shadowplay Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 In my experience, guys start out extremely interested at the beginning of the relationship, but soon, by the one or two month mark their interest fizzles. Why? I can't figure out if this is something about me or a guy thing in general. I've had guys tell me they love me and wax poetic early on, and then suddenly become lukewarm for no apparent reason as things progress. My behavior doesn't tend to change, so I can't figure out what the deal is. Does this just happen once guys finally get sex, or is something else going on? I'm talking about guys who aren't even players, to the very best of my knowledge. In fact they seem very sincere when they show affection early on, but it's like they suddenly decide they don't like me after a certain point. I can't seem to break out of this cycle. Just when I start to really fall for and trust a guy, he pulls away. It makes me feel like they just bore of me or I lose any allure I have close up. Is it possible to actually be close to a guy and sustain his interest?
Capricciosa Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 You just need to watch out for those guys who come on too strong at first. They are the fizzlers. As fast as it happens, that's how fast it can end. They are trying to win you over, and the minute they do, they need to get out. It is the standard behavior of a commitmentphobe. You don't have to be a player to be commitment-phobic.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 The same thing happens to me. Girls... you need to be a challege!
amber1 Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Okay Cobra, please elaborate. What aspects of a girl's behavior would make her a challenge? Please give examples. What would keep your interest?
4givrnt4gtr Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 ohhh story of my life girl...actually more like my last two relationships...but i get where ur coming from. I actually talked to this very nice, intelligent lady about this and what she told me opened up my eyes. She bassically said that us women tend to become very complaint to the men we like. This kills our allure. We try (although me might not notice) to please them as much as possible, whether it be by not really telling them what we want (aka, "where do u want to go eat?" us- "wherever is fine dear!") or by not letting them know when we are mad. Im not saying be a b** or extra demanding, but do stand up for yourself, what you truly want and what you believe. Another thing is that once men "smell" our fear of losing them, they run out ther door. Im trying this advice out with my new relationship, i focused on me, what i need, my happiness (ofcourse i keep his in mind too, but i come first). So far its been the best dating experience ive had, he isnt feeling like im trapping him, and ive lost my sense of insecurity and of need (if he goes, oh well! im happy with or without him!). Hopefully the advice will work for you as well )
underpants Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 This happens to alot of people. I can say I have had this happen to me. Funny thing also is that if I don't want to persue a guy romantically. Say like if I do go on a few dates, maybe even make out a little (no sex) (or even hmmm, some sex) and realize it is not going to be a match. Then they love me. Years go by, they love me. I think sometimes you are danged if you do, danged if you don't.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Okay Cobra, please elaborate. What aspects of a girl's behavior would make her a challenge? Please give examples. What would keep your interest? Let's remove me from the equation... its best to keep things simple at first. 1. Your something special... right? You need to treat yourself like gold. In turn he will believe this 2. Always be mysterious... not in a bad way... but in a how much does she like me kinda way! There are a number of ways to do this. 3. Dont give up the goodies too quick! Guys deep down understand that if they score quick, so did the last guy. That means your nothing special. These are basic tips... do you want something more date specific... I.E... how do divulge personal info in a way that keeps him interested?... or how to express opinions in a way that gets his attention?
Author shadowplay Posted August 25, 2007 Author Posted August 25, 2007 But why? The thing I can't figure out is my behavior doesn't change toward these guys to the best of my knowledge, yet they suddenly change their minds about me. It just seems like they can sense it the instant you fall for them, as somebody above said, because that's the point at which they always duck out. But I can't figure out how they sense it when I do my very best to conceal it! Also, does this mean it's not possible to fall for a guy without him bailing?
Author shadowplay Posted August 25, 2007 Author Posted August 25, 2007 Let's remove me from the equation... its best to keep things simple at first. 1. Your something special... right? You need to treat yourself like gold. In turn he will believe this could you give some examples? 2. Always be mysterious... not in a bad way... but in a how much does she like me kinda way! There are a number of ways to do this. Do you mean act distant occasionally to keep them guessing? It never seems to work. Whenever I act distant, even subtly, they just pull back more 3. Dont give up the goodies too quick! Guys deep down understand that if they score quick, so did the last guy. That means your nothing special. I waited almost two months to sleep with him, longer than most girls. Same story. These are basic tips... do you want something more date specific... I.E... how do divulge personal info in a way that keeps him interested?... or how to express opinions in a way that gets his attention?
Author shadowplay Posted August 25, 2007 Author Posted August 25, 2007 i guess i'm just wondering if it's possible for a guy to fall head over heels for a girl and sustain that feeling? Does passion like that always fizzle out really fast?
IpAncA Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Girls... you need to be a challege! I've heard countless times by people that they hate challege.
Author shadowplay Posted August 25, 2007 Author Posted August 25, 2007 I've heard countless times by people that they hate challege. That's the problem... a lot of guys seem to give up when they think a girl may not like them. You're danged if you do...
Cobra_X30 Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 I've heard countless times by people that they hate challege. Simple... they dont understand what they want. How many times have you heard someone say... I wish X were easier. Then when it is easier they just take it for granted. Its basically a trick thier mind plays on them. The more effort... the more work you put into ANYTHING, the more valuable it becomes to you. Its really that simple.
Author shadowplay Posted August 25, 2007 Author Posted August 25, 2007 Simple... they dont understand what they want. How many times have you heard someone say... I wish X were easier. Then when it is easier they just take it for granted. Its basically a trick thier mind plays on them. The more effort... the more work you put into ANYTHING, the more valuable it becomes to you. Its really that simple. I just don't understand. How does a woman make herself a challenge without coming off as cold or uninterested?
Cobra_X30 Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 That's the problem... a lot of guys seem to give up when they think a girl may not like them. You're danged if you do... They need to understand that you like them... but they have to wonder how much.
underpants Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 But why? The thing I can't figure out is my behavior doesn't change toward these guys to the best of my knowledge, yet they suddenly change their minds about me. It just seems like they can sense it the instant you fall for them, as somebody above said, because that's the point at which they always duck out. But I can't figure out how they sense it when I do my very best to conceal it! Also, does this mean it's not possible to fall for a guy without him bailing? Obviously you can fall for a guy and he won't bail. Alot of people have wonderful long lasting relationships, alot of those even led to marriage. If you find this happening alot then yea, something has to change. Either the men you are attracted to are not up to par or you become somewhat settled or the excitement wears off and they can't deal. I can't take anyone too seriously within those first 3 months because you don't really know what is going on. All you know is that it is fun. Once you come down from the cloud (you or him) it is time to evaluate. I said somewhere else that some evaluate and bail, others evaluate and commit. I hate to say it but you have to remain a little detached for a while until you are sure they are made of the stuff worth keeping around. You feel me. Personally, I find if I inject a friendly dose of healthy insanity occasionally it keeps the interest up. I like to see a perplexed look on my man's face once in a while. That tells me I am confusing him.
Lizzie60 Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 I have never experienced that... In fact, for me, it's been the opposite... I get bored with them first. I still get emails and phone calls from guys I've been with years ago... they just keep coming back...
IpAncA Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Okay. Actually better yet, what do you guys consider a challenge?
Author shadowplay Posted August 25, 2007 Author Posted August 25, 2007 I have never experienced that... In fact, for me, it's been the opposite... I get bored with them first. I still get emails and phone calls from guys I've been with years ago... they just keep coming back... Well good for you i guess...
4givrnt4gtr Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 I hear you..... I think to be honest the best way to keep a man interested. as cobra said is to treat yourself like gold.... Its the basis of what i had said earlier. You NEED! MUST! love yourself and think you're amazing and fun and that NOONE would EVER be bored of you. Fake it if you must. This is why its so hard to find someone when we're down on the dumps. We cant see our own brilliance, how in the world do we expect others to see it? If you're feeling like this, down, the best thing to do is take a break, find yourself, see how wonderful you are and how much you deserve. Once you're completely in love with yoursef (in a good way, not egotistical way), you will find someone who will see it too, and will stick for the long run. Also, trying to hide feelings is ridiculously hard and always ALWAYS backfires....the trick is to NOT have those feelings so soon....he should be winning them...not just getting them for free. Knowing what you know now, that men are a bit fickle, be more careful to whom you give your heart to. 2 months is not enough time to know he'll stick around, dont be so trusting and, well, loving. Give the relationship time to grow and him to know you for who you really are (lets be honest here, everyone is always on their best behaviors the first few months). Then, you can fall in love with them, if they are worth it. In the meantime, sure like them a lot, and enjoy their company, but dont invest your heart so soon.
Author shadowplay Posted August 25, 2007 Author Posted August 25, 2007 Obviously you can fall for a guy and he won't bail. Alot of people have wonderful long lasting relationships, alot of those even led to marriage. If you find this happening alot then yea, something has to change. Either the men you are attracted to are not up to par or you become somewhat settled or the excitement wears off and they can't deal. But isn't it inevitable that the excitement would wear off? I can't figure out if there's something I could change in my behavior to prevent it. Personally, I find if I inject a friendly dose of healthy insanity occasionally it keeps the interest up. I like to see a perplexed look on my man's face once in a while. That tells me I am confusing him. ^I like that idea. Could you give me an example of 'healthy insanity'?
Cobra_X30 Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Okay. Actually better yet, what do you guys consider a challenge? Anything that requires a chace! If I feel like I have to work to keep you interested... Oh man... Your a keeper! Shoot, like I said earlier, personally Im not the greatest example. I have a new GF every 6-9 months on average. The ones that keep me around the longest always make me work for it! I have alot of guy friends that are like that too though! Two are married... one is in the process.
Author shadowplay Posted August 25, 2007 Author Posted August 25, 2007 I hear you..... I think to be honest the best way to keep a man interested. as cobra said is to treat yourself like gold.... Its the basis of what i had said earlier. You NEED! MUST! love yourself and think you're amazing and fun and that NOONE would EVER be bored of you. Fake it if you must. This is why its so hard to find someone when we're down on the dumps. We cant see our own brilliance, how in the world do we expect others to see it? If you're feeling like this, down, the best thing to do is take a break, find yourself, see how wonderful you are and how much you deserve. Once you're completely in love with yoursef (in a good way, not egotistical way), you will find someone who will see it too, and will stick for the long run. Also, trying to hide feelings is ridiculously hard and always ALWAYS backfires....the trick is to NOT have those feelings so soon....he should be winning them...not just getting them for free. Knowing what you know now, that men are a bit fickle, be more careful to whom you give your heart to. 2 months is not enough time to know he'll stick around, dont be so trusting and, well, loving. Give the relationship time to grow and him to know you for who you really are (lets be honest here, everyone is always on their best behaviors the first few months). Then, you can fall in love with them, if they are worth it. In the meantime, sure like them a lot, and enjoy their company, but dont invest your heart so soon. Thanks, that's great advice. I especially like what you said in the second paragraph. I agree with the first as well, but I guess i still don't understand how you can make yourself love yourself. How do you build confidence from scratch? That problem has always perplexed me.
Author shadowplay Posted August 25, 2007 Author Posted August 25, 2007 So I'm guessing a heartfelt email to my new bf in which i reveal how I feel about him and some of my insecurities probably isn't such a swell idea, right? I'm getting the strong urge to whip one up and send it out, and I really need someone to talk me out of it. Granted, he sent me a similar email about two weeks ago, but still I'm not sure if it's the best idea.
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