underpants Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 unders, I need someone who can continue to challenge me intellectually but doesn't want to play games with the emotional side. Either you're in or you're out. Perhaps this is the type of challenge you need. That sounds awesome. Where do I find one of those?
Trialbyfire Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 That sounds awesome. Where do I find one of those? Good question... I'm dating one right now, who I think is one of those guys. We'll see though.
Kamille Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Yea, maybe I am only kicking them in the nuts whilst also kicking them to the curb. :D Oh no! spewed coffee on the keyboard! Dammit Unders! Shadow, how are you doing? I have a few questions for you. We are answering here on the general topic that you brought up, but what I got from reading your other threads is that you are worried that this will happen with this guy you are seeing. Has anything changed between you two recently that would make you worry about this? I guess I am kind of hoping you can tell us more specifically about your fears. I want to go back to what I said about revealing emotions and feelings insecurity. I still think that in this case it is important for you to keep the two separated but I also think that deep down, what you are wondering is whether or not you should wait to feel 'safer' in the relationship before revealing the more vulnerable side of yourself. First off, it is important for you to keep working on your self-confidence. But feeling self-confident doesn't mean acting like you have everything under control all the time. Rather, it's more learning how to negociate tricky situations that make you feel vulnerable. Knowing, in other words, that you've got your own back no matter what happens. The fact is, two months is about the time when you can start sharing some of your vulnerabilities and concerns. He might not react well to this, or, like the case about your worries about his ex girlfriend, he might actually be able to reassure you. So don't be afraid to talk about the stuff that bothers you. Start small. It isn't easy at first. You don't need to put it all on the table at once. Focus on how the two of you deal with issues -that is whether or not you both manage to communicate your feelings and be there for each other. Yet, how you both deal with each other's vulnerabilities should be a prerequisite to the two of you falling in love, not vice-versa. So don't be afraid to be yourself, vulnerable or uberconfident.
lino Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Girls... you need to be a challege! Can't speak for other guys but I'd love for once to be with a girl who isn't a challenge. I have enough challenges elsewhere, I just want a girl who respects me as much as I do her.
halfarock Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 Don't play games. If you find a gamer, run like the wind. Be yourself from the start. No pretending confidence if you don't have it or any other attribute to get the guy or girl. If they lose interest, their loss. The right person for you, will not run. unders, I need someone who can continue to challenge me intellectually but doesn't want to play games with the emotional side. Either you're in or you're out. Perhaps this is the type of challenge you need. Usually I tend to be on the opposing side of what Trialbyfire says but in this thread she is the most reasonable voice. This whole thing about guys and girls thinking that they can’t let the other know their true feelings, or the extent of those feelings for fear of scaring away the other is IMO just a game borne out of insecurities - an unnecessary game that only confuses things. It is a game played in high school, as adults it is immature. If you think about it, if you’re dating and hanging out, it is really silly to deny the obvious. With every woman who I lost interest in, it was because after about 2 -4 months she seemed to have nothing else to say. Always, the women who I’ve liked and loved the most have been the ones that seemed to always have something new and fresh to say, to show, to reveal…
sweetbutcheeky Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 Yes... some people are in love with being in love. Shakespeare even pokes fun at this with his character Romeo. Thus I call these people Romantics, more in love with the feeling than the person. I don't agree that romantics are in love with being in love. A romantic is personality type and how someone expresses their personality and passion. You are or aren't but doesn't mean that your in love with being in love. Just is how you express it. I am a romantic at heart and there are things that I miss which you would call romantic, but doesn't mean I would date someone just to experience it. Has to be with someone special. I miss holding hands, spending a night in just the 2 of us, doing little things special for each other and I could go on. But my point is, it's just creepy and doesn't mean a thing if it's just anyone. They have to be special and/or in love with that person for those things to be romantic. Hope I explained that correctly lol I need to get some sleep.
sweetbutcheeky Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 Someone who can continue to challenge me intellectually but doesn't want to play games with the emotional side. Either you're in or you're out. The million dollar question is, where are they hiding? One of those would be very refreshing!! LOL I say those like it's an object. Oh well
Trialbyfire Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 The million dollar question is, where are they hiding? One of those would be very refreshing!! LOL I say those like it's an object. Oh well Well of course, where and when you least expect to find them and at the time, you'd rather they not be there because you've decided they don't exist.
Author shadowplay Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 :D Oh no! spewed coffee on the keyboard! Dammit Unders! Shadow, how are you doing? I have a few questions for you. We are answering here on the general topic that you brought up, but what I got from reading your other threads is that you are worried that this will happen with this guy you are seeing. Has anything changed between you two recently that would make you worry about this? I guess I am kind of hoping you can tell us more specifically about your fears. I want to go back to what I said about revealing emotions and feelings insecurity. I still think that in this case it is important for you to keep the two separated but I also think that deep down, what you are wondering is whether or not you should wait to feel 'safer' in the relationship before revealing the more vulnerable side of yourself. First off, it is important for you to keep working on your self-confidence. But feeling self-confident doesn't mean acting like you have everything under control all the time. Rather, it's more learning how to negociate tricky situations that make you feel vulnerable. Knowing, in other words, that you've got your own back no matter what happens. The fact is, two months is about the time when you can start sharing some of your vulnerabilities and concerns. He might not react well to this, or, like the case about your worries about his ex girlfriend, he might actually be able to reassure you. So don't be afraid to talk about the stuff that bothers you. Start small. It isn't easy at first. You don't need to put it all on the table at once. Focus on how the two of you deal with issues -that is whether or not you both manage to communicate your feelings and be there for each other. Yet, how you both deal with each other's vulnerabilities should be a prerequisite to the two of you falling in love, not vice-versa. So don't be afraid to be yourself, vulnerable or uberconfident. Thanks, this is a very considerate and helpful response. I hadn't checked this thread in a bit so I just saw it. We seem to be doing pretty well at the moment. He actually just moved to NY yesterday (he's taking classes there). So our relationship will be LD until the Spring when I will be moving there as well to go to school. He's told me, though, that he will take a 5 hr bus every weekend to see me in Boston. I offered to visit him every other week in NY so he's not making a million trips. He imed me today and we spoke for about an hour. He was sweet. He seems pretty committed to me from what I can make out. Right before he left for NY we spent practically all our time together. Saw each other every night and most of the days. Nevertheless there are a few things that worry me. Granted I tend to be a worrywart, but I'll mention them anyway. One is I often clam up around him to the point that my mind goes blank and he does most o the talking. Some days when I see him I feel like we've reached a new level of closeness and I'm finally free and easy but then the next day I get inexplicably self conscious/uncomfortable and it's like he's a stranger again. I still feel like he doesn't really know me because I'm too nervous to be myself around him. I'm very quiet and sort of unemotional around him, and that's very different from how I am when I'm really at ease. I know you're supposed to get more comfortable with time, but I'm worried that I'll get in the habit of acting a certain way around him and never get over this hump. I've been debating whether I should share this with him or not. I even wrote up an email about it that I might paste here. The second thing is a few weeks ago he seemed completely smitten with me and was always showering me with compliments and going on about how amazing it was that he had me, how lucky he felt, etc etc (I'm pretty sure he was being sincere too since he seemed positively giddy at times)...That's sort of cooled down by now. He's no less affectionate in other ways, but I'm wondering if the lack of compliments indicates a change of heart or just the fact that he's no longer 'courting' me per se. A lot of that seemed to come right before we had sex, so maybe that's part of it. I guess I long for somebody to be passionate about me and I'm concerned that any passion he had has died down for whatever reason. Perhaps it's because of my inability to open up and be myself in his presence. I know that the honeymoon phase can't last forever, but it seems like it usually lasts longer than a mere week or two. My feelings for him haven't changed. I feel that I am in love with him (haven't told him though). I'm wondering why he hasn't said that he loves me yet, especially after his burst of passion two weeks ago. Maybe it's too soon? I'm pretty inexperienced so I don't know how long it usually takes. Sometimes I worry that our connection is mostly physical, and that his feelings for me are completely sexual (not romantic). I guess it's the fact that he shows his affection mostly in a physical manner. He's very touchy in public...he's constantly holding my hand, wrapping his arm around my waist, stroking my hair, even kissing me around other people. He's pretty cuddly in bed too. But when it comes to the verbal affection I don't get much from him. I guess I wonder how he could have anything but sexual feelings for me when I'm so shy and quiet around him most of the time.
Author shadowplay Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 here's the email i drafted that i may or may not send. any suggestions are of course welcome... i'll skip the intro and get to the main part: perhaps you've interpreted my demeanor as a bit cold or guarded at times. i hope the way i feel shines through my cynical surface. because i really like you i haven't wanted to mess things up by talking about serious things early on. i've taken that to an extreme by revealing very little of myself. my default when i'm uncomfortable is to get quiet, though naturally i'm not that way. there have been times around you where i wanted to say something but stopped or second guessed myself. naturally i'm pretty assertive and upfront, but sometimes around you that flies out the door. i respect your intelligence, and i'm touched by your sweetness, reflectiveness and optimism on the world. i have a strong desire to make you feel happy and loved. still, i feel like you don't really know me. (hopefully i'm not conjuring up a girls gone wild clip of what i'm really like.) like yourself, i'm a pretty complex person and probably a bit hard to read. maybe i'm going out on a limb, but you seem to share my fear of being vulnerable. one of the things i like about you is your lightness of heart, but i wonder if it doesn't conceal something more. i also suspect that you are the type that gets closer and then quickly pulls back. i'm somewhat guilty of the same dance, and it is this aspect of you that makes me hesitate. i'm used to dating guys who are the opposite - too mushy and open. blame it on the [-----] selection pool. people like that are easy to read, but i suspect there isn't much depth beneath the surface since they seem more schooled in the subject of themselves than anything else. i get easily irritated by people who talk excessively about their feelings because aside from the ickiness factor it paradoxically seems like a way of distancing themselves from enjoying the moment and other people. on the other hand, i think one shouldn't stay completely guarded for fear of the opposite extreme. sometimes i feel so happy and close to somebody for a moment, and i wish i could just capture that moment, but it's impossible to sustain. i know i am overthinking this and should just let things naturally progress as we get to know each other better. at the same time, being direct like this feels kind of liberating so whatevah...as you would probably say. anyway, i've exceeded my mushiness quotient for one email. I hope you're doing good in da' hood. i miss you.
uniqueone Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 here's the email i drafted that i may or may not send. any suggestions are of course welcome... i'll skip the intro and get to the main part: perhaps you've interpreted my demeanor as a bit cold or guarded at times. i hope the way i feel shines through my cynical surface. because i really like you i haven't wanted to mess things up by talking about serious things early on. i've taken that to an extreme by revealing very little of myself. my default when i'm uncomfortable is to get quiet, though naturally i'm not that way. there have been times around you where i wanted to say something but stopped or second guessed myself. naturally i'm pretty assertive and upfront, but sometimes around you that flies out the door. i respect your intelligence, and i'm touched by your sweetness, reflectiveness and optimism on the world. i have a strong desire to make you feel happy and loved. still, i feel like you don't really know me. (hopefully i'm not conjuring up a girls gone wild clip of what i'm really like.) like yourself, i'm a pretty complex person and probably a bit hard to read. maybe i'm going out on a limb, but you seem to share my fear of being vulnerable. one of the things i like about you is your lightness of heart, but i wonder if it doesn't conceal something more. i also suspect that you are the type that gets closer and then quickly pulls back. i'm somewhat guilty of the same dance, and it is this aspect of you that makes me hesitate. i'm used to dating guys who are the opposite - too mushy and open. blame it on the [-----] selection pool. people like that are easy to read, but i suspect there isn't much depth beneath the surface since they seem more schooled in the subject of themselves than anything else. i get easily irritated by people who talk excessively about their feelings because aside from the ickiness factor it paradoxically seems like a way of distancing themselves from enjoying the moment and other people. on the other hand, i think one shouldn't stay completely guarded for fear of the opposite extreme. sometimes i feel so happy and close to somebody for a moment, and i wish i could just capture that moment, but it's impossible to sustain. i know i am overthinking this and should just let things naturally progress as we get to know each other better. at the same time, being direct like this feels kind of liberating so whatevah...as you would probably say. anyway, i've exceeded my mushiness quotient for one email. I hope you're doing good in da' hood. i miss you. I don't think I'd send it....shows too much over-thinking. I've sent those before. It sounds like a good idea at the time but later you're thinking to yourself "stupid, stupid, stupid....why did I SAY that???" This usually happens when you don't get the response you were hoping for. When they give you a response back that's really light and casual and their response sort of goes along the lines of "what in the world are you talking about shadowplay.......lighten up a bit...." Nope...don't send it.......(although if it were happening to me, I'll bet I would.......) Boy that was helpful wasn't it........
Cobra_X30 Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 I don't agree that romantics are in love with being in love. A romantic is personality type and how someone expresses their personality and passion. You are or aren't but doesn't mean that your in love with being in love. Just is how you express it. I am a romantic at heart and there are things that I miss which you would call romantic, but doesn't mean I would date someone just to experience it. Has to be with someone special. I miss holding hands, spending a night in just the 2 of us, doing little things special for each other and I could go on. But my point is, it's just creepy and doesn't mean a thing if it's just anyone. They have to be special and/or in love with that person for those things to be romantic. Hope I explained that correctly lol I need to get some sleep. I understand what your saying. Its not that guys who are Romantics dont think that the girl thier with is special. In fact they do. To distill the idea down to a fine point. When I reference a Romantic type, I speaking of those who believe that love is the intense chemical, passionate love that you get at the beggining of a relationship. When that feeling fades the romantic believes love has left the R.
lino Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 I'm wondering why he hasn't said that he loves me yet, especially after his burst of passion two weeks ago. Maybe it's too soon? I'm pretty inexperienced so I don't know how long it usually takes. If I was in his position I wouldn't have said it yet because yes, I think it's too soon. I dunno how long it usually takes either but in my opinion, in his situation with you it is too soon. He might also be wondering why you haven't said it to him. i know i am overthinking this and should just let things naturally progress as we get to know each other better In my opinion you shouldn't send that email because it isn't necessary. It would just show to him you're obssesing about things too much. I think you should do what I quoted you on above
Author shadowplay Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 If I was in his position I wouldn't have said it yet because yes, I think it's too soon. I dunno how long it usually takes either but in my opinion, in his situation with you it is too soon. He might also be wondering why you haven't said it to him. In my opinion you shouldn't send that email because it isn't necessary. It would just show to him you're obssesing about things too much. I think you should do what I quoted you on above Thanks for the sweet advice as always. Are you saying I should tell him I love him? I've wanted to many times, but I was scared of his response. Also, I guess I kind of want him to be the first one to say it...because then I'll worry he just said it because I did. Pretty neurotic, I know. This reminds me of an episode of Seinfeld. Not sure if you're a fan of the show, but there's an episode where George tells this girl he's seeing that he loves her and she doesn't say anything, but then he finds out she's deaf in one ear so she may not have heard it. Then he says it again and makes sure she hears it this time. Her response: "I heard you the first time."
Cobra_X30 Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 Thanks for the sweet advice as always. Are you saying I should tell him I love him? I've wanted to many times, but I was scared of his response. Also, I guess I kind of want him to be the first one to say it...because then I'll worry he just said it because I did. Pretty neurotic, I know. Dont focus on the words "I love you". Focus on the actions involved. Well thats what I always tell girls... LOL.
lino Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 Thanks for the sweet advice as always. Are you saying I should tell him I love him? I've wanted to many times, but I was scared of his response. Also, I guess I kind of want him to be the first one to say it...because then I'll worry he just said it because I did. Pretty neurotic, I know. This reminds me of an episode of Seinfeld. Not sure if you're a fan of the show, but there's an episode where George tells this girl he's seeing that he loves her and she doesn't say anything, but then he finds out she's deaf in one ear so she may not have heard it. Then he says it again and makes sure she hears it this time. Her response: "I heard you the first time." No problem I'm not saying you should tell him you love him, I'm in no position to do that because that's something only you can decide. I understand that most girls want the guy to be the 1st to say it but don't stress because he hasn't said it yet. Like I said before IMO it's quite soon & I think you said it best with this 'let things naturally progress as we get to know each other better' Yeah I love Seinfeld & I do remember that episode. I'd be real embarrased if that happened to me
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