Author AnonyMOUSE18 Posted September 6, 2007 Author Posted September 6, 2007 Hi all, I just got served with divorce papers. It really, really freaked me out. My H said that he would let me know if and when he hired an attorney - apparently, he has, and he didn't tell me anything about it. Getting the divorce papers is scaring me because I thought we were going to work out a separation / divorce agreement, and not have to go to trial. But this makes it appear that he wants to go to trial, which is long, vicious, and expensive - and he listed assets on here that scare the sh*t out of me, like the bedroom suite that my grandmother gave me as my inheritance. Its so surreal. How could this have turned so ugly? He is not returning my emails or phone calls. I am really upset, but I don't want to bother my parents about it right now. They are going to freak out, because this means I need to get a lawyer, and FAST. I'm so scared about this - I know how expensive lawyers and trials can be. Yes, I have the advantage of having gone to law school and being the "innocent" party in this adulterous debacle, but its still going to be expensive and heart-wrenching and VERY stressful, if he wants to have a bitter trial over the few things we owned together! Did anyone else have a visceral reaction of fear and anxiety when they received the divorce papers?
Gunny376 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Here's what you do ~ walk outside and,.....................................breath damnit! BREATH! Square breathing! Inhale ~ hold to a count of four Exhale ~ hold to a count of four! Worked GREAT when some JOKER was trying to take my head off with an AK-47! Quit waiting to exhale!
Gunny376 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 btw ~ It's alright To Scream And Shout And Run Around In Circles! its Alright For Your azz To Get A Little Crazy!
Gunny376 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 I'm here and will walk you through it! No charge!
Author AnonyMOUSE18 Posted September 6, 2007 Author Posted September 6, 2007 Hi Gunny! Thanks for the breathing help - I just did the square breathing, and I feel better! I also talked on the phone for hours with some close friends. That helped a lot too. *sigh* Well, again, one thing I can take away from this is that my H is a lying bastard, and I'm honest. He said he would tell me if he got a lawyer, and that was a lie. But I have better things in life to focus on, and I can't let these divorce papers mess with my head. I just started classes, and I need to focus on myself. The paperwork is for my lawyer to handle, and if my H wants a long, drawn-out, and messy trial divorce, he is insane - all I want is something fair and fast. I have lots of lawyer friends to help me with this paperwork bull***, and there is a point where it is a relief to just sit back and let the lawyer do the work. Its tempting to get all hot to trot and try to be my own legal advisor, but I'm too emotionally exposed in this case - this is my love, my life, my grandmother's gifts, etc. I need an outside lawyer to be able to look at this with a non-biased, legal perspective! I don't need to read the darn papers over and over again - once is enough. Poop on it. I'm going to go study. To he** with my H and his depraved heart. I deserve peace and love, not agony! So, peace and love, HERE I COME!
justfine Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Hi Scraggle18, I'm knew here. I just read your thread and from your first post, I knew your STBX doesn't deserve you. You can do 1000x better! Don't freak out. This is a blessing in disguise. Once you meet with your attorney, you'll feel a heck of alot better.
Mary3 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Scraggle you are SUCH an awesome woman ! I enjoy reading your posts and I am very PROUD of you that you are handling this all sooo well and you got an ATTORNEY and I know you are concerned about your grandmothers furniture. Just tell the attorney everything and let them do the haggling and take all the stress. You are SOOOOOOOON going to be a freeeee woman ! " Now how awesome does that sound ?
Melovator Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Breathing is good! And you know the first and best rule of lawyering (or non-lawyering): Only a fool has him or herself as a client. Yay for you! Have a low fat lemon yogurt muffin- surprisingly nicer than you'd think! Scraggle, he of the depraved heart (great phrase) must be cr@pping his dacks! He has to know you can take this on (not personally- though have a laugh if you suspect he thinks you're that dumb!), you know how all this stuff works, in principle if not in particular practice, and you have resources- that's why he's got a lawyer. He's playing chicken with you... seeing how much he can get before you get your pinstripe on and come after his 'nads. You know this was just his opening salvo, his cannon ball across the deck... He's got a lawyer, he's doing what his lawyer tells him to do. You see your lawyer, take your next step. He knows there's no way he's getting the bed. And study, just think when you get that Phd. you'll be Dr Scraggle and you'll be able to say "I owe this degree to all to myself"!
Gunny376 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 I know of A place? Where there ain't no one crying! Where there ain't no one worried! Where there aren't any smiling faces, lying to your face! With my help and the help of a few friends here ~ we're going to take you there! But its an E-ride from Hell, and you might have to "white-knuckle" a bit of the way down! So get in, sit down, shut-up, and hold-on!
sumdude Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Yep, sounds like he's following the lawyers advice. Lawyers very often like the drawn out battles .. more billable hours for them. In the end you often end up spending more on the lawyer than anything you 'win' in the battle.
butterfly37 Posted September 6, 2007 Posted September 6, 2007 Don't panic Scraggle. He'll get what's coming to him. And you'll get yours. Don't let circumstances change you. You are a good woman. Don't ever forget that.
Author AnonyMOUSE18 Posted September 12, 2007 Author Posted September 12, 2007 Well, my H did email me after all my ridiculous voicemails I left him saying "WHAT THE F*%#* IS GOING ON?? WHY ARE YOU SUING ME AND LISTING OUR FURNITURE AS COMMUNITY PROPERTY??" He apparently was just doing what his lawyer told him to, and wasn't trying to imply that he wants my bedroom suite or anything. He still wants to work out an agreement along the lines that we discussed before. Phew. I talked to his lawyer on the phone, and the lawyer was really nice to me - totally understood my position. The lawyer and I talked in legal terms about stuff so I knew what was going on, and I felt cool knowing that my H would have had no clue what we were talking about! I was better after hearing from my H and the lawyer, and had several days of upbeat living - chatting with people on the match website, studying for class, hanging out with friends, etc. I was feeling okay, and even beginning to feel good about him not being here. I had a great weekend. But then somehow I fell back into a hole. I forgot to take my medicine yesterday (anti-depressant) and today I couldn't wake up in time for class. I accidentally turned the alarm off instead of hitting snooze, and I slept so heavily that it was hours later before I realized what happened. I missed class, and I feel SO guilty, irresponsible, and awful about it. I am going out tonight on a date with someone, though - we're going for Indian food. Its someone that seems like a good match, for now - he is also separated, and had similar things happen to him recently - his wife was seemingly a wonderful person, but then she went nuts, cheated, lied, and then left him for dead. Horribly familiar! Anyway, so I need to go get in the shower and get ready for my date. I just feel so horrible. I know its the lack of anti-depressants in my bloodstream (I took one, but it takes a while for the level to get back to what it should be when you've missed a dose and its been so many hours...) but I just feel really hopeless, worthless, and pointless. I feel like I must have been a horrible person, for my H to be able to do this to me. How can he not feel bad about this? Is this ever going to bite him in the a**? I want him to realize he made a mistake and come begging me to take him back, just so I can say, NO! And not be feeling like the pathetic loser who got abandoned. I know this is all very irrational, and that I actually am a wonderful person...but it just doesn't *feel* that way to me right now. Aghhh!! I hate missing a dose of my medicine. It really trips me up.
Mary3 Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 I am a little concerned that you are going out on a date with a guy who has a past cheating wife ( he is still legally married to her ) and has some baggage. Not to say * any * of us is baggage free but I think you might want to make that a very LIGHT casual date and get to KNOW this guy. He may have recovered from being cheated on or he might be scarred for life. I say once again LIGHT and CASUAL. Please don't get too deeply involved again so fast because you need to date plenty and with quality ...keep your options open.
Melovator Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 Take your medicine and are you also seeing a therapist? The medicine evens out your chemicals but its no good if your accompanying self-critical thoughts are not also treated. So you slept in? It happened, the thing is not to get into a negative spiral where you skip once and then feel bad so you skip again and then again and again until you're not going. Don't beat yourself up over it. And I would suggest not dating- spending time with, enjoying the company of- but dating???? I'm going to be all mum-like: You have school. Boys are a distraction. Leave them alone. You're not yourself right now, you'll miss obvious signs of f*cktardery that you would otherwise see a mile off. And about your ex- Reality is like pantene- it won't happen overnight but it will happen, and when it happens he's going to have a very bad hair day! Now go stand in front of a mirror and repeat twenty times "I am strong, I am in charge of my life and I am fabulous." Then brush your teeth!
Gunny376 Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 As a general rule of thumb the best time to start dating again is/isn't: Isn't when your still married. Isn't when you've just moved to a new place ~ and your still married Isn't when the other person your dating ~ is still married. Isn't when the other person your dating ~ is still married and had a cheating spouse! Isn't when your just beginning Grad School Isn't when your taking anti-depressants medication Isn't until a minimum of one year after the ink is dried on the divorce papers!
butterfly37 Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 I agree Scraggle. Just go spend time with your girlfriends. Explore and discover yourself; who you are without anyone else involved. You may feel like that little green caterpillar crawling around on your belly in the dirt. Wrap yourself in a cocoon of love and protection. Come the spring you will shed that protective coating, spread your wings, display the beauty that has been developing, know that you are free and FLY! God Bless.
Author AnonyMOUSE18 Posted September 13, 2007 Author Posted September 13, 2007 You are all so right!!!! I felt totally weird on my date last night. I realized halfway through that all I really wanted was a friend to talk to. I can't take romance right now! Everything is still being processed inside me, and I feel very vulnerable. I also ended up talking too much about my H, and thats just silly to do on a date. I'm clearly not over him. Last night I had romantic dreams where he came back and said how sorry he was, and that he wanted to be with me after all. I've had many of that kind of dream. *sigh* I am still in love with my H. I'm angry too, and still hurt. I wish he'd get his sh** together and come home. He is still escaping from me, and appears to be enjoying playing house with this woman and her kid. Who knows if that is really going to work out. It seems unlikely. I know I need to stop thinking about it, but it drives me nuts that he is with someone else instead of trying to work on himself right now, like I am having to do. He is so weak! Ughh! You are all so completely right about me needing to focus on rebuilding and strengthening my foundation as a person. I need to set all boys aside to remember how to love myself and take care of myself. I went out with friends on Friday night, and had a GREAT time - much better than I did on this date. The date was fine, but it was distracting to be wondering if he thought I looked good, or whether he would try to kiss me or something. The idea of him kissing me was a bit appalling. Nothing to do with him - he was a nice guy. I just feel really asexual right now. I do want to be a caterpillar, and wrap myself in a cocoon of friendship and family love! Exactly what I want. Throw in a few cats to cuddle with, and I'm delighted. My new housemate is moving in this weekend, and I KNOW she will be a great addition to my life. She is really understanding and also fun. It will be awesome to have someone else in the apartment, ya know? Thanks so so so much for your help, all of you wonderful people! Mary, Melovator, Gunny, and Butterfly - THANK YOU!!! *giant hug* You always help set me back on the path of positive thinking and better perspective.
Gunny376 Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 LISTEN UP THERE YOU! YOU'D BEST GET YOUR HEAD AND AZZ TOGETHER QUICK, FAST AND A HURRY LIKE! LIKE YESTERDAY! GRAD SCHOOOL ISN'T FOR THE FAINT HEARTED NOR THE WEAK MINDED! YOU'VE GOT A SHORT TIME TO GET YOUR HEAD AND AZZ WIRED TOGETHER ~ AND THAT WAS YESTERDAY! THIS IS BAGDAD AND YOUR AZZ IS MINE! Its time to SNAP OUT of your cheap excuses! You THINK your fooling someone! Your NOT fooling anyone but YOURSELF! THIS ISN'T ANYTHING BUT REAL-WORLD 101! Its time to get real about your life! Come on Scraggle ~ SHOW ME WHAT YOU'VE GOT! SHOW ME WHAT YOU'RE MADE of! I want to see some piss and vinergar out of ya! Some blood in your eye! Some "spit" in your eye!
Gunny376 Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 I want you to get angry! I want you to get mad! I want you to get PO! Then? I want you to turn that internal energy into internal strength! External strength! Outher strength!
Cad Rake Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 YOU'D BEST GET YOUR HEAD AND AZZ TOGETHER QUICK, FAST AND A HURRY LIKE! Another fantastic post
Cad Rake Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 whoops, found the "ignore" button thanks to those who helped.
Missy27 Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 Gunny's right ~~ You gotta get EVERYTHING wired back together sharpish ~~ You've got it even harder than some because you're eegit of a H isn't even man enough to give you an explanation as to why he felt the need to bolt out of your life at 100mph. The affair ~ ? Maybe, but he's too scared ~~ Yes Scared ~~ of you. He hasn't got the go-nads to face you! You need to give YOURSELF closure on this one. Suck it up and get on with your life. I know it's easy for me as an onlooker to say that, but you've got a hell of a lot going for you ~~ IF you jump into the drivers seat, take the bull by the horns and MAKE your own destiny ~~ THINK about it ~~ YOU as a person can do ANYTHING that you want to do ~~ ANYTHING ~~ You've got an awesome life to be gettin on with so why not make a start at living it TODAY. Its a cliche, but its SO true ~ This is NOT a dress rehearsal ~~ This is YOUR life and you're a LONG time dead ~~ You've got a golden opportunity to make a start at gettin yourself to the top of your game ~~ grab it with both hands, a leg and foot !!! ~~ I've only met a few people who have managed it ~~ They've worked hard, worked out their strengths and weaknesses, their dreams and their life obstacles (or traps) and have overcome them and climbed RIGHT to the top of their game ~~ I've met even fewer who have been able to maintain this level of self knowledge ~ Its a life long project ~~ but DAMN its rewarding all the same ! ~~ You're gonna get good days, bad days, frustrating days, angry days, happy days, exciting days, ecstatic days, lonely days, funny days, crazy days ~~ I could go on but you get the jist of it ~~ Its life At the end of the day scrag, what comes around goes around and I'm a GREAT believer in Karma. Your H is already gettin a slap of reality because instead of being handed the golden opportunity to "work" on himself and gain the greatest, most useful tool you can ever be handed ~ he's just jumped straight from the frying pan into the fire. He's now got to play daddy to someone elses kid and thats ALL DAY HARD !! ~ Believe me ~ I know!! ~ He's got worse to come ~ This I can be certain of. You're a warrior scrag ~ Pick up they tools and start battle ~ (My warrior comes out in me EVERY day and she's not one to be messed with ~ she's strong but she's fair, she's loyal but she doesn't take any crap ~ She's the voice inside of me that guides me and helps me shape my own destiny) ~ You go find YOUR warrior ~
Gunny376 Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 Great Post ~ Missy ~ Everyone on this broad should print that out and put it on the fridge!
Melovator Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 You're a warrior scrag ~ Pick up they tools and start battle ~ (My warrior comes out in me EVERY day and she's not one to be messed with ~ she's strong but she's fair, she's loyal but she doesn't take any crap ~ She's the voice inside of me that guides me and helps me shape my own destiny) ~ You go find YOUR warrior ~ I love you Missy. :love: That post is going on the fridge. Scraggle she's right- the only you that's going to get you to the top of the mountain of your life is your internal warrior, your amazon, your Xena, your Buffy. The part that exists in every woman to FIGHT! Sorry blokes but when the going gets tough, the tough get going- and women get going- during The Depression the female suicide rate was at its lowest level ever, while men's were at their highest recorded level ever. Why? Because we fight for life. That's what you are doing now, fighting for your life- fighting to be the best you can be, fighting for the dignity that is yours, it is a fight- the easy thing to do is sit down in a corner and cry along with your inner 'poor bugger me' princess. Who wants to be a princess? They always need rescuing. Let your internal warrior shine- fight! Go! Win!
Gunny376 Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 I love you Missy. :love: That post is going on the fridge. Scraggle she's right- the only you that's going to get you to the top of the mountain of your life is your internal warrior, your amazon, your Xena, your Buffy. The part that exists in every woman to FIGHT! Sorry blokes but when the going gets tough, the tough get going- and women get going- during The Depression the female suicide rate was at its lowest level ever, while men's were at their highest recorded level ever. Why? Because we fight for life. That's what you are doing now, fighting for your life- fighting to be the best you can be, fighting for the dignity that is yours, it is a fight- the easy thing to do is sit down in a corner and cry along with your inner 'poor bugger me' princess. Who wants to be a princess? They always need rescuing. Let your internal warrior shine- fight! Go! Win! Get excited about your life! Live life to its top! Get motivated!! Get excitied! Get fired up about your Life! Life is too short~ you've got years upon years to be dead! To lie dead in the ground!
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