ask all those questions – she's got nothing to lose by answering them, so she may feel that you're entitled to honesty, especially now.

 

and you know how it goes ... sometimes the fear of something or doing something is much, much greater than when it actually happens, especially dialogues!

 

taking the parent role doesn't seem fair when we still hold those hurts and fears and pains from childhood, but maybe it's meant to temper our responses and thinking? To a point where we can be more open about listening?

 

go to your mom and let her know that despite all the crap you've had to put up with, you love her. Because that's really what it boils down to: Acknowledging the love you've got for someone before they're gone. And it could very well be that this is what your mom is striving for.

 

psychiatric nurse, huh? It would be incredibly interesting to hear your input on some of the posts!

 

welcome aboard, BTW. The 'Shack is an awesome place!!!

[East of Jupiter]

Thank you so much for that. I know I have to go and I suppose the sulky child in me wants to fire questions at her. WHY? WHY? WHY? for everything that happened or that she let happen, and it is selfish but I want answers and this isn't the time for them and of course as it may be the last time I see her then there never will be a time will there?

 

All this time I wanted a MUM a real MUM to hold me and tell me it will be OK and now I have to go and take the parent role. I have waited so long and now I dread it so much.

 

Your Forum is incredible by the way and I will stay around if I may and help if I can as I was a psychiatric nurse for years.

 

I want to first say that I am sorry to hear of your Mom's condition. Please remind yourself that even if things were better between you, this would still be a tough time for you. You just have extra baggage to deal with.

 

I can't imagine any words I could say but I will share how it went with me and my dad.

 

My father was an emotionally brutal and physical unapproachable man. My mom tells me he was great with us children when we were children. She can't explain why he changed.

 

I think it is because he was a womanizer and his family got in the way of where he wanted to be. But I have come to accept that his need for being with OW never outweighed his need to appear he was a good family man. Had a hard talk with Mom just last night about this.

 

Anyway ... At age 15, he lost his temper with me and he dislocated my jaw. Yes, he punched me in the face and would have continued but I somehow got a hold of a pillow and buried my head in it. He continued punching me in the back. I can't tell this story even today without crying.

 

I left home and lived on the streets for a few years. Went hungry and narrowly escapade death, rape ... several times. But that was better than living in fear of my dad at home.

 

He got sick and had one surgery after the other. Finally, the last one took him. He died while I held his right hand, the one he used to beat me with and as he went, he turned his head and looked in my eyes. And mine were the last eyes he saw on this earth.

 

I spent two years thinking how much he must have hated that. After all, he had spent the last thirty or so years avoiding me. He would leave a room when I came in and whenever I visited, he would do would disappear.

 

I grew up thinking my dad didn't like me. That's a terrible thing for a child to think.

 

It wasn't until my sister came to visit one day that I knew better.

 

She had visited dad weeks before his last surgery. She said he knew he was going to die and he sat at the dinner table crying like a baby. And he told her that he felt awful for the way he had treated me and for having beat me as he had so many years ago. And, how he had felt so much SHAME over WHAT HE DID that he could never look me in the eye since.

 

My point is that we can only assume why our parents acted as they did. That it does not meqan they don't love us and also, that they have their own pain over the situation.

 

I came to terms with my dad long before he died. I stopped expecting him to be someone he couldn't be. I stopped expecting him to be the daddy I always wanted. Only then could I love him freely, and I did. On his terms. It was okay.

 

Sending you a lot of thoughts of strength and healing during this difficult time.

[xanadu]

Gosh thank you so much for your replies. I worked in psychiatry for 14 years but you know the saying ...........healer go heal thy self. It's bloody hard to see our own problems isn't it?

East of Jupiter? Your story moved me, I was also on the streets at 16 thrown out by my step father for the terrible crime of studying too hard and arrivng late home from college. Girls don't study they work in factories, get married and have babies, and if I had of done that then I could have had all the love I needed. YEH RIGHT!!

I think my mother, if she is lucid will avoid all answers to the million and one questions I have. When I have tried in the past her response is to usually tell me I have a vivid memory, and why do I always bring up the past? I want to scream at her that I am asking because it is my past that has messed up my head, my relationships, and my general self esteem.

To you all who would meet me you would think WOW! powerful woman, got it all, in control, but you all would be so wrong because what do we ALL really strive for? Our Mothers love that's what!

Look how many threads on this Forum are about Mothers. I think that speaks volumes.

 

Anyway of course I will fly over in a couple of weeks, and of course I will talk platitudes so that the possibly last time I spend with her will be very british, with no emotion and we will drink tea politely while she counts the minutes down to getting away from me, because I know I remind her of what she let happen to me and I know she must feel soemthing inside only she shows all her love to the rest of the family. Crying now as I write this because it is one of the most daunting tasks I have ever faced. And it shouldn't be a task should it? It should be a wonderful thing being with your mother. Well as is proved, not all of us are so lucky.

 

On a proffesional note, my expertise in psychiatry and councelling is Risk assessment on self harm, early warning signs of psychosis, criminally insane and forensics and psycho sexual problems. So I will join your wonderful place and if I can help anyone I will. And do please excusemy spelling as I type so fast and don't always spell check.

[Kasan]

It's truly awful that we spend all of our lives recovering from the damage of awful childhoods. You learn to live with it and move on, squash the anger down, make up every excuse for why you were treated the way you were...and wonder why you were never good enough.

 

And like the children we were then, we eagerly grab up any signs of affection and remorse - even when it comes too late for reconciliation due to illness or death. Maybe the purpose is to validate what you have learned as an adult--that you were always good enough!

 

I agree xanadu, with East of Jupiter, having your questions answered and maybe getting some kind of closure will bring you peace.

 

But I am sure that you wonder like I do, how a mother could let this happen to her children.

 

No way in hell, I would let this happen to my kids.

 

I also find it interesting that you chose psychiatric nursing as a profession--I am sure your capacity for compassion helped many.

 

Be well