sadbuttrue Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 a friend of mine mentioned this quote to me tonight, and it really made me think "what am i doing?" "dont make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option" i just thought this sounded so familiar to a lot of the stories here, including my own.
GreenEyedLady Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 a friend of mine mentioned this quote to me tonight, and it really made me think "what am i doing?" "dont make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option" i just thought this sounded so familiar to a lot of the stories here, including my own. Make yourself more than option...You should never feel like that in a loving R... (((HUGS)))
Author sadbuttrue Posted August 24, 2007 Author Posted August 24, 2007 i know gel, i do want to be more than an option. i do feel loved, but i dont feel like the priority that i make him in my life. thanks for the hugs
Meaplus3 Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 i know gel, i do want to be more than an option. i do feel loved, but i dont feel like the priority that i make him in my life. thanks for the hugs Sadbutrue, Do you know how many times I wished I had your username?Sadbutrue is what has gone on for me. Your Quote is GREAT! Thank's for sharing it! I have left this site do to so many hurtful post's. Good luck to you, YOU are strong, I can sense that! AP:)
Author sadbuttrue Posted August 24, 2007 Author Posted August 24, 2007 yes the name seems to fit thanks ap for the encouragement.
whichwayisup Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 SBT, you have some choices. Accept you're the OW in his life and enjoy the time you spend with him...It is what it is. Nothing more, nothing less. No expectations... You know he isn't giving you what you really want - A true, open and loving relationship that includes you in every part of his life - Think about ending it, otherwise you'll be in this affair as it is for many many years to come...YOU lose out. No kids to share with him, no house together, no growing old together... Imagine if he were in an accident and was in the hospital. You wouldn't be allowed anywhere near the room, his wife and kids certainly wouldn't allow you access to him... Sorry to sound harsh..I know you love him, but it makes ME sad for you that you give sooo much and really get SFA back from him. He knows you're not going anywhere so there's no real reason for him to change a thing.
Lizzie60 Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 a friend of mine mentioned this quote to me tonight, and it really made me think "what am i doing?" "dont make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option" i just thought this sounded so familiar to a lot of the stories here, including my own. I would go even further and say: 'Don't EVER make someone a priority'...period. YOU are the most important person in YOUR life. Other than my children.. no one else is more important to me than me.
Author sadbuttrue Posted August 24, 2007 Author Posted August 24, 2007 wwiu, i am at a point now that i dont like accepting the status of OW so to speak. i do want a REAL relationship. i have just not been able to disengage myself from him as of yet. i dont know how long that will take me. and i have thought of the accident scenario, we have actually discussed it. i told him i would be there for him and it would not turn out well because his W does know who i am and would not want me there. and he probably doesnt think that i will leave him, although he does say that i could find someone to give me all that i want all the time, because he knows i love him and he says that he loves me. to him we are in a relationship. and he has always been adamant about not leaving his family, so i really have no argument there.
whichwayisup Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 wwiu, i am at a point now that i dont like accepting the status of OW so to speak. i do want a REAL relationship. i have just not been able to disengage myself from him as of yet. i dont know how long that will take me. As long as you're getting closer to your ENOUGH line, so keep that train of thought going...That and slowly detaching yourself from him. Make him LESS important in your life. Focus on you, less on him...Don't include him in everything - Meaning, you telling him all about your day, connecting with him...Detaching has to happen for you to close your heart from him. and i have thought of the accident scenario, we have actually discussed it. i told him i would be there for him and it would not turn out well because his W does know who i am and would not want me there. Unfortunately for you, god forbid that happens, it would be best for him, for his wife, if you didn't go to the hospital. Even if you tried, she could have you banned from going into his room by saying ONLY immediate family. It happens all the time. and he probably doesnt think that i will leave him, although he does say that i could find someone to give me all that i want all the time, because he knows i love him and he says that he loves me. to him we are in a relationship. and he has always been adamant about not leaving his family, so i really have no argument there. See, you may look at that as "he loves me, wants to hang onto me" he actually MAY love you SBT, but not enough to DO anything about it. He loves his wife more, he loves his life as it is MORE. Again, I say this in many threads, but why should he give up ONE woman, when he has TWO fulfilling ALL his needs!! Geez, he has it made in the shade! Ofcourse he will tell you "you deserve more, you deserve better, and a man who will give everything to you..." That's ALL talk. IF he truely wanted to see you happy, to find a man who will give everything to you, he would break up with you completely, let you go -Heal and find someone else. HE is being selfish by hanging on to you, preventing you from creating your OWN family, making babies, making memories, going on family trips, having Christmas morning, dinners etc...HE has had all that, and continues to HAVE all that. You don't! I hope reading this kind of pisses you off abit because as I'm typing it, it pisses ME off that you're settling. Sure, you love him, but man, you're missing out on sooo much more.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 I was lurking on another OW board not too long ago, and saw a post from a woman whose MM had broken up with her. Now, that isn't the bad part. The bad part is that this woman was in her 60's and had waited DECADES for her MM to leave his W. He told OW that he was too old to be in an affair anymore, and cut her loose. She wasted her youth, her childbearing years, her chance to marry, her chance to be part of an extended family, all those holidays, vacations, etc... all of it gone now. She spent the better part of her life being someone's option, and was rewarded for it by being abandoned at the end. If you stay with your MM, that is what you have to look forward to. You are young and you have a chance at a better future for yourself. Wean yourself off of this dead end relationship, and you'll be better off for it in the end. At the very least, you will have given yourself a chance that you would be denied if you stayed with this MM.
lonelybird Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 You have to leave MM, or you have to learn life style like Lizzie Short pain is much better than long suffering
PoshPrincess Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 "dont make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option" Fab quote and it really IS sad but true! I know that with my exMM I WAS a priority to him emotionally, but when it came down to it I was last in the line of who got to spend time with him, which is par for the course when going out with a MM. I am starting to feel that I should take some time out from Rs to 'find myself' as they say. Lizzie is 100% right what she says about making ourselves the priority and no one else other than our kids, if we have them. That is what we all need to concentrate on so that we can get our lives, and more importantly, our hearts back!
Lizzie60 Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 I was lurking on another OW board not too long ago, and saw a post from a woman whose MM had broken up with her. Now, that isn't the bad part. The bad part is that this woman was in her 60's and had waited DECADES for her MM to leave his W. He told OW that he was too old to be in an affair anymore, and cut her loose. She wasted her youth, her childbearing years, her chance to marry, her chance to be part of an extended family, all those holidays, vacations, etc... all of it gone now. She spent the better part of her life being someone's option, and was rewarded for it by being abandoned at the end. If you stay with your MM, that is what you have to look forward to. You are young and you have a chance at a better future for yourself. Wean yourself off of this dead end relationship, and you'll be better off for it in the end. At the very least, you will have given yourself a chance that you would be denied if you stayed with this MM. She wasted her youth, her childbearing years, her chance to marry, her chance to be part of an extended family, all those holidays, vacations, etc... all of it gone now. She spent the better part of her life being someone's option, and was rewarded for it by being abandoned at the end. In a case like this...sorry but I think she was a fool... if it took her a lifetime to realize that the MM would never leave his W...then she almost deserves it. How stupid can someone be...really...
directx Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 In a case like this...sorry but I think she was a fool... if it took her a lifetime to realize that the MM would never leave his W...then she almost deserves it. How stupid can someone be...really... I agree Lizzie! I would NEVER EVER wait for someone to leave their M. Thats the married person's choice and there are just too many stories of disappointed people saying 'Waaah! He never left his W like he promised!' or vice versa
Woggle Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 An OW will always be a side dish. If she is too blind to realize that it is her fault.
Lizzie60 Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 I agree Lizzie! I would NEVER EVER wait for someone to leave their M. Thats the married person's choice and there are just too many stories of disappointed people saying 'Waaah! He never left his W like he promised!' or vice versa There is waiting and there is 'waiting' you know... LOL
Lizzie60 Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 An OW will always be a side dish. If she is too blind to realize that it is her fault. Maybe a side dish but Oh soooo good... sometimes the sidedish is much better than the main dish...
Woggle Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 Maybe a side dish but Oh soooo good... sometimes the sidedish is much better than the main dish... If that is what you want then hey but if a woman ever expects a MM to be her a main dish she is setting herself up for heartbreak.
Lizzie60 Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 If that is what you want then hey but if a woman ever expects a MM to be her a main dish she is setting herself up for heartbreak. I know... LOL there is a 'limit' to the 'waiting for the main dish'...
PoshPrincess Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 Oh no, the W is the main dish, but the MM just can't resist picking in between meals!
woe_is_me Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 You have to leave MM, or you have to learn life style like Lizzie lol..that was funny! anyways...i figure/figured that if we couldnt be there to 'enhance' one anothers lives...then what was the point of it all.. we laughed a lot together... we were buddies.. maybe he made her laugh a lot too ..maybe she loves him for the same reasons i did..maybe she hates him..maybe she hates him even more now since d day...omg i have no idea...! ahh the joys of it..
frannie Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 Ofcourse he will tell you "you deserve more, you deserve better, and a man who will give everything to you..." That's ALL talk. IF he truely wanted to see you happy, to find a man who will give everything to you, he would break up with you completely, let you go -Heal and find someone else. HE is being selfish by hanging on to you, preventing you from creating your OWN family, making babies, making memories, going on family trips, having Christmas morning, dinners etc...HE has had all that, and continues to HAVE all that. You don't! The trouble with advice like this, which is based on 'he does this: therefore he thinks this', is that people giving the advice change the supposed meaning of the actions all the time. So, for example here, if SBT's MM breaks up with her and lets her go, he shows he loves her and thinks well of her, no longer denying her all those Christmases alone... a truly loving gesture. Only when someone else's MM actually does that, the advice is that 'well obviously he doesn't love you, never did, loves his W and C more and wants you out of his life'. So which is it..? Or does the advice/interpretation depend on what one wants to see rather than anything else..? The only person really keeping an OW from having happy Christmases, in-laws, babies (assuming she has none of those herself anyway ) is the OW. Not the MM. OW have choices... we make choices every day of whether to stay or not to stay. If you're not happy... then end it. But don't blame someone else for stunting your life when you're the one doing it to yourself.
frannie Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 I was lurking on another OW board not too long ago, and saw a post from a woman whose MM had broken up with her. Now, that isn't the bad part. The bad part is that this woman was in her 60's and had waited DECADES for her MM to leave his W. He told OW that he was too old to be in an affair anymore, and cut her loose. She wasted her youth, her childbearing years, her chance to marry, her chance to be part of an extended family, all those holidays, vacations, etc... all of it gone now. She spent the better part of her life being someone's option, and was rewarded for it by being abandoned at the end. ... and in other circumstances spouses are suddenly told that they are going to be left for others, after years of marriage, or find out that their spouses were having affairs for the better part of the marriage. Or any other circumstance or combination you can think of. My point is that having the rug pulled out after years of believing in someone (and even if infidelity wasn't a factor) isn't pleasant whatever your status. Love is a risk, relationships are a risk... and everyone should bear that in mind. And yes, never make someone ELSE your priority, wherever you stand in your life... not unless you're getting a return on your efforts in the here and now...
Author sadbuttrue Posted August 25, 2007 Author Posted August 25, 2007 wwiu, i actually have 4 children of my own. i do not plan to have any more children, so MM is not keeping me from that, and like frannie said he really isnt keeping me from anything. if there is something(someone) i find that i want more, then i will have to make the decision to leave him or not. he makes no excuses for himself, he is selfish. he wants me and her, he says so. and since he has made it clear that he doesnt plan to leave her, he has made his choice and it isnt me. this upsets me, and it will eventually lead to my decision to leave him. i think the quote really does make sense in that we as OW often do make the MM the priority in our lives and in most cases (i know there may be some exceptions) we are far from a priority to them. we come behind the W, the kids, the job, the family, and pretty much anything else the MM is involved with. because we are a secret it is hard to be treated as a priority. if something is a priority then everyone knows about it. and we are options because they truly feel that they can go back and forth from the OW to the W without getting into trouble.
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