Look at me...."coping" again.....

[Teacher's Pet]

It's been 14 months since this all began for me..... the breakup, the depression, the "finding the new me", the friendships I've made..... so much has happened, I'd need to track down all my old posts here to remember it all.....

 

Sadly, right now, I'm remembering one key thing...

 

I'm still very much suffering from depression over everything, and it really doesn't want to go away.

 

I don't know what it is.... the lack of any real dates in the last couple of months..... the stress (mainly self-induced) at work, my "living arrangments" changing on a daily basis (a whole other topic for another time), I really don't know what the hell it is, anymore.

 

I'm lonely.

 

I know, considering everything I post on here that it sounds odd coming from me, but I really am.

 

Maybe I'm being selfish. There are people who would do anything to have the kind of friends I have, but there's only so much friends can do for you.

 

I know when I debate politics on here, I come across as a fairly hard-core conservative, but deep down, my heart beats like everyone else's.

 

Maybe part of my conservative nature comes not from dismissing the plight of others, but wanting to mask my own.

 

If I were to describe myself emotionally at this stage of the game... I'd describe myself as lonely, sometimes emotionally withdrawn, but mainly.... lost.

 

I feel like I've done everything I can to fight it. I've become more social... I've adopted new hobbies (to an extent)... I've even started working out again.

 

I'm doing all the "right things" to work through this, but even now, at 1:15am, as I sit here at my computer in my very depressing bedroom... I just feel like I'm falling apart inside all over again.

 

I'm just really, really lost right now.

 

My job is going pretty well, despite some personal grudges I have at work, but things are improving.....my mother's health seems to be ok still, and I'm helping her get ready to finally move out again (though the destination seems to change almost daily with her).....I go out with friends at least once a week.....

 

But still.... I'm so miserable. I guess on LS, it's easy to hide these things, but I've spent most of the last 2 hours crying at my computer desk for no better reason than being lonely. Hell, I've been crying while on AIM with my best friend, and she doesn't even know I feel like banging my head in the wall as we chat. Ok, well now she probably does. lol

 

But seriously, I guess I was raised in a household with "too much love", because despite the fact that things really aren't going that bad for me, I am lonely and feel completely empty inside. They say love is "what makes the world go 'round", and in my world, that's pretty much how it is.

 

I don't want to just grab the next woman I meet and marry her, but I want to experience that "spark" again. A spark I've only felt twice in my life, and maybe a 3rd time if you count my "near miss" 3 months ago.

 

I guess it's just been a long year for me, and the toughest months are yet to come. I have an anniversary to "dwell on" in just a few weeks, something I'd love to just "shake" from my head, but something that will live with me for the rest of my life.

 

And of course, I have the holidays coming up, which as anyone coping with depression knows, is the *worst* time of year. This year, I wont even have my beloved Ren to snuggle with at night waiting for Santa.

 

Yes, I know I'm Jewish.

 

It just feels like things were starting to come together in my life, but now, little by little, my perceived happiness, my emotional strength, and my will to fight is just being drained a bit more every day.

 

Maybe I'm just losing my mind. Maybe I'm just lonely.

 

Or maybe, I'm just fu**ed up in the head, but even my former therapist didn't think that.

 

If I can make it through the rest of the year without a nervous breakdown, I'll consider myself lucky.

 

Until then, I'll put on my happy face, dish out some crude di*k jokes, and be the "me" everyone expects to see on a daily basis at work, at play, and even here.

 

After all, even if I'm letting myself down, why should I do that to others, right?

 

-tp

just.... lost.

[Kamille]

But seriously, I guess I was raised in a household with "too much love", because despite the fact that things really aren't going that bad for me, I am lonely and feel completely empty inside. They say love is "what makes the world go 'round", and in my world, that's pretty much how it is.

 

 

I really can relate to this one. Being single and living alone sometimes seems unnatural to me considering my loving family upbringing.

 

But hey TP, here's a hug ((TP))

 

When I feel really sad I try to remind myself that sadness is just can be just as much of an illusion as happiness. I don't think one is truer then the other. Tonight - and likely the last few weeks - you feel sad, but the fact that you have felt happy in the last months is proof that even sadness is temporary.

 

Also, I think what you are going through is all part of the post-heartbreak transitions. Healing takes a long time and for some reason, last April, I could have written something along the lines of what you just wrote. I felt LONELY.

 

I think the lonely phase is just the transition between us really letting go of somebody - realizing Wait, that means I'm alone- and slowly sliding into a lifestyle that will lead us to our next love.

 

It's really late here and I really feel like I am not writing clearly.

 

But anyways... big hug!

[burning 4 revenge]

I think you're hoping too much. You're getting at an age now where the liklihood of a life-long relationship is really diminshing. Try and be realistic and re-assess your priorities. Look at life as if it won't happen and not as if you're waiting for it to happen. Don't worry about being happy, accept and embrace lonliness and try and use that negative energy as a sword to cut through setbacks in other aspects of your life. Don't just pretend to be hard, become hard

[underpants]

I think the lonely phase is just the transition between us really letting go of somebody - realizing Wait, that means I'm alone- and slowly sliding into a lifestyle that will lead us to our next love.

 

Look at us, the only survivors adrift in the same raft. Not all alone. (Go ahead TP, insert dirty humor).

 

The wait is always worth it. This I have learned a time or two, or three, or four....

 

Recently I told Aria that I thought she was one step away from her next romantic encounter. TP I sense that you are a mere 2. I am sure you will look to her bootay for guidance.

 

I think you're hoping too much. You're getting at an age now where the liklihood of a life-long relationship is really diminshing. Try and be realistic and re-assess your priorities. Look at life as if it won't happen and not as if you're waiting for it to happen. Don't worry about being happy, accept and embrace lonliness and try and use that negative energy as a sword to cut through setbacks in other aspects of your life. Don't just pretend to be hard, become hard

 

Now this is uplifting. TP, enjoy the journey. Even the quiet times.

[Trialbyfire]

Until then, I'll put on my happy face, dish out some crude di*k jokes, and be the "me" everyone expects to see on a daily basis at work, at play, and even here.

 

 

Firstly tp, don't do that on LS. If you feel like being down, that's fine too. It's what LS is for, to help each other out. Don't force it, okay?

 

I do understand your emptiness. Once you've had a meaningful relationship filled with love, you do crave the closeness, sometimes desperately, that you once shared.

 

I don't have words to help you on this tp but I know you will find someone special one day. You're a smart and talented guy full of life and laughter. Don't let life drag you down. ((tp))

[Teacher's Pet]

Don't just pretend to be hard, become hard

 

Can I make one of those "crude d*ck jokes" here?

 

Hey, I'm trying.

 

-tp

probably had a bit too much w(h)ine today. lol

[Teacher's Pet]

Hey guys, thanks.....you are all too cute.

 

Consider this is what happens when I attend a wine tasting before leaving work.

 

I'm not much of a wine drinker, so I *just* figured out what the big bucket was for

 

I'm fine... it was just an emotional outburst a few weeks in the making. I still can't sleep, but I'm ok.

 

-tp

this is what happens when you mix chardonnay and cabernet sauvignon.

[MagnoliaJane]

tp,

 

I'm gonna throw some European thoughts in here.

 

We learn to live together and then we die alone.

 

Yes, I know Americans think Europeans are chronically depressed. Maybe we are but that's beside the point.

 

My point is that perhaps you are experiencing some existential loneliness here. Perhaps it is a void that can not be filled by a relationship. Maybe it can be filled by the first stages of a relationship, but after the dopamine-induced honeymoon phase wears off, relationships are a lot of hard work and compromising. Anyway, I just wanted to ask you if you have ever felt like this while you were in a long-term relationship, this sadness, this emptiness?

 

I did. Nobody could take it away.

 

Maybe it's the human condition because after living this life we all, well... you know.

 

I believe it is good to embrace the feeling of loneliness. Fill yourself up. Fill yourself with you, be your own king.

 

It's good to feel, even if the feelings suck! Be proud that you are feeling so much, there are people out there who do not experience the depth of your emotions.

 

Today's a new day. If today you're feeling the same way there always is a tomorrow. Be patient. Feel.

 

-MJ

[Teacher's Pet]

Anyway, I just wanted to ask you if you have ever felt like this while you were in a long-term relationship, this sadness, this emptiness?

 

I did, at times, in my last relationship, because she treated me like garbage.... But no, when I'm in a happy relationship, I'm HAPPY.

 

I don't think a relationship is the "cure-all" for me, but it would definately take care of the feelings of loneliness......

 

-tp

or, maybe i just need to get laid?

[Lizzie60]

TP... light up...

 

I know how you feel...been there not that long ago. I was miserable for about 2 years... then, I just got out of my loneliness, now I would not change one thing.

 

One thing that caught my attention... you said 'in your depressing room'... maybe you need to make some changes in your house.

 

One advice, get a new 'decor' (I know this sounds 'girlie' but I know it works)... rearrange your room, your house or your appart... new colour, new decorations, new furniture... it does wonder for your soul.

 

Do something that will make you feel better, then if you feel 'positive' you will 'attract' positive energy...

 

Keep posting... sometimes a good post like this where you 'spill your guts out' is a good therapy... use it.

 

Big, ((HUGE hug)) ...

[KittenMoon]

Alas, TP, I do this too. Random crying. Extreme loneliness. Strong desire to find my one to marry and love. And my patience wears thin, as I still miss my ex frequently, all while seeing my friends marry these sickeningly wonderful people.

 

I think some people simply thrive in relationships. Sometimes the years with my ex come flooding back, and I remember how happy I was. And I continue to feel nothing but shock as to how our relationship faded. In the past year an a half, despite the miles of accomplishment I've made as a person, I know something is amiss, and that I simply do not feel happiness or fulfillment the way I did. If it weren't for this, I don't think I'd miss him half as much.

 

But like I said, I think some people are the best of themselves in relationships. That doesn't mean they're doormats, or submissive, or insecure. I think it just means that "alone", even when surrounded by friends and family, is harder for them. I know how hard it is for me.

[Kamille]

Alas, TP, I do this too. Random crying. Extreme loneliness. Strong desire to find my one to marry and love. And my patience wears thin, as I still miss my ex frequently, all while seeing my friends marry these sickeningly wonderful people.

 

I think some people simply thrive in relationships. Sometimes the years with my ex come flooding back, and I remember how happy I was. And I continue to feel nothing but shock as to how our relationship faded. In the past year an a half, despite the miles of accomplishment I've made as a person, I know something is amiss, and that I simply do not feel happiness or fulfillment the way I did. If it weren't for this, I don't think I'd miss him half as much.

 

But like I said, I think some people are the best of themselves in relationships. That doesn't mean they're doormats, or submissive, or insecure. I think it just means that "alone", even when surrounded by friends and family, is harder for them. I know how hard it is for me.

 

I remember reading somewhere that ours is the era of human history with the most people living alone. Up until the 1950s, it was in fact very rare, even for singles, to live alone. Most single women and men alike would stay within the family structure. This increase in people living alone coincides with the peak of the celebration of romantic love -and lower levels of poverty. Up until the 1950s, arranged marriages were still practiced, even in North America.

 

So in a way, humans living alone is brand new and new society structures are emerging because of this. Friendship does become more important. Spaces of socialization abound.

 

Humans still strive for company, whether this is an innate characteristic or how we have always socially constructed our ideals. Romantic love did not really figure into marriage arrangements up until the emergence of a 'middle class' back in the XVIIIth century - and back then was reserved for the middle classes. The Aristocracy and the working class both had to rely on arranged marriages - one to insure its legacy, the other to survive.

 

All that to say. hmmmm. don't feel bad. It isn't your fault. It's society's.

[AriaIncognito]

I think the biggest mistake that most of us "copers" are guilty of is the fact that we give the fate of our happiness away to someone else.

 

By this, I mean we believe that theres no possible way that we can truly be happy "unless".

 

That unless list can be a garden variety of things. Unless I lose 100lbs. Unless I looked like <insert some hot persons name here>. Unless I got a better job. Unless I were funnier. Unless I were stronger. Unless i had 15 cats. Unless I made 100k a year.

 

We set these goals for ourselves and basically say to ourselves "this is when you are allowed to be happy". For me, currently that list would be "when you get promoted, find a boyfriend and lose 50lbs". Then I can be happy.

 

However, this is no way to live. Do you think people that have literally nothing are happy about it? No. But some of these people can be the happiest you'll ever meet. Why? Because they don't set their happiness tied to things they might or might not get. They are truly people who understand being thankful.

 

Maybe we as Americans have grown away from understanding how to be thankful, and maybe Thanksgiving is just a day to overstuff yourself.

 

I know this sounds like a crock, or sounds harsh, or really doesn't provide any solace, but I think if you think about it, you'll see that it's exactly what you, me, KittenMoon, I could prob go on and on are doing to ourselves.

 

Don't tie your hopes on someone elses kite. Be your own.

 

And not for nothing, I also agree with the poster, I think it was lizzie, that said you should redecorate. That always makes me feel better, if not distracted. Going out to pick things out, bringing them home, fixing up the place. Makes you feel good to improve your surroundings.

 

Also, cleaning the place up could help to. Chaos around you can help create chaos within you. (you recently told me your place looked like Baghdad -sp)

 

Nobody here can do anything to help you attain the happiness you feel you want, but we can be here to listen and give advice. You are creating your own fate, so what are you doing to change it....

[Tormented]

I'm still very much suffering from depression over everything, and it really doesn't want to go away.

 

Maybe I'm just losing my mind. Maybe I'm just lonely.

 

just.... lost.

 

I know EXACTLY where you're coming from, TP. Oh Lord....do I know.

 

~T~

[Teacher's Pet]

One advice, get a new 'decor' (I know this sounds 'girlie' but I know it works)... rearrange your room, your house or your appart... new colour, new decorations, new furniture... it does wonder for your soul.

 

I'm actually about to re-do my whole place.

 

Was out pricing furniture today

 

-tp

this old craphole

[Teacher's Pet]

I think the biggest mistake that most of us "copers" are guilty of is the fact that we give the fate of our happiness away to someone else.

 

By this, I mean we believe that theres no possible way that we can truly be happy "unless".

 

That unless list can be a garden variety of things. Unless I lose 100lbs. Unless I looked like <insert some hot persons name here>. Unless I got a better job. Unless I were funnier. Unless I were stronger. Unless i had 15 cats. Unless I made 100k a year.

 

We set these goals for ourselves and basically say to ourselves "this is when you are allowed to be happy". For me, currently that list would be "when you get promoted, find a boyfriend and lose 50lbs". Then I can be happy.

 

However, this is no way to live. Do you think people that have literally nothing are happy about it? No. But some of these people can be the happiest you'll ever meet. Why? Because they don't set their happiness tied to things they might or might not get. They are truly people who understand being thankful.

 

Maybe we as Americans have grown away from understanding how to be thankful, and maybe Thanksgiving is just a day to overstuff yourself.

 

I know this sounds like a crock, or sounds harsh, or really doesn't provide any solace, but I think if you think about it, you'll see that it's exactly what you, me, KittenMoon, I could prob go on and on are doing to ourselves.

 

Don't tie your hopes on someone elses kite. Be your own.

 

And not for nothing, I also agree with the poster, I think it was lizzie, that said you should redecorate. That always makes me feel better, if not distracted. Going out to pick things out, bringing them home, fixing up the place. Makes you feel good to improve your surroundings.

 

Also, cleaning the place up could help to. Chaos around you can help create chaos within you. (you recently told me your place looked like Baghdad -sp)

 

Nobody here can do anything to help you attain the happiness you feel you want, but we can be here to listen and give advice. You are creating your own fate, so what are you doing to change it....

 

I know....

 

Well, I will be fixing up this sh*thole VERY soon. That's something I'm very much looking forward to. New sofa, dining set, I'm even turning an old piece of furniture into a bar. I'm going to be doing very much with very little (as my ex would refer to my sexual ability)

 

But what else am I doing to change my fate? I'm not sure, but I think it will start with giving my best friend a huge hug when I see her in a few hours.

 

-tp

come and get it

 

P.S. I inserted a name back there.

[KittenMoon]

I think the biggest mistake that most of us "copers" are guilty of is the fact that we give the fate of our happiness away to someone else.

 

By this, I mean we believe that theres no possible way that we can truly be happy "unless".

 

I can't really agree with this. I've discovered more wonderful people and things since my break-up than I ever thought possible. But these things don't make up for the lack of a partner when a partner is something you want.

 

If I wanted anyone else,I would have had them, in spades, right now. But I don't want just anyone- I want someone to share my life with, to connect with, to share affection and love and touch with. I cannot do this with my friends or family or hobbies or every damn beautiful butterfly in existence, etc etc etc.

 

I know this and freely admit it- and it's not a bad thing to want an SO in your life. But the curse is that it makes it very easy to look back when you're alone and had thought it was something you had with someone who is gone now.

[marty]

just getting over the end of a relationship also,, already been where you have been,, many times.

 

but my friend told me something,,, and i keep thinkin of it

 

'you dont know whats round the corner,, think of when you first met someone you fell for, you we're not expecting that to happen, it just happens,

 

when i met one of my partners, i was playing in a band, and she had came to the bar with a friend because the party she had been to was trash. she was just coming for a drink, nothing more,, iwas just workin,, nothin more,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, and we were together for 14 years.

 

have faith. just dont look for it,,, it'll happen all on its own,,,, just when you least expect it.

 

its what i have to think,, are i'll go crazy.

 

lifes too short,,,

[Lizzie60]

I'm actually about to re-do my whole place.

 

Was out pricing furniture today

 

-tp

this old craphole

 

If you need advice on decorating I'm here... I am an Interior Designer (have my diploma) but never did it as a career... I love that... just let me know if you need help.

[Teacher's Pet]

Tonight I spent the evening with friends, so I definately feel better.....

 

Ariawoman must have felt really bad that I was down, because she gave me the sweetest card, and then later in the evening, she let me eat her warm, moist pie after I shoved a dollar bill down her shirt.

 

I got my dollar back, and I swear, I won't spend it like I did the dollar my ex shoved in her panties once when we were playing striptease.

 

-tp

somehow, that dollar came back as 3 quarters, 2 dimes, a nickel, and some kind of lint.

[Teacher's Pet]

If you need advice on decorating I'm here... I am an Interior Designer (have my diploma) but never did it as a career... I love that... just let me know if you need help.

 

*looking around*

 

I don't think I need a decorating expert...maybe a demolitions expert!

 

-tp

like baghdad without the bullets

[Storyrider]

tp, I hope you feel better soon. It sounds like your decorating plans will keep you active and goal oriented, which I know helps me feel better when I'm down.

 

I just have to hijack a tiny bit to tell Marty--I love the way I can hear your accent in your posts.

[Mollyanna]

Tonight I spent the evening with friends, so I definately feel better.....

 

Ariawoman must have felt really bad that I was down, because she gave me the sweetest card, and then later in the evening, she let me eat her warm, moist pie after I shoved a dollar bill down her shirt.

 

I got my dollar back, and I swear, I won't spend it like I did the dollar my ex shoved in her panties once when we were playing striptease.

 

-tp

somehow, that dollar came back as 3 quarters, 2 dimes, a nickel, and some kind of lint.

 

TP, Glad you are feeling better. I just now read this whole thread. I feel like you and I have our mood swings at the same time!! Were you PMSing too? Maybe we are sooo close that we are now in synch. lol

 

Love ya TP. Hoping the best for you. I can't really give any good advice because I am feeling the same way you described - lonely and lost. But I think we can both make it out alive. Perhaps we need to focus on other things besides relationships. Maybe we should give them up for a while. Wow, I can't believe I just said that. Me who 15 minutes ago was sorting through old emails and re-reading things from an old boyfriend from 2 years ago. Why do we make ourselves suffer?

 

I've heard a million times from so many people - that I must like myself first. I'm working on that. Are you?

[Teacher's Pet]

TP, Glad you are feeling better. I just now read this whole thread. I feel like you and I have our mood swings at the same time!! Were you PMSing too? Maybe we are sooo close that we are now in synch. lol

 

Love ya TP. Hoping the best for you. I can't really give any good advice because I am feeling the same way you described - lonely and lost. But I think we can both make it out alive. Perhaps we need to focus on other things besides relationships. Maybe we should give them up for a while. Wow, I can't believe I just said that. Me who 15 minutes ago was sorting through old emails and re-reading things from an old boyfriend from 2 years ago. Why do we make ourselves suffer?

 

I've heard a million times from so many people - that I must like myself first. I'm working on that. Are you?

 

*runs up and snuggles his DS*

 

I'm starting to think (ok, not really JUST starting) that you're right.....

 

It's just too much work finding a relationship. LOL

 

Maybe I should just start with looking to get laid... always an easier goal to attain.

 

Heck, last night at the place we hang out at, I ran into that chick from my old bar I had to drive home and almost slept with - until she threw up on my tires I have to admit, she looked pretty nice last night. At one point I actually went over and started talking to her a little, but I kept reminding myself that she's a lush Of course, being the bartender at her former hangout, I think I have to accept a LITTLE of the blame for that, but it was always fun watching her get drunk and dancing seductively by the jukebox.

 

It's these damned morals I have that keep me from having a wild time.

 

So anyhow... when are you and your cute little tushy coming back to visit us?

Love ya too.

 

-tp

surrounded by hotties

[Curmudgeon]

You're getting at an age now where the liklihood of a life-long relationship is really diminshing.

 

What age would that be? I'm truly curious.

 

TP, during the two years and some months I lived like a monk post-separation and post-divorce, I, too, felt lonely at times. I was holed-up in a small apartment, without a car and my world seemed to revolve around work and nothing else.

 

I made use of that time reading, working out, journaling and above all, examining my entire past and reinventing myself. There were things about me I needed to change and other things I wanted to change. It all kept me well occupied, especially my mind. Loneliness didn't really have great opportunity to intrude upon my solitude and looking back, I now prize those years for the benefits they provided.

 

As for my question of B4R, I was 48 when it all began and 50 when I first asked out and later married my wife. I really have no idea of the age of diminishment of the ability to enter into a life-long relationship. I always thought it was whatever age your heart stopped beating.