I've made my decision-- needed!

[Zapbasket]

Hi Tinke...

 

greencove, how's it going?

although i am not a religious (spiritual, yes) person, i have found great comfort with the knowledge that we cannot control things/situations. as time goes by, i am still not completely over him, but, i feel the way in which he left, hurts most.

 

One thing that comforts me, in finding myself not over him at all, is that I have realized just how sincere I was in my intentions towards him and love for him. I really, really meant it and I wish my actions had done a better job during the relationship of showing just how much I loved him. I indulged in too many petty squabbles and I wish last fall I'd just wrapped my arms around him and stroked his hair and said, "We're having a hard time and going through a lot of adjustments but I love you so much." Instead I got scared and reacted, and then he got scared and reacted, which made me more scared and I reacted, which made him more scared, etc. and now here we are.

 

Yes, the way he left is agonizing and ironically even more so now because time has had a chance to prove that he really meant it all. It's as his mum said back in January to me, "I guess time will eventually reveal how he feels about the relationship." And it has. He will never apologize for that e-mail or the way he left--because he meant every bit of it. It's so painful, as I know it is for you regarding how you were left.

 

in the down times, i have to believe something/someone higher has said NO to the relationship...no matter how badly we may want them.

as painful as it is, perhaps it is to spare us from greater grief in the long-run.

 

you've said you have learned so much from your ex. maybe that was the purpose of your time together...to learn these lessons..for the future.

 

with time, the pain is dulling...still feels surreal at times.

but, i have come to the realization that we cannot control this. and during these times, i do find some comfort in knowing it is out of my hands, someone else is leading.

don't mean to get religious, but i just wanted to share some thoughts that have helped me. hope they may help you, too.

 

Even without the idea that someone else is leading, the realization that it is out of my hands because the outcome is equally contingent upon the choices and actions of another is as frustrating as it is humbling. It's like what I said several posts ago, that his silence is communicating more clearly than any communication he mustered in the relationship. *That* hurts, because I never wanted anything other than a partner; I never wanted to have control over the relationship; I constantly asked him what he wanted and he chose always to just go along with my decisions (and he didn't engage when I tried to discuss what I was thinking with him beore making a decision) and then would resent me for them. And now I'm left to look like "the difficult one" while he looks (from the outside) like this easygoing guy who got whipped by the Bullinachinashop girlfriend. Or so it feels. I guess I can take some solace in knowing that if not before, NOW at last his needs are being met. I just wish it didn't have to be accomplished by throwing me out like so much burdensome garbage. But what I meant in this ramble is that theere is something comforting in recognizing how key the INTERPLAY of two people is in maintaining a relationship; it's not just the wishes and actions of one person.

 

 

we have similar situations and felt similar emotions to the sudden departure, so i do understand your pain.

well as far as contacting him.......you have to work on what is right for YOU.

if contacting him once again will give you the solid answers(even with no reply) you need, then do it. but try somewhere to have your limits or you'll be back to analyzing everything with no real conclusion.

 

It feels so comforting to know of someone else who is going through something similar. I always feel relieved and exhilarated when I see a post from you (here's another bunny for your "collection," lol).

 

As far as contacting him, did I mention what happened on the online dating site? After we were sent to each other's mailboxes as mutual matches, he changed his headline to "Looking for something completely different." I talked to several people about that and they all think he put that there for me to see. And I think, why? Why have to hurt me again? Why in the first place sully your dating profile by including any allusions to your ex?--after all, that headline means nothing to anyone else, only something to him and to me as only we both know what that means: Not Greencove. I mean, geez, it's not like I was going to try to contact him through this site; if I want to contact him I can call e-mail, or write to him directly. I think that was so uncalled for and it makes me so disappointed because it shows where he is mentally with this whole thing--i.e., he's nowhere near being open to hearing from me. I dunno, what do you think of his putting up that headline? So hurtful....

 

thinking of you

wishing you peaceful holidays

 

Ditto, Tinke. Have a wonderful holiday filled with lots of love and things that make you feel good.

[underpants]

Chin up Greencove,

 

It sounds like your ex is wanting to play the field or explore different types of women. That is what I take from the title change. The message was probably more of an affirmation to himself then a message to you. It may have been spawned from the reaction to seeing you come up as a match. I don't think it was an intentional blow to you. At any rate, it does show where his head is.

 

I agree, he is not open to dealing with you. Sorry.

 

I did like that you learned that "interplay" is key in a healthy relationship. Interaction and communication are very important.

 

It is time to focus a little less on the ex and think about how to make the relationship you want work with someone else that can be on the same page as you.

 

I hope it happens for you and I have faith that it will.

 

Hugs girl.

[Zapbasket]

Chin up Greencove,

 

It sounds like your ex is wanting to play the field or explore different types of women. That is what I take from the title change. The message was probably more of an affirmation to himself then a message to you. It may have been spawned from the reaction to seeing you come up as a match. I don't think it was an intentional blow to you. At any rate, it does show where his head is.

 

I agree, he is not open to dealing with you. Sorry.

 

I did like that you learned that "interplay" is key in a healthy relationship. Interaction and communication are very important.

 

It is time to focus a little less on the ex and think about how to make the relationship you want work with someone else that can be on the same page as you.

 

I hope it happens for you and I have faith that it will.

 

Hugs girl.

 

Hi Unders, how's it going?

 

Thanks for your reply. What you say about my ex rings true. If I had only ever been his friend, I'd have thought he should have played the field since he was so unsure of what he wanted regarding nearly everything. He has a lot of growing to do before he's ready to settle down and frankly so do I. This is all coming from my dancing to hip hop on the radio just now and packing for my ski trip for the week (I'm all jazzed up), but...I CAN PLAY THE FIELD TOO! And I've been getting tons of offers--more so far from real life than match.com but I definitely don't have to worry about having dates to occupy my time. I guess I should just get out there and enjoy it to the max, and keep a small part of myself quietly observing what makes me tick and what doesn't.

 

I wish I knew how to unglue my mind from my ex; I'm trying and in some ways I'm doing great--i.e., going out, making new friends (always a slow process but I am patient), thinking about what I'm going to do job- and living-wise come the new year and how I'm going to make it happen.

 

I guess what's hardest about this is that he made a choice about what was right for him at this stage of his life and everything that he does ensues from that choice. There's a certain freedom and ease of mind that comes with that. I didn't have a choice in the outcome of our relationship and what's been hard is that it was something I really really wanted. So I have to make peace with something that made a lot of sense to me being stripped from me, and it feels like the choices that I have to make now are feeble because I know that I'm making these choices in response to a loss. I have ABBA's "The Winner Takes it All" running through my mind right now; it feels like that sometimes. I have lost my power--as I've said this truly is the first time my hard work and sincerity didn't result in what I'd aimed for. Other times I've not gotten what I wanted, I realized that it wasn't really what I wanted in the first place and so there was a certain freedom that came withi the loss. Not in this case. The more time that passes the more I realize that it really wa something I genuinely wanted.

 

Anyway. I hope 2008 brings some of that joyful liberation from the pain that I'm hoping for, and some joyful surprises and twists and turns. I hope the same for you and have a wonderful holiday! Take care Unders

[Racquel Colette]

I don't think that because someone falls out of love with you and doesn't want to work on reviving that love, and making it work as you have said, that makes a person immature in any way.

You seem to feel that a relationship of love takes a lot of work and really it wasn't coming naturally throughout the entire relationship from what you have described. He never wanted to really commit to you in any way; he never really was in love with you.

I think you need to take that simple fact for what it is and move on. It is a bit egocentric to believe that changing his profile headline had anything to do with you. That would be him assuming that you are taking the time and effort to go back and check his dating profile, which is certainly something he isn't thinking of doing with your profile. Seriously, he isn't sending you any sort of message; he isn't considering you or factoring you in at all. It is time for you to stop considering him and factoring in at all. Every little thing he does doesn't have to anything to do with you, that is sort of egocentric and kinda weird to believe that.

When he changed his profile title, he just meant he was looking for a unique type of woman. He has been single from you for a year now and wants a relationship with someone he can truly fall in love with and commit to.

It is time to accept that he broke up with you because he realized that you were not the woman he loved or that who could make him happy. He didn't want to work on making the relationship work because why would he when he wasn't happy with that relationship?

That doesn't mean that he is wrong in any way, it just means that he didn't want you in his life anymore and that does not make him bad. You wanted something different, and that sucks, but it's time for you to look for someone who really wants you.

Not all relationships work and that is not a bad thing. It is just life.

Edited December 26, 2007 by Racquel Colette

[Zapbasket]

Ah, Raquel, what would any of us on Loveshack do without your penetrating insight into relationships and men?

[tinke]

hi g.c.,

hope your Christmas was enjoyable.

after reading your replies, the one thing that hit me (again), is that you often express your "failures" in the relationship...what you should have done differently, etc.

but...think about it...he could have done things differently also. which of course would have changed your pattern. why not think, he could have held ME and stroked my hair stating I am going through a tough time and that he loves ME!

 

knock him off that pedastal or you will have a great feat in healing! sure, he was wonderful, etc., but....remember, he didn't communicate!

nor did he bother to communicate his feelings prior or when he left!

surely, you are worth more!!!!!

even an apology for the hurt..something!

 

i do understand you still have love for him, but..please, be brave and look at his faults too. there was a reason you reacted the way you did, a reason you held back, etc. think about it. please quit blaming yourself. you are not responsible for HIS actions.

 

slowly, i am beginning to look to the future without the ex. yes, there was much mine could have said/done differently, also. but, for some reason, this is the outcome.

i cannot say i am still in love with him, i miss the him i once knew though. however, that person has been removed and a stranger remains.

please, try to be kind to you...release the burden! who else will be as kind?

 

as far as the headline...since i know he is uncommunicative through your posts, my guess is that he may be sending a signal. not to hurt you, but perhaps, to re-enforce his decision. sorry for the sting. sorry, G.C., but he may be making a statement that he truly IS moving on. don't know. what other reason to post that?

 

glad to hear you are out dating...one day, the right one will appear and you will know what all this was about. but...first, you must be willing.

 

hang in there, look how very far you've come.

i still cannot believe at times judging from what i felt many months ago, that here i am breathing and in motion. it's been a long journey, never would i want to return to step one. when i think of this, i realize how very far i've come. you also!

 

have faith! take care of you!

[Leikela]

I don't think that because someone falls out of love with you and doesn't want to work on reviving that love, and making it work as you have said, that makes a person immature in any way.

You seem to feel that a relationship of love takes a lot of work and really it wasn't coming naturally throughout the entire relationship from what you have described. He never wanted to really commit to you in any way; he never really was in love with you.

I think you need to take that simple fact for what it is and move on. It is a bit egocentric to believe that changing his profile headline had anything to do with you. That would be him assuming that you are taking the time and effort to go back and check his dating profile, which is certainly something he isn't thinking of doing with your profile. Seriously, he isn't sending you any sort of message; he isn't considering you or factoring you in at all. It is time for you to stop considering him and factoring in at all. Every little thing he does doesn't have to anything to do with you, that is sort of egocentric and kinda weird to believe that.

When he changed his profile title, he just meant he was looking for a unique type of woman. He has been single from you for a year now and wants a relationship with someone he can truly fall in love with and commit to.

It is time to accept that he broke up with you because he realized that you were not the woman he loved or that who could make him happy. He didn't want to work on making the relationship work because why would he when he wasn't happy with that relationship?

That doesn't mean that he is wrong in any way, it just means that he didn't want you in his life anymore and that does not make him bad. You wanted something different, and that sucks, but it's time for you to look for someone who really wants you.

Not all relationships work and that is not a bad thing. It is just life.

 

It seriously takes a lot of guts to write something like this Racquel. How do you know what her EX is thinking? How do you know he didn't really love her? How do you know his headline wasn't aimed at her? Do you know her EX? You can love someone but realize a relationship with them is not possible. It takes more than love to make a relationship work.

 

I think it is a bit egocentric of you to assume you know the reasoning behind her breakup and the thoughts in her EX's head. Unless YOU'RE him, you really have no clue what is going on in his head.

 

You sound frustrated that GreenCove is so hung up on her EX, but writing these type of non-constructive posts aren't going to help her. Your "advice" is so harsh in nature, like you know it all. We are all different and this is how she's handling her breakup. If that annoys you, then simply stop reading her thread. Your posts aren't going to cause her to wake up one day and be over her EX. Let her stew, let her heal. It might be a fast process for you but that's what makes us all unique. She is different. You can already see she is starting to accept she'll never be with him again. She is taking a step in the right direction. Ease up on her.

[tinke]

hang in there G.C., you are not alone!

 

don't know how to send a bunny..but, consider one sent!

[Zapbasket]

Hi Tinke and Happy New Year! Hope your holidays surpassed your expectations....

 

after reading your replies, the one thing that hit me (again), is that you often express your "failures" in the relationship...what you should have done differently, etc.

but...think about it...he could have done things differently also. which of course would have changed your pattern. why not think, he could have held ME and stroked my hair stating I am going through a tough time and that he loves ME!

 

i do understand you still have love for him, but..please, be brave and look at his faults too. there was a reason you reacted the way you did, a reason you held back, etc. think about it. please quit blaming yourself. you are not responsible for HIS actions.

 

You are right and I do need to keep in mind that the fault was mutual...and probably more due to the combination of circumstances (the prolonged long distance) and inexperience (on both our parts) than anything else; in which case neither of us really is to blame.

 

I wish sometimes that my ex were a true jerk because then it would be easy to just vilify him and chant "good riddance" to myself every time I feel a longing for him. He truly is, overall, a very good person and while I don't at all like how he ended things and the fact that he has made no effort to find out how I am or amend the awful disrespect he showed me in the breakup, I feel I know him too well to believe it means he doesn't care.

 

Still, though I can't see this 100% clearly yet (still have this impulse to put him up on the pedastal--why do so many of us who've been ditched do that; what purpose does it serve?)...in how he ended things and handled the aftermath he showed himself to be less worthy than I made him out to be. Someone I'd want to be my life partner would have enough respect for the time we shared that he'd not just chuck the whole thing, and me, by the wayside in the rude way he did. I wouldn't have had to beg him to talk to me and see me; he'd have asked to see me in person rather than attempted to end it over the telephone by hanging up on me and turning off his phone. And someone worthy, if in the heat of anger he did that, would then turn around and apologize and enable me to walk away with dignity and not degradation.

 

slowly, i am beginning to look to the future without the ex. yes, there was much mine could have said/done differently, also. but, for some reason, this is the outcome.

i cannot say i am still in love with him, i miss the him i once knew though. however, that person has been removed and a stranger remains.

please, try to be kind to you...release the burden! who else will be as kind?

 

True again, Tinke . As I get older I understand increasingly how important it is that each of us treats ourselves as we'd like to be treated...because people will only ever be as kind to us as we are to ourselves. Phew! So easy to type that and sound like I know what I'm talking about . This breakup has caused me to examine a lot of my relationships more closely and it seems that you really have to hold firm boundaries, otherwise people will walk over you. I'm a very open person and sadly I'm finding that warm reserve is a better way to go. Sad, because I started off my early 20s very reserved and worked hard to be more open and honest and it seems not everyone deserves that; it's best saved for the few who actually do. That's very hard for me!

 

Tinke, I've always said to you that I really think your ex will regret his decision some day. He may never make it known to you, but he will regret it as from all you said he sounds incapable of knowing how to find fulfillment from WITHIN; letting you go was just a temporary fix and he'll have to face the truth of that at some point. But, by then what he thinks or feels will be inconsequential for you...though I do hope he one day reaches out to you as it always feels good to receive confirmation that you were loved.

 

as far as the headline...since i know he is uncommunicative through your posts, my guess is that he may be sending a signal. not to hurt you, but perhaps, to re-enforce his decision. sorry for the sting. sorry, G.C., but he may be making a statement that he truly IS moving on. don't know. what other reason to post that?

 

Indeed: why post that? Whatever the reason, it just seems immature to me. If he's so moved on, he wouldn't need to differentiate between what he's looking for now versus what he had. He wouldn't need to re-inforce his decision; that's pretty egotistical of him if he thought I would try to contact him through the site. AS IF!!! And he wouldn't need to put that as his dating headling--not very classy, imo...though I notice that many profiles on match.com are not very classy. I just thought *he* had more class. Also, that he changed the headline after we were sent to each other's inboxes as mutual matches...I just feel like he had to know what he was doing. It just makes me feel really... inside.

 

hang in there, look how very far you've come.

i still cannot believe at times judging from what i felt many months ago, that here i am breathing and in motion. it's been a long journey, never would i want to return to step one. when i think of this, i realize how very far i've come. you also!

 

have faith! take care of you!

 

Very true, and thanks! It is a slow process and I guess I accept that. We have both indeed come a long way! Ditto on taking care of you and having faith....

[Zapbasket]

It seriously takes a lot of guts to write something like this Racquel. How do you know what her EX is thinking? How do you know he didn't really love her? How do you know his headline wasn't aimed at her? Do you know her EX? You can love someone but realize a relationship with them is not possible. It takes more than love to make a relationship work.

 

I think it is a bit egocentric of you to assume you know the reasoning behind her breakup and the thoughts in her EX's head. Unless YOU'RE him, you really have no clue what is going on in his head.

 

You sound frustrated that GreenCove is so hung up on her EX, but writing these type of non-constructive posts aren't going to help her. Your "advice" is so harsh in nature, like you know it all. We are all different and this is how she's handling her breakup. If that annoys you, then simply stop reading her thread. Your posts aren't going to cause her to wake up one day and be over her EX. Let her stew, let her heal. It might be a fast process for you but that's what makes us all unique. She is different. You can already see she is starting to accept she'll never be with him again. She is taking a step in the right direction. Ease up on her.

 

Leikela,

 

Thanks for your support. Racquel's entitled to her opinion and at times I, too, think along the same lines as her, but her delivery is rather off-putting and her intent is questionable. I can't really identify with replying to someone saying, "He never loved you." Racquel sounds suspiciously like Blackberry and IzzyB (the latter two I know were the same people). But enough of this.

 

As for my process of surmounting my hurt and disappointment and putting my love in a place where it bolsters my endeavors rather than cripples me with pain and regret, it's true I'm "slow," whatever that means. But I think it is very important to look at every angle as honestly as possible, and to feel everything as deeply as possible, so that I can truly relegate all of this to the past, eventually, and not play out the same themes in future situations. I feel that doing this is the only way to keep this breakup from hindering me in the long run.

 

I decided several months ago to keep this thread going rather than keep starting new threads, to make this thread sort-of like a "diary of moving past a breakup" that hopefully might benefit others looking for confirmation that everything they're feeling is perfectly normal and that a broken relationship IS and SHOULD BE a really big deal. In a way, I'm GLAD to see myself so heartbroken over this because it shows that I was really invested in something I truly cared about and not just coasting and dragging someone along for the ride. That's why I take care to write out things in as much detail as possible; doing so benefits me as he helps me see the architecture of what I'm feeling so that I can administer to my emotions better, and I hope it benefits others going through similar emotions.

 

Thanks again, Leikela--and ps, I surmounted the urge to contact him and I feel great that he didn't hear nary a peep from me for the entire holidays! I'm going to stick with not contacting him because really, if it doesn't come from him at this point then I don't even want it.

[tinke]

happy new year to you too, G.C., hope you partake in its' many offerings.

 

thanks for the kind words!

i do have my moments when i still try to figure out...what?..why? but it is becoming less and less important to me. i've exhausted myself over these past many months and i believe i have surrendered to the fact that...for whatever reason, it is done!

and yes, i do agree with your thoughts on him. he immediately looks for someone to fill that void, that too, in time, will become old...and i am sure he will once again, find fault.

 

i have also come to grips to the depths of his immaturity. like you said, degrading is not purposeful! i know in my heart, i am no longer in love with him. i do, however, miss the activities, the comfort in silence, etc.

i know in my heart i can never be at ease with him again...always awaiting the next time.

plus, never would i have believed he could dismiss me in such a manner. so, this makes it easier to keep forging ahead.

 

it is also comforting to know, i did not leave, i will never have to think about my departure and how it affected him!

 

so glad to hear you kept strong and did not contact him, bet he probably expected you to. it will get easier. at least easier not to long for him. yes, keep in mind, as easy as it is to glorify your ex, he did have his faults also which contributed to the distance. i'm sure he is a kind man, as you are kind. but, it takes two to make it work or fail. for me personally, non-communication will be my red flag for the future. just too difficult to always guess/assume the others thoughts. leaves too much unsaid, too many misunderstandings, etc.

 

you are correct, IF my ex ever did regret his decision...it would never be known to me!

 

we both reached out, that is all we we were able to control...no regrets on that!

 

honestly G.C., when i read your posts, you seem so passionate, that deserves to be reciprocated. you would probably be amazed at how fulfilling it is to have someone express his feelings to you without you dragging them out. if anything, it must be very important to you....have faith! i have heard when you least expect it, that is when "the one" appears.

 

wishing you a great year!

[Sierra Sunrise]

Hello Greencove,

 

I have a friend that went through something as similiar as this. They were together for five years. She lives here in the states and he lives in Canada. She is now 33 (was 25 when they met and he 18) now he is 26. Anyhow they had a love affair and it turned quite serious. We tried to warn her of long distance love affairs and keeping it that way for extended period also of his age.

 

Anyhow that's off the subject. He broke up with her over through email. No warning, no nothing. She was set to go and be with him in a month and then out of the blue blam! She took it very hard. Not sleeping much, not eating much, crying for days on end and still having to work and take care of her daughter. She would ask him to please give her a explaination but he just never did. He would say the same things to her about how discussions are never enough for her. That was not true. She needed closure and he just wouldn't provide it for her. Sure she wanted him back and sure she loved him but if he was moving on then she really deserved to know why it ended and what caused it. Everyone in my opinion deserves that. Still nothing came from him.

 

Fast forward to 8 months later and she has found that all along he was wanting to play the field and had been going to strip bars with buddies for awhile and also that he had been talking to a few girls on the internet plus he had been on quite a few lunches with female co-workers. So there was her closure. She got it in the end. Now she's doing fantastic and she's moved on and though she isn't dating and has no desire she did get over it.

 

I'm not like some of the others on this board that will say "He's just not that into you", that's a stupid metaphor and it's just stupid to classify everything into that lump sum. What I will say though is that I bet, and I know this isn't gonna be what you wanna hear, I bet he has done some of the similiar things. Men sometimes have a terrifying fear of committment. I don't know what it is but when things get very serious and you're talking a lifelong partnership then they sometimes get cold feet and wanna "play the field". I have found through friends and of my own accord back when I was younger that young men do this often. Hell I'm no saint. Just read my other threads and you'll see. At least I admit to my mistakes and own up to my behavior and he is not and that's his problem. I would guess if you did some deep digging that you'd find what you're looking for. The only other advice I can give you is to stay BUSY! Work towards what makes you feel good. Take up new things, and lots of rest, nutrition, and exercise. I truly hope you get to feeling better soon. With a New Year that has just rang in set yourself some new goals and work towards them. It's a new beginning for everyone.

[Zapbasket]

I'm not like some of the others on this board that will say "He's just not that into you", that's a stupid metaphor and it's just stupid to classify everything into that lump sum. What I will say though is that I bet, and I know this isn't gonna be what you wanna hear, I bet he has done some of the similiar things. Men sometimes have a terrifying fear of committment. I don't know what it is but when things get very serious and you're talking a lifelong partnership then they sometimes get cold feet and wanna "play the field". I have found through friends and of my own accord back when I was younger that young men do this often. Hell I'm no saint. Just read my other threads and you'll see. At least I admit to my mistakes and own up to my behavior and he is not and that's his problem. I would guess if you did some deep digging that you'd find what you're looking for. The only other advice I can give you is to stay BUSY! Work towards what makes you feel good. Take up new things, and lots of rest, nutrition, and exercise. I truly hope you get to feeling better soon. With a New Year that has just rang in set yourself some new goals and work towards them. It's a new beginning for everyone.

 

Hi Sierra,

 

Thanks for your thoughts. It's always helpful to hear stories about other people who experienced something similar! As for my ex leaving because he wanted to play the field...I don't believe it was as cut and dry as that, though of course, what do I know about his real motivations. However I do know that he was absolutely trustworthy; he did keep an internet porn collection while we were together but he was always hot for me so I didn't mind. He was a loyal and faithful partner and I feel confident that were I to go digging I'd not find anything to contradict that. This is just my overarching intuition about him and the person he is, his values, etc.

 

As for a fear of committment being the culprit in our breakup, I really don't know though it cerainly sounds plausible. I always felt like he didn't really know himself and had a lot of exploring to do before he could make a solid husband and father. One thing that was confusing about him is that, because he has such a wonderful family that he loves so much, and because he pretty much had an idyllic childhood and has a coterie of friends dating back to elementary school and a real community that he came from, plus his education, profession, etc., he SEEMS on paper like the acme of stability and commitment. That's why I was so incredibly shocked and am still so incredibly confused that he broke off in th eway he did. It leaves me wondering who the "real" ____ was--as my friends have kept reminding me, if he really were the stable guy I made him out to be, then he wouldn't have been so insecure and wouldn't have pitted his family and friends against me (in his own mind and not, from what I could tell when I hung out with his family especially, who all seemed to just love me, in reality).

 

Really I no longer know what to think. Now that a full year has passed since the breakup and a full year since I've seen him (last time we saw each other was 1/4/07), it seems like that's it, like I'm never going to receive the phone call or e-mail or letter I'd hoped for, where he asks how I am / apologizes for how angry he was at the time of the breakup and for his ugly e-mail / says he misses me / says he made a mistake in getting rid of me / etc. This brings me to a whole other level of confusion that's about relationships in general, not just about him and his true underlying intentions.

 

For the past year I have wracked my mind looking for answers. And I have found none. Maybe it just boils down to having to embrace the ugly flip side of connection with other people--that sometimes people betray you and there really is no good or clear reason why (or not one you'll ever know), and for that reason it's imperative to cherish what you have while you have it....

 

But that's no solace, really, since as far as I can tell no one is able to live in constant awareness that what you have could be stripped away at any moment. To enter into a friendship or love relationship with the idea that "at any moment this person could leave or otherwise be taken from me" would be akin to having major intimacy issues (or could create them), no?

 

Didn't mean to get so philosophical. Suffice it to say I'm just deeply confused, as I would never in my life have expected you could share something real and in so many ways wonderful with someone and then just cease to exist for each other forevermore.

 

With all this going on in the back of my head, my resolution for 2008 is to take real positive action. On a ski trip last week I felt a stirring of my old mojo, that I feared I'd lost, and I'm trying to capitalize on it to move forward. I just wish this pit of confusion and discomfort over being so deserted would somehow clear up. I may have to move from this city to get over it all; as of now I'm constantly afraid of bumping into him. We're both on meetup.com and we're in a lot of the same groups--two of them unfortunately being dating groups that host speed dating and the like. I'm so pissed that he's on these sites because how can I prepay for a speed dating evening if there's the risk that he's going to be there?

 

Anyway, I'm just clearing my system of a lot of thoughts all in one post. A part of me just wishes someone could lay their hand on my heart in such a way as to make the nagging hurt and confusion disappear so that I can return to being the strong and dynamic woman I used to be

[sunshinegirl]

he SEEMS on paper like the acme of stability and commitment.

 

Oh my goodness, that's sometimes the hardest thing to get your head around! My two serious heartbreaks were with guys who were, on paper, absolutely perfect fits for me. But in real life, they were disasters.

 

It is a wonderful irony to me that my current love, who has been 100% faithful, loyal, supportive, and solid is a guy who is definitely less than perfect "on paper". (atheist/scientist vs my Christian roots; previously married for 11 years vs my virginity; introvert vs my extroversion; daughter vs my childlessness, etc)

 

It took a long time for me to be willing to look beyond the "paper" of expected traits, characteristics, and life paths to find such a great guy.

[Zapbasket]

I'm crying and need to vent. I know I should stop "spying" but I can't help myself and I checked (anonymously) his match.com profile and he hasn't visited for a week. I have this sinking feeling that that means he has met someone, since before the holidays (when he went away) he was on the site almost daily, almost like clockwork.

 

I've said all these things about how he wouldn't communicate and I'd love to just come to a pat conclusion that for that reason we weren't and would never be right for each other. But I can't help thinking of the role our long distance played, the longing and resentment it created, the physical distance emanating an emotional distance "unseen" (until the end) that was like an odorless, colorless, and deadly gas. I really believe it says something about a) our values and ability to commit and b) how taken we were with each other that we managed to hold on for as long as we did, given the circumstances.

 

And now here we are. Broken up, and IN THE SAME CITY. I know exactly where he lives. Because of the card I sent him back in August, he knows where I live. We could be at each other's apartment in 15 minutes, tops. There are no words to adequately describe the awful mindf*ck this is, this relationship that due in a very large part to something as impersonal and concrete as physical distance never reached its potential. I know that few relationships truly ever reach their potential--life gets in the way, etc.--but I'd rather have a relationship fail where two people were together for all of it than one where two people were together, then apart, and then never got to be together after all the painful distance. I'd rather have moved to his homecity back in 2004 and had it fail miserably there than have this.

 

I think it's the guilt I feel about not moving to his homecity to be with him that is making me want to move there now, as some kind of twisted way to give myself closure by somehow consummating what we had, if that makes sense.

 

It hurts!!!!!! How can I be so expendable? How can he not be just a little curious to see me and just to TRY to see what we can be together now that we're in the same city? And yes, maybe this is just my ego but how can he move on and find a perfect girl when I have yet to meet a guy who even remotely measures up to my ex?

 

Why is it that it seems everything is just turning out dandy for him and I feel Just. So... Scrappy? Literally I feel this big: .

[Zapbasket]

I know why he wants nothing to do with me. Moving thousands of miles away from your family, regardless of whether its through the same company and your company is paying for it, to be with your partner is a HUGE leap of faith and he's the one who took the leap of faith, not me. He moved all the way here and all his expectations surrounded our relationship, since that's the only reason he moved here. He was very vulnerable when he came here--didn't know anyone (only a handful of people from grad school and from his homecity) and didn't really know the city (though he'd worked here one summer during grad school). So when that didn't pan out according to his expectations, breaking off with me was nothing less than an act of survival. He had to build a life here from scratch, and when he realized it was going to be too hard to do it with me, he banished me so that he could focus on building a life here and get comfortable in a space where everything was unknown and unfamiliar.

 

On top of that, he was stuck in an apartment that he'd meant us to share--a 1.5 bedroom when he'd wanted a 1 bedroom and it was I who suggested we go for that small extra room as I thought it'd be best for both of us...and now he was stuck paying for it all by himself.

 

When I put myself in his shoes I can see that he'd never want a thing to do with me again.

 

I was indeed a terrible girlfriend, wasn't I? What's sad is that I really did have the right intentions and even sadder is that I really tried my best. I never meant to hurt him so terribly. I can't imagine how disappointed he was to feel like he had to break up with me. The whole thing is, really, all my fault, isn't it?

 

Sorry, I'm just having a bout of feeling really low. I wish I had it all to do over again. I know I'm a good person, and I was 100% faithful and true to him, and yet from his perspective, I was just a selfish b*tch.

 

Now I understand why I'm finding myself, against what seems at times to pose as my "better judgment," thinking my next step should be to find a job in his homecity and move there. As an action that proves that I was sincere. As an act of atonement, of making the same sacrifice he made in coming here.

 

His whole family and all his friends probably think I'm a horrendous b*tch. And what he thinks of me...God. No wonder I've not heard from him.

 

I just wish I could be forgiven. Surely whatever he did wrong in our relationship does not equal my wrong? My mother might be right, I'm afraid, she said to me that I "blew it" with a wonderful man, and I'm afraid she's right.

 

Damn. I feel like a giant foot has kicked in my chest.

 

Sorry. I had to express this to someone.

[Zapbasket]

[Whoops--double post]

[Zapbasket]

On the last day we saw each other, 1/4/07--when he agreed to meet with me to finalize the breakup--he said, "All this time I thought it was me but then I realized it wasn't."

 

I don't know where all these tears are coming from tonight. I just was suddenly overcome. But it's true, I fear, and I feel like I really blew it with probably the best man I'll ever have.

 

It was I who had all the issues in school, who, rather than just wrap up her masters any way she could so that she could prepare to move to be with her partner, took OVER TWO ADDITIONAL YEARS to finish her thesis. In so doing, I opted to move home rather than join him in his city. ANd all that time he stuck around, calling me faithfully and unfailingly every evening at 9pm on the dot. There were several times he'd want me to come visit or want to come visit me, and I didn't go, or didn't let him come. I got to where I wouldn't come visit him because I was too ashamed to face his family and friends, because I was having such a hard time with my thesis and it humiliated me greatly. And I wouldn't let him visit me sometimes because I was ashamed that I was living at home with my mother and didn't really get on well with my mother--I was ashamed at how sharply my family life contrasted with his close, large, loving family life.

 

Then, when he moved here, I wouldn't move into the apartment, or even come stay on weekends. Every weekend, he would come to my mom's in NJ even though we both knew he wanted to be in NYC. I wouldn't move because I had no money and he'd said just a few weeks before he moved, when I was trying to initiate a discussion about finances, that he "could get a roommate who could pay more." I took it to mean that he resented my financial situation and so I doubled my efforts to find a good job with the intention of moving in as soon as I had a flow of money in the bank where I knew I would be able to pay a fair share of the rent.

 

He was ahead of me--he finished his Ph.D. the same year I finished my B.A.; he went into an industry that pays extraordinarily well, and he had a longstanding coterie of friends and a close family of which he was very proud.

 

He is reliable, handsome, and very stable. I did blow it, didn't I? I feel so much less than he is. He was right: all this time, the problem was ME, not him.

 

I guess now he's going to find a woman who isn't a freak who takes forever to finish school, who is always physically available to do fun things with him, who has a huge circle friends and a large, loving family, probably with siblings.

 

All along, he was better than me. I nitpicked, and he stood by patiently, until he broke up with me saying, "I thought I could handle you but I can't." In those words are my worst fears about myself.

 

He's living in the best part of town, and makes three times as much as I do and has a ton in the bank from having sold his apartment in his homecity. Everything I'm doing now, he's done first--match.com, meetup, all of it. My job is not going well after a bunch of layoffs dumped a tremendous pile of work in my lap and my salary is terrible.

 

And what's worst of all: I saw a recent picture of him online and he's cut his hair in a buzz cut. He'd talked about doing that for ages, as a way to "go with" the fact that his hairline was steadily receding. He'd always ask my opinion and I'd always tell him how much I loved running my fingers through his hair and loved it on the longer side because his hair is wavy and I thought it made him look sexy. When all along he just wanted a buzz cut. He went along with everything because he loved me, and I blew it.

 

I don't know how I'm going to get over this. It's going to take a long, long time and I just hate it that it seems like I'm always doing something wrong, like everything always seems to be my fault, about EVERYTHING. This seems to be no exception. Here I've gone on wondering how he could cut me out of his life the way he did, but it really isn't much of a mystery, is it.

[underpants]

Greencove,

 

Stop this.

 

You have a wonderful heart and a great intellect.

 

Don't beat yourself up because someone else could not appreciate it.

 

He might be alot of great things but you know what? He has one flaw that I see. He could not appreciate you. There is not one thing that you could change to make him realize this.

 

The right man would not want you any other way.

 

In the "true and good" loves that I have seen. They love each other for all that they are and all that they are not. It is not one sided.

 

You have to let go of that pain and make room for something more grand then you ever thought possible.

 

We are similiar in that we both take a long time to heal. I have been criticized for this. However, in my experience when the wound is healed there is so much room. It is a heart that is open yet wise and harboring no hope for the past.

 

Choose wisely.

[tinke]

hello G.C., seems you hit a vulnerable moment, but you will be back to moving on.

 

first, i understand the turmoil you speak of with the long distance...it breeds resentment.

i know that from my own experience, my ill feelings seemed to always stem from that resentment of separation. but..please keep in mind...again, you did your best at the time.

 

from your post, you appear to be carrying a lot of guilt...still.

G.C., have you considered sending him a note expressing these thoughts as some form of closure for YOU? not with the intention of influencing him to come back, but to rid yourself of these emotions of guilt. at least you will know that they were expressed.

 

we all learn from our experiences and perhaps prioritize differently as a result, but...keep in mind that you did what seemed right at the time of the events. you did not cause intentional hurt, etc.

 

you have to realize..no matter what...you did not deserve to be discarded so sharply, uncaringly. think about that and his actions during THAT time, those actions WERE intentional! stop blaming yourself!

 

take care

[Zapbasket]

Thank you, Tinke and Unders. I don't know what to do; it's true, I still have a lot of guilt.

 

I mean, I see his side. He felt he was never put first. Granted, I, too, felt he didn't put me first and that started when he decided, without talking it over with me, to move back to his homcity. I told him I wasn't thrilled about it, because I said it would put me in a difficult position when I finished my degree as it gave me no choice but to move to his homecity. And then, when my degree program was over (with me, of course, still straggling with my thesis), and the time came to make a decisison to move there, he said that thing about his mom: he told me that his mom had asked him if I was obsessive-compulsive or manic depressive given I couldn't finish my thesis and that hurt me so much because I *was* scared that something was wrong with me that I was having so much trouble writing my thesis. Of course, deep down I knew nothing was wrong with me except that I'd chosen the wrong field but it took me two more years to admit that to myself. So it hurt terribly, especially because I couldn't understand why he'd say such a thing right at the time he was also trying to convince me to move to be with him. His telling me that thing about his mom made me feel like I wasn't accepted by his inner circle and even worse, that I wasn't accepted by him. I tried to voice my hurt and he didn't apologize or explain why he had to tell me that--not until the day he broke up with me.

 

But he felt he was kept waiting, put on the back burner while I struggled to finish my thesis. Shortly before he moved here, he spoke about how happy he was now that "the relationship's long hibernation is coming to an end." And I was so upset by that comment and told him so; I told him that for me I was giving 100% and the relationship wasn't in hibernation but was developing along certain lines while granted, not being able to develop along other lines because of the distance...but certainly not "in hibernation."

 

I see his side that HE was the one who uprooted for the sake of the relationship, and then when he came here all we did was argue. I failed to make him feel welcome. I tried, but I felt rejected by his palpable resentment and his inability or non-desire to discuss with me ways to enable me to move in despite the fact that I didn't have any money (that all was to change, of course, when I started my job).

 

But my guilt comes from knowing that he ended things because he was tired of feeling like he came second. I've had a hard timie understanding how he could see things that way, because basically I pared my life down to practically nothing so that nothing but my thesis could distract me and I'd always be available to e-mail him throughout the day and talk to him at length in the evenings. That's why I was always so hurt that he didn't want a long conversation in the evenings--it was the ONLY vehicle we had to keep close despite the distance.

 

He is now in search of a relationship, I am sure, where he can feel he is put first, where his girl includes him in her activities and participates with him in his. It kills me to know that here I am, thesis long behind me and with a completely different life than that I had while we were long distance; I'm available to do everything with him and he is not open to giving me a chance.

 

I had my chance with him, and I blew it.

 

How do you get over the guilt about that? He was the person I wanted to spend my life with; I was sincere in that the way I saw it, our long distance was just a transitory period that would matter not one iota once we finally were together and could do all the things together that we wanted to do. I know he probably feels like he gave us the chance for that to happen; after all he moved here--but I felt like in ending our relationship only three months after he moved here, in the midst of me applying for and beginning a new job, and him adjusting to a new city and his new coworkers, he was cutting things off at the bud.

 

That's the source of that unrequited feeling I have, that keeps me in such an ongoing state of guilt.

 

I ruined the relationship. Any other woman he meets will be able to give him what I could not, simply by virtue of the fact that she and he are in the same city.

 

He is no longer open at all to dealing with me. From his perspective, he gave his all to the relationship, he was loyal and devoted and patient, and it didn't work out and he moved on.

 

And here I am, a year later, still aching, still longing, just wishing he could forgive me, would see me, would give us a chance, and not understanding why he doesn't want to do that...

 

...and then understanding all too well: he felt he waited long enough and he didn't get the return he'd hoped for and so now I am shut out of his life forever.

 

The last day we saw each other, on 1/4/07, I said to him, "I guess I've learned a very bitter lesson; you always have to put the relationship first," and his whole PERSON lit up; he beamed and almost looked like he was going to hug me. But before that he said he didn't see how anything was going to change, and I said, "How can you say that? Everything has changed"--meaning that now we were both in the same city and my thesis was done. And he didn't care; by that point he was determined to move on, as has been made evident in his year of silence, in my seeing pictures of him from meetup events and seeing that he has not logged on to his match.com profile in nearly a week.

 

How can I overcome my regret and guilt? I know I am a wonderful girlfriend; I am very caring; I gave everything sincerely; I basically pared my life down to nothing so that I could focus all my attention on our long distance relationship. And all he sees is that I was not there for him in the way he wanted me to be.

 

But he seemingly doesn't blame himself at all. I don't understand how he can't see his role in things; if he did, then I'd have heard from him sometime over this past year because he'd see that it wasn't just me and all me and it doesn't define what kind of person or girlfriend I am or what the future between us would be.

 

I feel so mired in guilt and I don't know what to do.

 

Tinke, I'd write to him but I know he's not open to hearing from me, and if I just received more silence from him I'd still feel awful, because the silence in response to me once again pouring my heart out would suggest, to me, that he has hardened his heart against me and will not forgive.

 

How do you overcome someone's refusal to forgive? I apologized to him so many times; I apologized to him almost daily throughoug our long distance to the point it nearly made me feel sick inside; and all he said in response to my apologies at the end was, "I don't even need to give the reasons I'm breaking up withi you; it's all in your letter" (that I wrote to him and fed-exed to his homcity over the holidays last year).

 

How do I overcome this? I feel banished to guilt for an infraction that in his eyes is unforgiveable. It's like I cheated on him.

[tinke]

Greencove

i was not suggesting to write to him with the hopes of receiving a response, he may not even read the letter. it was not a suggestion for reconciliation, but rather, the opportunity to express your feelings to rid of the guilt. IT IS FOR YOU! (a thereapeutic release).

 

then.....just as you gathered the determination to complete your degree, you will have to muster the same strength to fight thoughts of him. to truly WANT to move on, or at least to fully believe that the relationship is over as you once knew it.

 

the "should haves" is keeping you stuck in a present whirlwind of hopes that if only he knew...etc. unfortunately, this is something out of your control (aside from simply writing your feelings down and sending them). that is all you can control in this scenario.

 

you CAN stop the thoughts of him, divert them, think adverse thoughts. but it appears that you are still searching for the "right answer, conclusion", that may never come.

 

can i ask you to think of something? after all this time, all these feelings, if he came to your door and after the initial high....could you really be with him again? trust him? would you wonder if his silence meant a preparation for another exit?

think of what it is you expect to gain from all your thinking, feelings of guilt? is it that you want him back? (as you already know, you have changed..so count on you both being different people). or is it that you just want to relieve your guilt? if the latter, you cannot make him read, listen to anything..but, you can write your thoughts.

and that is all!

 

think about this...if he showed up...what are your true feelings? you might surprise yourself. after all that hurt, distance coldness after the break-up...it certainly changed the dynamics.

[whichwayisup]

I just wish I could be forgiven

 

Start by forgiving yourself. Write him as much as you feel you need to, but do NOT send him the letters. Writing is theraputic and will help you make your own closure. He cannot give that to you, only you can give closure to yourself.

 

Take care of you, k.

[Zapbasket]

Greencove

 

can i ask you to think of something? after all this time, all these feelings, if he came to your door and after the initial high....could you really be with him again? trust him? would you wonder if his silence meant a preparation for another exit?

think of what it is you expect to gain from all your thinking, feelings of guilt? is it that you want him back? (as you already know, you have changed..so count on you both being different people). or is it that you just want to relieve your guilt? if the latter, you cannot make him read, listen to anything..but, you can write your thoughts.

and that is all!

 

think about this...if he showed up...what are your true feelings? you might surprise yourself. after all that hurt, distance coldness after the break-up...it certainly changed the dynamics.

 

Hi Tinke,

 

That's the thing. While I realize that if he came to me after all this wanting to begin a new relationship with me, it would be more complicated than simply picking up where we left off, the answer is that yes, I'd want him back and yes, I would trust him.

 

The thing is--and this is why I have been so affected by this breakup--I do think even after all this that he is a wonderful man, and that he and I had something very special together, the kind of special that could indeed have been a love for life. He...delighted me, plain and simple, in a way that no person ever has in my life. The source of my frustration with him was principally that we were apart, and part of that was my frustration that it seemed that in everything in his life he didn't know at all what he wanted and I needed him to show some real CONVICTION about something, namely, ME. When he moved here, I was angry with him because he didn't take the bull by the horns in a way that would have made me feel welcome enough to move into his apartment; it's like he expected me to make everything work and didn't want to discuss anything.

 

That's why if he came to me, I'd take him. Because if after all of this he went to the trouble to seek me out and reach out to me, that alone would be the act of conviction I'd always wanted to see. Then I would have no doubt that he wanted me and that action on his part would right there start things off on an entirely different dynamic.

 

It could be that the dynamics that broke us up would always be there and things truly were not meant to be for us, long term. But despite those dynamics, I KNOW that we had a special connection that renders it SENSELESS that we are not in each other's lives. I can't explain it, but it's that feeling that has made this breakup so, so hard to accept. In terms of these very positive dynamics between us, our absence from each other's lives simply doesn't make SENSE. I know it sounds cliche, but it's the truth: I felt we really belonged together. What we had to offer each other are the things in life that each of us, given the people we are, most need to learn and incorporate into ourselves.

 

You are so right that we are different people now, and that were he to stand before me now in a way he'd be a total stranger, as I would be to him. But that's what makes the idea of him making contact with me so desirable--I can't explain it adequately but I believe from every conviction I am capable of that he and I have a kind of connection, a deep root of affection that would make us able to navigate our mutual "stranger-ness" and draw us closer again.

 

I also understand that this is MY personality speaking. HIS personality is not as flexible as mine is and by that I mean that I'm more prone to see the possibilities for growth and expansion than he is. Having made this decision to excise me from his life, this truly could be, and as of now for all intents and purposes is, IT. He may never be able to take the huge risk, the tremendous leap of faith, required to directly reach out to me. To do that would require that he face something potentially painful and unpleasant head on, and that he then be open to DISCUSSION, and the truth may be--the truth that would be the nucleus of his reason for ditching me--that he will NEVER, as a person as a whole, be open to those things. In that case, then this breakup is indeed, for the rest of our lives, the END, as given the person I am if that's the person he is and will be always it's true that we can't be together, though I suspect we will never, ever be able to forget each other and yes I'm taking the liberty of speaking for him here because it's what I truly feel, about both of us.

 

But I believe that we both are growers and if he's looking for something more than just something that makes him comfortable and suits the status quo, he will seek me out. Everything necessary to be communicated would be communicated in that one act of him--the e-mail or phone call soliciting a response from me. If I never receive it, then I have to accept that we were merely lucky guests in each other's lives and were never meant to be together.

 

This past year showed me that I truly loved him with all my heart, and it was the kind of love that would have taken me through a whole lifetime with him. I wasn't mature enough at this stage of my life to express that love in the best of ways, and I am profoundly, as this thread shows, sorry for that, and humbled by that. I had all that love, but I was stubborn, and feisty, and didn't know when to let things go in arguments, and didn't have the flexibility and maybe even courage to act full-throttle on that love--I was distracted by other concerns in my life at that time that I believed were important for the future of our relationship, but that I didn't recognize also were impeding me in the PRESENT from giving all I have to give to the relationship. I regret that deeply but I hope realizing this means that next time I will know to make different choices.

 

He changed my life, and me, and I can only love him the more for that. I wish to god that this past year showed me plainly that he is not worthy of my love, but sadly (perhaps) I don't feel that way at all.

 

Perhaps, Tinke, I'm deluded and I trust you'll tell me if that's what it sounds like to you. But what I wrote here is something I feel very deeply and strongly and I tend to believe that when your psyche suggests something to you this strongly, there is some truth to it...even if it just pans out to be your own, personal truth.

 

I do so wish I could just say, he's an as*hole and I don't want him back. But I do. I believe that while somoe of the old dynamic would present itself and have to be addressed, on my end at least I believe I have made changes to my life and outlook that would enable ME, at least, to handle that dynamic differently.

 

Perhaps, given that dynamic of him not communicating and me berating him for it, we really were not meant to be together. I acknowledge that possibility. But there were other things between us that make it appear to me to be very unfortunate indeed that we are not in each other's lives...because these other things, as I see and feel them, make me feel that we should be. And given that the power and realness of these things could only attain that power and realness for me if on some level I recognized that he felt them, too, I really believe even after all this that he feels it, too.

 

What that means in terms of the future, I don't know. All I know is that right now we are fully out of each other's lives; he's moved on and I'm moving on (I *think*), and it's confusing and painful but it's entirely out of my hands.

 

Does this all sound deluded? I only doubt myself out of the clutch of pain I feel that things are the way they are right now, and it seems so unnecessary and senseless to me.

[sunshinegirl]

Hi sweetie,

 

Please, please, I urge you to find a new, different counselor. You need real, live, in-person help getting out of your circular, crazy-making thinking.

 

I say this with compassion, but also with 100% confidence that you need to do more than write on an anonymous board like this. You are not moving forward; nothing people offer you here seems to affect your thought patterns. I think you've been writing, by and large, the same things for months now:(

 

You sound like a wonderful person, and I wish more than anything that you could heal and move on from this heartache. So please, for your own sake, don't try to slog through this on your own. You're stuck. Please help yourself.