Cobra_X30 Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Thanks, that's great advice. I especially like what you said in the second paragraph. I agree with the first as well, but I guess i still don't understand how you can make yourself love yourself. How do you build confidence from scratch? That problem has always perplexed me. Pull up a mental mirror and really take a look at yourself! Your smart, beautiful, witty, compassionate, and loving.... who wouldnt want to be with you? Only an idoit! Now when you go on a date show that. Show how your life is fun and interesting... and how you are absolute solid gold. Trust me... he is going to want to bask in your greatness!
Author shadowplay Posted August 25, 2007 Author Posted August 25, 2007 Pull up a mental mirror and really take a look at yourself! Your smart, beautiful, witty, compassionate, and loving.... who wouldnt want to be with you? Only an idoit! Now when you go on a date show that. Show how your life is fun and interesting... and how you are absolute solid gold. Trust me... he is going to want to bask in your greatness! But what if your life isn't fun and interesting? What if you're shy, insecure and don't get out much? Should you change your life before trying to date?
4givrnt4gtr Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Thanks, that's great advice. I especially like what you said in the second paragraph. I agree with the first as well, but I guess i still don't understand how you can make yourself love yourself. How do you build confidence from scratch? That problem has always perplexed me. Well, start with simple things...look at yourself in the mirror, and pick one thing that you really like about yourself (we all that that ONE thing thats your pride and joy), like, for me, i like my eyes, they're expressive, and my curvy, small body. Sure it could use some work, but its pretty nonetheless.... For you it might be, i dont know your hair, your eyes, your smile...notice it and be thankful for it. ALso you can think of all the things you've accomplished, and all the things you WANT to accomplish. Notice how you did all this without a man...it was all you, and it will always be all you. Then think of your friends....they're your friends for a reason...whether is bc your hilarious, or a good listener or whatever...if they can see it....u should too. Once you start doing this your self esteem is gonna go higher and higher...you're gonna start noticing more things about yourself that are very valuable. In the guy department, think of how you treat your man, and how lucky the smart guy who decides to stick around is gonna be to have you as his girl. Those who leave/left....yeah, thats their complete loss. I recommend you read Mama Gena's school of womanly arts....the lady that gave me such a great advice told me about it, and its been such a great help....
Cobra_X30 Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 So I'm guessing a heartfelt email to my new bf in which i reveal how I feel about him and some of my insecurities probably isn't such a swell idea, right? I'm getting the strong urge to whip one up and send it out, and I really need someone to talk me out of it. Granted, he sent me a similar email about two weeks ago, but still I'm not sure if it's the best idea. Ummm... maybe not. Perhaps you should send him an email that HINTS at the fact that you like him. Forget your insecurities for the moment! What do you have to be insecure about anyway! Is he really dense? You have to be really upfront with guys that are dense!
Kamille Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 So I'm guessing a heartfelt email to my new bf in which i reveal how I feel about him and some of my insecurities probably isn't such a swell idea, right? I'm getting the strong urge to whip one up and send it out, and I really need someone to talk me out of it. Granted, he sent me a similar email about two weeks ago, but still I'm not sure if it's the best idea. No, revealing emotions conjugated with insecurities is rarely a good idea. It puts the other person in the position of having to confort us, instead of putting both partners on equal footing. Find your balance first. Do treat yourself like gold. Then remember that revealing emotions, instead of juggling to conceal them, can actually stem from self-confidence. Not talking about a big bumbling reveal here- just little instances where you let him know by little comments or looks you give him that you are falling for him.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 But what if your life isn't fun and interesting? What if you're shy, insecure and don't get out much? Should you change your life before trying to date? Thats a lie! Even if your shy and insecure your life is fun and interesting. Some may tell you to fake it till you make it, but Im going to tell you right now that YOU are fun... right now. Find the ways that you are fun... then express them. Its about focusing on the positive... not the negative!
4givrnt4gtr Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 But what if your life isn't fun and interesting? What if you're shy, insecure and don't get out much? Should you change your life before trying to date? YES!!!! You SHOULD change your life to the point you're completely happy with it....once you are, then its time to SHARE this life with someone who has a happy life too. You cannot expect to have someone fix your life for you, nor cure your insecurities...its all on you girl....
Author shadowplay Posted August 25, 2007 Author Posted August 25, 2007 Ummm... maybe not. Perhaps you should send him an email that HINTS at the fact that you like him. Forget your insecurities for the moment! What do you have to be insecure about anyway! Is he really dense? You have to be really upfront with guys that are dense! well, he seems a bit dense. he told me he wasn't sure i even liked him until the end of our second date when i said 'let's sit in our car and listen to music' ... ie KISS ME ALREADY. then he asked me if he could kiss me. but now, i don't know. it's very possible that he does know i like him quite a bit at this point. i just can't tell. do i show more interest in case he's unsure and holding back for fear of rejection, or do i act more distant in case he's scared i'm too into him?
4givrnt4gtr Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Thats a lie! Even if your shy and insecure your life is fun and interesting. Some may tell you to fake it till you make it, but Im going to tell you right now that YOU are fun... right now. Find the ways that you are fun... then express them. Its about focusing on the positive... not the negative! This is very true too.....you probably are a lot of fun and are having fun, you're just focusing on what you dont have instead of what you do have...great advice Cobra!
Trialbyfire Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Don't play games. If you find a gamer, run like the wind. Be yourself from the start. No pretending confidence if you don't have it or any other attribute to get the guy or girl. If they lose interest, their loss. The right person for you, will not run.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 well, he seems a bit dense. he told me he wasn't sure i even liked him until the end of our second date when i said 'let's sit in our car and listen to music' ... ie KISS ME ALREADY. then he asked me if he could kiss me. but now, i don't know. it's very possible that he does know i like him quite a bit at this point. i just can't tell. do i show more interest in case he's unsure and holding back for fear of rejection, or do i act more distant in case he's scared i'm too into him? Thats the point. You do both and neither all at the same time. Dont say "I love you Bob", You have to HINT. Dont act distant... that will discourage him... especially because he sounds kinda dense. You want to compliment him... but not too much.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Don't play games. If you find a gamer, run like the wind. Be yourself from the start. No pretending confidence if you don't have it or any other attribute to get the guy or girl. If they lose interest, their loss. The right person for you, will not run. You know you love gamers! LOL... the idea is to become a better person in the process. Not to just present a false front. TBF, you should know... your one of the most complex ladies on this site.
Enema Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Male mammals are genetically designed to plant their seed with as many females as possible to increase the chances that their genetic material will be passed on. I think the human men going luke-warm with you after a little while is an unconscious extension of this.
Trialbyfire Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 You know you love gamers! LOL... the idea is to become a better person in the process. Not to just present a false front. TBF, you should know... your one of the most complex ladies on this site. I like the idea of improving self but not because someone else wants you to or to make yourself more interesting so you can bag a guy. Improve self for self or it will only be a band-aid. Am I complex or diversified?
Cobra_X30 Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Male mammals are genetically designed to plant their seed with as many females as possible to increase the chances that their genetic material will be passed on. I think the human men going luke-warm with you after a little while is an unconscious extension of this. Not completely true. If the offspring do not survive this is a poor breeding plan! In a natural setting women dont fare too well on thier own... so you can imagine that it would generally pay for a man to stick around until the offspring are more likely to succeed!
uniqueone Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Girls... you need to be a challege! No they don't. They just need to be themselves. It's not the "girls" who need to change here. Although there might be one thing that the girls need to change....and that's who they fall for.
Kamille Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Not completely true. If the offspring do not survive this is a poor breeding plan! In a natural setting women dont fare too well on thier own... so you can imagine that it would generally pay for a man to stick around until the offspring are more likely to succeed! Goodness gracious I think I just swooned! Cobra, you are hot!
IpAncA Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Anything that requires a chace! If I feel like I have to work to keep you interested... Oh man... Your a keeper! Shoot, like I said earlier, personally Im not the greatest example. I have a new GF every 6-9 months on average. The ones that keep me around the longest always make me work for it! I have alot of guy friends that are like that too though! Two are married... one is in the process. Yeah I also like the challenge. It's thrilling.
uniqueone Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 but I guess i still don't understand how you can make yourself love yourself. How do you build confidence from scratch? That problem has always perplexed me. Used to perplex the hell out of me too. I just couldn't wrap my brain around the concept no matter how I looked at it. It took years but I finally do now. You need to take one step at a time....it's not an overnight process. You start with one tiny speck and build from there. And it might be two steps forward, one step back for awhile, but eventually...you'll get there.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 I like the idea of improving self but not because someone else wants you to or to make yourself more interesting so you can bag a guy. Improve self for self or it will only be a band-aid. Am I complex or diversified? Its all about the baby steps! LOL... yes, you are complex! Difficult and complex would be a better description! Your the one person here I consistently cant predict... I never know what your going to say... Almost like you just play devils advocate sometimes.
Tony T Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 In my experience, guys start out extremely interested at the beginning of the relationship, but soon, by the one or two month mark their interest fizzles. Why? I can't figure out if this is something about me or a guy thing in general. I've had guys tell me they love me and wax poetic early on, and then suddenly become lukewarm for no apparent reason as things progress. My behavior doesn't tend to change, so I can't figure out what the deal is. Does this just happen once guys finally get sex, or is something else going on? I'm talking about guys who aren't even players, to the very best of my knowledge. In fact they seem very sincere when they show affection early on, but it's like they suddenly decide they don't like me after a certain point. I can't seem to break out of this cycle. Just when I start to really fall for and trust a guy, he pulls away. It makes me feel like they just bore of me or I lose any allure I have close up. Is it possible to actually be close to a guy and sustain his interest? For your answer, please just read four or five paragraphs here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coolidge_effect If you want to know more after that, simple Google: Coolidge Effect. Good Luck!
Kamille Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 No they don't. They just need to be themselves. It's not the "girls" who need to change here. Although there might be one thing that the girls need to change....and that's who they fall for. And how we fall I would add. Shadow honey- you're doing fine. I've read your most recent postings and I think you are just going through a stage of vulnerability, which is normal at the beginning of a relationship. Plus I think you mentioned somewhere that you and your b-friend will be in a LDR soon, and this is probably adding to your anxieties. Now just breathe. Realize that your insecurities probably stem from this added stress. And remember, this man chooses to be with you. He likes you, for you, how you are. You don't need to do anything to keep him there but be yourself. Follow everyone's advice about treating yourself like gold. This doesn't mean turning into a diva, but accepting yourself for who you are, quirks and all, and realizing that someone will love you exactly as you are.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 No they don't. They just need to be themselves. It's not the "girls" who need to change here. Although there might be one thing that the girls need to change....and that's who they fall for. You cant change 1000's of years of instinctual male-female instinct. I dont really condone you going after guys that you would not have previously found attractive. Do that and your bound to hurt both him and YOU once you find you cant completely fall in love with him.
Trialbyfire Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Its all about the baby steps! LOL... yes, you are complex! Difficult and complex would be a better description! Your the one person here I consistently cant predict... I never know what your going to say... Almost like you just play devils advocate sometimes. How could you even suggest that I deliberately challenge peoples' assumptions?
uniqueone Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Male mammals are genetically designed to plant their seed with as many females as possible to increase the chances that their genetic material will be passed on. I think the human men going luke-warm with you after a little while is an unconscious extension of this. Personally I'm tired of hearing this mullarky (yeah it's a word, I swear...). I'm not walking down the street and suddenly have the desire to walk on four legs.....if I'm hungry and I see a small animal go by me, I don't stick a spear in it, skin it and start chomping on it....... This whole reasoning of this is how men are because this is how they are genetically programmed is taken a little too far I think. Are we women all just priming to have babies one after another? I know I'm not. But that's what you could argue that I'm genetically programmed to do, right? Let's think about this....men are programmed to spread their seed you say...... Ok, the reason for that is to have OFFSPRING. So this would mean that men would like all these women to stop taking birth control, right? If they're genetically programmed to spread their seed, then a baby would be what they'd be programmed to create. So why aren't these men wanting babies? See...I'm sorry...but that whole rationale just doesn't hold. It seems that only PART of it is taken, not all of it. A guy can say "Hey....I'm just programmed to spread my seed...I'm a guy...what can I do......." So then ask him if he wants the babies that go along with it....the ones he's genetically programmed to create.......... If you want to use that argument, you have to take it ALL.
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