Is the writing on the wall?

[longwalks]

Picture this...please (this is my first post so I appreciate you even reading this)

 

I've been dating a woman in her mid-thirties for 5 months. The experience has been very positive (we spend a great deal of time together, lots of laughs, strong physical attraction, a recent romantic trip to Europe)

 

Last night, after sex, I mentioned that I felt subtle differences in the way she looked and spoke to me during the past week and I asked her if "she wanted me less than she did before?"

 

"I don't know" was her response, along with "can we talk about it tomorrow"

 

This morning she explained that she was pre-occupied with her impending apartment move and that subsequently made of her think of signing a 12 month ease and being one year older, etc, etc, and not knowing where she was going and general feelings of uncertainty and doubt.

 

I'll get into details below, but I wonder, what would be your gut reaction if you had to estimate the odds that she is looking to end this relationship?

 

 

Background info:

 

I had known her a while from a long distance. She was married, so I never considered her as a romantic option. Then she separated from her husband and coincidentally, she did some freelance assignments where I work. We hung out for coffee. Among other things, we spoke about our romantic disappointments, our current dating partners, etc. Our chats became more frequent. A push and pull scnario emerged, I was developing a stealth crush on her (later found out the reverse was also in play) but I never acted on it because I still thought of her as "married", and I was dating or interested in others. I kept my crush hidden, even to myself it seems, until it became so ridiculously obvious to both of us that our connection had to be addressed.

 

When we started dating, she warned me that her life was a bit crazy, she dreamed of moving to another city, she was still sad about filling out divorce papers (this man has been in her life since she was 20). She dated a few people in between, but I'm the only other serious relationship.

 

Despite her words of caution -"let's date others", shortly became, "let's be exclusive but let's not call each other boyf/girlf", which shortly became "i'm your girlfriend" - (the whole process took 3 months) I always knew that her words were partly said in fear. The look in here eye and the passion in her kisses were always more generous. The first few times I said I love you, she didn't reply in words but in enthusiastic kisses.

 

This is what worries me: Now, she says I love you, but in the past 5 days, her eyes and touch have been less convincing.

 

I know 5 days is a short time, but don't big breakups start with little cracks such as these?

 

Anyway, I just wanted to share and learn from you.

 

I told her that I'm sorry that I vocalized my stress and that I won't bring it up again. I can rationalize many benign reasons behind this (moodiness, uncertainty about other apsects of her life) Perhaps, it's the normal fear of having one's self attached with someone so deeply. (ie..she stopped mentioning moving to another city, she suggested the impromptu trip to Europe (maybe it surprised and scared even her)

 

As you can tell, my mind is all over the place on this one. My gut is less positive, but, perhaps I'm giving it too much say.

 

What do you think?

[Scorpio13c]

Hey Longwalks,

Always listen to your gut, it never lies, i've always known something wasn't right when my gut told me & it's been proven right all the time.

She's showing negative signs that you are picking up on, that's why your gut feels strange.

I'd definately pull back a few notches if i were you.

Sorry you're having to go through this.

 

Scorp

[longwalks]

Appreciate your words, Scorpio.

 

Listening to my gut right now is akin to hopping on the electric chair before the verdict is read out loud. Not fun.

 

I'm contemplating being pro-active and forcing a break-up by explaining how this uncertainty is not my idea of a good relationship. I probably won't since I genuinely love and admire this woman and seriously thought she might be the one.

[marty]

i would pull back also. the longer it all gets drawn out the more hurt YOU will become.

 

you should be protecting yourself from heartache as much as can , no matter how horrible it is to do now,,, it'll be ten times worse if you leave it.

 

she doesnt seem to be in the same place as you.

 

sorry to hear your going through this. i know its hard to have feelings for someone who doesnt feel quite the same. its heartbreaking,,,, i know,,,, i'm still recovering.

 

just dont take the easy route and hope for the best,, it rarely happens. the harder route is so much more painful to do, but its quicker,,, and you'll recover quicker.

[longwalks]

Thx for your words Marty.

 

I read your story and I'm glad to see that you've turned a big corner.

 

After some dilly-dallying on her part, she wants to hang out tonight. I plan to play it cool (see how that goes). I'm definitely not starting any talks about the relationship.

 

I also made a bunch of plans over the next few days with some buddies, and, I know this sounds a bit cold, but I will start to explore other romantic options - very casual and friendly like in the next while as a margin of safety.

 

My "off-line" friends think that I'm over reacting because I got dumped completely out of the blue by someone else about a year ago. They think I'm jumping the gun. The fact that she's on her period, that she's moving, that she's still signing divorce papers, and contemplating the rest of her life are all reasons they cite for me temper my fear. However, all I have is my gut and I'm determined not to go through the same thing as last year when all my "irrational fears" turned out to be true.

[Scorpio13c]

Hey Longwalks,

Don't listen to those friends who are telling you that you are jumping the gun, you're not.

You know what she's been through, you knew what circumstances you were taking on when you got involved with her right?

Now you know what your guts been telling you, "She isn'T over him"

You know that it & i think this is true.

I agree that you should be looking at other options.

I'm sorry if i come across as harsh, i just don't want to see you go through what i have.

 

Peace Man

 

Scorp

[longwalks]

Just an update. Our Saturday night date turned into an entire day Sunday affair. It was a sweet, fun, sexy time.

 

I took her out to an impromptu dinner Tuesday night; she was very excited.

 

Yet, my gut continues to leave me wary.

 

She says little things that leave me perplexed. Also, I've noticed that she's having a bit of trouble deciding and managing other things in her life. More overwhelmed than usual, she might be suffering from an acute form of "what am I doing with my life". At this point in time, I'm most probably part of the confusion more than the solution.

 

I want to help her but I want to protect myself. I've decided not to push for clarity (in my experience this rarely resolves to the upside). Backing off also carries its own risks (backing off is sad for me, may be hurtful for her, in turn more sad for me - a never ending spiral)

 

I've decided to back off in a small way...open myself up to the possibility of being with someone new...and let time takes it's course.

 

It sucks to be so in one's own head when it comes to romance, but it's all I can do for now.

 

Thank you for listening and the feedback. I can assure you that this board has made a positive difference for me.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Longwalks, from a womans perspective, when a man backs off from me, it's my gut that starts to play haywire wondering "Does he even love me?" whereas most of the time my man has backed off because of his gut saying "Whats wrong with her? Is she backing off? I better play it cool and protect myself" and thus, the whole downward spiral of a relationship breakup due to lack of communication begins. I've given off signals of not being happy because of all sorts of different reasons, not particularly relationship ones. It really could be the stress of her life changing beyond recognition in recent times.

 

It took me a few years to trust my gut but also realise I'm super sensitive to other peoples smallest reactions. Its a fine balance between reading them both. The solution to stopping the gut reactions? Communicate. Ask her. Tell her honestly how you are feeling. Tell her about your gut.

 

By the way, I would also tell her response of "I dont know - can we talk about it in the morning?" was not good enough. Its way too murky. You deserve to know that you're both reading from the same page and she should respect your willingness to keep tabs on how she is feeling in the relationship.

 

Lastly, I'm sure you'll have taken this into account, but she does need time to grieve for her old life and her ex-husband. Its a long time she was with him and for a certain amount of time she may even make comparisons between her relationship with him and her relationship with you. You're going to need a lot of patience and understanding if you want to work through that with her.

 

Hope it works out

[tinke]

longwalks

 

as we gain wisdon from our experiences, hopefully we incorporate it into our future. i believe we have radars out for particular pending problems, or simply what we've learned we will not tolerate. this is what you are feeling in your gut, it's that ole familiar feeling...don't dismiss it.

 

have you considered setting a scheduled time to sit down and talk about your relationship and future together? this will allow her the time to prepare for the discussion and ability to give it the time it deserves.

 

i myself, am always leary of relationships which develop quickly, the fantasies begin before the foundation. given time, the true self is exposed and change the dynamics which may be entirely different from the initial phase...the "perfect future, perfect image" may not be as one believed.

[celia]

here's what I think...

 

the woman has a life. yes you are IN her life, but she also has a life. i think when we are in relationships, we tend to think everything revolves around us or the relationship, when in fact it does not.

 

she could very well be overwhelmed with things, and she could very well be thinking "do I like this guy?"... "is this guy marriage material?"... there is nothing wrong with those questions.

 

you are dating her to see if it's a good fit, and she is dating you for the same reason. she may have been having an off day the day you asked her about her feelings, and maybe she is having lots of off's days. what i am saying is that relationships grow on a continual basis. if this woman was madly in love with you from the start and wanted to marry you right away, you should worry and run!!... but the fact that she seems to be thinking about things is probably good.

 

you just need to be yourself and just date her. if she likes you, she will stick around... if she doesn't, she will leave. if it's meant to be, it will work out, if not, it won't.

 

i know, its hard to play by those basic rules, but really it's that basic.

[longwalks]

I'm very grateful for the feedback. Thank you all.

 

Though every situation is different, it's amazing how some facets of relationship dynamics can be quite universal.

 

No Regrets, I think you hit the nail on the head regarding the need to distinguish between listening to one's gut and being overly sensitive. It's that fine line between being perceptively careful and reacting to imaginary ghosts on the wall. I agree that communication is the key to avoiding the downward spiral effect, but, as things are going well at the moment, if something short of something major comes up, I have resolved to let it go undiscussed. My feeling is that if one were to discuss all the fluctuations, there would be little time to discuss anything else.

 

celia and tinke, I think you're both right to be leery of things that develop quickly. Time will reveal the mystery as it unfolds. I must show patience, endeavour to have a relationship, not just talk about one.