budd98 Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 I have just brokend up with my ex this week and it is killing me. Why? She is 25 me 27. Her history is: Depressed, insecure, bi-polar, puts me down all the time, hangs up on me, tells me I can't do any better cause I'm not that great, holds me back from going out/friends/family, bashes my family/friends, has hit me, makes me look bad in a crowd, uses me for my money, tells me to stop working out, accuses me of cheating, calls me really bad names, leaves voice mails if I don't answer saying I'm a slut, accuses me of treating my ex's better, threatens to break up if I didn't propose, threatened to kill me if I ever take her dog, threatened to end her life, ect..... Been with her for 2.5 years and I now have a low self-esteem. I am told I am very attractive, I am very fit, I have dated beautiful women, have a great career, stable, and a great family. I have never called her a name or treated her bad in any way. So the problem is this: I had a hunch something was up so I went by her place late unannounced. I caught her in her apartment with another dude. She would'nt let me in and ended up calling the copps cause I just sat on the sidewalk and waited. I was being really cool. I said I just wanted it over finally. She told the copp she wants to get a restraining order. I went home. So we are over, but what is wrong with me that it hurts so bad? Am I that crazy to miss someone like this? Has anyone else been this girl and could help me out with her thought process? I am doing NC and what would help me get over her is if I knew she was really missing me. I hope you can help.
BlueEyedSarah Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 What will help you is to realise your free from somene as insane as this. She is totally messed up in the head. Is this girl your first serious girlfriend? If so that is proberbly why you miss her the way you do. She did not treat you very well at all.
whichwayisup Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 Ofcourse she is missing you...But, the depression, bipolar has taken over. She abused you, made you feel bad about yourself, treated you like crap AND she cheated on you with someone else. Until she is ready to face the mirror and realize she needs help, to be on medication and get some counselling, there's nothing you can do. She is in denial, and is letting her mental illness take over and rule her life. This isn't about you, it's all about her and what she needs/wants/desires...The depression, the green monster, is not your girlfriend and her mind right now is not normal. The way she thinks, reacts, handles life in general is off...Very unbalanced. Hate to say it, but you being away from her IS the best thing for you. Look at who you've become now compared to the way you were before you two met. Aside from the love you may feel for her, and the missing her - WHAT good did she really bring into your life?
Author budd98 Posted August 24, 2007 Author Posted August 24, 2007 This is my 3rd serious relationship. She does'nt bring any good to my life and I can't think of any good qualities I truely like about her except she is so great with kids. Am I totally brainwashed by her and thats why I feel like I failed? I went out to the bar last night with some friends and I kept bashing her to everyone. Is that normal? And my main question is "How will a girl like this react to my no contact?" She has text me once yesterday and twice the day before and I have held strong. Even after all of this I still hope she is doing ok, but I hope she is feeling the way I am too. If she is hanging out with this other guy, do you think it will last? I really appreciate everyones help, it is doing me some good. I hope you can keep writing.
Kamille Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 Maybe you were staying in this abusive relationship because you felt 1)that she needed someone like you 2) and therefore that made you the strong solid one. You had to be stable for her, you had to be strong for her. You are not only loosing her, but the person you had to be in order to be with her. It will be for the best though. You will pick up the shattered pieces of your ego and become someone stronger. For yourself.
livebuzzwords Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 hey, ok, you filled us in on the negative parts - how about telling us the good stuff too. balance it out, don't be focussed in a one-sided way. talk about those tender moments where you were both vulnerable and safe. i'll give u an example: once i was singing in the shower, horrid, billy idol, she was in the bedroom, and she came in, wipped the curtain across and threw totamotos at me...so, i made her shave my beard as puishment focus on the happy dance
CaliGuy Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 She's nuts. You need to get as far away from her as you can and keep her out of your life.
Author budd98 Posted August 24, 2007 Author Posted August 24, 2007 The sad thing about the 2.5 years together is that only about the first 4 months were amazing. Then it turned into a "kissing her azz" stage. I don't know why it happened but she totally became insecure of everything and turned everything on me. Bashing my ex's, checking my voice mail (which I never gave the password), texting me 100 times when I went out, and giving me constant altimatums. The sick part of all of it is that she was so smooth to create reasons why everything was ALWAYS my fault. I hate fighting and always just excepted the blame just to move on. That was a bad idea I guess. I'm just so confused at how everyone says "you are such a great catch", you try to give her the world, and you treat her like a queen that she does everything that she did to me. Her dad told me she is high maintence like her mom and thats why I divorced her. Her mom says she is just like her grandma and that nobody ever knew what was going on in her head. Everyone in her family and friends says she has major issues and is the biggest drama queen. I guess I must have thought I could save her from all of that, but I failed.
whichwayisup Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 she does everything that she did to me. Her dad told me she is high maintence like her mom and thats why I divorced her. Her mom says she is just like her grandma and that nobody ever knew what was going on in her head. Everyone in her family and friends says she has major issues and is the biggest drama queen. She is mentally ill. She has depression and probably is bipolar. Her family should be helping her seek help, not bashing her. Mental illness runs in the family and reading what you wrote, it's obvious now that is what is wrong with her. I guess I must have thought I could save her from all of that, but I failed. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. She didn't ask you to save her... I can understand why you stuck with her for so long, but the fact is, you're not married to her, you two don't have kids together, so there isn't any real reason to stay with her. She doesn't want your help, she refuses to see that SHE is the one who is sick. Please do not blame yourself!
johan Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Oh, God, my mind!! Why did I read this?? It's completely blown now. I can hardly even type. I need my mind. I'm so stupid, stupid, stupid... It's ego. Your ego is telling you you are somehow at fault and have failed, because this woman who was supposed to love you never really got around to it. If she suddenly became loving and sweet to you, you'd probably realize she doesn't have that much to offer and you'd move on. It's just that women like her hook the ego and play it until something breaks. It wasn't a healthy relationship. Just let yourself be bummed out for a while, because sooner or later it will pass. You didn't lose much. Ignore your ego.
Lizzie60 Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 I think you posted about this before... but anyway... I think you need help... so does she... she's 'nuts' and you are completely masochist... for putting up with someone like that for so long and still wanting more... geezzz .... move on dude... there are other women out there...
birdie Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Her dad told me she is high maintence like her mom and thats why I divorced her. Her mom says she is just like her grandma and that nobody ever knew what was going on in her head. Everyone in her family and friends says she has major issues and is the biggest drama queen. I guess I must have thought I could save her from all of that, but I failed. maybe I'm the only one on this thread that feels sorry for her. having a family like this would mess with anybody's head! I'm not saying you should be helping her to sort things out but two things appear to be clear to me: - she has anger issues and needs help - you meant the best but instead of being assertive with her, you gave in all the time (rather than constructively dealing with the issues) and that didn't get her anywhere. Imagine if everyone in your life kept telling you that you had issues but nobody helped you how to deal with them... That really sucks
Author budd98 Posted August 25, 2007 Author Posted August 25, 2007 I was just searching and reading things on-line and I read about the bipolar disorder. Anyways, everything about it is word for word in how the relationship has gone the last 2.5 years. Do people with this problem even know what they are doing to the people around them? And is it ever possible to be happy with a person that has that?
amIreallyfreepitt Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 Brother - are you sure you and I are not with the same woman. Everything that you have experienced I dealth with for 18 years. This I can tell you from experience. IT WILL NOT STOP. this girl of yours is exactly like my wife. I am dealing with the same struggles you are, but my story is 6 affairs, complete disrepect and an explosive disorder. my Wife left me for the last time last friday. I have 4 kids with her and she will be meddling and controlling me for years to come. I am in the NC stage and it is hard. I know how you feel. One thing that works for me. is writing down eveything bad she has done to you and when you find yourself missing her. read what you wrote and it brings you down a tad. As for me, I use voice memos on my cell phone and listen to it. I cant tell you anything other than you are lucky you have not gone any further. My marriage was full of this behavior within 6 months of marriage and it never got any better. NOW I am heartbroken, my wife cheated for the last time and I can care less what happens to her....THINK......you served 2.5 years in prison. Others served MUCH MUCH MORE TIME.
Trialbyfire Posted August 26, 2007 Posted August 26, 2007 Here's an article about battered women. You can apply the same logic to yourself. You will never save her and she will never respect you because it keeps you under her thumb. Abuser/abusee's codependencies. http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19920501-000019.html
Author budd98 Posted August 27, 2007 Author Posted August 27, 2007 amIreallyfreepitt, Has your wife constantly accused you of cheating and women in general? Like if a girl even looks at you or you say hi, she just flips out. And did she hate any women you ever dated before her? And also if you did a 100 good things and 1 bad, the 1 bad is all she brought up. And of course everything is your fault? One last question. When your girl cheated on you and you left, what did she do to get you back? I don't want her back, but 4 days of her not doing anything is killing me.
Scorpio13c Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Hey Budd, Your going to be better my friend, I promise! How old are you Man? Scorp
Author budd98 Posted August 27, 2007 Author Posted August 27, 2007 I have an update to my situation. She just sent me an e-mail this morning at like 3 AM. It was really long. She basically described all the things that I did wrong in the relationship and that I was'nt the person she thought I was. The things that she said I did wrong were so inaccurate. I mean I never did those things, but she would always bring stuff like that up throughout the relationship. Then at the end she told me that I am not that great of a guy and that I just put on a really good show to everyone. Her closure paragraph was telling me that she wished I would have loved her for her and that I stayed the person she fell in love with. She also wished things would of turned out differently. She said I would always ask for another chance, but blew it everytime. I assure you that I did SO many great things and kept them going, so I don't know why she would say that. She also said she swears she never cheated on me, but remember I caught her that night with a guy in her bed watching a movie. They were'nt doing anything but come on. So here is my concerns. What should I do now? I want to respond so bad to the e-mail. I still am in love with this girl. What do you think she will do if I respond? And if I don't respond?
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