sweetbutcheeky Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 In my experience, guys start out extremely interested at the beginning of the relationship, but soon, by the one or two month mark their interest fizzles. Why? I can't figure out if this is something about me or a guy thing in general. I've had guys tell me they love me and wax poetic early on, and then suddenly become lukewarm for no apparent reason as things progress. My behavior doesn't tend to change, so I can't figure out what the deal is. Does this just happen once guys finally get sex, or is something else going on? I'm talking about guys who aren't even players, to the very best of my knowledge. In fact they seem very sincere when they show affection early on, but it's like they suddenly decide they don't like me after a certain point. I can't seem to break out of this cycle. Just when I start to really fall for and trust a guy, he pulls away. It makes me feel like they just bore of me or I lose any allure I have close up. Is it possible to actually be close to a guy and sustain his interest? Yes! Thank you!! I wish I knew why too! This is what keeps happening to me over and over! I can't figure it out and it's really starting to get to me! Doesn't make you want to get involved with someone when the same thing happens over and over. They are the one to make the first move, show interest, but also start to disappear and end up stop calling like they never existed! Though not always the same on the guys side, so can't say there were always this or that, but they showed honest interest, called and so on. Some involved sex, some not, some talked about being a couple and so on. Then gaps between calling and nothing. I didn't change, I'm actually easy going, didn't bring up a relationship and played everything by ear. Why guys? Why???
uniqueone Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 You cant change 1000's of years of instinctual male-female instinct. I dont really condone you going after guys that you would not have previously found attractive. Do that and your bound to hurt both him and YOU once you find you cant completely fall in love with him. Read my other post on this talk of "years of instincts". Most of these arguments people use about genetics or programmed instincts don't pan out if the entire scenario is carried out in full as per my post above. Prove to me it's instinct vs. learned behavior.
sweetbutcheeky Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Girls... you need to be a challege! Come on though, by month 4 you can't expect the girl to still be a challenge! I say 4 months because it was month 4 or 5 that the last guy I date pulled this act. You can't keep being mysterious that long!
uniqueone Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Yes! Thank you!! I wish I knew why too! This is what keeps happening to me over and over! I can't figure it out and it's really starting to get to me! Doesn't make you want to get involved with someone when the same thing happens over and over. They are the one to make the first move, show interest, but also start to disappear and end up stop calling like they never existed! Though not always the same on the guys side, so can't say there were always this or that, but they showed honest interest, called and so on. Some involved sex, some not, some talked about being a couple and so on. Then gaps between calling and nothing. I didn't change, I'm actually easy going, didn't bring up a relationship and played everything by ear. Why guys? Why??? Put a dog treat in your hand, let a dog sniff it and then run....he'll chase you all around. Give the dog an entire bag of dog treats and after a few, he'll lose interest.
sweetbutcheeky Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Put a dog treat in your hand, let a dog sniff it and then run....he'll chase you all around. Give the dog an entire bag of dog treats and after a few, he'll lose interest. Ya but after months of sniffing and no treats he is going to do the same thing. Not bother sniffing anymore and stop calling. And I don't mean I date a guy and week two he gets all the goodies, I tell him i like him, have sex and so on. I am talking about down the road in month 3-4-5 is when this happens.
uniqueone Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Ya but after months of sniffing and no treats he is going to do the same thing. Not bother sniffing anymore and stop calling. And I don't mean I date a guy and week two he gets all the goodies, I tell him i like him, have sex and so on. I am talking about down the road in month 3-4-5 is when this happens. LOL...I know what you meant...it was just a silly analogy....and it wasn't about sex either. Ok, you want the answer? The answer is....you're mature and he's not. (it's the immature ones that are like the dogs....)
sweetbutcheeky Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 LOL...I know what you meant...it was just a silly analogy....and it wasn't about sex either. Ok, you want the answer? The answer is....you're mature and he's not. (it's the immature ones that are like the dogs....) How can you figure out which ones are the dogs from the get go to save yourself from going through this over and over? Since they seem sincere, interested and so on in the start (different than the last guy lol - rolling my eyes). I just want to start a decent dating relationship where is leads to a bf. Of course if either one finds out that they aren't feeling it because of it's just not clicking and so on. That's all cool and natural. It's just the other BS I'm sick of.
uniqueone Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 How can you figure out which ones are the dogs from the get go to save yourself from going through this over and over? Since they seem sincere, interested and so on in the start (different than the last guy lol - rolling my eyes). I just want to start a decent dating relationship where is leads to a bf. Of course if either one finds out that they aren't feeling it because of it's just not clicking and so on. That's all cool and natural. It's just the other BS I'm sick of. You can't. Unfortunately, no one's found a way to mark their foreheads yet. So you're SUPPOSED to stay detached. Now this worked better in the old days more easily because sex wasn't involved right away. Now, sex is involved early. This makes women get attached big time. (not that women don't get attached without sex, but sex makes it worse). I believe this turn of events is one of the things that is causing a lot of women today to go through a lot of pain.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Read my other post on this talk of "years of instincts". Most of these arguments people use about genetics or programmed instincts don't pan out if the entire scenario is carried out in full as per my post above. Prove to me it's instinct vs. learned behavior. Ahhh... You should understand that Biology is complex. Your example about breeding works perfectly. See you have a sex drive correct? You have the desire for male companionship correct? Your body equates these with baby production... instictually there is no birth control. Your mind and learned behavior states... I dont want kids. However your actions say otherwise. Your mind can trump your instincts... Its the wonderful part of bieng Human. But never ignore that those insticts exist. Plus... did you read my post on true male breeding strategies??? You will see that its the survival of the offspring not the simple creation, which matters.
sweetbutcheeky Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 You can't. Unfortunately, no one's found a way to mark their foreheads yet. So you're SUPPOSED to stay detached. Now this worked better in the old days more easily because sex wasn't involved right away. Now, sex is involved early. This makes women get attached big time. (not that women don't get attached without sex, but sex makes it worse). I believe this turn of events is one of the things that is causing a lot of women today to go through a lot of pain. For me it's time, when I guy puts in the time and we have started to spend a lot of time together that's when he starts growing on me. So after 2 - 5 months have gone buy have spent lots of time together and he starts to fade, that's what pisses me off! Though the way he starts acting in the end just makes me mad and at that point I don't care if I see him again. But isn't the way I wanted it to be obviously. (making excuses, not following through with what he says) Sex doesn't affect me in the attachment, just pisses me off that I did with him and didn't know at that point his true colours errrr. Wouldn't have had sex with a dog if I knew it! LOL
uniqueone Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 For me it's time, when I guy puts in the time and we have started to spend a lot of time together that's when he starts growing on me. So after 2 - 5 months have gone buy have spent lots of time together and he starts to fade, that's what pisses me off! Though the way he starts acting in the end just makes me mad and at that point I don't care if I see him again. But isn't the way I wanted it to be obviously. (making excuses, not following through with what he says) Sex doesn't affect me in the attachment, just pisses me off that I did with him and didn't know at that point his true colours errrr. Wouldn't have had sex with a dog if I knew it! LOL Think about the things he does....makes excuses....doesn't follow through on what he says...... Now think back to the beginning...were there other things in his life that he made excuses about or didn't follow through on? Let's say he made excuses to his place of employment for not coming into work. Let's say he didn't follow through when his parents asked him to do them a favor. Those would probably be the things you'd want to be paying attention to in the beginning. (in my case...I'm good at seeing them.....but I'm also good at ignoring them......)
nocturnal_kiss Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 You just need to watch out for those guys who come on too strong at first. They are the fizzlers. As fast as it happens, that's how fast it can end. Isn't a fizzler one of those sparkly fireworks on a stick that starts out stiff and then quickly goes limp? Or is it that floppy licorice that is pretty much limp from the get go? Oh, no. That is a twizzler. Either way, very dissatisfying.
sweetbutcheeky Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Isn't a fizzler one of those sparkly fireworks on a stick that starts out stiff and then quickly goes limp? Or is it that floppy licorice that is pretty much limp from the get go? Oh, no. That is a twizzler. Either way, very dissatisfying. I'll second that!
sweetbutcheeky Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Think about the things he does....makes excuses....doesn't follow through on what he says...... Now think back to the beginning...were there other things in his life that he made excuses about or didn't follow through on? Let's say he made excuses to his place of employment for not coming into work. Let's say he didn't follow through when his parents asked him to do them a favor. Those would probably be the things you'd want to be paying attention to in the beginning. (in my case...I'm good at seeing them.....but I'm also good at ignoring them......) I can't think back to the guys before last. So speaking about the last he said that "I'm really busy lately, don't worry I haven't had time for my family and friends also!" Gee I feel so much better! Though I'm sure that was BS and he wasn't for anyone else, just part of his covering his ass. Though I do give everyone the benefit of the doubt, maybe I shouldn't. Sad though when you start wondering if you wouldn't give someone the benefit of the doubt or trust them right away (until they give you a reason not to). Though my trust is running thin or hardly there anymore.
Enema Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Not completely true. If the offspring do not survive this is a poor breeding plan! In a natural setting women dont fare too well on thier own... so you can imagine that it would generally pay for a man to stick around until the offspring are more likely to succeed! It may interest you to know that in the situation I described, the females generally mate with many different males. The idea is that the males will not know which of them is the father of that offspring and will all offer some degree of support, so even if she has no permanent partner, she's ok.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 It may interest you to know that in the situation I described, the females generally mate with many different males. The idea is that the males will not know which of them is the father of that offspring and will all offer some degree of support, so even if she has no permanent partner, she's ok. So we are talking about salmon? It would take an aweful lot to get a group of human males to work in concert like that. Very territorial we are... With a long history of not wanting to raise children not our own. Look at the men around you, then imagine them in a more tribal setting. Failing that perhaps do some google searches on mammal breeding stratgies!
Kamille Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Isn't a fizzler one of those sparkly fireworks on a stick that starts out stiff and then quickly goes limp? Or is it that floppy licorice that is pretty much limp from the get go? Oh, no. That is a twizzler. Either way, very dissatisfying. très pink elephant...
underpants Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 I think some people are in Love with the idea of being In Love. They chase this to their detriment and it is an undoing of sorts. You simply cannot sustain the cloud 9 passion indefinately. In my experience (I hate that I have lost some innocence but I guess with some dissappointments comes a wisdom). I don't really enjoy a relationship until that cloud 9 is tested. That is when I start to have fun. IME with a guy. I find that they are usually pretty honest in the beginning. You have to be decerning but most will put it out there. You have to be smart enough (love yourself) and look beyond the vision of what you want to see to view what you are presented with. Now, when the reality hits and if they bail....not so much truth there...not really, they are exiting. This challenge idea probably deserves it's own thread. I will challenge someone to Sunday and back, then wake up early on Monday and slap you again. However, my idea of challenge is most likely very different from most. My dissappointments usually gravitate with (more then a few) men honestly believing I am so cool and so laid back and fun and awesome that apparently I will put up with anything. They are just truly shocked to learn that I won't. Honestly when I decide to care about someone I will put up with alot but once a dealbreaker (I have the standard few) is crossed well...see ya, sorry you suck. Then they feel like they lost their best friend. Love...I pooh on it.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 I think some people are in Love with the idea of being In Love. They chase this to their detriment and it is an undoing of sorts. You simply cannot sustain the cloud 9 passion indefinately. This challenge idea probably deserves it's own thread. I will challenge someone to Sunday and back, then wake up early on Monday and slap you again. However, my idea of challenge is most likely very different from most. My dissappointments usually gravitate with (more then a few) men honestly believing I am so cool and so laid back and fun and awesome that apparently I will put up with anything. They are just truly shocked to learn that I won't. Honestly when I decide to care about someone I will put up with alot but once a dealbreaker (I have the standard few) is crossed well...see ya, sorry you suck. Then they feel like they lost their best friend. Love...I pooh on it. Yes... some people are in love with bieng in love. Shakespeare even pokes fun at this with his character Romeo. Thus I call these poeple Romantics, more in love with the feeling than the person... but they can exert a gravitational pull over others! Me, I'm an idealist... I seek the perfection of every situation... however I am prone to black and white thinking. Perhaps the idea of what is challenging should be further fleshed out! Oh, and about bieng laid back... which is a great attribute I may add. You simply need to make sure that your boundaries are clearly defined with your partner! Also... punch them in the nuts every so often... keeps them on thier toes and lets them know you care!
Capricciosa Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Isn't a fizzler one of those sparkly fireworks on a stick that starts out stiff and then quickly goes limp? Or is it that floppy licorice that is pretty much limp from the get go? Oh, no. That is a twizzler. Either way, very dissatisfying. Most definitely, down with twizzlers and fizzlers, no matter how promising they look in the package--the former are momentarily exciting but smell bad, the latter get stuck in your teeth and give you a stomach ache. Thanks for the image. I will use it from here on instead of getting bummed out.
yergawd Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 ShadowPlay- Forgive me if I repeat anything already said I wanted to reply but didn't have time to read all the posts. No I didn't get bored and give up but that would be ironic. I agree with COBRAX30 on page one. about being a challenge but for me it's not about hiding feelings or injecting drama. Both negatives to me. For me what keeps it exciting is laughing at eachother and yourself together. My GF and I flirt constantly. Example: I Couldn't find a shirt Her with a smile "I threw it away hoping to get you dressed better" (I dress very well bordering on metrosexual) Me "Watch it or I'll start shopping at Goodwill. and dress like a 70's disco clown" Her "You mean you don't already?" OR Her "I couldn't have found a better man" Me with a smile "Yeah, me either" This kind of banter is a constant and it's fun. We don't insult eachother, really, we tease. Works great for us, might work for you. Keep laughing keep loving.
yergawd Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Also... punch them in the nuts every so often... keeps them on thier toes and lets them know you care! :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:
birdie Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Oh, and about bieng laid back... which is a great attribute I may add. You simply need to make sure that your boundaries are clearly defined with your partner! Also... punch them in the nuts every so often... keeps them on thier toes and lets them know you care! agree 100%. if I feel that I get enough attention (just reasonable amount) I'm really laid back but then comes the time when that kicking in the nuts is required. I'm still learning how to set boundaries effectively - rather than react to something by kicking up a fuss
underpants Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 agree 100%. if I feel that I get enough attention (just reasonable amount) I'm really laid back but then comes the time when that kicking in the nuts is required. I'm still learning how to set boundaries effectively - rather than react to something by kicking up a fuss Yea, maybe I am only kicking them in the nuts whilst also kicking them to the curb. Yea, the boundary thing is cool. However, people push them and relationships by their very nature are continuious studies of where to draw lines and have healthy discussions and respect for those boundaries while also dealing with sensitivities of the guarding of these truths we each have for ourselves. I think some of that boundary pushing is exciting and fun and good. However, eventually they can be pushed too far. Some relate this to being a challenge. For me when someone is just always pushing and testing your boundaries it becomes exhausting, not a challenge at all really. It just ultimately suceeds in pushing someone away...usually me.
Trialbyfire Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 unders, I need someone who can continue to challenge me intellectually but doesn't want to play games with the emotional side. Either you're in or you're out. Perhaps this is the type of challenge you need.
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