Author AnonyMOUSE18 Posted September 23, 2007 Author Posted September 23, 2007 Hi everyone, I am going to separate the items that are his or just too painful into boxes and set them aside. My house has a huge basement for storage, so they will be out of the way. I haven't unpacked very much since moving from California, because the truck with our stuff arrived after my STBXH left...and I had no energy to look at it. I'm just starting to be interested in getting my decorative stuff out again. My next door neighbor (who is starting a PhD at my school too, in a related department - the visual and cultural studies dept) wants to have a Halloween party mixer with me and my department! I said, yes yes yes! I've always loved hosting Halloween parties. This one is going to be fabulous, I can already tell. I have loads of Halloween decorations, and a huge backyard with a firepit, hammock, and picnic table - and lots of space for hanging out. Yeay! So, I'm doing okay. One major thing that just happened in the past 24 hours: I finally realized that I can't email or call him anymore. At all. I'm going to go through his lawyer to work out the separation / divorce settlement agreement, and that's it. I came to this conclusion the hard way. I resisted looking at the OW's livejournal for about a week. I was doing great - working on my reading and getting involved with stuff on campus, hanging out with friends, getting to know the city - then last night I was showing my housemate pics of the OW because they are so disgusting, and I ended up seeing the OW's livejournal entries. I thought I was so strong and could handle glancing at them. What I read made me furious. She was telling all her friends how amused she is with my communications with my STBXH, calling it "drama," saying how its her very own "soap opera," and that she would give more details in a private posting. She said that its "pathetic." She also posted an entry saying that my STBXH finally got a job, but that she is not saying where because a "certain someone" might show up and "harass" him at his new workplace. I have not harassed him or her at all. If I wanted to, I could, but I have no desire to do that...so I'm really angry that not only they don't appreciate how cooperative I've been, but they're painting the picture as if I am "harassing" them. My housemate was saying that if it were her, she'd call the OW's landline and cell, leaving all kinds of messages saying various crazy things I hadn't even thought of - my housmate is so loyal, its cute. She was rattling off all the mean things she'd say and I was laughing hysterically. =) Anyway, I haven't actually done ANYTHING like that. I KNOW what you're thinking - stop looking at the god forsaken livejournal - I KNOW! It sucks! I hate it! But I'm human, and its excruciatingly hard not to glance at it. In my final email last night I asked him nicely if she would make her livejournal private. Of course, she hasn't. So much for her having any iota of kindness in her. Anyway, this has gone too far. I have too much self-respect to tolerate her having a cackle over my sincere communications with him. Its so obnoxious and wrong. I won't let them keep hurting me like this. He has burned me too many times now. I can't stop her from posting horrible livejournal posts abusing me and saying things about B that are clearly meant to hurt me, but I can control my end of things. I can stop feeding them anything about me. I can take this pain and use it as a motivator to STOP looking at her stupid livejournal. So, I told him that was it. No more communication from me. I feel so burned that I feel 100% determined to not call or email, and keep that resolve steady through the inevitable ups and downs. Sometimes I'm tempted when I'm really upset, and sometimes when I'm feeling strong. I need to wall him off. He doesn't deserve access to me, and I need all my energy and space for myself right now. I know you've all been singing the merits of No Contact this whole time, but now I finally understand why. All my communication does is give him more of me to sh*t on. I don't want to be sh*t on. Enough is enough. I hate how I feel, not getting a response from him - and I REALLY hate how I feel after reading her godawful livejournal posts. So, thats what is going on right now for me. Some great strides, then, again, falling into a lame hole. At least this time I made a good decision, and learned a lesson. No more contact with STBXH. That's a step in the right direction. It will help. After this week's sequence of events and feelings, I really understand how much NC will help me. Now, how do I stop from looking at her livejournal? That one is harder. Its going to take a fierce resolve. Ughh. Thanks for all your advice and thoughts, and most of all for listening to me!
Gunny376 Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 As bad as they've burned you! You're azz should be ashes ~ BY NOW! You've a LOT to offer a really good man! The reason your man left you? You're too much woman/person for him to handle! You are awesome! Got that! Don't forget it! CC: To MamaMax & Mel
Melovator Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 It's ups and downs Scraggle, some days, some hours, some minutes are harder than others but it does get easier I promise! You just gotta keep pushing.This is hard enough without hitting yourself in the head with a 2x4 though and that's what sending emails off, text messages in the middle of the night and reading OW's journal is- hitting yourself in the head with a 2x4! If you're going to do that you might as well go down the woodyard and pick yourself out a nice bit of timber and carry it around with you 'Log Lady' Style. Every time you get tempted to look at OW's journal you can hit yourself with it! You don't have to rush to get anywhere- you've got time while doing your Phd. to work on perfecting your Dr Scraggle but that time is still now, you don't have to race just keep moving forward a bit more each day. Have some non-burnt chocolate-chocolate fudge muffins with full-fat cream- virtual calories don't count! If you keep telling yourself you can do it, one day you realise that you are.
PWSX3 Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Now, how do I stop from looking at her livejournal? That one is harder. Its going to take a fierce resolve. Ughh. Thanks for all your advice and thoughts, and most of all for listening to me! The 2x4 idea might be a good one but people will wonder why you are carrying around a big stick? :laugh: Someone gave me this suggestion about something else, but I would think it would work in your situation as well. Put a rubber band on your wrist & every time you are tempted to look just snap yourself a good one to remind you why you don't want to look. If you look it will hurt just like the rubber band does.
Melovator Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 The 2x4 idea might be a good one but people will wonder why you are carrying around a big stick? :laugh: Someone gave me this suggestion about something else, but I would think it would work in your situation as well. Put a rubber band on your wrist & every time you are tempted to look just snap yourself a good one to remind you why you don't want to look. If you look it will hurt just like the rubber band does. That's an excellent suggestion! Way better than the log- you can buy different colours and co-ordinate with your outfit- and with your long hair- who's going to think anything of you carrying an extra band for emergency hair tie backs?
sumdude Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Yeesh... sounds like your stbx has gotten mixed up with a first class b***h! One day he'll be the recipient of that side of her .. no doubt. You worry about yourself and don't let someone else's lies make you feel bad about yourself. YOU KNOW THE TRUTH! Y'know my ex did a strange thing. Sent me an envelope full of pictures of us... including the first pic of us together and a few wedding shots. The one she had framed as the special shot. So rather than just put them away she sent them to me so I had to look at them again. I try not to imagine her motivations but she had to know it would hurt...
Melovator Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 I noticed you posted a couple of times and wondered how you were going. You doing okay?
Author AnonyMOUSE18 Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 Hi Melov, and everyone! Yeah, I'm okay - ridiculous ups and downs, but doing alright. The rubber band on the wrist idea was GREAT!! It got me through the past few weeks. Then last week my STBXH emailed me, and I ignored it. Then today I just got a letter from his lawyer saying my "2 weeks" to draft our settlement agreement are "up," and that he is going to file for a default judgement. Good grief. They never, ever mentioned "2 weeks." According to our phone conversation, his lawyer granted me an unlimited extension of time to respond to the pleadings, so that I had enough time to draft the settlement agreement. I guess they're getting hot to trot to get this thing done. Oh well, perhaps it is for the best. I would like to be free and not have to explain that I'm married, but my husband is living with a whore in CA. My mom is going to help me put the details together, and I'll draft the agreement soon - but I'm SUPER busy with school, and I'm annoyed that my STBX is letting his lawyer push for me to write it quickly. I wrote to him saying it would be nice if his lawyer sent me a sample agreement to work off of. We'll see what they do. (I could say, send ME a draft of the agreement, you **ktards, but its better for me if I draft it the way I want to.) Anyway, school is great. TONS of work, but very satisfying. I'm hosting a Halloween party, and then a Departmental party the next weekend! There are great people in my program, who I can't wait to get to know better. I've cooled my jets on the dating front, since I don't have very much time for it. I did come home Saturday night from a drunken romp with friends, only to discover that I felt very, very sad. I was pretty drunk still, when I got home, and I put my head down on the kitchen table and wept. I don't know what specific thoughts were in my head at the time, I just cried. I went outside on the porch to smoke a clove cigarette in a fit of angst, and sobbed out there too. I wonder if the whole neighborhood heard me? I just felt wild inside. It felt good to get it out, but it also was terrible, somehow. The next morning I had a hangover, and laid in bed thinking. I'm going to be okay, it just takes time. Thanks for listening, everyone, and for checking in on me, Melovator!!
Gunny376 Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Yea Babe! It takes time! Get a dog! Preferabally a Daschund ~ they're the clowns of dogs! They'll make you laugh and feel good for hours upon hours! And love you like none other! Get yourself a dauschund! Each day when you get home? They'll be like "Where have you've been! I've been waiting for your happy ass all day!":cool:
Mary3 Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Scraggle I LOVE your letters ! Just when you think you have it all under control a small sob comes up. Its just residual leftover crap ( kinda like at the end of bronchitis ) when you need to cough up the last bits. I am very PROUD of you for all you KEEP doing, keeping busy , handling this all SO well. The ex husband isn't getting any money is he ? Whats his rush ?
Melovator Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Just wanted to know how you were going. The ridiculous emotional up and down thing really sucks, you're feeling fine and then bam- weepy mess. Wouldn't worry about the neighbors though- everyone's strange behind closed doors, so who cares what they think? It does get better, you will be ok, you're probably ok now, so you will be bloody excellent in the future! Being busy helps in the mean time... Take care.
sumdude Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 You're doing really well all things considered. Those moments will pop up ... those feelings are just simmering under the surface. It's better to let yourself feel them every once in a while. Holding them back too much only grows them.
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