DOWNandConfused Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 My wife and I have been married a few weeks short of two years now. She left in the middle of the night about 7 weeks ago while I was on a rare outing with the guys and took my two step-children with her. She sent me a message the following day stating that we needed a break for a while and to please just leave her alone and we'd talk when she's ready. Well, I haven't spoken a word to her since and come to find out a few weeks later that she pretty much immediately filed for divorce. Back up to the beginning. My wife and I had a wonderful relationship both before and for a while after we were married. She has a history of mild anxiety and I found out after we got back from our honeymoon that she had been taking a low dose antidepressant for the past several months. I confronted her about this and she explained that the stress of planning the wedding and everything was really gettting to her and she just needed something to help. I wasn't very happy that she was taking them behind my back, but forgave her and went forward. We agreed that she'd continue to take them until she felt better. After about 6 months, the sexual side affects of the pills was really getting to us and she didn't think she needed them anymore anyways. She went back to her doctor to talk to him about it and instead of taking her off, he added another one called Wellbutrin to the mix to help with the sexual side affects. After taking these for a few weeks, my wife's entire personality changed and not for the better. She would go into total rage states; hitting me, scratching me, and just being plain mean and angry all the time! At first I had no idea what the hell was going on, but then I did some research on that stuff and found this to be an all too common and unpublished side affect of Wellbutrin. I ended up going to her parents for help in getting her off of them. After she quite, things slowly got better, but never close to the same. Since then our marriage has been a complete roller coaster. When she wasn't on anything and wasn't drinking excessively, which is also a problem I'll explain, things were good. She then started using diet pills because her mother told her her butt looked big (she's tiny) and things would go back down hill. This cycle of diet pill popping came and went and with it the peace in our marriage. On top of this, she had a tendancy to drink too much. Every major fight we've ever been in has involved alcohol. I'm guilty of this at times too. The beginning of this year, things were going really good. She wasn't taking any of the pills and the drinking slowed down too. Then, she started a very boot camp like training program in February. She came home almost every night pissed off and stressed out. She would take her anger out on everyone in the house including the children (I heard her call her 10 year old son a son of a bi%*h a couple of times which is highly unlike her). I stepped up and tried to help her out. I made dinner almost every night, did 75% of the household chores, took her out for nice evenings out, told her how proud I was of her for making it through....One night about a week before she left, the kids were out of town with her parents and I took her out to a nice restaurant. We had a great time and were flirting around about going home and making love. We got home and she told me her stomach was hurting, probalby because of all the wine (she had about 5 glasses). I got her some medicine to help her stomach and told her to go lie down in bed and I'd be up in a while. I went up a little later and slowly started making my moves on her. Instead of just politely telling me her stomach still hurt, she just exploded on me, insulting me, just going into hysterics. She started flopping around and accidentally head-butted me in the nose. As I yelled out in pain, she just started insulting me more. It turned into a big fight and she left a huge bleeding scratch accross my chest. I tried to calm down and talk to her, but she just couldn't stop screaming. At one point I just lost it and told her to get out. This is unfortunately something I have said to her in the past a few times when I just lost my cool. I regret every time I say it and have always profusely appologized. The next day we both admitted we were wrong and agreed to seek counseling to try and get our arguing under control. The rest of the week went by OK. She was hot and cold, but things seemed to be OK. By Tuesday night of the following week she was gone and refuses to speak to me in any way. I've written her a couple of emails, a couple of letters, sent her flowers a couple of times, wrote her a couple of lighthearted and a couple of serious text messages. Never get a response of any kind. I've heard very little about her reasonings for the divorce. I've heard things like I'm controlling, but nothing specific as to why she thinks that- I don't believe I am by the way, I told that to a couple of friends and they just laughed. I've heard that I was jealous of the kids- I love those kids as my own. She told her attorney that I've locked her out of the house a couple of times - nope. She told her parents that She just hasn't been happy for a while. When I inquired as to how long they said several months. I asked them if maybe they think the stress of school (she doesn't handle stress well at all), the diet pills she started taking again, and the alcohol may have more to do with this than our marriage, they just kind of shrugged it off. In the mean time, the have bought her a place to live right next door to their house and are fully supporting her and the kids. They say they feel terrible about what is happening, but they continue to enable her anyways. I'm so lost right now. I truly do love my wife and kids and want them back to work things out. I have been seeing an excellent marriage counselor on my own who says she's never seen this particaular behaivior in someone unless they were beaten and scared for their lives, which is absolutely not the case. She desperately wants to have an opportunity to speak to my wife, but she is refusing to go. Her attorney stated that she just wants to move forward with the divorce and is not interested in reconciling. I'm at a total loss and the worst part is, I'm not exactly sure why. How can you go from good to done in such a short amount of time? I've stopped trying to get through to her for almost two weeks now in hopes she will be able to sort out her issues, but it's so hard. I love sharing things with my wife and now all I have is my dog to talk to. Can anyone help me?
butterfly37 Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 I'm sitting here with my mouth agape! I'm SO sorry. You say that she has children. Are they from a previous marriage? And, if so, what was the pattern in her previous marriage? You say that it has gone from good to done in a short amount of time. I'm wondering when it was good. It sounds like it has been a tumultuous relationship. She obviously has some major mental health issues that she is not dealing with. It might take some distance and time for her to be able to distance herself from the dysfunction to get healthy. And my suggestion to you would be for you to let her know that you are willing to be whatever it is that she needs you to be for her. Read that last statement carefully. Be what SHE needs. And it really is too bad that her parents are enabling her behavior in such a way as to cause her to be dependant on them. It makes your battle a much harder one to fight. You know what? I have a suggestion. Why don't you try sitting back a bit longer. Write down where you see yourself in say three years, ideally. What is it going to take for you to get there? Make a list. Put it by your bathroom mirror and read it every morning when you get up and each night before bed. Have you ever heard of "The Secret"? Be determined to do whatever it takes to take you to your goal. And we will all try to keep you motivated here at LS.
Author DOWNandConfused Posted August 24, 2007 Author Posted August 24, 2007 This is a first marriage for both of us. Her two children come from previous relationships. My daughter's real father suddenly died last year and my son's is a deadbeat. From things I've been told from various friends and such, she has always run back to mommy and daddy when things have gotten tough. It's just sad that she doesn't seem to see this as any different from just breaking up with a boyfriend. We had many seemingly long periods of great times. I never realized the correllation between her use of diet pills and alcohol and the times when things were bad until I really got to step back here lately and analyze it. I started pulling up medical and prescription dates from our insurance company's website and credit card purches dates for the "all natural" ones and comparing them with emails that I've saved when we weren't doing so well. It's amazing how the dates all lined up! When she was not on these things our relationship was good, we didn't fight, and we had a lot of fun together. But, man, when she's on those things her mood swings are more than I've ever experienced in my life. She would look for anything and everything to pick a fight about. One time after she started on them again after a several month period of good times all I did was mention to her that I was really happy with the way things have been going and that set her off! She's not a bad person, she really isn't. In fact when she's "clean" she's very loving and compassionate. I would really just like to get her some help before our marriage goes down the tubes for good.
Gunny376 Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 She's mental ~ dump her! Just that plain? Just that simple! She's got problems you're azz can't fix! Never will!
jesslindy Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Well, man that is tough. If everything you say is true it sounds like she has some sort of psychological problem that she is going to have to work out. And there is nothing you can do about it. It has to come from her. With that being said there is plenty that you can do to make it easier on yourself and give you some insight on why she acts the way that she does. Read any book on how mental illness affects spouses or families. "What to Do When Someone You Love Is Depressed" is a good one. It will help you understand where she is coming from and what you can do for her and most importantly YOURSELF through his process. It doesn't sound like depression to me because of the violence and the fact she doesn't sound like she is overly depressed when you say things are "good". The only thing is the substance abuse, that could come from straight depression. But there is obviously something else going on. If you truly love her and want this to work out there will be alot of hard work on her part and you have to find out if she is capable. Some people aren't. It will take alot of time no matter what. So be patient and do things for yourself as well as her. If you don't get yourself in the right frame of mind you will burn out quickly and that won't help anything. Godspeed brother!!
Author DOWNandConfused Posted August 27, 2007 Author Posted August 27, 2007 Gunny, I've read several of your other posts and you seem like a rather insightful guy, but I'm sorry, I can't just "dump" her just because she may need a little help. Am I one of the only people left on this earth that still believes in 'till death do us part? I know she's not perfect, but she is my wife and I love her and am dedicated to helping her through anything.
Gunny376 Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Gunny, I've read several of your other posts and you seem like a rather insightful guy, but I'm sorry, I can't just "dump" her just because she may need a little help. Am I one of the only people left on this earth that still believes in 'till death do us part? I know she's not perfect, but she is my wife and I love her and am dedicated to helping her through anything. I of all people admire your dedication and commitment to your wife. You are a man on honor and integrity! You are rare! You've chosen the hard and difficult path! I don't question you for that choice ~ BUT its not for the weak-minded, nor the faint of heart! So BE it! This is the path you've chosen! Let's set upon the path of your choice. Let's set about the work that is at hand. Win, lose or draw ~ it begins with you! And self discovery ~ self enlightenment! Know yourself ~ and you will defeat your enemy which is yourself! But? I first must ask you? Do you really want to know?
Gunny376 Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 I should clarify myself. Its obvious that your wife has "issues" ~ Hell! we all do! And we've all got problems and issues! Its not that your the only person that believes in "until death do us part" its that the concept is a BS concept. When the concept of "Until Death Do Us Part" was conceived? People didn't tend to live that long! "Forever and ever" wasn't all that long. The turth of the matter is? Half of all first time marriages end in divorce, and two-thirds of the other half are thinking damn seriously about it! Of the other one third? They have to work damn hard at it! And, that takes a lot of self discovery, self awareness, self enlightenment to get there! "WORKING" through your own self doubts, insecurties, issues, etc is what you should have done before your azz got married! But most of our dumb azzes went and got married before we dealt with ourselvese and our lives! OJT (On the Job Training) is a sorry azz way to learn when it comes to combat and marriage ~ but such is the way it is! But having failed, we need to get back to the fundamentals! And that means getting back to YOU!
Mz. Pixie Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Is it possible she might be bipolar?? I'm not a dr but I have a person close to me with this problem. It takes an average of 10 years for a person to get the right diagnosis if they are. Sometimes Antidepressants will induce mania or depression in someone with bipolar disorder. Often times people who are bipolar will strike out in rage at people as well. Alcohol is not good to mix with Anti D's either. But many patients who are bipolar often medicate with alcohol. I would try to see if I could get her parents to try to talk her into seeing a doctor. Google bipolar disorder and do some reading. If she is truly bipolar and she can get it under control then she may end up being a totally different person. With the right meds she can control her illness but she has to stay on her meds.
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