shouldn't these feelings have gone away by now?

[yergawd]

Everyone knows that feeling whenyou are first dating someone that you really like. "Do they really like me?" "What if they get tired of me?" "am I around her too much" "...ETC....ETC...ETC..."

 

 

Quick flashback for those that haven't been taking notes.

 

1 year out of a miserable marraige. After some dating and doing a lot of what DateAnalyzer has been doing (no offense bud was there did that:D)

Am now involved in a great relationship. Live together and talking about eventual marraige.

 

Between my ex and all the nonesense involved in dating I am somewhat jaded and find it very hard to talk about emotional issues. Except with her she knows more about me than anyone else in the world. Our sex life is amazing. We still constantly flirt, I have never had more fun teasing or being teased.

But when I am not with my GF my mind starts to wander. I don't question her faithfulness but can't help questoning her devotion and involvement in our future. Every comment is magnified and I get a lot of doubts. When I am with her that all goes away. I only felt like this with my ex and that was when I was very young. I don't remember these insecurities lasting this long into the relationship.

I know this is not healthy or normal and I know it's based off my own insecurities because what my ex put me through and not feeling this way for almost ten years. Any advice anyone experiences this? This is why I joined LS. I feel like an inept kid when it comes to emotions sometimes

[Cobra_X30]

Welcome to my world friend... Typically I pull the plug at this point, and find someone else!

 

I wish I new the answer... I'll be following this post to see if someone else does.

 

Needless to say, I feel for you and I wish you the absolute best!!!!

[4givrnt4gtr]

Welcome to my world friend... Typically I pull the plug at this point, and find someone else!

ohh not very good advice...

You cant quit that easily, specially not with someone you feel that strongly for. If you do you will only end up going on a vicious cycle of dating girls and dropping them at the first sign of doubt from either part. Doubt is normal...whats not normal is serious desinterest. (in that case...do drop them!)

 

I say try to figure out if its truly just you or is it something she does that makes you feel insecured. Is it that she doesnt keep in touch when you guys dont see each other? If thats the case you may want to call her more often, i know some women are hesitant on calling their man in fear of appearing needy.

If its not her, then you need to work on yourself and the issues about your experiences with ur exs. Its hard, but its doable, you need to start by realizing that she isnt them. (I did this...every time i started thinking smack of my guy, without him giving me a reason i stopped myself and told myself "he is not them!!!"...works wonders)

Appreciate what you love about this girl, and how she demonstrates her love to you. Ofcourse, by no means be blind to obvious red flags....but do give her the benefit of the doubt. Not all girls are b***

Good luck!

[yergawd]

Welcome to my world friend... Typically I pull the plug at this point, and find someone else!

 

 

The thing is I don't want to do this at all. I want to marry her and do the whole cheesy fairy tale thing (suddenly feeling very self-emasculated). I know where some of the insecurity comes from in this relationship. She has made comments like "I have lived with a lot of guys but you're the first one that I really wanted to." She realized how bad this sounded and continued by saying "1. I wanted out of mu parent's house 2. When I got pregnant, 3. during the divorce I wanted to get out of my parent's house and liked the idea of living with someone I 'liked' instead of with them.

"I have never not been in a relationship for longer than a week." I know she doesn't like to be alone but at the same time I want to know she isn't with me because "It was 8 days and no new guy:(" She is constantly saying "You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, I wish I would have met you ten years ago" and "you are the best lover I've ever had." and "I've never had more fun with anyone." As great as it is to hear those things I hear this voice in the back of my head (I don't know why it sounds like Gilbert Godfried, but why not:D) "She's said this to EVERY guy. This is her script." I want to feel like I am as special to her as she is to me. WOW I feel so incredibly emasculated.

I want that voice gone. Anyway I'm going to go work on my FERD truck and clean my guns and look at pin up girls now

[Lizzie60]

I have to admit that she isn't making it easy for you... LOL

 

BUT you have a few choices:

 

1) dump her cause you can't take the stress

 

2) shut that little freaken voice up...

 

Sorry but there is not much you can do... this is YOUR problem and you need to deal with this or you'll be very miserable.

 

When you're not with her, do you have thoughts about leaving her or cheating on her?

 

If you don't... I bet my life that she also doesn't... I bet anything that she is thinking about you... and she can't wait to see you... same thoughts you have about her...

 

Voilà! Just enjoy her... Life is too short!

[yergawd]

I have to admit that she isn't making it easy for you... LOL

 

When you're not with her, do you have thoughts about leaving her or cheating on her?

 

If you don't... I bet my life that she also doesn't... I bet anything that she is thinking about you... and she can't wait to see you... same thoughts you have about her...

 

Voilà! Just enjoy her... Life is too short!

 

No I don't look elsewhere at all. Which is a new feeling for me. Like I said I haven't been this 'into' anyone, ever. Women that would turn my head and have my drooling like an idiot now just make me think. "Huh, she's cute" but I don't have any desire to talk to, or flirt with them. I don't even wonder to myself what she'd be like in bed. It's more like noticing something is there, but not finding any importance in it.

If I could shut the voice up I would be able to Just enjoy her but that's why I posted I don't know how to shut that voice up

[Lizzie60]

when you find yourself being insecure about her not being there... just change your mind... do something else... chase those thoughts... I know it's not easy but it's the only way.

 

Just think that she probably is thinking about you... think about the good times ... STOP imagining the worst...

[birdie]

Hi yergawd, your girl sounds really nice and honest. the reason why she says stuff like that is because she is what some call a 'blurter' ie she doesn't really stop to think about what to say, it just comes out of her mouth.

 

now that should be great security to you because the odds are, if your relationship was in trouble, you would know about it because I really don't think she would be able to keep her mouth shut hope this puts a perspective on things

[Lizzie60]

Plus I think she wants to make him feel 'special' as in 'I dump the others after ____ amount of time but with you it's different'...

 

I think that's what she means... but the way it comes out makes him feel insecure...

[birdie]

because she doesn't try to manipulate. that's definitely a good sign

[Trialbyfire]

She has the ol' foot in the mouth disease, comparing multiple exes to a current guy.

 

If this bothers you, tell her about it but don't make it a federal case. Make it a joke with a message.

[norajane]

The thing is I don't want to do this at all. I want to marry her and do the whole cheesy fairy tale thing (suddenly feeling very self-emasculated). I know where some of the insecurity comes from in this relationship. She has made comments like "I have lived with a lot of guys but you're the first one that I really wanted to." She realized how bad this sounded and continued by saying "1. I wanted out of mu parent's house 2. When I got pregnant, 3. during the divorce I wanted to get out of my parent's house and liked the idea of living with someone I 'liked' instead of with them.

"I have never not been in a relationship for longer than a week." I know she doesn't like to be alone but at the same time I want to know she isn't with me because "It was 8 days and no new guy:(" She is constantly saying "You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, I wish I would have met you ten years ago" and "you are the best lover I've ever had." and "I've never had more fun with anyone." As great as it is to hear those things I hear this voice in the back of my head (I don't know why it sounds like Gilbert Godfried, but why not:D) "She's said this to EVERY guy. This is her script." I want to feel like I am as special to her as she is to me. WOW I feel so incredibly emasculated.

I want that voice gone. Anyway I'm going to go work on my FERD truck and clean my guns and look at pin up girls now

 

Consider her words and then consider her actions. Do they match up? If so, you can believe what she says.

 

Is she kind to you? Does she do nice things for you without being asked? Does she bring home your favorite ice cream or whatever as a surprise? Does she follow through on her promises? Does her face light up when she sees you? Was she proud to introduce you to her friends and family? Does she include you when she gets together with her friends? Does she ask you how you're feeling? Does she run out in the middle of the night to get orange juice and cold medicine when you're sick? Does she talk to you about her problems and ask for advice? Does she listen when you talk? Does she care if you've had a bad day? Does she want to celebrate when you've had a triumph?

 

You get the idea...

[yergawd]

Hi yergawd, your girl sounds really nice and honest. the reason why she says stuff like that is because she is what some call a 'blurter' ie she doesn't really stop to think about what to say, it just comes out of her mouth.

 

now that should be great security to you because the odds are, if your relationship was in trouble, you would know about it because I really don't think she would be able to keep her mouth shut hope this puts a perspective on things

 

LOL:lmao: This is her to a tee!! She even has appologized for "being such an open book" And the second she has something that worries her about our relationship she talks to me. This is the only thing I haven't approached her about, because I know it's my insecurities and there's not much she could say to chase my issues away.

[yergawd]

Plus I think she wants to make him feel 'special' as in 'I dump the others after ____ amount of time but with you it's different'...

 

I think that's what she means... but the way it comes out makes him feel insecure...

 

 

She has been in two serious LTRs in the past ten years. And about 4 shorter flings. Before that, she was... well adventurous. Anyway it's the adventurous part + short time between that is what makes me the most insecure.

[yergawd]

She has the ol' foot in the mouth disease, comparing multiple exes to a current guy.

 

If this bothers you, tell her about it but don't make it a federal case. Make it a joke with a message.

 

Yeah, that took awhile to come out. ALL GUYS HATE HEARING ABOUT EXES. I finally got to the point that I would say "wow that's a turn off" When she would tell me stories about her past. She's always said I need to be blunt with her and that is the most effective way when something is bothering me. But she's never compared me to other guys in a negative way always only a positive. I just don't like even hearing about her "antics" The stories have stopped the praise continues but again I hear "This is her script" I don't know why though

[Trialbyfire]

Yeah, that took awhile to come out. ALL GUYS HATE HEARING ABOUT EXES. I finally got to the point that I would say "wow that's a turn off" When she would tell me stories about her past. She's always said I need to be blunt with her and that is the most effective way when something is bothering me. But she's never compared me to other guys in a negative way always only a positive. I just don't like even hearing about her "antics" The stories have stopped the praise continues but again I hear "This is her script" I don't know why though

Do you feel you're not worthy of the praise she gives?

[yergawd]

Consider her words and then consider her actions. Do they match up? If so, you can believe what she says.

 

Is she kind to you? Yes Does she do nice things for you without being asked? No Does she bring home your favorite ice cream or whatever as a surprise? NO Does she follow through on her promises? YES Does her face light up when she sees you? YES Was she proud to introduce you to her friends and family? No, at least not at first. She had only been separrated for six months and we moved very quickly. For awhile I felt like the other guy. Does she include you when she gets together with her friends? YES and Family now Does she ask you how you're feeling? Constantly Does she run out in the middle of the night to get orange juice and cold medicine when you're sick? NO she's a New Yorker to the bone. "Man it up you won't die" Does she talk to you about her problems and ask for advice? Not as much as I'd Like. I get the impression she holds back as not to bother me. I have to do a lot of prying and pull it out of her. Does she listen when you talk? INTENTLY Does she care if you've had a bad day? YES Does she want to celebrate when you've had a triumph? Not as much as I'd Like, sometimes I feel like she thinks I am bragging. But I'm really just sharing and excited.

 

You get the idea...

I know that was more of a rhetorical statement than a checklist of yesses and nos. But I was answering and thought this would give you a sense of our relationship

[yergawd]

Do you feel you're not worthy of the praise she gives?

 

I don't know...maybe. Yeah, that is part of it. I also feel even though I know it's sincere, she's just saying what I want to hear. This is not her at all. Like I said she's a New Yorker to the bone. But yes I don't take compliments from anyone well. My folks were saying how proud they were I got my 4yr degree. I blew that off and thought it's not like I am a doctor. or have accomplished anything with it yet. Very insightful TBF I never stopped and looked at that pattern before. I guess the question is really why Do i feel I'm not worthy of the praise she gives. that's a lot to think about.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't know...maybe. Yeah, that is part of it. I also feel even though I know it's sincere, she's just saying what I want to hear. This is not her at all. Like I said she's a New Yorker to the bone. But yes I don't take compliments from anyone well. My folks were saying how proud they were I got my 4yr degree. I blew that off and thought it's not like I am a doctor. or have accomplished anything with it yet. Very insightful TBF I never stopped and looked at that pattern before. I guess the question is really why Do i feel I'm not worthy of the praise she gives. that's a lot to think about.

Value yourself yergawd. She can see these positives, now it's up to you to believe them.

[yergawd]

Value yourself yergawd. She can see these positives, now it's up to you to believe them.

 

You are a goddess thank you TBF

[Trialbyfire]

You are a goddess thank you TBF

You're welcome darlin'...

[uniqueone]

Everyone knows that feeling whenyou are first dating someone that you really like. "Do they really like me?" "What if they get tired of me?" "am I around her too much" "...ETC....ETC...ETC..."

 

 

Quick flashback for those that haven't been taking notes.

 

1 year out of a miserable marraige. After some dating and doing a lot of what DateAnalyzer has been doing (no offense bud was there did that:D)

Am now involved in a great relationship. Live together and talking about eventual marraige.

 

Between my ex and all the nonesense involved in dating I am somewhat jaded and find it very hard to talk about emotional issues. Except with her she knows more about me than anyone else in the world. Our sex life is amazing. We still constantly flirt, I have never had more fun teasing or being teased.

But when I am not with my GF my mind starts to wander. I don't question her faithfulness but can't help questoning her devotion and involvement in our future. Every comment is magnified and I get a lot of doubts. When I am with her that all goes away. I only felt like this with my ex and that was when I was very young. I don't remember these insecurities lasting this long into the relationship.

I know this is not healthy or normal and I know it's based off my own insecurities because what my ex put me through and not feeling this way for almost ten years. Any advice anyone experiences this? This is why I joined LS. I feel like an inept kid when it comes to emotions sometimes

 

What in the world are you doing considering marriage after being out of a marriage for only a year??? Let alone a BAD marriage! And how soon did you two move in together?

 

Do you realize you're setting yourself up for a second divorce?

 

You only trust her when she's right in front of your nose. How realistic is THAT? As time goes on, couples tend to stop doing EVERYTHING together. What are you going to do then? Put a tracking device on her?

 

You're in NO WAY ready to get married again. You shouldn't even be living with someone at this point.

 

Your issues from the past won't just magically figure themselves out. You'll fall into the same patterns with her. It might not seem like it now because right now all you're seeing is butterflies and daisies, but that's what will happen.

 

You have a lot to work on before you consider marriage. Don't set yourself up for a second divorce due to the need for security you're grasping for. Far too many people have jumped into a second marriage because that's what's familiar to them. They get divorced and find out that it's a big scary single world out there....and they want their security back.

 

You won't get security through marriage at this point. You'll only get security if you work on the issues that are causing you to grab so tightly onto it.

[yergawd]

What in the world are you doing considering marriage after being out of a marriage for only a year??? Let alone a BAD marriage! And how soon did you two move in together? I was married for ten years the last few years were basically celibate; we were awkward roomates at the end. I consider these last few years as being alone. I was faithful but miserable. I have had two LTRs in between. One relationship was, well, a different set up and was just about fun. A few shorter flings inbetween. I had a connection with all of them. I'm not new to dating just feeling this deeply. We had known eachother about 5 months and spent the entire 5 months together.

 

You only trust her when she's right in front of your nose. How realistic is THAT? No, I don't mistrust her, I do wonder if her feelings for me are as strong as she acts like they are. Read the other posts to get a feel on this. As time goes on, couples tend to stop doing EVERYTHING together. What are you going to do then? Put a tracking device on her? I trust her implicitly. She is open and honest to a fault.

 

You're in NO WAY ready to get married again. Not getting married tomorrow. Not sooner than 2009 You shouldn't even be living with someone at this point. I respect the opinion but that is our decision to wake up next to eachother in our house instead of at her house while paying for my own

 

Your issues from the past won't just magically figure themselves out. You'll fall into the same patterns with her. What same patterns? Yes I am jaded a little from the past who isn't? What I was asking is about moving forward. I don't want to self sabotge. I want to be able to take what she says at face value and stop looking at things with the same skepticism I had before.It might not seem like it now because right now all you're seeing is butterflies and daisies, but that's what will happen. For "all diasies and butterflies" we do way too much arguing for that. We call eachother out constantly, plus dealing with our own children plus eachother's those daisies are pretty thorny.

 

You have a lot to work on before you consider marriage. As far as marraige the actual word has not been brought up. We do talk about growing old together and 'forever' has come up more than once. I have set a timetable of not less than one year to purpose, but I want to get to that year without any doubts. I know of her past she knows of mine this won't be the first marraige for either we know the odds. I am working on my issues and am asking for advice from those that might have similar insecurities.

 

Don't set yourself up for a second divorce due to the need for security you're grasping for. Far too many people have jumped into a second marriage because that's what's familiar to them. They get divorced and find out that it's a big scary single world out there....and they want their security back. No, what I want is certainty and right now I am not. Hence, no purposal. If this goes to the alter great! if not I don't want to look back and say I blew it because of my issues.

 

You won't get security through marriage at this point. AGREE again I don't want to pass up someone that seems to be a perfect fit, because of my issues. You'll only get security if you work on the issues that are causing you to grab so tightly onto it.

 

I have to have something written after the

[Cobra_X30]

The thing is I don't want to do this at all. I want to marry her and do the whole cheesy fairy tale thing (suddenly feeling very self-emasculated). I know where some of the insecurity comes from in this relationship. She has made comments like "I have lived with a lot of guys but you're the first one that I really wanted to." She realized how bad this sounded and continued by saying "1. I wanted out of mu parent's house 2. When I got pregnant, 3. during the divorce I wanted to get out of my parent's house and liked the idea of living with someone I 'liked' instead of with them.

"I have never not been in a relationship for longer than a week." I know she doesn't like to be alone but at the same time I want to know she isn't with me because "It was 8 days and no new guy:(" She is constantly saying "You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, I wish I would have met you ten years ago" and "you are the best lover I've ever had." and "I've never had more fun with anyone." As great as it is to hear those things I hear this voice in the back of my head (I don't know why it sounds like Gilbert Godfried, but why not:D) "She's said this to EVERY guy. This is her script." I want to feel like I am as special to her as she is to me. WOW I feel so incredibly emasculated.

I want that voice gone. Anyway I'm going to go work on my FERD truck and clean my guns and look at pin up girls now

 

First... I wasnt giving you advice to dump her. I was actually saying that I share the exact same problem you do and I dont really know how to fix it.

 

I know all the girls here read this and think she just "blurts" things out, but those arent the type of things that just fall out of your mouth.

 

Its more likely IMHO, that she is a people pleaser. She says these things to ellicit a positive response from you. So I would take these statements with the whole bloody salt shaker, not just one grain!

 

She has kind of a wild past.... and honestly... past behavior is the absolute best way to predict future behavior. Unless she has been dating circus freaks, she is going to have the same issues with you that she had with the last guy. What caused the destruction of her last few relationships?

 

The idea that I needed to find a new place to live so I moved in with this guy... thats kind of indicative of a shopper type! Those girls are always looking for a better deal, because its all about what you do for her! First time a guy comes along and offers a better deal... she's gone.

 

Of course, there is a strong possibility that none of this applies to your girl, or maybe a little in varying degrees. Only you can figure that out for sure!

[Kamille]

I am such a hopeless optimist that I believe that believing the best in people is always better then thinking the worst.

 

I have learned through heartache that one also has to be practical at times.

 

However, i think Uniqueone's and Cobra's last posts are somewhat very jaded.

 

On Unique's: there is nothing wrong with working on yourself with the help of other people. You are here asking for help. Why shouldn't you deal with your past issues with her support as well? Outside of puppy love, nobody shows up in a relationship unscathed.

 

About Cobra's: doubt someone and they will most likely become worthy of your doubts. Believe in them and they will strive to live up to the image of you have of them. I know it's cheesy and cliché and some people are here to testify that it doesn't always pan out that way. But all in all, there is a bigger risk opting for plan one rather then plan two.