popey Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 A very close friend talked with me tonight about her doubts about her bf (they live together and have openly discussed intentions to get married in the future.) She has always said she loves him, and still does, but now finds herself questioning the relationship b/c of her interest in another man. the other man is not available, and she knows that in reality- he has flaws (for her) even if available that would not work for her. Still - the connection, conversation and interest he incites in her makes her question her relationship. I have advised her briefly that IMO any individual will lack something for her that another would fulfill better. Still, I have ALWAYS thought that this man (not at all a bad man that I know of) was not right for her. Just not in the same philisophical, intellectual and social spheres as I thought she most thrived and enjoyed (before him.) Is it right, or close minded to advise her of this? I think the guy is boring, provinicial, and a proud asserter of pseudo intellectualism of transparent o to embarrisingly flawed logic. I really think he's not right for her. But I don't want to make the mistake of influencing her (about a guy, I have no reason to suspect is "bad" in anyway) based on what I think about her, him, people, what's smart or right, etc. thoughts?
birdie Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 let her work it out herself. yes it is quite narrow minded - and to some degree shallow - to dismiss somebody because - in your opinion - he is not as sophisticated and intellectual as others in your circle. there are always smarter people around who can easily think the same about you.
wreckedhorse Posted August 29, 2007 Posted August 29, 2007 your friend needs to figure out what is lacking from her current relationship that is motivating her to seek others, especially someone who isn't available. it's good that you tell her that everyone's going to have flaws. remind her of sense, but yes, do keep your opinions about the other dude out of the conversations if it looks like she's looking to you for an answer to her problems. i think the bigger issue here is not whether this guy may be exactly the right fit for her, but the way she is acting in the situation. she has to stop thinking about this other guy/the potential with him and address those needs that are not being met- and then she needs to talk about that with her guy, out of responsibility/respect. and if she can't do that and instead looks beyond her situation for the next best thing, then in my opinion she's not ready for a real committed relationship with anyone, whatever their qualities or flaws may be. that would be her flaw. help her focus on herself and how she is handling the situation, not necessarily whether this person or that person may be right for her or not, and she'll come to a decision on her own.
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