Recent Heartbreak: Will He Come Back?

[AnonyMOUSE18]

My husband of 4 years left me on August 5th, and I am very confused and upset. My main agony right now is not knowing whether he is going to come back. I'm not sure whether to let myself hope that he will come back, or whether to let him go and move forward.

 

Synopsis:

 

On August 5th, my H left me. I didn't see it coming at all - it was a tremendous shock. He had been cheating on me with someone else during the whole month of July, while he was finishing up his job in CA and I was in NY getting our new apartment ready. (We moved from CA to NY because I am starting a PhD program - he was excited about it. H arrived on August 1st, and by the 5th he even had a job offer already.) I'm so worried about him, aside from being insanely sad and often angry. I'm still not entirely sure why this happened. He says that he was unhappy for the whole 2 years we were in California, but he never told me. He seemed so happy. I had no idea anything was wrong.

 

Everyone tells me I have to move on, no matter what happens in the future. But I still love him. Its all very confusing. Right now he is saying that he will "never" come back to me, and that he "never" loved me. I don't know whether to take his word for it, or give him time and space to figure himself out. I honestly think he might have psychological issues, and I'm not just saying "he must be crazy for leaving me." He lied to this girl he was seeing during July - in a really egregious way. He lied to me, too, of course - and he spent insane amounts of money during that time, and just generally behaved in an irrational, irresponsible, and very not-himself way.

 

So, I'm a little f**ed right now. I'm scrambling to find housemates, because I can't afford the house I have .... Classes start soon, and I'm trying to get housemates before that happens...I also had to get a car, because my H took our car back to CA with him. Its so insane. My parents are really upset about it. I never thought this is what I would be doing right now.

 

Here is background for better understanding my story:

 

I met my husband in college, and we had a close and wonderful connection. He was always sweet, caring, and adorable - we were together for 2 wild and fun years in college, and then he came to live with me in NY, my home state, when I started law school. After my first year of law school, we decided to get married, and it was magical. We adored each other, and rarely argued. During law school, I became depressed, mainly because of legal culture being so stifling and I knew I didn't want to be a lawyer... but I got treatment...though our sex life suffered. After law school, we moved across the country to California, and had a very tough 2 years because I failed the bar exam twice, my jobs kept changing, our income was patchy, and we were far away from support systems like parents. I applied to a PhD program in NY, and everything was going to get better for us - he was excited about coming back to NY, and I was excited about doing what I really wanted to do....we were in the process of moving when everything went horribly wrong.

 

Our CA apartment lease was up at the end of June and the NY one didn't start until August 1st, so I decided to go home to NY and stay with my parents while my husband finished up his job in CA in July, while staying with his bosses. (His bosses are super nice and have extra rooms that students and staff use a lot)

 

I didn't know this at the time, but right after I left CA, my husband signed up for a cyber sex chat website, and on July 5th he met up with a woman he had been chatting with. He proceeded to sleep with her and start a relationship with her. He did not tell her he was married, and he never told me anything about his affair. He flew to NY on August 1st and acted somewhat distant, but I didn't notice anything too odd. Then, on August 5th, he dropped a bomb by telling me that he is leaving me, he does not love me, and that he is taking the car and driving back to CA to be with this other woman.

 

So, I am 27 and my husband is 28. We're both over-privileged and sheltered, fairly spoiled kids with fancy educations. We were kids together - we love to play nintendo, watch movies, eat ice cream, and generally let the world float away while we snuggle in our own little world.

 

This woman who he met on the cyber sex site (TOTALLY out of character for him to even be on that kind of website) is 38, never graduated from college, has a small child, wears heavy makeup, and is heavy set. He is now with her in CA, and I am so confused.

 

My friends say that he must love me, but that he must have had to cheat on me to "save himself." You see, I have a stronger personality than he does, and he often followed my lead. He also did a LOT around the house - more than he probably should have. But he said he loved doing it - he volunteered to do errands for me, and just generally be a supportive person to me through law school, etc. He always said he enjoyed helping me along, and I helped him too, in different ways - he had trouble identifying how he felt about things. I often helped him sort out his feelings, and figure out why he felt bad on a particular day, etc. We had a great symbiosis, because we have such different strengths. I was the wild dreamer, always chasing potential goals, and he was the one that kept me grounded, by being the steady, reliable, more practical person.

 

He seems to have built up a lot of resentment toward me, because our relationship was not balanced in terms of who did what chores, etc. I feel terrible about this. I wish I had known that he was uncomfortable with it. He never told me. Only now is he saying ANYTHING negative about us and our relationship, and he seems to have gone "off the deep end" and decided that our marriage is not salvageable. But we didn't try! I want to try!

 

What on earth should I do? Wait it out for a few months, and see if he comes to his senses? He left all of our stuff with me. He only took a suitcase of some clothes and the car with him to CA. He hasn't used the word, "divorce" hardly at all. He does, however, insist that he is "never coming back." What should I make of this?!?

 

I'm very hurt that he lied and cheated, of course, but it sounds like he was immensely frustrated with me and bottled it up to the point of explosion. He is not normally the type that cheats. Despite the cheating, I could take him back - I would right this second, if he walked back in the room and said he wanted to try to work on things. I want him to be happy, but I also want our marriage to work out. I do not want a divorce.

 

What should I do?????

[Reckless]

I would not give up the ghost quite yet - to answer your question, I think there is a very good chance he will come back but not for a while and of course by the time this is a possibility you might not WANT him back.

 

The affair certainly does not sound like anything permanent and when ends there'll be time to assess the damage and indeed your husbands mental and emotionl state. First, although you are understandably reeling, sort out the legalities, he's left you in a financial hole and you're a lawyer, make sure you don't suffer too much financially... sort out what part of the financial burden he will bear, emotional crisis or not he can't just go swanning out to have a fling and leave you in a financial panic.

 

As for the marriage, it seems he's just caved under the pressure; from what you say he hasn't been as assertive as he needed to be and smiled and swallowed when he should have spoken up about the affect the stresses where REALLY having on him. You both were not paying attention (life got in the way) and things caved. If you get another go it will be for both of you to see what went wrong where and how in future you can in future face problems without them permanently trashing your marriage.

 

Of course your husband could just be a selfish b@stard that'll bring you a disease (get yourself checked out) and you could be better of without him but its only been two weeks... time will tell. Also you may not have the desire or the resources to forgive him for what he's done (chances are he's been having the affair for MUCH longer than a month... sorry to be the bearer of bad tiding... );

 

Bottom line is there's not much you CAN do he's off with the other woman claims (although I don't believe if for a minute) he never loved you and wants out. All you can do is work through the grieving process and see if things change in future.

 

It is quite frankly too early for you to really tell if you can forgive him and too early to wash your hands of your marriage (unless the adultery is the deal breaker which it would be for me... but everyone's different).

 

As for understanding his mindset, it seems to me pretty clear he's in escapist mode but when he's shacked up with this woman and her kid and the tv's blaring and the kids are screaming and the fabulous cybersex has dried up he'll soon wake up.

 

Its for you to decide what you want or don't want when this happens.

[AnonyMOUSE18]

Thanks so much for your response, Reckless! It helps so much to hear an objective person's perspective on things. I agree with everything you've said - and its such a relief to hear what you're saying.

 

Thanks so so much. *hugs*

[Gunny376]

First off, your intellectually mis-matched! (Among other things)

 

You've got personal issues that you need to work through, and that's not me saying you're a basket case ~ crazy~ nuts, etc! That's me saying that we all got issues and things from our Mothers, Fathers, family, backgrounds, history that sooner or later we've got to confront.

 

What you need to be working on right now ~ is YOU! We're all works in progress! We're not here to discover oursleves ~ we're here to create ourselves!

 

This relationship that you have with the X isn't the sum total of who and what you are! A part of you? Yes! But its what you had to go through to become who you are yet to become!

 

Why is he with the fat broad from CA that never went to college with a kid by another man? Because she adores and looks up to him! Its simple "one-up-manship" With her? He doesn't have to compete with her!

 

I witnessed the same thing when I went to Hurricane Andrew relief. Homestead is the 'getto" of Maimi! To protect the tourist trade, they located the "projects" thirty or forty miles south! When "Andrew" hit, it flattened Homestead FL. When my Marines and I hit town, the local girls went wild!

 

"You don't drugs? You"re fit and buff ~ you work out!" You've got a steady job? You don't belong to a gang! Where have you been all my life!"

 

Dump this clown!

 

Second! He's totally disrespected you your marriage!

[AnonyMOUSE18]

So, Gunny, you're saying that we are intellectually mismatched because I've grown into a higher intellectual plane than him, or because we are equals? I couldn't quite tell, from your post.

 

I always thought of him and I as intellectual equals, but I have the stronger personality and stronger sense of self, which sometimes means I can be more persuasive. But if you're pointing out that I've done more intellectually stimulating things in the years following our marriage, that would be true - I went to law school, and he worked as a lab technician. He did learn a lot, though - and was able to take classes at Cornell while I was in law school there....I'm guess I am not totally comfortable saying that I am intellectually "superior" to him. My instinct tells me that we are intellectually equal - yes, I've done more graduate-level work, but he is just as smart as I am. He has always been less sure of what he wants to do, in terms of graduate work and stuff like that.

 

Are you saying that men want to feel more accomplished than their spouses? Thats a scary thought. I would hope that men and women would both be happiest when they have a partner who is on their "level," in terms of intelligence and/or education-ish things.

 

I do think you're right, that right now he is enjoying how much she worships him. She really does - she thinks its so cool that he looks so young, and he is so smart and charming, etc. She worships him enough to take him back after he lied to her for a whole month by not telling her that he was married, and making up a whole network of lies surrounding that big lie. They only knew each other for 3 weeks, and she becomes so obsessed with him that she is willing to take him back, and let him live with her when he has no job. In her livejournal, she is now referring to him as her son's "Step-Daddy." Its really quite surreal, to me.

 

The other weird thing about her is that she has some traits that ARE strikingly like me - her name is the same as my middle name, she is spiritually the same as me (likes faeries and paganism and stuff like that), and she loves the same music artists (Tori Amos). Its a little weird.

 

I know I need to cultivate my independence, work on my own issues, and be good to myself - but its becoming more and more clear to me that I do want him back. I think he made a mistake. I want to fix things. We had an awesome relationship, and we both took it for granted and got lazy about expressing our emotions and enjoying the love we had. I want to somehow move forward AND not abandon hope. Is that possible?

 

Like Reckless said, only time will tell whether he will realize he made a mistake, or whether he will just be an @sshole and frolic away forever.

 

Thanks for your input, Gunny!

[Melovator]

During law school, I became depressed, mainly because of legal culture being so stifling and I knew I didn't want to be a lawyer...

 

It could be me writing that...

 

Let me take a wild guess- you're a woman with high standards for yourself? Get anxious when you feel you're not living up to them, which in turn leads to depression? And goddammit but the thought of actually quitting something you started doing is harder to face than the thought of dragging your ass through something you don't want to finish? (If I'm wrong just tell me!)

 

Right now whether you want it to be over or not he has decided it is. You didn't quit he did. Right now you cannot fix your relationship with him, you can only fix your relationship with yourself. Looking at the OW's journal is a good way to f**k with your own head and wind up depressed again- and do you think he's really going to want to come back to depresso woman?

 

Why should you give a fat rat's right testicle about a woman who is clearly an inferior version of yourself? If he's not man enough for the superior product then bugger him! Concentrate on being the best you that you can be for yourself, then if he ever does pull his head out of his ar$e you can decide from a position of personal strength what you want to do, not from a position of personal weakness.

[Gunny376]

Are you saying that men want to feel more accomplished than their spouses?

 

Even Ms. Scarlett knows? ("Gone With The Wind")Don't out-smart your man, even ifyou are smarter than him. Its a cultural-societial variable in the equation.

 

I actually thought at one time in my youth that everyone could and wanted to be a Marine? Truth is? Vey few enlist into the military, of those that do? Even fewer enlist into the Marines. Of those that do, only about 2/3's make it through boot camp. Of those that do? Less than half make it pass thier first year of date of enlistment. Of those? Even fewer complete their initial four year enlistment? Even fewer re-enlist, and so it goes. Only 1/2 of a man makes it to twenty.

 

About the same stats for grad school, or law school, etc. The higher you climb, the more struggle, the more problems, the more highs, the lower lows, the more challenges, the more ~ everything. To include depression etc ~ per Mel's post.

 

People that really get close to me, that "know" me describe me as "complexed"

 

I think what you should be concentrating on is learing about yourself? The HARDERST thing I've had to learn was how to be single and alone, after having been in two LTR! When you've overcomed that challenge, when your comfortable living by and with yourself ~ then you'll be ready for a relationship. I was fine for 22 years before I've got married ~ and now? I'm just fine 17 years after I got divorced.

 

I don't want to love someone just because I need them, I want to need someone because I love them!

 

Careful! You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure and reconcile that one ~ its like the one about why do hotdogs come in packages of ten and hotdog buns come in packages of eight? Its because life isn't always the way you plan ~ so be happy with what you've got and you can always have yourself a hotdog! Personal Happiness is a choice! Not just something that happens to you! Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be!

[AnonyMOUSE18]

Why should you give a fat rat's right testicle about a woman who is clearly an inferior version of yourself? If he's not man enough for the superior product then bugger him! Concentrate on being the best you that you can be for yourself, then if he ever does pull his head out of his ar$e you can decide from a position of personal strength what you want to do, not from a position of personal weakness.

 

I agree wholeheartedly with this. I need to climb out of this hole and gain personal strength, independent of him and his messed up behavior.

 

Its just really hard to do, and I've been floundering for the past few days. Any advice on how to move toward the direction of healing, independence, and personal strength? My classes start Sept 5th, and I have a new housemate moving in soon afterward. I know that classes and having someone else in my gapingly huge apartment will help, but I'm also a little worried about all of the uncertainty and pain haunting my new life.

 

Its all just so unexpected, to have him foist all of this pain and confusion on me - everything we own reminds me of him, and of us. My daily activities, my food choices, the funny language for things that I use we developed together - my thoughts continuously get thrown back to him and our relationship, and why he has so suddenly vanished. I still wake up and have to remember everything that has happened, all over again. Until a few weeks ago, to my knowledge, I was happily married. Now, my husband is gone, and its extremely jarring - it is as if everything I know about the world is wrong.

[AnonyMOUSE18]

I'm having a really hard time with this.

 

How could this happen to me? I am at such a loss.

 

How could he say that he doesn't love me?

[Melovator]

This IS hard and it will stay hard for a while yet.

 

But you are breathing, if you have nothing else you have life and your brain. You are an educated woman living in a first world country and one of the world's great cities- there is nothing that you cannot do if you put your mind to it and this includes getting through this cr*p right now.

 

It's like Pantene: It won't happen overnight but it will happen- if you believe it will happen and do things for yourself to make it happen.

 

Just breathe- in through the nose and out through the mouth, slow and deep, it does make you feel better I promise.

 

You will get through this and you will be a stronger, better woman for it- I know that's near impossible to believe right now but every second that passes gets you closer.

[Mary3]

I believe the * un~balance * of chores was an excuse for his exit OUT !!

 

Sure maybe it bothered him that he did more around the house but he used that as a tool to buy some internet sex membership and bitterly complain to a women whom he later fell in love with...( if its love or sex )

 

But damaged goods have a way of biting us back in the arse. Think about this : That poor woman has a man who lied to his wife, created a web profile for sex, had sex with her behind your back claiming to be single and NOW they are together. What kind of TRUST must she have for this human piece of trash ?

[ilmw]

Hi Scraggle... not been on LS for a few weeks.. and just read your post...

 

I really cant add more to what has already been said..

 

It is true... this hurts right now....and it will for a long while... You need to get busy with yourself... to help occupy your mind... until you get used to this new portion on your life.

 

I was where you were almost a year and a half ago.... not exactly the same situation... but life did come crumbling down around me.... I could not believe.... there would be (the other side)...I could not fathom... what others on LS were telling me...... well I am not there yet... but I can see it... just over the rise....

 

It will get better... just worry about you... get you sorted out... and things will get back on track...

 

and it is true... time is on your side.... it does heal... and does mend... remember that ok...

 

Take care

ilmw

[AnonyMOUSE18]

Thanks for the advice and encouragement, ilmw, Mary3, and Melovator.

 

Do you think its okay that I'm immersing myself in Harry Potter for a distraction? I'm rereading all the books, and rewatching all the movies. I'm also doing a lot of thinking, talking on the phone with friends, and discussing everything with my parents. (I'm at my parents' house right now, and it feels good to be loved here, and well fed) Harry Potter is a relief because it is something that I don't associate with my H because he was never interested in Harry Potter....so its something I have always enjoyed by myself.

 

Tomorrow night I will return to my apartment and get ready for a registration meeting on Thursday with my professors and the other new graduate students. Right now, it just feels good to be home and let Harry Potter and my parents comfort me....

 

Has anyone else experienced a lot of weight loss from these crisis circumstances? I've lost about 30 pounds, partially because I was very active in July, and partially because my interest in food has gone kaput since this trauma began on August 5th. I've been taking multi-vitamins and eating vegetables, fruits, and meats as much as I can stomach, but I just can't eat very much before feeling queasy.... and the food seems to go right through me. Anyone else experience tummy and digestive issues after wife/husband left?

[Mary3]

You have lost 30 pounds since July August ?? Thats an alarming loss .

 

I myself tend to lose my appetite and drop weight but I try to track it on the scale daily to know if I should increase my calories. I tend to not want to eat for too many reasons and YES a breakup hurts and appetite drops to zero.

 

But hey ! You are doing GREAT things with your family and Harry Potter. You are getting the love and care you need

 

Please , if you see you are not gaining any weight then go see a doctor. ...or losing even more ( either way ) could be a health problem .

 

Great healing to you !

[Melovator]

Do you think its okay that I'm immersing myself in Harry Potter for a distraction? I'm rereading all the books, and rewatching all the movies.

 

I rewatched all of Buffy on DVD and reread all my Anne McCaffrey novels.

So yeah its okay as long as you finish your marathon when the learning starts up again!

 

Has anyone else experienced a lot of weight loss from these crisis circumstances? I've lost about 30 pounds, partially because I was very active in July, and partially because my interest in food has gone kaput since this trauma began on August 5th. I've been taking multi-vitamins and eating vegetables, fruits, and meats as much as I can stomach, but I just can't eat very much before feeling queasy.... and the food seems to go right through me. Anyone else experience tummy and digestive issues after wife/husband left?

 

Okay in total I've lost about 15 kilos or 33 pounds according to the converter I found but I've lost that since April. And yes I felt queasy eating for a while, but I found that a few of the remedies I'd used for morning sickness helped- peppermint tea is great for settling the stomach, or just normal tea is good too- no coffee though. Try having small frequent meals and stick to foods that don't make you feel bleargh so you can eat more. Yoga is good too for the relaxing which then stimulates your appetite. But I'd strongly suggest you see your doctor- that much weight in less than a month?

 

Here's something a friend told me when I first started on this: It's harder for women who think. Don't think too much and make it harder on yourself.

[Lucian]

Scraggle,

 

I lost 45 lbs in 6 weeks, last two weeks of April until mid May I did not eat anything, I just could not...I was amazed how come I was not hungry...until I started fainting then I forced myself to eat small portions.

 

Its good that you found something to be preoccupied. You will see when school starts you will be better - just keep your mind busy with other stuff.

 

I found that working like a maniac helped me a lot and I am much better now then in April when she left me (walkaway wife syndrome).

 

I guess for me loosing weight was a good thing (W leaving me, was even better - I am starting to realize this now).

[AnonyMOUSE18]

Thanks for the replies, Lucian, Melovator, and Mary3!

 

I have been better lately, mainly because things are starting to get busy with registering for classes, buying books, meeting the other graduate students, etc.

 

I still really miss having someone I know well around to watch movies with and cook dinner with. I am excited for my new housemate to move in, so I have someone to be around at home! Did any of you get housemates after your separations?

 

Also, isn't it insane that my H is so far away? Its not just like he's across town - I'm in NY and he is in CA. Its very strange. He has cut off all contact with me, and its so weird to be super bonded to someone and then have them drop off the face of the earth. Its almost like he died. Has anyone else ever felt that way?

 

What do you all think about dating / hooking up / rebound relationships? I mean, obviously my husband leaped right in and took the easy way out...I feel so weird thinking about dating someone else. At the same time, I also positively FANTASIZE about some new crunchy, intelligent, curly-haired, sweet guy that I could fall in love with and get married to and have kids with.

 

I feel like used goods, though - which is so absurd. I feel like I have so much baggage. I want to start fresh somehow, and be able to offer a happy, unburdened heart to the next person I get close to, ya know? I've already been thinking about someday getting married to someone else, and how I'd want it outside, with wildflowers, and how the next person I date might let me get more cats, and might appreciate literature in ways that my H never did....etc.

 

But the idea of actually kissing someone who I don't know is terrifying! I'm like, sh*t, I suddenly have to worry about all those things like making sure I have good breath, shaved legs, polished toenails, washed and shiny hair, etc. I know thats silly to think about, but I do. After being married and content for four years, I stopped strutting and preening and trying to impress people with my physical presence. I became much more platonic toward the whole world. Now, I have to reawaken that sexpot side of myself. I know its not a bad thing, its just a WEIRD thing. I haven't kissed anyone but my H in 8 years. I'm only 27, so thats like...80% of my adult life! (assuming I became an "adult" around age 17.)

 

My friends keep reminding me that I can just be happily single for as long as I want to, and its probably more healthy. It just pisses me off that my H is off with a bimbo to distract him, and I'm alone and facing everything without any rebound crutch. I know it means I'm stronger, etc, but its still ANNOYING! It makes me feel like he is a good catch, in high demand, and I'm some rotten tossed-aside piece of undesirable flesh.

 

I haven't checked my weight since the last time I posted, but my eating has gotten a little better. A friend of mine wrote me and suggested white rice, which has been something that I can get down and digest without horrible tummy pains. Tea was also a good suggestion, Melovator - its very calming to drink tea.

 

Well, its 5:30 am, so I better get ready for bed. My sleeping has been crazy, but I often have crazy sleep schedules, even when I'm not going through something rough...so thats nothing new.

 

Goodnight, all!

[Lucian]

Scraggle,

 

Your H did not leap right away, he has been thinking about it for a while. He saw this as "an exit opportunity" all cheaters think the same, "not happy in current relationship, oh well, I will just look somewhere else for happiness".

 

Beware, everybody has their own interpretation of happiness.

 

He is not worth it for you, you know you are a better person and you deserve better.

 

For know just concentrate on your studies, grad studies can be taxing and you are offered an opportunity to study without any interference or demands from a 3rd party.

 

Go to movies alone, so what, - do it for you - does it make YOU feel good then do it. Now its all about you girl.

 

I know its hard but just give yourself time and consider yourself luck that he is so far away. No contact separation is the best thing to heal yourself and realize that you are better by yourself - you are free.

 

mmmm coffee... and chocolate cup cakes...but I live so far 1000 miles.

[tinke]

damn gunny..you've done it again!

 

why is the "lesser" woman in CA the winner?? yes, because she most likely adores/flatters/showers him with attention! well ok, i wouldn't say she is winning a prize.

 

i too, had become surrounded with real life issues, people were dependent upon me...i was very stressed, and honestly..i needed my ex to bear some of the burden..simply to care. the last thing on my mind at the time was to "take care of him", i simply couldn't. a mature person could empatize, he could not. he wasn't getting his fair amount of attention and fled......... i couldn't have possibly fit all his needs in my schedule, i needed a partner, someone understanding. i now realize just how selfish and egocentric he is.

 

i do agree with gunny that cheaters trade down...lesser people are less work, no competition, they think you're brillliant, no fuss. i can't help but wonder what these people feel after the gloss has worn off. sometimes those with higher ambitions, a drive, just cannot fit in the june cleaver role, too. i would think a man would be proud of the independence, not intimidated by it. but, not always so.

 

leave him to sit in his own mess. (see what happens). i do agree that in time when you have had time to think..you may not want HIM back! that hurt does not go away without leaving scars.

take care of you, if you don't, who will? you have to be your own best friend now.

[AnonyMOUSE18]

Thank you, Lucian and tinkle! I really appreciate your posts - its true, that I need to let my H settle into the mess he has made for himself. Let him rot with that woman! Its easier for him right now to be in CA with the bimbo woman, and if he does find some kind of easier form of "happiness" with her, then they deserve each other. I know I can find someone who won't treat me like this, and who respects me enough to speak up about what they are feeling instead of sneaking around and then running away.

 

And its true, that I need to be my own best friend and realize my own true value. My cats have been helpful - they love me, and it always feels good to know that they love me. Hehe. My parents and friends have helped too - its so soothing to realize that without my H's love, I still have TONS of love from friends and family that would never betray me or treat me like sh*t, like my H did. He is one messed up guy!

 

Thanks again, all!

[tinke]

hang in there, keep posting...it's great relief.

[Gunny376]

Here's something a friend told me when I first started on this: It's harder for women who think. Don't think too much and make it harder on yourself.

 

OK Gang! Lets all pause a moment here and think?

 

Of those of us that post regularly here, ilmw, sumdude, Mel, MamaMax Crying Canuk, (sometimes these days) Desperaste Dad, Lady Jane, Mz. Pixie, dggirl, a4a, Crudgemon, Lakesidedreams, and many, many othe (too many to list) what some of the common denominators?

 

Intellegenece, education (both formal and in-formal, reading books other than pulp fiction. Self improvement! Self actualization! Self improvement!

 

Most of us work or have worked demanding jobs (btw the way if your azz think staying home and taking care of three children ~ try it for just one freakng day! Trust me ~ there's a lot of folk that can't tote the note!)

 

I've been here at LS for little over a year ~ and most of the people that post here are extrodinary people that do extrodinary day to day.

 

Most of the people that post here? Aren't what you would call "common"

 

I know many of you read this, and think "Gunny's slipping" But I use to think in my youth that everyone wanted to and could be a Marine? College ~ just a thing you do!

 

Enlist into the United States Marine Corps? Nothing to it!

 

Become a cop? Nothing to it!

 

Be a SAHM to three children under the age of five? Nothing to it!

 

Go to Grad school, med schoool, law school? Nothing to it.

 

Be a working single mom in the corporate world? Piece of cake!

 

And I could go on all night with each and everyone of you. Sit here for days telling each and everyone of you what awesome persons you are.

 

You guys need to dump the "stress pack" and put on the "life pack" as in your life! You guys need to get excited about your life! You guys need to forget about these losers that left you for someone else!

 

They're all left because they couldn't tote the note!

 

They're not freaking worthy of you! They left, because they couldn't "hack it" Just that freaking plain and just that freaking simple.

 

Whatever they've got to offer you? You can find just as

goodif not better down the road with someone else you'll will be in awe of the simplest things about you. Who will be all: "Where have you been all my life!"

 

Scraggle18?

 

I'm glad to see your azz if finally starting to get with the "program!" Had my doubts about for a second or two!

 

Girl? With you pic, your edcuation, your "smarts". your attitude, persepctive ~you've got a lot to offer the right man ~ your azz ain't going to be on the market very long! Quallity merchandise is hard to come by and fetches a premiumn price! So do "top-shelf" women! You just damn sure and certain you don't "discount" yourself.

 

Its NOT about what some man's got to offer YOU! Its about what some man has to offer YOU!

 

Me? Well, I've got this much figured out ~ it ain't about sex!

 

Me? I don't need a woman to cook, clean, wash my clothes etc ~ I learned all that crap from GM and in the Marines. I know how to clean a toliet and scrub the baseboards! I cook (and bake) better than most women ~ and I'm talking from scratch recipes. I know that 3 teaspoons = a tablespoon, etc!

 

The recipie to a succesful relationship and long marriage? Here it is!

 

Acquaintences to friends! (Talk, talk, talk)

 

Friends to best friends! (Talk, talk, talk + laugh at each other) Best friends to best of friends (talk, talk, talk laugh at each other and laugh with each other ~

 

Then to exclusive best friends! (Talk. talk, talk, laugh at each other, you be yourself, accept me for who I am, I accept you craziness, you accept mine

 

Then best lovers! (still NO sex!)

 

The goal?

 

You're my best friend! You know me! You understand me!

 

The goal?

 

You're my best friend that loves and understands ME!

[Melovator]

You guys need to dump the "stress pack" and put on the "life pack" as in your life!

 

That's kind of what I was trying to say... any further reply I think I'll have to do on my own thread so I don't steal Scraggle's. I've spent 20 minutes trying to get something short... but its not going to happen. But you're exactly right Gunny and hardly slipping. Yes life can be all day hard, but there's also nothing to it. It's just the doing that's hard, the excitement comes when you start the doing and when you're excited then the doing becomes nothing... if that makes any bloody sense at all...

 

I have to add that all this writing of cupcakes is making me all Homer Simpsoneaque.... mmm cupcakes...

[AnonyMOUSE18]

*blushes* Gunny, thanks for the awesome post. It is important to recognize all the positive attributes we have! We are special folks, and the ordeals we're going through will make us stronger people - and better able to know what we really want, in our next relationships! We deserve to be trusted, respected, and treated well, and to be able to truly enjoy reciprocating that good treatment.

 

I love Gunny's description of a lasting, loving relationship - its awesome. Sadly, it is what I *thought* I had with my H. But people can change, and apparently my H is someone who is comfortable lying, cheating, and abusing me, so he is not at all the partner I thought he was. He is going to have to come a long, long way if he ever wants to reconcile with me, and right now we are in NC mode, so I need to set him aside and live my life for ME.

 

Melovator - I understand what you're saying! And don't worry about long posts - you can steal my thread anytime you like!

 

So, I made a free profile at the "match" website, and have been enjoying getting winked at by people. I'm not sure if I'll follow up on any of the "winks," but its a little baby step that makes me feel good right now.

 

Thanks again, all!

 

*passes around chocolate cupcakes with dark chocolate frosting that is made with 70% cacao*

 

Mmmm......

[mammax3]

Mmm.. these are great, Scraggle! Thanks for sharing.

 

It's a hard hill to climb, being left. But it's amazing to have a cyber-support system like this to confide to, and let it all out in a way that some of us can't with our family and friends.

 

I liked Gunny's post too. It's exciting to think that a rel;ationship is out there somewhere like that for each of us, if we can only grab on!