What'sWrongWithMe Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 I have been with my fiance for 4 years and we are due to marry next year. We lived together for 18 months of this time, but due to work and study committments we have been doing it long distance for the rest of the time- seeing each other at intervals of anywhere between one and six months. The problem is- as perfect 'husband material' as my fiance is- I am constantly attracted to male colleagues with whom I work closely. My fiance is in all honestly a bit 'dorky' in appearance but i have always told myself that looks aren't important long-term. My own thoughts of other (more physically attractive) male friends frustrate and terrify me. I have made a couple of mistakes with male 'friends' before and can afford no more- neither I nor my fiance would tolerate any more slip-ups (he knows about one of three). These have always occured in his absence, when Ive been feeling lonely and seeking comfort and reassurance. And perhaps wanting to feel again like an attractive young woman. For a while my mistakes only reaffirmed my decision that he is the one. But lately I am pushing the boundaries with another male friend- friendly hugs are becoming longer more frequent hugs, we are seeking opportunities to be together for no valid reason.....he has, in general, been an excellent friend and never tried anything, he knows i'm engaged and is hugely respectful of that. I am disgusted with myself for leading this on and I know that one more slip up will truly spell the end for my relationship. I am only 24 and this is my first boyfriend (although I slept with one other and very-nearly slept with another three but refused at the last minute). I suspect I might be terrified of no longer having the joys of freedom and feeling attractive to other men. It worries me terribly to get married while I'm having these thoughts. At this stage it's not too late to cancel. To be honest, what I'd like is a 'break' in our relationship (we've never had a break before) so that I can experience again the freedom and take of the that this long distance relationship is putting me under. But this man has moved from from overseas to Australia to be with me and I know he'd never buy it. Please help. I don't want these awful thoughts of other men, I just want to love and be faithful to mine. But they fill all my headspace and won't leave me alone. Oh -in addition- I am sick of ruining good friendships by making moves sexually and then losing that person as a friend. I really value this friend I have now and if anything happened between us, well....you can't really go back to where you were, nor can i imagine actually dating him. So apart from keeping my fiance, keeping my friendship is important to me too. Look forward to your answers.
Citizen Erased Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 You have shown numerous times this relationship isn't enough for you. You keep having your "slip-ups" and will continue to have them as long as you aren't entirely fulfilled in your relationship. I think deep down you know this relationship is over.
lostboy60645 Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 It fascinates me when I hear women's stories that ostensibly are similar to my own...that is, until I realize it's a small common thread we share but significant differences in our life choices. I guess one thing I'd like to know, as I'm a 'sex addict' (read the questionairre on www.sa.org), is if you think of sex as one of your most important needs. I'd also wonder how sex, and in particular, masturbation has been used in 'soothing' your 'nerves' over the years. Speaking for myself, apart from a couple of involuntary sexual experiences when I was molested/raped, I'd use masturbation to soothe me and feel 'love' for most of my life, from about age 11 or 12. As such, it became a secret and shameful way of soothing myself as an adult which I didn't share with my wife. Along the same lines, while I isolated in this shameful behavior instead of developing truly intimate relationships with others, this resulted in less dating and ultimately less sexual experiences than peers of mine. Once I ended up in marriage, for complicated reasons, masturbation became an escape from marital strife. My desire/lust escalated and was not fulfilled from my wife, who I'd developed serious marital problems with--mostly because of my cycle of isolation and thus not working things out. This detracted immensely from our sex life and so I sought relief elsewhere, first from porn, then strip clubs, and finally prostitutes. Anyhow, it may sound like a stretch for you, but I think it's worth looking into an evaluation by a sex therapist. Just a hunch, but I wouldn't be surprised if you were also verbally, physically, or sexually molested in your younger years. It seems that those of us who stray have that in common very often. You can read more about my sexually dysfunctional life on my blog Good Luck Lostboy60645 http://www.livingsobriety.blogspot.com
PandorasBox Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 The problem is- as perfect 'husband material' as my fiance is- I am constantly attracted to male colleagues with whom I work closely. IMO, you're not ready for marriage yet. I think you might want to do some soul searching, and live a little bit more before settling down, because if you are wondering this now, you will still wonder once you're married.
norajane Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 I am only 24 and this is my first boyfriend (although I slept with one other and very-nearly slept with another three but refused at the last minute). I suspect I might be terrified of no longer having the joys of freedom and feeling attractive to other men. It worries me terribly to get married while I'm having these thoughts. At this stage it's not too late to cancel. To be honest, what I'd like is a 'break' in our relationship (we've never had a break before) so that I can experience again the freedom and take of the that this long distance relationship is putting me under. But this man has moved from from overseas to Australia to be with me and I know he'd never buy it. Based on this, you absolutely need to break off your engagement. You are not ready to be married, and these feelings will not go away - they will escalate once you are married! No, your bf won't go for a 'break' so you can go out with and have sex with other guys. End this now - stop wasting your fiance's time.
4whatItsWorth Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 I agree with NJ. I don't believe you're a bad person - but I think you're one of those who isn't ready to be with just "one" person. I know I wasn't with my ex - he was UGLY. (Despite, I loved him.) And at this point - I am very happy I ended it. He was never the right guy for me. I don't think you're the right girl for your man, he is being faithful (for all we know) and he's moved overseas to be with you! He is 110% committed to you, and you repay him by "slip-ups" and longing for a break. It isn't fait on either of you, and I think you need to sit down and realise you are nowhere near a committment for life. Not with him, not with anyone. To marry someone, always wondering "what if" isn't a reason to marry. But then again, you've been with this guy for so long - perhaps you just miss the "rush" of a romance? In that case, no man will ever satisfy you for longer than a few years. Please, let him go. He doesn't deserve this - he deserves a woman who will stay faithful to him. I think you should let him know about your earlier slip-ups too. Let him know who you TRULY are, and then let him decide if he and you can go separate ways and then perhaps, one day, you will find yourself ready to settle down.
PoshPrincess Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 WWWM, I can see where you are coming from as I was the same in my previous LTR. I think the long and the short of it is, as much as you feel you love your fiance, he is NOT the man for you. If you truly wanted him (and don't forget marriage is about foresaking all others) then you would not want to be with anyone else. I don't think it is about sex either. In my situation I think it was more about affection and attention to be honest. Of course, it's great to feel sexy, attractive, fancied, or whatever......I get this from my current BF (I know he fancies me like mad) and still I am not satisfied. And I know this time that it is because he is not 'the one'. I am not feeling the chemistry. I guess you learn from your mistakes. I know it will be so difficult for you (I am the worlds worse at ending Rs) but you have to finish with your man. It's not fair on him if you cheat and as you say, it wouldn't be the first time. I did it. The first time it was just a kiss and, hell, did I feel guilty? So guilty in fact that I confessed all. The second time it was more than just a kiss and we ended up in bed together but nothing happened. I still felt guilty but I though I fancied this OM like mad. The third time it was a proper fling. That was when I knew I had to end things with my SO. I couldn't continue doing that to someone who had been so good to me and deserved so much better. The thing is, the more times it happens the less guilty you feel, and the less guilty you feel the easier it is to do it. You have to put a stop to it now before it gets out of hand! Lots of luck x
Lizzie60 Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 right now... don't get married. You are waaay too young and NOT ready for that long-term commitment. You and your bf will eventually be soo miserable and unhappy. Why marry? I bet my life that this marriage will not work out more than a couple of years. You really need to find out if HE's the one for you... but from what I read here, he's not... if you can cheat on him while dating, imagine after being with him a year or two. Noooooo not a good idea... stay single and have fun...
GoodOnPaper Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 Like everyone else is suggesting, you are NOT in good shape for marriage. I don't think you should feel guilty about feeling attraction toward these other good-looking men. It's all in your biology -- you want to find the best genes to pass along to your future children and the best provider/caretaker for your future family. You've found your "ideal" provider/caretaker -- he just doesn't have the genes (physical attractiveness) you want to pass along, so you look to other men for this. I think the bigger issue is that you haven't been honest with yourself or your fiance that you don't find him sufficiently attractive. Why have you stayed with him? It sounds like you have plenty of options at your disposal. Stringing him along like this will ultimately make things worse -- especially for him -- as time goes on. Being a "dorky, perfect husband-type" myself, I can tell you a few things: 1. Dorky, perfect husband-types aren't really "perfect". It actually takes a lot of effort to maintain that illusion, but we have rough edges just like the more attractive "players". 2. Dorky, perfect husband-types like sex and physical passion just as much the more attractive "players". Sometimes, this passion is hidden under layers of self-esteem and other emotional issues, but it is there. 3. While players need a lot of women to sleep with, a dorky, perfect husband-type is usually looking for one woman who truly wants him like a rock star. In your fiance's case, it doesn't sound like you are that woman. If he has any integrity, he'll recognize this.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 WWWM, I can see where you are coming from as I was the same in my previous LTR. I think the long and the short of it is, as much as you feel you love your fiance, he is NOT the man for you. If you truly wanted him (and don't forget marriage is about foresaking all others) then you would not want to be with anyone else. I don't think it is about sex either. In my situation I think it was more about affection and attention to be honest. Of course, it's great to feel sexy, attractive, fancied, or whatever......I get this from my current BF (I know he fancies me like mad) and still I am not satisfied. And I know this time that it is because he is not 'the one'. I am not feeling the chemistry. I guess you learn from your mistakes. I know it will be so difficult for you (I am the worlds worse at ending Rs) but you have to finish with your man. It's not fair on him if you cheat and as you say, it wouldn't be the first time. I did it. The first time it was just a kiss and, hell, did I feel guilty? So guilty in fact that I confessed all. The second time it was more than just a kiss and we ended up in bed together but nothing happened. I still felt guilty but I though I fancied this OM like mad. The third time it was a proper fling. That was when I knew I had to end things with my SO. I couldn't continue doing that to someone who had been so good to me and deserved so much better. The thing is, the more times it happens the less guilty you feel, and the less guilty you feel the easier it is to do it. You have to put a stop to it now before it gets out of hand! Lots of luck x Posh! The fact that you can identify with this story is just.... When you find yourself in this kind of a behavior loop it has ZERO to do with the person your with. This is your own internal problem. I hope you understand that. I mean get a grip, your letting yourself get used, and that should bother you. I'm glad you at least end the R. You dont need some guy to prove to you that your sexy and attractive. Besides your so much more than a pretty face, right?
mental_traveller Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 right now... don't get married. You are waaay too young and NOT ready for that long-term commitment. You and your bf will eventually be soo miserable and unhappy. Why marry? I bet my life that this marriage will not work out more than a couple of years. You really need to find out if HE's the one for you... but from what I read here, he's not... if you can cheat on him while dating, imagine after being with him a year or two. Noooooo not a good idea... stay single and have fun... I agree 100%. These thoughts are a strong sign that this guy isn't ultimately for you. He's not enough. That doesn't make you a bad person, it just means you've been with a nice guy but not someone you are truly madly 100% in love with. Definitely do not get married to him, it will be a disaster for both of you. Just tell him honestly but tactfully & sensitively that you don't feel strongly enough to want to get married. Do not try and let him down gently by telling white lies that will still give him false hope e.g. "I'm not ready for marriage yet". That will just string him along, it would be cruel and misleading. Be clear and remember that if it hurts him now that is 10 times better than marrying and hurting him far more in future.
RIDINGTHEBULLS1 Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 You sound like a tramp and your fiance is too good for you. He might be a dork, but that's better than a 50 cent tramp. You sound too immature for marriage anyways.. you sound like a 16 year old.
lovelorcet Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Sorry, but you are living in a delusional world of your own... You are anything but a "Faithful, committed fiance... " Do this guy a favor and just dump him.
PoshPrincess Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 When you find yourself in this kind of a behavior loop it has ZERO to do with the person your with. This is your own internal problem. I hope you understand that. I mean get a grip, your letting yourself get used, and that should bother you. I'm glad you at least end the R. You dont need some guy to prove to you that your sexy and attractive. Besides your so much more than a pretty face, right? I'm totally with you Cobra. I know it had zero to do with the person I was with. My ex was a fantastic bloke in many ways and he certainly deserved better than I could ever give him. The problems we had were mainly due to my low self-esteem. Maybe why I ended up involved with a MM?!!!!
PoshPrincess Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 You sound like a tramp and your fiance is too good for you. He might be a dork, but that's better than a 50 cent tramp. You sound too immature for marriage anyways.. you sound like a 16 year old. Charming. V helpful. NOT!
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