Cobra_X30 Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 About Cobra's: doubt someone and they will most likely become worthy of your doubts. Believe in them and they will strive to live up to the image of you have of them. I know it's cheesy and cliché and some people are here to testify that it doesn't always pan out that way. But all in all, there is a bigger risk opting for plan one rather then plan two. Well, I qualified my POV up front... so you know where I'm coming from! The old self-fulfilling prophecy... Yes life often works that way. However, just as often we see only what we want, and hear only what we want to hear. You cant make a donkey into a racehorse, you absolutely have to be realistic about who your partner is! It helps in accepting thier faults. Do you walk into a relationship with a man who has a history of beating his wives and think... Oh its going to be different with me! Be, honest... people change... but its often a slow process!
Author yergawd Posted August 25, 2007 Author Posted August 25, 2007 First... I wasnt giving you advice to dump her. I was actually saying that I share the exact same problem you do and I dont really know how to fix it. I know you weren't suggesting this. And thereason I posted this was because I feel she may be the one and I want to fix it ASAP I know all the girls here read this and think she just "blurts" things out, but those arent the type of things that just fall out of your mouth. In some ways I agree. I think she is unconsciously testing me and wether I will love her unconditionally. Some of the things she says would not be something that would come out in normal conversation. On the other hand she really is an open book and will catch herself sometimes and appologize. Its more likely IMHO, that she is a people pleaser. She says these things to ellicit a positive response from you. So I would take these statements with the whole bloody salt shaker, not just one grain! This is just like "the voice" that I hear. She is saying this to me because that's what I want to hear and she's said it before and if we break up she'll say it to the next guy. She has kind of a wild past.... and honestly... past behavior is the absolute best way to predict future behavior. Agree, but that was a long time ago. Before her children. Unless she has been dating circus freaks, she is going to have the same issues with you that she had with the last guy. What caused the destruction of her last few relationships? Husband 1, with him for 4 years became extremely depressed and she was miserable. But stayed because of the kids. and the fact they worked opposite schedules. **Cheated on him, said this is her biggest regret in life. but living with him was unbearable** "honestly... past behavior is the absolute best way to predict future behavior" Your words and both of our (Cobra and mine) sentiments Husband 2, with him for 6 years extremely abusive slamming her in car doors breaking furniture on her legs and back etc... left him twice went back because he was bipolar and would be up and down constantly. Left him for good and a few months later I met her. And yes I'm keeping track, she's been through two marraiges with mentally unstable men (What does that say about yergawd? ...insecurities are all I have.) but this makes up her past 10 years. Also a guy when she left the abusive husband the first time that she dumped to go back to him. Also noting a history of thriving in drama laden environments, Not Good. The idea that I needed to find a new place to live so I moved in with this guy... thats kind of indicative of a shopper type! Those girls are always looking for a better deal, because its all about what you do for her! First time a guy comes along and offers a better deal... she's gone. Again your words my sentiments. I don't like the idea that she left her abusive husband to live with her parents, then moves in with another guy because she can't stand living with her parents. Then dumps new guy to move back in with abusive husband. After all is said and done it comes down to "Do not be angry with the road that lead you to your destiny"- paraphrased zen quote. She is with me and I am happy and want this to work Of course, there is a strong possibility that none of this applies to your girl, or maybe a little in varying degrees. Only you can figure that out for sure! ..................
Kamille Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 She is with me and I am happy and want this to work Leap of faith my friend... Leap of faith. I don't think you are doing her sentiments justice. I know I am a hopeless optimist, but if she says that she feels like she's never felt so good with anybody else, I think she means it. She's not saying it because she's a people pleaser (and even if, that means that she wants to please you because she wants you in her life)... In her mind she's saying it because it is true.
Author yergawd Posted August 25, 2007 Author Posted August 25, 2007 Kamille- All I want is to be able to do this leap of faith. What isn't in this post is what an amazing woman she is. She is without a doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me and my son. I want to marry her and be with her till we're old and decrepid. and in the end that's all that matters. I've never held onto insecurities like this before, I just want to figure out why I am so insecure now.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Well, we definitely think alike. I'm not going to just throw sunshine up your bum... but you obviously feel this girl is worth the risk! I love gamblers! The more you risk the more you win... its that simple! You just might be the best thing she's ever had! To be honest I'm kind of on the fence about sharing your insecurities with her. See, its best to be honest because then you can set comfortable boundaries for the both of you. This way if she crosses boundaries... you know there is a problem. However, I feel with her personality type and past history... she may view your insecurity not as your problem... but as hers. She may get upset and be very unhappy with your inability to trust her. In this situation your now working against one another instead of together.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Kamille- All I want is to be able to do this leap of faith. What isn't in this post is what an amazing woman she is. She is without a doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me and my son. I want to marry her and be with her till we're old and decrepid. and in the end that's all that matters. I've never held onto insecurities like this before, I just want to figure out why I am so insecure now. Because you have finally found something that you cant bear to lose!
Kamille Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Because you have finally found something that you cant bear to lose! I agree. And maybe there is nothing to do about your insecurities but to let more water flow under the bridge. But the next time she tells you one of those sweet compliments, look her in the eyes and thank her. Saying 'thank you' for a compliment is a little step towards accepting that they're true.
Author yergawd Posted August 25, 2007 Author Posted August 25, 2007 Because you have finally found something that you cant bear to lose! .......Yes.
norajane Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 Husband 1, with him for 4 years became extremely depressed and she was miserable. But stayed because of the kids. and the fact they worked opposite schedules. **Cheated on him, said this is her biggest regret in life. but living with him was unbearable** Husband 2, with him for 6 years extremely abusive slamming her in car doors breaking furniture on her legs and back etc... left him twice went back because he was bipolar and would be up and down constantly. Left him for good and a few months later I met her. And yes I'm keeping track, she's been through two marraiges with mentally unstable men (What does that say about yergawd? ...insecurities are all I have.) but this makes up her past 10 years. Also a guy when she left the abusive husband the first time that she dumped to go back to him. Also noting a history of thriving in drama laden environments, Not Good. So, she gets involved with new guys when she needs to leave the one she's with. And she relies on her parents when she doesn't have a guy. So when was the last time she was independent and taking care of herself? Ever? Are you her savior now? And you're saying she only had a FEW MONTHS in between you and her abusive ex husband??? Is she even divorced yet?? Has she been to therapy? How has she dealt with being in an abusive relationship for 6 years, being beaten and hurt? How did she address her depression from the first marriage? If she just shoves all that to the background without addressing it, it means she's carrying around that baggage with her and has not had a chance to really release it. That's a red flag, my friend. Be very cautious.
uniqueone Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 However, i think Uniqueone's and Cobra's last posts are somewhat very jaded. On Unique's: there is nothing wrong with working on yourself with the help of other people. You are here asking for help. Why shouldn't you deal with your past issues with her support as well? Outside of puppy love, nobody shows up in a relationship unscathed. I'm not saying someone needs to be pristine before dating. No one is going to be that way...it's impossible...and it's unrealistic to expect it. But, to me, he sounds very dependent upon her emotionally and I don't think that's good, esp. after a long marriage and one that he's had a lot of problems getting over. I don't know about you, but I've seen too many people jump into a second marriage. And if you look at the statistics on second marriages failing, you'll see why I'm saying to wait. And also, I just happen to be of the belief in general that people need to spend more time on their own than they do. I've been on my own so much I guess I can't understand when people can't be without someone in their lives. To the OP, I DO understand how you feel though since you've found such a good fit. I still would have gone at a slower pace though.
jcster Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 Because you have finally found something that you cant bear to lose!I think this is the root of all of it. I, for one, am never so distraught and paranoid than when I get what I want. Happiness gives me a mental rash. It has nothing to do with reality, but my own inability to accept good things that come to me. I'm constantly looking the gift-universe in the mouth. If this is your case as well, then I suggest you try what I've been trying. Every time those nagging thoughts come up...stop them. It takes practice - you have to learn to listen to your interior thoughts a lot more than you might be used to. Learn to monitor your idle thoughts and turn them to another track before they become full blown worry. After a while, it gets a lot easier. Internal conditioning got you a lot of unhappiness, but if you use it yourself, it can bring a lot of good.
VIP Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 I think you should write down everything she tells you, that bothers you. Those are red flags, at least for now. Don't get completely relaxed and trusting with her, test her, give it time until you prove to yourself that she is sincere with you.
uniqueone Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 "I have never not been in a relationship for longer than a week." I know she doesn't like to be alone but at the same time I want to know she isn't with me because "It was 8 days and no new guy:(" She is constantly saying "You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, I wish I would have met you ten years ago" and "you are the best lover I've ever had." and "I've never had more fun with anyone." As great as it is to hear those things I hear this voice in the back of my head (I don't know why it sounds like Gilbert Godfried, but why not:D) "She's said this to EVERY guy. This is her script." I want to feel like I am as special to her as she is to me. WOW I feel so incredibly emasculated. I want that voice gone. Anyway I'm going to go work on my FERD truck and clean my guns and look at pin up girls now That voice isn't screaming at you for no reason. I'm sorry but this woman has problems written all over her and your vulnerability sucked you in like a vacuum cleaner. There are MAJOR red flags here. It's probably making you feel pretty good though that, since she usually only lasts a week, you must be different because it's lasting longer, right? Yeah you want that voice gone but it's not going anywhere.....in fact, it's going to be getting louder. Those voices have that way of doing that, you know. At first we say "yeah, yeah, yeah....go away...." to them. But those persistant little buggers keep tapping you on the shoulder anyway. Pretty soon, they're going to have a megaphone right up to your ear. But there you are.....oh...look how special I am....she only lasts with others for a week....what do those voices really know!......fa...la....la...... This is when the voices go reaching for two large cymbals that they're going to clang above your head. See...the voices are our self-preservation instinct. They know better than we do. We're actually kind of dumb compared to the voices. The voices know this and they roll their eyes as they see us ignore them and keep living in our fantasyland. Go over situations that have occurred with your friends, family, others. (such as a friend who thinks that her partner is cheating on her). In each situation, think about what they told themselves was the actual situation at the time vs. what the voice inside their head had been telling them. (such as...he's just working late hours to get that big project finished.....vs...I think he's having an affair). Add up how many times the voices proved to be right vs. what the person had thought at the time. Sorry if I don't offer any good news here....but that's just how I see it. Your situation might "look" like heaven....but it doesn't seem like you're really seeing it realistically.
Author yergawd Posted August 26, 2007 Author Posted August 26, 2007 It's probably making you feel pretty good though that, since she usually only lasts a week, you must be different because it's lasting longer, right? . I think you have misread my posts. She said she hasn't been alone for more than a week. Let me break it down: Married at 18 lasted 4 years - divorced Remarried at 23 lasted 6 years - divorced. Had boyfriend she moved in with during 1 year separation because of abuse Dated 2 guys. Met me, dumped them. We have been exclusive since we met. Did we move fast? Yes. But we haven't been running around like a couple of love struck kids. Our Schedules are ridiculously busy, we are raising our respective children. Facing rough situations. But above all enjoying life more than we ever have. JCSTR and TRIALBYFIRE have been hitting it on the head. For whatever reason 1. I have trouble accepting compliments and 2. mistrust the happy moments in life. These are my issues. I respect your opinion but you are trying to answer questions I didn't ask and insisting I am trying to shoot myself in the foot. My OP was why do I imagine the worst. I do not mistrust her. I did feel like she might be trying to say what I wanted to hear. We were talking last night and I realized how far off I was. I am not ready to post our conversation till I have a chance to digest it. But I realized how high on a pedestal she has me and how low she places herself.
uniqueone Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 I think you have misread my posts. She said she hasn't been alone for more than a week. Let me break it down: Married at 18 lasted 4 years - divorced Remarried at 23 lasted 6 years - divorced. Had boyfriend she moved in with during 1 year separation because of abuse Dated 2 guys. Met me, dumped them. We have been exclusive since we met. Did we move fast? Yes. But we haven't been running around like a couple of love struck kids. Our Schedules are ridiculously busy, we are raising our respective children. Facing rough situations. But above all enjoying life more than we ever have. JCSTR and TRIALBYFIRE have been hitting it on the head. For whatever reason 1. I have trouble accepting compliments and 2. mistrust the happy moments in life. These are my issues. I respect your opinion but you are trying to answer questions I didn't ask and insisting I am trying to shoot myself in the foot. My OP was why do I imagine the worst. I do not mistrust her. I did feel like she might be trying to say what I wanted to hear. We were talking last night and I realized how far off I was. I am not ready to post our conversation till I have a chance to digest it. But I realized how high on a pedestal she has me and how low she places herself. Okey doke...I'm out of it. Hope things work out for you.
Recommended Posts