cm83 Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 I have been married for 7 years and I have 3 kids. My wife just recently got a new job and she began to lose weight and work out. This happened before the job so she was trying to look good. About 2 months ago I caught her ina lie and she admitted to me that a guy liked her and was very nice to her at work.. I had caught her looking up any history on him on our computer. She was sorry and told me that she would never do it again. A few days ago she came about 1.5 hours late from work and I confronted her. She told me that she was sorry and that she had kissed this same guy but that she was so sorry and could not tell me for fear of hurting me. She also told me that the kissed happended the first time I caught her in that lie. She assures me that she is sorry and that it was a mistake. When I caught her two days ago she told me she had given that guy a ride home and that they had talked but nothing happened. She looks very crshed and she tells me that she cant even look at me or the kids because she is ashamed of herself. She promises that she will never commit this mistake again and wants to see if we can work it out. What should I do? Everytime I see her I picture her kissing someone else. What advise can you give me, I love her a lot and we have 3 kids. She even said that she understood and that if I wanted to break up she would go back home to her mom who lives in another state and she just requested that I dont do anything to take the kids. Can you help?
EnigmasMuse Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 1. You caught her in a lie, she told you a guy at her work liked her and was nice to her. 2. You caught her looking up history on him, and she said she was sorry, and wouldn't do it again. 3. Came home from work, late, she confessed to kissing him, told you she was sorry. 4.Then told you she kissed him the first time you caught her in lie about it. Assures you, she was sorry and it was a mistake. 5.A few days pass, she gives the guy a ride home, tells you nothing happened. Promises not to do anything again. How many more times do you want to hear, she is sorry and wont do it again? "What should I do?" What do you feel you should do?
Poboy Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 I have been married for 7 years and I have 3 kids. My wife just recently got a new job and she began to lose weight and work out. This happened before the job so she was trying to look good. About 2 months ago I caught her ina lie and she admitted to me that a guy liked her and was very nice to her at work.. I had caught her looking up any history on him on our computer. She was sorry and told me that she would never do it again. A few days ago she came about 1.5 hours late from work and I confronted her. She told me that she was sorry and that she had kissed this same guy but that she was so sorry and could not tell me for fear of hurting me. She also told me that the kissed happended the first time I caught her in that lie. She assures me that she is sorry and that it was a mistake. When I caught her two days ago she told me she had given that guy a ride home and that they had talked but nothing happened. She looks very crshed and she tells me that she cant even look at me or the kids because she is ashamed of herself. She promises that she will never commit this mistake again and wants to see if we can work it out. What should I do? Everytime I see her I picture her kissing someone else. What advise can you give me, I love her a lot and we have 3 kids. She even said that she understood and that if I wanted to break up she would go back home to her mom who lives in another state and she just requested that I dont do anything to take the kids. Can you help? do you believe her that she is really sorry for her actions and she wont do this again ? the answer will tell you what you must do.
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 I have been married for 7 years and I have 3 kids. My wife just recently got a new job and she began to lose weight and work out. This happened before the job so she was trying to look good. About 2 months ago I caught her ina lie and she admitted to me that a guy liked her and was very nice to her at work.. I had caught her looking up any history on him on our computer. She was sorry and told me that she would never do it again. A few days ago she came about 1.5 hours late from work and I confronted her. She told me that she was sorry and that she had kissed this same guy but that she was so sorry and could not tell me for fear of hurting me. She also told me that the kissed happended the first time I caught her in that lie. She assures me that she is sorry and that it was a mistake. When I caught her two days ago she told me she had given that guy a ride home and that they had talked but nothing happened. She looks very crshed and she tells me that she cant even look at me or the kids because she is ashamed of herself. She promises that she will never commit this mistake again and wants to see if we can work it out. What should I do? Everytime I see her I picture her kissing someone else. What advise can you give me, I love her a lot and we have 3 kids. She even said that she understood and that if I wanted to break up she would go back home to her mom who lives in another state and she just requested that I dont do anything to take the kids. Can you help? Apparently she wants to mess with this guy and apparently she's caught in the throws of this affair. I think you should serve her with either seperation or divorce papers on her job in front of everybody. Maybe that will snap her back to reality of losing you, She needs to get her priorities in order, what's more important? this OM or her husband? I think especially if you have chidren than leave, cheating is one thing but whe you've confronted her over so much lies and deception than she broke the marriage vows, not you. There's no reason to stay.
JackJack Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 I have been married for 7 years and I have 3 kids. My wife just recently got a new job and she began to lose weight and work out. This happened before the job so she was trying to look good. About 2 months ago I caught her ina lie and she admitted to me that a guy liked her and was very nice to her at work.. I had caught her looking up any history on him on our computer. She was sorry and told me that she would never do it again. A few days ago she came about 1.5 hours late from work and I confronted her. She told me that she was sorry and that she had kissed this same guy but that she was so sorry and could not tell me for fear of hurting me. She also told me that the kissed happended the first time I caught her in that lie. She assures me that she is sorry and that it was a mistake. When I caught her two days ago she told me she had given that guy a ride home and that they had talked but nothing happened. She looks very crshed and she tells me that she cant even look at me or the kids because she is ashamed of herself. She promises that she will never commit this mistake again and wants to see if we can work it out. What should I do? Everytime I see her I picture her kissing someone else. What advise can you give me, I love her a lot and we have 3 kids. She even said that she understood and that if I wanted to break up she would go back home to her mom who lives in another state and she just requested that I dont do anything to take the kids. Can you help? JMO, but people who are truly sorry, not only say it, but learn from what they did the first time and don't repeat the same mistake over and over again. She's not sorry, she didn't learn from it, she is basically just sorry she got caught. Her being sorry, will show in her actions, not just in her words, right now her words are worthless.
Tony T Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 It's only human to be attracted to other people. However, when people make a commitment to a marriage they simply don't act on it. We live in an age where a lot of people have little or no morals and simply do what they want to do. They do what is most pleasurable at the moment. You married one of them. Forgive her for being human and respect her honesty. However, she has no commitment to her marriage with you and no self discipline. I'm sorry you are only finding this out now. I have to consider, too, if you have been giving her the kind of attention she needs and now seeks from other men. Just because you've been married seven years and have three children doesn't mean you can ignore her needs as a woman. They'll find it elsewhere, I promise! What you do about the children is a decision you will have to make. If she's going to leave them with somebody else while she's out with her guy buddies, think twice about giving her custody. This may be the most difficult set of decisions you will ever make.
Trialbyfire Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 From what I've read on LS, you will have difficulty getting full custody of the children due to infidelity. On the other hand, you can stop her from taking the kids out of state, if you have joint custody. Loving someone is never enough to hold a marriage together. It's your choice if you want to work on the marriage or not, but it's the effort from both of you, that will hold it together.
Micke81 Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Ask her to find another job, but don't break your family up over this.
JackJack Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Ask her to find another job, but don't break your family up over this. I think she broke up the family or at least risked it being broke up by her actions. So you are suggesting him stay with her, why? For the kids sake?
Micke81 Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 I think she broke up the family or at least risked it being broke up by her actions. So you are suggesting him stay with her, why? For the kids sake? You are right that she risked the break up, but that doesn't make it disposable. These two people have a life together, a history, a marriage, a family...for the last 2 months (2.4% of their marriage), she's been attracted to another man, and she kissed him...but in my mind, a marriage and a life together that has been good for 97.6% of the time is not worth throwing away over a couple of kisses... So this guy knows how she kisses, but does he know how she dances on her wedding day? Does he know what it's like to run around the house in pure excitement and joy when they found out they were pregnant with their first child? What about they day that child was brought into the world, does he know that bond? Are all those bonds worth throwing away because he knows how she kisses??? Of course you will say it's because he can't trust her. Maybe so. It sounds like she is a weak person, but she also sounds distraught over it, and willing to work on it. So, she might be the type of person that needs to take more careful precautions...like changing jobs if there is someone she is to attracted to.
Trialbyfire Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 She's lied to him a number of times already and can't seem to help herself. Do you suppose that it has really stopped with a few kisses? I highly doubt it.
JackJack Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 but that doesn't make it disposable. I agree, and there are many marriages that have survived affairs and worse situations, however, she is going to have to be willing to want to work on the marriage if she is wanting to stay, and him as well. She can't keep saying she is sorry over and over again but yet continue in the same behavior pattern. Hopefully if the OP really doesn't want her to leave, they will both seek counseling on the issue. I have a feeling though as long as he does nothing, she will continue.
climbergirl Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Ask her to find another job, but don't break your family up over this. I completely agree with you. I find it odd and a bit irresponsible that most of the posts have been urging the OP to dissolve a marriage (AND fight for custody !), especially one with children, instead of offering less destructive advice.
Trialbyfire Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 I completely agree with you. I find it odd and a bit irresponsible that most of the posts have been urging the OP to dissolve a marriage (AND fight for custody !), especially one with children, instead of offering less destructive advice. Have you ever been married and cheated on?
climbergirl Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Have you ever been married and cheated on? Yes. And we had two kids. But I've also been through divorce and custody and that was more ugly.
Trialbyfire Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Yes. And we had two kids. But I've also been through divorce and custody and that was more ugly. Only if the two parties aren't adult about it.
climbergirl Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Only if the two parties aren't adult about it. Wrong. It only takes one party to make it ugly.
Trialbyfire Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Wrong. It only takes one party to make it ugly. Semantics. Either way, note that the wayward spouse is willing to part ways so now it's up to the betrayed spouse to decide if they want to and are willing to be adult about the parting. Keep in mind that each divorce is a matter of negotiation. No one party ends up with everything their way. It appears based on what the OP has said, that his wayward spouse has stated her consent but is stipulating her terms of such, in reference to the children. He can negotiate different terms with her, with legal backing. It is irresponsible to use your children as a battleground.
climbergirl Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 It is irresponsible to use your children as a battleground. You're 100% spot on. Not only is it irresponsible, but also a completely selfish tactic if used as a legal maneuver.
Trialbyfire Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 You're 100% spot on. Not only is it irresponsible, but also a completely selfish tactic if used as a legal maneuver. Legal backing doesn't constitute a form of manipulation. It's an upfront way to ensure that your children remain within the same state. If you feel that it would be selfish of the OP to want his children, that's an unusual perspective.
climbergirl Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Legal backing doesn't constitute a form of manipulation. It's an upfront way to ensure that your children remain within the same state. If you feel that it would be selfish of the OP to want his children, that's an unusual perspective. I think I'm being misinterpreted. Of course I don't think he's selfish to want his children and I believe that joint physical and legal custody is the norm and appropriate in most situations. I'm speaking from personal experience. My ex used the kids to make me settle for less $. He waged a custody battle as a legal tactic, not backing. It was a horrible time, especially for the kids, and wouldn't recommend it for anyone unless the kids are in danger. This is why I'm hoping the OP can work through this with his wife or at least try other avenues before going down that road.
Trialbyfire Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 I think I'm being misinterpreted. Of course I don't think he's selfish to want his children and I believe that joint physical and legal custody is the norm and appropriate in most situations. I'm speaking from personal experience. My ex used the kids to make me settle for less $. He waged a custody battle as a legal tactic, not backing. It was a horrible time, especially for the kids, and wouldn't recommend it for anyone unless the kids are in danger. This is why I'm hoping the OP can work through this with his wife or at least try other avenues before going down that road. I appreciate you providing your perspective on the issue but if you look at your situation, his situation won't be guaranteed to pan out in the same manner. I'm not a believer in martyrdom or toxic family environments for children to live in. Staying together isn't always the best idea. Now if both parties are willing to put 1000% into making the marriage work between them, it's a whole 'nother ballgame. His wayward spouse bent over pretty quickly, which leaves me with the impression that she's not committed to remaining in it. Most cheaters beg, plead and promise the world, when they want back, instead of offering to move out.
climbergirl Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 I appreciate you providing your perspective on the issue but if you look at your situation, his situation won't be guaranteed to pan out in the same manner. I'm not a believer in martyrdom or toxic family environments for children to live in. Staying together isn't always the best idea. Now if both parties are willing to put 1000% into making the marriage work between them, it's a whole 'nother ballgame. His wayward spouse bent over pretty quickly, which leaves me with the impression that she's not committed to remaining in it. Most cheaters beg, plead and promise the world, when they want back, instead of offering to move out. True enough. His spouse has to be part of the resolution, otherwise he's just pi##ing in the wind as far as making the marriage work. I wasn't sure if she bent over quickly because she felt guilty and understood if he wanted 'out' or if that is what she really wanted. I thought it if the OP did ask her to leave her job, her answer to that would be his answer.
Trialbyfire Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 True enough. His spouse has to be part of the resolution, otherwise he's just pi##ing in the wind as far as making the marriage work. I wasn't sure if she bent over quickly because she felt guilty and understood if he wanted 'out' or if that is what she really wanted. I thought it if the OP did ask her to leave her job, her answer to that would be his answer. That's a good thought but an affair can continue even after she leaves her job. I'm a tad cynical about how well someone who has lied to him 4 to 5 times, can keep her word.
Micke81 Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 She promises that she will never commit this mistake again and wants to see if we can work it out. What should I do? Everytime I see her I picture her kissing someone else. What advise can you give me, I love her a lot and we have 3 kids. She even said that she understood and that if I wanted to break up she would go back home to her mom who lives in another state and she just requested that I dont do anything to take the kids. Can you help? It sounds to me that she does want to work on it, but understands she hurt her family and giving her husband an out if he wants it. I agree with climbergirl that the OP will have the answer to how much she is willing to work on it when he asks her to change jobs...
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