Author AnonyMOUSE18 Posted September 15, 2007 Author Posted September 15, 2007 Thanks so much for the awesome posts!! I have become pretty angry, finally, about what this f**tard did to me. I've been imagining all sorts of negative and sordid things, wishing misery upon his head with all my might. But I need to stop thinking so hard about him!! That energy needs to go to me!! Fighting for my life, to get myself on my own brave path of success. Princess vs. Warrior - thats a great image! Its so true! Princess doesn't apply, and I think it would be pretty boring to be a classic princess - so much more exciting to be a WARRIOR! Just like ani difranco says, I am commander-in-chief of my very own ONE WOMAN ARMY! She also says, "If you're born a lion, don't bother trying to act tame." I always identified with that lyric. I have always been a lion, perhaps a lion that likes to play and take naps, but I definitely have the ability to roar, hunt, and be a leader. I have been "acting tame" for years, actually. But I'm not a housecat. I'm a f**ing lion. I've been pacing in my own self-produced cage for a month now, and its time to let myself OUT! And its so funny, but I think you're right, Missy, about my H being afraid of me. He's always been so darn fearful of everything! I've never understood that. He is definitely afraid! Oh well, he should be afraid, because I'm a LION! He's a gazelle, and if he comes anywhere near me I will rip his chest open! *roars* Okay, that was probably unduly graphic - but you all know what I mean. He doesn't deserve a lion - he is incapable of appreciating me. (My warrior comes out in me EVERY day and she's not one to be messed with ~ she's strong but she's fair, she's loyal but she doesn't take any crap ~ She's the voice inside of me that guides me and helps me shape my own destiny) Yes yes!! My warrior "fights with love and laughs with rage." (another ani quote) There is also this Tori Amos song I used to have an mp3 of called "Take to the Sky" that I found inspiring. Music can be really healing. Music, friends, and hard work. I want to cultivate bravery, and step up fully to every day's challenges, despite not always feeling ready to. People have told me to "be good to myself," and I think I've been using that as an excuse to think way too much about all of this, and muse and analyze and puzzle myself into a tangled knot of discomfort. Overprocessing an impossible problem is just going to make me more and more frustrated. I need to take action to truly be good to myself, in order to pull myself out of the bleak void that comes from thinking too hard about something I don't have control over, and obsessing about how to "fix" the situation in unhealthy ways. No more sad fantasies! No more yearning for a passive miracle to be handed to me! I need to grab my own miracle, and build it up, carve it out of blank rock, like I've always done before with my life. If I want to be happy, I need to actively seek happiness! If I want to be successful in my graduate work, I need to actively pursue that success! I still feel fragile on the inside, but I had a therapist that once said that sometimes you have to go through the motions, and that your mind and heart will catch up to them, once you take action. Thanks again for all your support, everyone!
Gunny376 Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where you can read it every day. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep. You mean the world to someone. You are special and unique. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks. Always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for Tequila and Salt and call me over! Good friends are like stars........You don't always see them, But you know they are always there. "Whenever God Closes One Door He Always Opens Another, Even Though sometimes It's Hell in the Hallway" I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here than a whole truck load when I'm gone
Author AnonyMOUSE18 Posted September 16, 2007 Author Posted September 16, 2007 Okay, so my H just emailed me. Weeks ago, I had emailed him questions that he never answered. This past week he was supposed to mail me three keys - two to my apartment and one to my garage... he put them in a flimsy letter envelope, and when it got to me the edges were ripped, and the keys were gone. I was furious. I left him a voicemail telling him that he is an idiot to put three heavy keys loose in a letter-sized flimsy envelope going from California to New York! Okay, so in my H's email he says: "I don't know what happened to the keys. I am 100% positive I sealed the keys in the envelope. Was it torn or opened and taped back together or anything strange at all? It's not a joke. I mailed you the keys. If they are gone, then someone stole them." What an idiot! They keys fell out because they were too heavy and weird-shaped for the flimsy envelope he used. In these little ways, he is still not taking responsibility for his asinine behavior! Anyway, regarding the questions I'd asked him, and my emails telling him that he owed me the decency of an apology, this is what he wrote: "I really can't get into personal stuff with you right now. It's not what I need. I don't disagree that you are owed an apology. Some day I will give you that, but right now I can't. There's nothing that I can say that will change anything that has happened." What do you guys think of what my H is saying? I think he's an SOB that needs his azz kicked!!! ------------------------------------------------------- Here is what I just wrote back to him: I'm not asking you to "change what has happened." I'm asking you to answer my questions and treat me like a human being. You should be grateful that I'm giving you the chance to explain yourself and apologize. You should be embracing this opportunity to "come clean" and mend what has been broken that can be mended- but instead you chose to bury your head in the sand, with regards to the emotional aspects of what you did. C's livejournal paints the picture that you guys are having a grand old time together, everything is perfect, and you're basically de facto married now. She does not acknowledge that you just walked away from a relationship that used to be a centerpiece of your life, of my life, and a centerpiece of the lives of our friends, families, and our larger family community. She does not appear to realize what pain and emotional confusion and strain you must be going through. Even if I was the monster that you portray me to be, you'd be having issues right now. The fact that deep down you KNOW who I really am, the innate beauty of what we really had together, and that I actually am a loving person deserving of much better treatment from a spouse - all this knowledge must be unbearably painful. Somewhere deep inside yourself, you must be enduring that pain. She likely doesn't want to hear about it, because the pain of this loss is a reminder of the lies you told her, and the fact that you were married, etc. You're trying to win her trust, and showing the pain you feel over leaving me is not likely to help her trust that you've devoted yourself 100% to her and her son, for the rest of all eternity, like she wants you to be. The truth is, you can't commit to anyone right now. You're not in the position to. I know you're going to find that difficult to hear, but its true. I've been out there dating - I've met some wonderful people - but I feel that there is a significant recovery period that is necessary before a heart is fully open and available to anyone else. I know you've had more time to process leaving me, and more time to detach yourself from me, but you didn't fully leave me until August 5th. Our relationship was significant. You're still going through that pain, you must be. No, you can't change what you did. Our relationship is over. You will likely never play nintendo with me, watch movies/shows with me, eat ice cream with me, or enjoy my presence again. You have lost me. You will never have children with me. You will never be part of my family again. But you CAN change how you handle your life, NOW, IN THIS MOMENT IN TIME. You have control over the NOW, and over the FUTURE. You now have the chance to work on YOURSELF, and this is what you claim to have sacrificed our relationship for. It is up to you whether you take advantage of that saving grace or not. You state that talking to me about what is happening ("personal stuff") is not good for you, and "not what you need." But ask yourself this question: Are you really engaged in what is going to help you the most, right now? Hopefully you are able to acknowledge that jumping into a long term relationship with someone else is notgoing to help you with yourself. I don't care who you're with - C or anyone else - this is a very bad time for either of us to jump into another relationship. Relationships require outward attention, and right now the most important thing for us both to heal and grow is inward attention. We BOTH have a lot of growing up to do, and independence and growth are simply impossible when someone is trying to juggle a new relationship. Its a fact of life. I am not trying to break you and C up out of spite, and I'm not saying this because I am trying to convince you to come back to me. I do not want you to come back to me. I am simply pointing out a fact that you need to face. Standing on your own two feet is going to be the only way to get through this with your head straightened out on your shoulders. I know you don't want to hear that, and especially don't want to hear ME say that, but its true. You say that you "can't" apologize to me right now, and this is true. This statement is one in which you are actually acknowledging the true situation that you're in. You are hurting too. You have many issues to sort out. You are not yourself, right now - not yet. You may feel numb or angry more than anything else, and not really feel like you can apologize because you don't feel sorry about what you did, not really, not yet. That is honest, to admit that. I am glad that you are at least admitting this to yourself - that you're not in the right mindset to apologize to me right now. The truth is also that if you continue down the road of burying your emotions until you explode, you are never going to be able to apologize to me, or to yourself. You are never going to be able to face your own truths, if you continue to bury your emotions and run away from problems. You're going to have to man-up and step to the plate. Its going to be very difficult, especially for you. You need to figure out who you are and what you want to do with this life. We have one wild and precious life. I wanted to give mine to you, but we got sidetracked, and you decided to terminate our love and our future without a second glance. So be it. Now, you potentially have your whole wild and precious life to yourself, and you need to think long and hard about what you really want from your own precious time on this earth! I am a passionate, strong woman, and I still care about you, and its very difficult to not have any meaningful contact with you. But you're the one that is losing out on an opportunity to mend what little possibility there is for us to be friends. You are only making the road for me harder, and also for yourself - but I am not afraid of the hard road. I am not afraid of pain. Pain is going to assault us, no matter what we do. So we might as well do our best to face truth and be good people on this earth. You can take yourself and your promises away from me, but you can never take away my dignity, my self-respect, and my spirit. It is mine. You had the chance to share it, but you lost that chance. So, you need to pick up the pieces and move on, but don't do so blindly! I want both of us to learn from this, not just me! Tread forward with bravery and honor, not with cowardice and self-delusions. Nothing worthwhile was ever easy. Take the difficult task of self-discovery with pride, courage, and hope. This is what I wish for you. ----------------------------------- I'm eager to hear what you all think about this email exchange. I know I need to be very stingy with my heart and not let him hurt me anymore, but I can't help but want to tell him the truth, straight-up, and show him the full force of my strength in the face of this nightmare. He is such a scrawny hearted man. I truly do want to see him grow and learn from this. Do I have my own motives, too? Of course. I think that growing up from all this will also force him to see what he lost, and feel the pain he deserves to feel from what he did to me. Its important for him to feel it, and have Mr. Reality kick him in the azz. Not to mention that it is satisfying from my point of view! What do you all think???
Gunny376 Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 I think your ex is an azz-hat! A FOOL! Quit beating yourself up OVER it! Get busy living your life!
Gunny376 Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 I'm PO at you Scragg! I come from a long line of Southren poor folk! I'm one of the few that made it through HS, and the first to make it through college!
Author AnonyMOUSE18 Posted September 16, 2007 Author Posted September 16, 2007 I'm PO at you Scragg! I come from a long line of Southren poor folk! I'm one of the few that made it through HS, and the first to make it through college! Huh? Gunny, please explain?
Gunny376 Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 What's your "beef" with me~ Cad Rake?! I "suspect" you"re former "military" if nor a Marine? If not that? You've gone to one of the Ivy League Schools~ PM me with your "issuses" about me! I know you're a "broker" in NYNY~
Gunny376 Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 Huh? Gunny, please explain? You don't know what you've been blessed with? It will be Monday or Tuesday before I can explain it to you! (My day's off|
Author AnonyMOUSE18 Posted September 16, 2007 Author Posted September 16, 2007 Gunny, I think maybe I know what you meant - tell me if I am wrong, but: I have been extremely blessed and fortunate, and I have the world before me, if I make the effort to seize it. To he** with this man who has treated me with such heartlessness - I deserve better, and I owe it to myself to walk away from him and not let him hurt me anymore. I owe it to myself and parents and friends too - those who helped make sure that I became the strong, educated, provided-for person I am. Is that what you mean? I need to take stock of what I have to be grateful for. Butterfly once said to get some rest and then wake up and write down ten things I am thankful for. Its a good idea. It helps to see life without the bleakness that is so easy to let overwhelm you.
Gunny376 Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 Gunny, I think maybe I know what you meant - tell me if I am wrong, but: I have been extremely blessed and fortunate, and I have the world before me, if I make the effort to seize it. To he** with this man who has treated me with such heartlessness - I deserve better, and I owe it to myself to walk away from him and not let him hurt me anymore. I owe it to myself and parents and friends too - those who helped make sure that I became the strong, educated, provided-for person I am. Is that what you mean? I need to take stock of what I have to be grateful for. Butterfly once said to get some rest and then wake up and write down ten things I am thankful for. Its a good idea. It helps to see life without the bleakness that is so easy to let overwhelm you. GRITS You've heard the term? It hardened hog ~ cow corn. Too togh a fiber for human to digest! Most humans can't digest canned or frozen corn! GRITS? Is dried out, hardened grown up corn, that first been made into homilie? Which is "dried up~ hardened~ grown-up~feed-corn for cattle" dyed in pot-ash~ LYE! Yea! I'm telling ya to come down here and learn how to live off the land, some gator hunting, and a little cotter. I don't care! BUT? Your life OR mime! GET busy LIVING YOUR life!
Gunny376 Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 Going to bed ~ knowing I'ved failed you! SORRY!
Melovator Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 About the keys- he's an idiot but you knew that anyway? Why be annoyed? Just deal with it how you've got to deal with it (e.g. get copies made, change locks, whatever) and laugh! Who cares?????? And no- he's not taking responsibility for his behaviour so really- hate to say it but that email was stupid, your inner princess wrote that. Don't send him emails looking for answers he can't give you. And to be admitting that you look at the OW's journal? Aughhh! You shouldn't be looking as its bad for your mental health- and you certainly shouldn't be admitting it to him! That's just admitting that you're still hung up on the wombat a$$ed wanker. His issues are just that- his issues. They are not yours. You are not on the same flight together anymore, if his baggage gets too heavy for him or lost in transit that's his problem to deal with, it is not yours. And he is not going to listen to anything you have to say anyway- just because of the source. Have you read any of the threads talking about Non-Contact (NC)- I used to dream of being able to have NC (but me and ex have child together)- your STBXH (start saying it, yes its hard but eventually you do get used to saying 'my ex') is on the other side of your country- PRAISE THE LORD! Forget you know his email- especially at any moments of emotional descent. And then the telling him you're dating, its none of business what happens in your life- he lost that right. You have no reason to communicate with him except to deal with the formailities of ending it. What you are doing in your life doesn't concern him- you do not need to seek his approval or to even just poke your tounge out him and say "See I'm so freaking great I don't need you jerk." Mr Reality will walk in his door someday, its just a fact, once you realise that there's no need to tell your ex how stupid he is, he'll work it out one day. (Besides have you ever thought that your communications with him are not private? I certainly make that assumption any time I think about emailing the ex about what a rat-fink bastard he is. Don't give them opportunities to bond over your silliness.) The only person's approval you should be seeking now is your own and set the standard high for yourself. Its not about having a bad day- everyone has bad days around here, you get through them. Its not about just trying to get through all the pain and heart ache of this situation, it about the rest of your life! If you are focused solely on relief from your emotional pain- on just getting through this sh*tty part then you're missing the point that other sh*tty things are going to happen for the rest of your life! So learn from this experience so when other things happen you have the internal tools to get through. Its not what happens to you that defines who you are, its how you deal with it and the decisions you make. And being enthused about your life is a decision you make, and then you follow through with it. Its not just about feeling blessed with good circumstances in life- its utilising those circumstances to make better ones for the future. I don't know- its a feeling like when you stand outside with your feet in the grass and the early morning sun on your back, breathe deeply and know that life is hard but its good so bring on the new day! Whatever happens, you can handle it. I'm descending into total cliches now... its about Grit like Gunny said, about digging deep within yourself to find the strength to get stronger.
Author AnonyMOUSE18 Posted September 17, 2007 Author Posted September 17, 2007 I am trying to face the harsh realities, and trying to resist the urge to "FIX" what is wrong between my STBXH and I. Its over. He is gone. And ya know what? I'm going to be fine. I'm actually going to be stronger and more alive without him. But, sheesh. Its just so easy to backslide. Feeling good and confident sometimes leads me to feel empowered, and become caught up in trying to find another way to accomplish the dream of him and I being together forever, as a family. I'm very goal-oriented. I had no chance to fix this, and it bothers me tremendously that I had no idea that anything was wrong until he slammed his decision to leave in my face. But its out of my control. He can choose to behave however he wishes. Yes, we all know that he is an idiot to walk away from this without trying. But focusing on his idiocy is not going to propel me forward into future joy. Yes, he is an idiot. But you're right, Melovator - he is on another path now. His problems are HIS problems, and I need to cleanse him and his baggage from my mind and heart. I was reading websites about emotional pain and grief, and I found one that said: At the very same moment that we feel consumed by grief, we each have the source of all Joy and happiness inside ourselves... Our grief is, in a very real sense, the mistaken belief that our happiness is connected to external things, situations, and people. It is the loss of awareness that happiness flows from within. So grief is more about the loss of connection to our own selves than it is about the loss of connection to a loved one or relationship. This helped me. I know that my true happiness does not hinge on my STBXH. There are still some things I'm trying to wrap my mind around, though - like what does one do with all the years of memories? I wish I could hop into Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and delete my STBXH from my mind, at least for a year or two. But only time seems to make the memories less painful, so far. I just get so angry that I want to smash something. I'm sorry, Gunny, Melovator, and everyone - I know I've been really needy lately - and my emotions have been all over the place. Its like, just when I think I'm making progress I fall back down into a mess of bad feelings and unhealthy desires to fix everything. I lay in bed and HOPE so hard, I WISH so hard and desperately that he will snap out of this and come back - I DEMAND that his relationship with this bimbo dissolve, and that he feel REGRET for what he has done, and want to come back - I THROW my intention out there into the universe with such force that my whole body is tensed up and searing with pain and fury. How can hope, pain, and fury grip a body like that, all at the same time? Its kinda scary. I usually can only maintain that extreme state for a little while, then I collapse and fall asleep.
Author AnonyMOUSE18 Posted September 17, 2007 Author Posted September 17, 2007 You know what my problem is? I'm stubborn. Horribly stubborn. I can't just let go of something very easily. *rolls eyes at myself for being difficult*
Mary3 Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 Remember this also : NEVER give * energy * to something ( or someone ) that isn't giving it * back * Meaning :" This guy is NOT suffering , not greiving over your loss. This guy is NOT talking to you. So you need to STOP talking to him. Tit for Tat ~ yes but its vital. If someone is giving you all the attention you deserve then you return it in kind ( if you are interested ) but if they are ignoring you , then show self respect by not showing any yourself , not pondering and wondering about this man but rather MOVING forward and paying ALOT of attention to YOURSELF . Love yourself FIRST. Then someday when you are healed you will be strong enough to accept ONLY the best in treatment !
Gunny376 Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 Yes, you are stubborn, and there are reasons behind that! Due in no small part because you're also very intellegent and well educated. That works for you and against you! A paradox. Its the reason that people that are "street smart" ~ that dropped out of HS, say that college educated individuals don't have any "common sense" Why did your DH walk out on you for another woman? Let me clue you in! You could have multiple PhD's as to why marriages fail! OK? And, STILL not know why YOURS failed! Dear Abby HERSELF for crying out loud ended up in divorce court! Many of us ~ when we go through this crap ~ end up in an "un-solveable logic matrix" Its a "trap" ~ and that's where your at with this. Your (computer term) "looping" ~ as in "Does not compute! Does not compute!" Its your intellegence and education that's working against you! Your looking for the "magic" bullet, the "recipie" the formula, the book etc. It doesn't exsist! You want the "recipie"? The formula? The "Magic Bullet?" Here it is! ITS OVER! ITS DONE AND DID! HE'S NOT GOING? HE'S GONE! With that said? Get out there and get your azz busy living your life! Life's short you know! Too short to be dragging around dead horses! What is? Is! What was? Was! What will be? Will be! Life's too damn short to be walking around hating Life and everyone in it! Get busy Living ~ or get your azz BUSY dying! Its JUST that plain and simple! Its YOUR job and RESPONSIBILITY to put a smile on your face each morning. To get your azz out there and rub a little sunshine on your face ~ that's YOUR job! Not mine! Not the STBXH's! Your happines doesn't have "spit" to do with the STBXH. "Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be!" ~ Abe Lincolon Your STBXH doens't have a damn thing what you can't find just as good as, ~ if not better, just as much of if not MORE of from another! You? You have a lot to offer a good man! Sorry! You've just entered the "No-Pity-Party" Zone! You're only allowed ONE per breakup anyway!
pinrazr Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 Hi Scraggle (and everyone else!) I know I'm new to this thread, and it seems to be quite established, but I've been reading it and just wanted to add a couple comments... I'm dealing with something very similar to you, except I wasn't married. I had been with my ex for 5 years since college (both in our mid-20s now)...we had had our problems, but were working on them and getting stronger. He's a really caring, honest, and sweet guy for the most part...and we were always there for each other. However, a few months ago, he started acting very strange, saying terrible things to me like I'm a bad person and nobody would ever love me. He was incredibly judgmental towards me, and acted like I was the source of all his problems (he has been dealing with a lot of stress...his family situation, work, etc.) Two days after telling me how he thinks we're going to make it this time around and how happy he was, he got really depressed and told me he doesn't care about me anymore and thinks that he never really loved me ever (but just wanted a gf at the time)...he says he "doesn't feel anything anymore" and started yelling at me...then broke up with me over the phone. I contacted him once, but he was really angry for some unknown reason, virtually telling me to never contact him again and hanging up on me. I know how you feel about how easy it is to go between feeling strong to finding yourself trying to find ways, or "solutions", to fix things. I too hope and pray that he'll snap out of whatever he's going through and realize that we have such a connection...and history...realize that we're something special and worth fighting for. Plus, it makes it 10x harder since there's absolutely no resolution or communication, doesn't it? Anyways, I guess the reason why I'm telling you my story is because it's comforting for me to know that others are dealing with the same situation, and I admire the strength and courage that you've developed within the past months in your posts. Keep posting...let me know how things are going!
Missy27 Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 There are still some things I'm trying to wrap my mind around, though - like what does one do with all the years of memories? You've pretty much hit the nail on the head here scrag ~ MEMORIES ~~ That is ALL that your STBXH is now Thats how I learnt to adapt to my LTR break up. I spent 2 days after the break-up of my 12 year relationship feeling sorry for myself and trying to fathom everything out in my mind. I was SO angry ~~ Then I woke up three days later and said to myself "He's JUST a memory" a memory that became more and more distant each and every day ~~ The good memories fade to dust and leave no more of a scar on you than that graze you got when you fell off your trike as a kid ~~ That is as long as you ENSURE that you dont let that tiny little graze turn into a scar ~~ the more you pick at it the more likely it is to scar ~~ if you let it be it will heal over nicely and ~~ although one day ~~ years on ~~ when you're talking with old friends about your childhood you might very vaguely remember the day that you fell off your trike and got yourself that graze ~~ there will be no sign of it ~~ ANYWHERE ! Thinking too much never does you any favours ~~ You gotta accept your new found situation for what it is and turn it into something that works to your advantage ~~ You've got the control over your life now ~~ Its an amazing feeling when you actually realise that your faced with making your own decisions ~~ For YOU ~~ you dont gotta worry about anything else at the moment except what YOU want to do ~~ where YOU want to be in 5 years ~~ and what YOU need to make YOU happy ~~ it's the beginning of a life long learning curve ~ and this is where you're warrior comes in handy ~~ she wont let you feel sorry for youself for too long and she'll soon knock that stubborness out of you and give you a BIG glimpse at the bigger picture ~ Side Note: Excellent posts Melovator & Gunny ~~ YOU know what its all about ~ !
Cad Rake Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 I spent 2 days after the break-up of my 12 year relationship feeling sorry for myself and trying to fathom everything out in my mind. I was SO angry ~~ Then I woke up three days later and said to myself "He's JUST a memory" a memory that became more and more distant each and every day You were over him 5 days after a 12 year relationship?
Missy27 Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 You were over him 5 days after a 12 year relationship? No Cad Rake ~~ I didn't say that now did I ~~ WHERE in my above post does it say that I was "over" my X in 5 days ~~ ? ~ In fact this is what I said ~ Thats how I learnt to adapt to my LTR break up I simply said that after a couple of days of feeling REALLY sorry for myself and VERY angry I made the concious decision to start changing my perspective on the way things were and adapting to what had happened and learning how to deal with my emotions and the break up in general ~ Please do not try to deliberately mis-interpret what I am saying ~ I have noticed that you have done the same to some others on here and it really does not get you anywhere and you present yourself as being terribly un-educated
sumdude Posted September 19, 2007 Posted September 19, 2007 There are still some things I'm trying to wrap my mind around, though - like what does one do with all the years of memories? I wish I could hop into Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and delete my STBXH from my mind, at least for a year or two. But only time seems to make the memories less painful, so far. I just get so angry that I want to smash something. Hi Scraggle, I'm about 8 months after the sudden separation a now officially divorced. For a while the memories hurt like hell... the good ones even more. One thing I did was to take down any pictures or special gifts, knick knacks etc. that were connected with my ex. Boxed up in the basement. I repainted my bedroom from the color she picked out. I did rituals, burning romantic cards etc. like little funerals. Rituals help.. find some that work for you. You have to bury the marriage somehow. After some time the memories become les and less emotionally difficult. It's important to feel your feelings deeply but not get lost in it. Some people pick a weekend, get the photo albums out and look at the whole thing from the beginning and just let it all gush out. What Gunny calls the one big pity party. After a few hours of it you'll probably get worn out from the grieving. It all takes time but the sooner you start actually grieveing the sooner you'l get to feeling like yourself again. I'd say it was 7 - 8 months for me a slowly lifting emotional curve... which ain't bad. Each day a bit better with ups & downs. Everyone is different. Just don't let this hold back the future enjoyment of life for you.
mammax3 Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Hello...? Scraggle? How's it going? I'm just getting caught up on your thread. ((hugs)) It is tough. Crazy tough. And sad. And painful. (and, contrary to Gunny's comment, I had WAAY more than one pity party. Almost every 'up' and 'empowerment' moment was paired with one down moment. But soon the 'downs' weren't as low...) I found what helped is securing myself in my other roles as a woman. I'm not a 'wife' anymore or a lover, but I'm still a daughter and a mother and a friend. You are still a kick ass smart woman. Embrace that role. Tenaciously cling to it, if that's the one that works for you. For me, it was motherhood. Use what you've got and float on that boat until you're ready to row again. I'm 5 months in, and I'm beginning to pick up the paddle. I'm gaining strength everyday. I still have minor set backs and I expect there to be some more. I'm hoping, like sumdude, 8 months in to have it even more in a pile than I do now. Although I haven't yet been able to sift through the piles of memories he declined to take with him and burn whatever I don't like. I imagine I will get there (I can feel it inside me now, but there's the time constraint...!) and I fully plan to eradicate him from most of the photo albums (not entirely, though, the kids would wonder!! Lol!). The thing that really helped me is the decluttering and repainting. All on my own. I feel I'm accomplishing things I always let him control. Taking full possession of my life. I totally understand why you sent that email, and all the positives you wish for the man you thought you were married to - the man you wanted to be married to. But that's not him over there, now is it? You're giving that stranger all your intimate thoughts and care. You're pouring yourself into a careless stranger (as opposed to us, caring strangers, of a sort!). I found it helped to post those emails to another addy for me to read later on. That way my thoughts and emotions are getting organized for me, but I'm the caring one who gets to read them, the caring one who will hold those thoughts and wishes with gentle hands. You can't do anything to help him or make it easier for him or to enlighten him. It really is up to Mr. Reality now. You can focus on you. Shine yourself up and "rub sunshine on your face". If he wallows and struggles and trips and stays in that crappy relationship, that's his bag. Warrior Scraggle takes no prisoners of their emotions. You don't need someone who is not only willing to leave you for a flake, but you need someone who is as strong, as intelligent and as emotionally available as you!! Don't drag him along. ((hugs)) again and pass the cupcake, please.
Gunny376 Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Having traveled down this merry road for quite sometime now, I can assure you that you need to be very careful of what you throw away, burn etc from the relationship. Especially if there are chldren involved. Box it up, put it in the attic, the basement, store them at a friends house, a relatives house etc. That's a significant part of your life your history. Five, ten, twenty years from now ~ when you're in a different time and place in your life ~ you'll be stronger and more capable of opening that Pandra's Box. The reason for keeping them is because good or bad, pretty or ugly ~ that's a signiifcant part of your life and your history. Of who you once were, and who you are now! And, it will become with years of reflection of how you got from where you were to where you are to where you will be. I promise you? Five, ten twenty years from now you will view them in a significant light.
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