sonali Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 We have been married for 22 years now.We had been very close to each other till then.He was a very caring man. A couple of months back I found out that my husband has had sex with a common friend 5-6 times. My husband says he is very sorry for what has happened , but could I trust him again? we met this common friend 5 years back and the two of them could not do without each other in the sense that they used to share their hobbies together, be constantly on the phone with each other. We have fought violently over this . We cannot stop meeting this woman because we are in the same social circle. What do I do? Please advice.
Author sonali Posted August 24, 2007 Author Posted August 24, 2007 Please click one of the Quick Reply icons in the posts above to activate Quick Reply.
harleygirl92156 Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 First you have to decide if you want to stay in the relationship. If you do, you have a very long hard road ahead of you. I would strongly suggest marriage counseling. How I handled the other woman who works with my husband everyday. I went to her, told her I knew about the relationship she had with my husband and told her if she didn't want her husband, boss, parents and friends to know about it as well, she best make her self scarce around him and that I felt "hello" or "good morning" was too much. That was over a year ago and to this day she won't even look at my husband let alone talk to him. I attend social functions and she is often there, but of no consequence to me. I did nothing wrong and hold my head high with dignity. The thing I found interesting is that when the relationship was discovered, she decleared she couldn't stand my husband, gave me a long list of his character flaws and hubby had nothing good to say about her either. What a smoke screen. Ok, some will say, how do I know they don't talk at work or they aren't still seeing each other. Well it isn't about trust, believe me. I just happen to have a lot of friends that work the same place as my husband. Trust is something earned, not given. It is the betrayers obligation to earn the trust back. Also realize you will NEVER trust your hubby 100% ever again....shoot for 95% trust. Don't give yourself unrealistic expectations.
Trialbyfire Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 No one can give you a solution for learning to trust your wayward spouse again. This is something you will have to work hard on, in order to change your perception of him. He will need to provide you with full disclosure and anything else you emotionally or intellectually need, in order to reinstate your trust and respect. This includes ceasing to have any communication with the other woman ("OW"). Technically, the OW is your spouse's problem but if you want her out of your life, you and your spouse will need to work together to make this happen. The high road would be ignore her and hope she goes away. The other road is to take proactive measures by ensuring that your social circle is aware of the affair. Of course this means that your spouse will take heat too, which in my opinion, he well deserves but many people feel the need to protect and cozen the spouse, so this would be your choice. If handled well, the OW will be made to feel very, very, unwelcome, if not completely shunned.
LakesideDream Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Your problem isn't a new one. My marriage of 25 years ended with infidelity. When a couple is married for a long time, 22 years in your case, there are so many things that enter into the equasion. Homes, property, lifestyle, family, friends, and most importantly children. It's tough to make a decision that will affect all or most of them overnight. In my case, there was no question of what to do. The infidelity was to blatent and long term. The marriage was over the day it came to light, technically it was over in two months. While I am a "take every day as it comes" forgiving type man, I could not reconcile my now-ex wife being penetrated both physically, emotionally, and romanticly by another man. Clearly it took a toll on me. My family dissolved, (other than two adult kids) as most members on my side had already passed away. No more holidays, or vacation visits, no more contact with her side of the family. I have no idea what they thought either as I had no contact with them. I had no wish to spoil the relationship between my kids and their surviving grandparents. Then there was the "going from a family unit" to being completely alone, not counting my cat. Was it worth it? No, I wish none of it had ever happened... but it did. Did I survive? Sure, and have prospered financially. Emotionally not so much although there are no more "downs". Would I react the same way again? Yes. My marriage dissolved because I knew that I could never trust the woman again, could never see her the same way.. could never love unconditionally again. Starting over was preferable to the unhappiness and humiliation. You will have to decide what the best course is for you. I doubt you will ever "trust" again the way you did in the past, or "love again" the same way either. The choice to stay or go is yours, the cost of coming OR going is high, good luck to you.
bish Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 We have been married for 22 years now.We had been very close to each other till then.He was a very caring man. A couple of months back I found out that my husband has had sex with a common friend 5-6 times. My husband says he is very sorry for what has happened He is only sorry because he got caught but could I trust him again? You can't...never 100% again anyway. You will always be suspicious of him if not angry by just looking at him sometimes. we met this common friend 5 years back and the two of them could not do without each other in the sense that they used to share their hobbies together, be constantly on the phone with each other. This mutual "friend" needs to be kicked to the curb. She is to have no contact with either of you. We have fought violently over this . We cannot stop meeting this woman because we are in the same social circle. What do I do? Please advice. You don't go to places where she is going to be. Your husband screwed that up and needs to realize that you cannot be in the same place as this "woman". And as far as your husband is concerned, he needs to be kissing your feet that you are not leaving him. You wear the pants now...make sure he knows that.
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