What do I do now?

[nottoobright]

So here I sit at 3:30 in the morning, pouring my heart out to nameless, faceless people hoping for someone to respond to me with something that might even remotely resemble affection. Or as much affection as you can offer someone who is also nameless and faceless. Maybe it is sympathy I am looking for, someone who can sympathize with what I am going through. No it is affection that I am needing.

 

It was a decent night for us, though a little on the expensive side for me. We dropped his son and mine at the mall, I gave them both some spending money so they could eat and do a little shopping or whatever, we took his daughter out to play bingo then we went to walmart to do some shopping for the house. When we came home and got the kids squared away for the night Jim locked the bedroom door, that is usually a sign that he is in the mood and we shared a mango and planned on watching a movie together. I was happy, it has been so long since he's been intimate with me. She didn't take the kids tonight because she traded this weekend for next weekend. At least I didn't have to see the ugly skank.

 

I saw his phone laying on the bed so I picked it up and started poking at it a little which really irritated him. He said something about having to give up all his F'ing privacy, I asked him if I was not allowed to look in his phone and he told me he'd talk to whoever the "F" he wanted to. Of course a little bit of an arguement ensued and I brought up the fact that he STILL hasn't gone to get himself tested. He informed me that if I got any disease from him it is my fault because I came back to him.

 

Naturally the arguement went from bad to worse. I think he did that just because he didn't want to be intimate with me. I don't know what is wrong with me, why he doesn't want me. I'm not unattractive, I'm a few pounds overweight but just thick, not fat. I don't smell, I'm clean and it's not like I'm a total prude. He just doesn't want me.

 

What do I do now? If I leave him, where do I go? How will I trust anyone ever again? Am I going to bring this baggage with me into the next relationship and at 40 years old who is going to want a twice married woman with 2 kids? Especially one who is as bitter as I have become. I am so lonely, even just for conversation that doesn't involve cheating, ex wives or lawsuits and money. I'm all chopped up and my legs are full of scars, if I ever did get involved with someone else how do I explain that?

 

I don't know what I did or who I hurt to deserve this. I am a good mother, I'm a good wife, I'm even a good person. I've done everything I know to do for this man and still I live like this. As ashamed as I am to say it the thought of finding someone else seems almost like a good idea right now. Its been over a month since I've even so much as felt his hand on mine.

 

I feel like I'm lost and getting more and more lost every day. I don't even remember who I am anymore, I don't recognize the woman that looks back at me from the mirror. How did I get here and why am I here.

 

What do I do now???

[LakesideDream]

It's been six plus years since D-day for me, and I think I'm over being bitter, at least with everyone but a couple of best friends. Occasionally I still gift them a little "ex-wife bitterness" so there is hope of sorts.

 

I've read your other posts and it seems you are just about out of options. It's no fun (thus no positive reinforcment) living in a contentious household.

 

I haven't been able to supress my suspision and lack of trust in others yet, maybe I never will. I listen to people, including ladies I am dating and think, "that's nice" knowing in my heart that words are nearly meaningless without history. I even had a woman (in her mid 40's no kid) profess her "true love" to me.. which didn't have the desired result, I enjoyed her company but wasn't in love with her (no I didn't even love her like a friend) And I decided that the only reasonable and moral thing to do was slow down, and break it off.

 

Result? She married a guy she had "known" online seven weeks after I stopped dating her. I actually laughed out loud when I heard about it.

 

I do have love in my heart and soul though. The reality is that I may never be able to enjoy it. I can hope and dream though, and so can you.

 

LakesideDream, yes there is a lady by the lake.

[PandorasBox]

I asked him if I was not allowed to look in his phone and he told me he'd talk to whoever the "F" he wanted to. Of course a little bit of an arguement ensued and I brought up the fact that he STILL hasn't gone to get himself tested. He informed me that if I got any disease from him it is my fault because I came back to him.

 

 

He is just one big ball of disrespect. And its typical behavior of some one who doesn't want to own up to things,or, deal with things, because its easier for him to blame someone else, YOU.

 

 

 

I don't know what I did or who I hurt to deserve this.

 

You didn't do anything, its not your fault. Once you understand this and truly believe it, maybe you'll be able to move on.

 

I don't recognize the woman that looks back at me from the mirror. How did I get here and why am I here.

 

What do I do now???

You make a choice on what you feel is best for you and your kids. Seek outside counseling, and seek help from friends and family. The longer you stay in this mess, the longer he will have you where he wants you and continue to disrespect you. Respect yourself and kids, do what you know in your heart is right.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I just went back and read your threads. The problem isn't that you are in love with Jim so much as you are afraid to be alone. Fear of being alone will make you accept some pretty awful sh*t in your life, and that is exactly what you are doing. You are figuring that being with Jim might suck, but it beats being alone. You cling to the tiniest glimmers of what seems like peaceful and happy moments with Jim, and even though they are very few and far between - you still hang on because those few precious moments are better than no moments at all.

 

I know where you are coming from. You see yourself as a three strike woman: you are 40, overweight, and have kids. No man would want a woman like that when he can have a younger, fit woman with no children from some other man, right? It sucks to be stuck in that mindset but I know exactly where you are coming from. That thought runs through my mind all the time. I worry about what will happen if my relationship ends - then who the f*ck is going to want me? Its natural to think this way. Don't let anyone tell you it isn't - it is called FEAR. You don't suppress it, you don't pretend its something it isn't - you FACE it head on. Dissect it. Figure out why you feel that way, and pick it apart from the inside out. You want to know the secret? Its pretty simple and sometimes I want to smash people's teeth out when they say it... but its true. If you don't love and accept yourself, then you will never be happy regardless of who you are with. All you will ever be able to do is bury your unhappiness and deflect your mind away from it. But its still there. You don't notice it when you are with someone, because you can tell yourself that your happiness lies with that person. What happens when that person is gone? You are stuck with the person you most dislike: yourself.

 

You will have to consider some serious counseling to untangle your mind right now. You are thinking about your body, your situation, and all that - but right now what needs to change most is your perception. You think so low of yourself right now, that you have convinced yourself that Jim is your best shot in life. From the outside, that is horrifying to think that someone who treats you so poorly would be seen as a good thing in your life - when you get some help with changing your perspectives you'll be able to see that too. Then you can work on your body. Then you can consider medical options for your scars - why then? Because you'll be doing it for you, not Jim or anyone else. You'll start to feel like you deserve better in life, and you'll be able to look for happiness in your life rather than accept someone's else's abusive sh*t and pretend it makes you happy (or at least content enough to stick with him).

 

Open up your phone book. If you are tight on money, look for your local Dept. of Social Services. There will be patient services in there, and look for the psych services. Places like that base your fees on your income. Its a first step, and you have to decide to take it.

 

You hold the keys to your own cage. Time to use them to let yourself out.

[lostboy60645]

Well, we've all voted and we all agree that Jim's F'd up, you are afraid to be alone and have a poor self-image, and that you need three things:

 

1. Time

 

2. Counseling

 

3. More Time

 

Why time twice? Well, first you need time away from Jim, time to think about who you will call for counseling and how to pay for it.

 

The social services idea is a great one. You can also contact the local hospital's psychiatric ward and ask to talk to the social worker for a referral to some affordable counseling.

 

Then, after the counseling, you, like all of us who have been damaged, need time to heal your wounds. It seems like just knowing the source of our pain and some solutions to get better is not enough.

 

There's a lot of grieving that you'll need to do regarding the losses you've had in your life.

 

The good news is, there will be a lot more enjoyment of your life, even during the counseling and grieving process.

 

I pray you find the serentity that comes from taking steps forward in recovering your life.

[East of Jupiter]

LostBoy and Lucrezia -

 

Just had to say you two offer such great perspective and advice. I am always guaranteed to glean something from your responses.

 

Lakeside, you lift my spirits and give me hope. Thank you.

 

I think it would be helpful if she read about emotional abuse so that she can learn to spot it and maybe start to get that perspective Lucrezia speaks of.