LoveDeluxe78 Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 I spend so much time Believing all the lies To keep the dream alive Now it makes me sad It makes me mad at truth For loving what was you - Billy Idol I can really relate to this song at the moment. I was with a guy who, when I met him, was fun, funny, sweet, intelligent, and with whom I clicked with in the beginning. So when we started going out, I thought I was going to be involved in a great relationship with a great guy. But he was cold, selfish, unemotional, detached........... The first time I told him how I felt, he pleaded for me to be patient with him and that he needed time to open up. Days, weeks, months went by and nothing changed; they actually got worse. I told him how I felt again, but this time he made no attempt to compromise in any way. He just wouldn't open up to me, be more emotionally open to me, or make me a priority in his life. Everything he placed before me, school (this I can understand), his friends - drinking with them, going out with them, etc., never inviting me to join, his hobbies such as his martial arts training, video games, etc, just seems like I was another one of his activities that he allocated a bit of time to, but other than that, he didn't want much with me. He hardly ever called me, we didn't talk much, when we hung out it was always at his house, watching TV for an hour or two and then that was it. He has taken me out only several times in the 9 months we've been dating. I'm not a high maintenance girl and I didn't ask for much except the affections and attention from someone I was with. And he couldn't give this to me. He told me this wasn't going to change because they were all important parts of him, and that if I was unhappy than I should move on! That hurt because it was such a slap in the fact to have someone tell you that they knew their actions made you unhappy, but they didn't care enough to change! He even said he needed to find a girl who didn't need much in terms of affection and attention and who wanted a very detached relationship. I'm just so ready to move on, but why is it so difficult? I resent him because I feel like he wasted my time. He should've been upfront with me and not lead me on from the beginning, or begging for me to give him time. I'm so angry and hurt at the same time! I know I need to end this and I just need to find the strength to do it and to get over this hurt. But it's so hard.......... Why? Is it because I really care for him, is it my frustration that is keeping me from ending this, or is it because I keep hoping that there's a light at the end of the tunnel?
burning 4 revenge Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 nobody writes cool pop songs like that anymore
budd98 Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 I was that guy in a relationship also. I said give me time and I will eventually fall. The first year it seemed I didn't care, cause I really didn't. Then she started making me chase her and I fell for her. I fell hard too and it changed who I was. Long story short, she ended up breaking my heart after together for almost 3 years. So if you really want this guy, you must make him think he can't have you or that you may have other options. Don't be easy for him or he won't stay interested. It is immature, but it will work. I would have left her early if she didn't do that to me, and overall I wish I would have.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 nobody writes cool pop songs like that anymore so so true. i thought the same thing.
Trialbyfire Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 If you're not his first priority from the start, it will never happen. It's all part of the game of the emotionally unavailable man, to want women to pine over them, adore them and want them. It's nothing more than an ego-stroke that they lap up with sick pleasure. Don't play his game. Don't pine for him. Don't even think about him. It's simply not worth the effort to try to understand someone of that bent. You have much love to give someone who will love you in return. If at all possible, try not to waste more time on someone who's simply not worth it. Focus on getting off the dependency and staying strong.
Sand&Water Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 RE: Here is a piece of splendid but useful advice, LoveDeluxe78: Is it because I really care for him? YES Is it my frustration that is keeping me from ending this? YES Is it because I keep hoping that there's a light at the end of the tunnel? YES I [female] was once and still am that "Eyes Without A Face" person. He acts coldly and ridiculously detached because he is only looking for the same in his partner. It is obvious you are not her. The pain he is causing you may never completely go away unless you walk and leave him. That is the truth. I can write pages about this issue/situation because I have been in his shoes, I know the type of damage I have done to others -like he has done to you- and to myself in the process. You have to leave him -that is the only way to make the pain stop. You need to move on and find someone worthy enough of your love. People, such as him -and myself included- have a hard time connecting with others on any level, be it personal or emotional. Believe me, he is most likely suffering due to the fact that he can't open up to a woman. It is NOT easy for people like us. Walk away now, rather than later. The longer you hold onto him, the more complicated your feelings will be -and the harder it will be for you to abandon him. The only way to evidently witness his true feelings towards you, is if you leave him and never look back. Then -just then, he may come running back to you, pouring out his heart for not loving you. Or he could easily never talk to you again and re-play the same cold-hearted cycle all over again for the next woman. Regards, Sand&Water
Author LoveDeluxe78 Posted August 27, 2007 Author Posted August 27, 2007 It's so difficult to feel the pain of having feelings towards someone and for them not to reciprocate or even acknowledge your feelings towards them. But he gives just enough, and it is this ambivalence that makes it hard for me to let go. I'm afraid that if I continue to stay with him, I will continue to feel this pain and won't be able to move on. There have been several guys interested in me throughout these last months, but I couldn't even give anyone a chance or assess whether I would even work out with them because I was so consumed with the pain of this "relationship". I am relocating to another city for 3 months and when I informed him, he said he wanted to have a long distance relationship with me, but that he would visit me. But this isn't fair because he is getting exactly what he wants out of it, which is not having to see me often, not having to give anything because not only is there emotional distance, there's also now a physical distance. At least before we went to the same school and had mutual friends. I know that this relocation is a godsend because it will force me to get over him, but I am actually considering not relocating just to have some kind of closure in this relationship! Or the alternative is to be in this long distance relationship just to feel like there's something there. Funny thing is, in the past, I have always been the one that moved on when things weren't working out. I really want to go back to being that person again, to be on my own, find myself again, and to be open if someone good for me does come along. But all I can do right now is to be in so much pain............ Trialbyfire: Thank you for the encouragement. I really needed to hear that. I think one of the things that's keeping me in this unhealthy relationship is the fact that I keep trying to understand him, but you're right, I should give up trying to "understand someone of that bent". It's not worth it, and I do have a lot of love to give to someone who can reciprocate those feelings instead of with this cold, detached, unemotional person. Sand&Water: Thank you also for your insight into the matter. I have tried leaving him so many times, only to be sucked back into the situation. I don't even remember how many times I had gotten up the strength to emotionally and mentally "separate" from him in order to make the separation a reality, only to relapse with one word on my voicemail or a text message. It wasn't easy that we both attended a small graduate school together, and had mutual friends. You are right that I need to walk away now. I wish I had done it months ago when I knew it was the right thing to do; the longer I stayed, the more complicated my feelings were, and the harder it became to leave. I want to get to the point where I won't care what the outcome will be, whether he comes back and pours his heart out to me, or never talk to me again and replay the cycle over with another woman. I want to get to the point where it just won't matter because I would've moved on.
Trialbyfire Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 But he gives just enough You're welcome. I've had fleeting exposure to the type you're talking about. It starts with a big push, which traps you. After that, the bad behaviours begin, a little at a time. You protest, the behaviours get worse but always, there's just a little emotional give to keep you on a string. Then, the emotional door gets slammed in your face, reopened a small bit, to keep you on a string. Plenty of soft-sell and patter, nothing concrete. Smoke and mirrors, smoke and mirrors. Sooner or later you will tire of his bad behaviours and from the sounds of it, you're very close. A person can only take so much dysfunction before their self-protection mechanism kicks in and they exit. It may take a few exits to make it permanent but you can do it. Draw from your inner strengths and know that this isn't healthy for your psychy.
Author LoveDeluxe78 Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 I did it! I ended it! And he was even nonchalant about that! Didn't make me feel any better. I feel like crap and I'm hurting!
Trialbyfire Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Congratulations!! A difficult thing to do but something worthwhile, for the potential of future happiness. It does hurt. You can't just turn off the emotions right away. ((hugs))
Author LoveDeluxe78 Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 TrialbyFire: Thank you for your kind words. I am very upset, although I know that I can't be with someone like him. I know that I deserve better and that I can't continue to be in this relationship and be happy. But I am hurting because I feel that he never gave anything of himself into this relationship, and I did. I am hurt because I never received anything in return. It's like gambling, you lose $10, but you think, alright, I'll stay in longer, and perhaps you win $1 or $2 here and there, but you end up losing more. Still wishing to win big, or at least recover your loss, you continue to gamble, but in the end, you end up losing more than the original $10, which is where you likely should have chalked it up to loss! That's why I stayed in the relationship for 9 months. I kept hoping things would get better, rationalizing his behavior by telling myself I am expecting too much, or that I was overreacting. And when I finally broke it off, the pain has really taken its toll on me. All the things he's told me, that he liked me, that he had a good time with me, were they all lies? I chose to give it my all in this relationship, to not play games, and to wear my heart on my sleeve and the result is heartbreaking. How do I get over this pain? The sudden severing of yourself from another with whom, good or bad, you've shared a substantial amount of time with is painful. I'm trying to cope the best I can, but I am just tired of hurting.
Reactor Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Grats! You've done yourself a biiiiigggg favour. And getting over the pain is not easy, I sugguest you go out with friends, spoil yourself (buy something) and do things. Some people say its time to 're-invent' yourself, eventually the pain will go away, trust me! Also, a quick question from a rather confused bloke! Sorry if its out of place: How would a man show hes in to you? I don't get it you see. Because my ex's excuse for breaking up with me the first time was - "You're not into me like I'm into you". I didn't get it, sure I wasn't perfect (it was my first relationship) and I was under alot of stress and pressure - family issues, doing my degree, which I explained to her and she said it was 'OK'. I mean I comforted her when she was sad, had fun times with her, you know as you do. Needless to say the second time round things got worse, she got colder and I got more loving, I don't know, we said before we got together we'd take things slow, because she wasn't over her ex,ex-bf. She seemed to go really fast and I seemed to take a 'normal' pace, maybe that was it? Anyway, I'm very confused about it, I wasn't 'cold' to her, nor was I ever nasty. In fact the relationship was exceptionally healthy (up until the last month). I just don't get the 'Not into me part'. Maybe one of you fine ladies could shed some light here? Thanks! And best wishes for getting yourself straight again! Reactor.
PoshPrincess Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Well done, LD. You have SO done the right thing. I know you are hurting big time at the moment but YOU know deep down that this is the right decision for you. You deserve better and will find someone who can give you that. He's not worthy of your love. I promise it does get easier! PS Can totally relate to those lyrics too!
Author LoveDeluxe78 Posted August 30, 2007 Author Posted August 30, 2007 Also, a quick question from a rather confused bloke! Sorry if its out of place: How would a man show hes in to you? I don't get it you see. Because my ex's excuse for breaking up with me the first time was - "You're not into me like I'm into you". I didn't get it, sure I wasn't perfect (it was my first relationship) and I was under alot of stress and pressure - family issues, doing my degree, which I explained to her and she said it was 'OK'. I mean I comforted her when she was sad, had fun times with her, you know as you do. Needless to say the second time round things got worse, she got colder and I got more loving, I don't know, we said before we got together we'd take things slow, because she wasn't over her ex,ex-bf. She seemed to go really fast and I seemed to take a 'normal' pace, maybe that was it? . Reactor: Thank you for the kind words. It looks like she may be one of the more "needy partners". I wasn't a needy partner by any means. If you read my situation, you would've seen that my EX placed me at the bottom of his priority list and at first I thought he was juggling the things that you mentioned, like working on his graduate degree, family issues, etc. But then I realized he made time to just get drunk with his friends all the time, and video games, and watching his DVDs, and never included me in anything, but worse of all, never being there for me emotionally when I needed him. My Ex never took me anywhere or tried to have fun with me. It was just a bunch of phone calls once in awhile and I'd come over and we'd have small talk and that was it. With your situation, your ex sounds like another ex I had where no matter how much I gave, it was never enough. It was also wise of you to take it slow in the beginning because she wasn't over her ex. I believe in some ways she's either not over that relationship, not him, but just not over that relationship that she is expecting you to give more and more for her to feel secure. Or she just sounds like a very needy person. Or it maybe it was just her excuse to break up with you and wasn't the real reason. Either way, you sound like a great guy who did everything right in the relationship. It's normal to take it slow and at a healthy pace. My ex was different, he was ambivalent. So good luck with everything and thank you again for your kind words. PoshPrincess: Thank you for your encouragement. I am hurting so much right now, but I too, know that this was the right decision to make. Sometimes you just need to hear another person, such as yourself, telling you that things will get better. Thank you.
Author LoveDeluxe78 Posted September 3, 2007 Author Posted September 3, 2007 I made the mistake of seeing him "one last time" and I ended up crying in his car telling him how much he hurt me, and he agreed that he did, which I thought would give me the closure I needed, after all, it was what I wanted to hear, but it made me feel worse! He walked me to the door and gave me a hug and I haven't talked or seen him for two days. In 2 days I'll be moving 300 miles away and not sure whether I will be back in this area. I know it's the right thing to do, but I'm just hurting so much! I haven't been able to sleep and been crying most of the time. The thought of not seeing him again makes me feel like I can't breath. It hurts a lot! I'm not sure whether I'm sad because I know I won't ever touch him, hug him, or kiss him again, or whether I'm mourning a dream that was shattered. I don't know what's causing the pain, I just know that it's painful. Anyone have any advice on how to cope with this?
Author LoveDeluxe78 Posted September 8, 2007 Author Posted September 8, 2007 Just moved to the new city! Hate it here! Miss the ex! He started making contact again and I told him to respect my wishes not to contact me, and he got mad at me, which, for no other reason than I'm just a complete idiot, I felt bad, and couldn't go through with it! So the last couple of days we've been contacting through phone and text, and it's made me miserable in this new city! To make matters worse, I heard from some friends that he's already crushing on some new girls! Did I really mean nothing to him? I'm so disgusted and sad, and I feel like I've just relapsed again! Will it ever get better? I'm just hurting so bad!
Recommended Posts