Lost Love Worse Than Death - Discuss

[Curious139]

Goodness knows I'm still a mess after two months and feel a bit inadequate giving other people advice. However my therapist (we call them counsellors) told me something which rang a real bell, as below.

 

 

You know, losing a love is worse than death. With death there is finality. No possible going back. Irrevocable. We come to accept the death even though it is terribly painful and sad.

 

But when we lose the person we deeply love, they are still alive. We can contact them, speak to them, even touch them. But we cannot have them. They are gone from our lives. So the pain lives on and even worse, it is refreshed every time we have contact or some hope springs to life in our hearts.

 

So while death is finite and understandable, losing the love of the person who fills your life with love is incomprehensible because they still exist. How could they be gone?! If only I did this, said that........

 

I've never known such despair in my life and many of you will understand that.

[Tony T]

I don't think you can ever lose love if it was really there to begin with. True love has a component of commitment and if one or the other is not committed to loving regardless of circumstances it simply isn't a go. It may be painful to lose someone you love but if they don't love you in return it's sort of irrational to want them back. Also, no matter how much mutual love there was...if it didn't work for a number of reasons, it just can't be a go. It takes a LOT more than love to make a relationship successful.

 

Yes, there is pain. I don't know where it comes from or where it goes. But it does go and a new dawn awakens us. It's a damned waste of time to sit around and have to go through a lot of it when one day it simply disappears and new things come into our lives. Just simply damnit!!!

[wwjd]

i remember ariawoman posted a similar thought quite some time ago, which really struck a cord with me.

 

i understand what you are saying and i believe that i understand what you are feeling. to an extent, i also agree with your (your therapist's?) observation, but there is just one thing that bugs me:

 

when you love someone to the point where death (of anyone) seems less hurtful than losing them, is it really love or selfishness?

 

the old adage of "if you really love someone, then you will be happy for their happiness, even if it's not you" (or something like that), sounds pure and heartfelt but surely does not seem to go well with this line of thought.

 

maybe to truly love another is to let them go, to let them have a chance of real happiness, even if they are no longer by your side. perhaps real love rests in knowing that, while you might be hurting for their loss, they are happy and that, ultimately, if you truly love them, then their happiness is what you want.

 

i don't know. this is a tricky thought. i'm inclined to agree with you, but something tells me that that's not real love.

[Touche]

Boy, don't tell a widow or widower that! I once told my mother I thought that. I'm once divorced and she's twice widowed now (never divorced.) She could see what I was saying but I guess her point was that there's no hope with a death of a loved one. All hope dies with that person..and that's the difference.

 

I can't really answer that question though, having never lost a love to death. I just can't imagine how it could feel worse than a divorce though...even if you want the divorce. It's still a death of sorts. A death of dreams, of a family, goals, etc. etc.

 

Tough question.

[Curious139]

The old adage of "if you really love someone, then you will be happy for their happiness, even if it's not you" (or something like that), sounds pure and heartfelt but surely does not seem to go well with this line of thought.

 

maybe to truly love another is to let them go, to let them have a chance of real happiness, even if they are no longer by your side. perhaps real love rests in knowing that, while you might be hurting for their loss, they are happy and that, ultimately, if you truly love them, then their happiness is what you want.

 

i don't know. this is a tricky thought. i'm inclined to agree with you, but something tells me that that's not real love.

 

Rationally if we really love someone we should be content that they are happy, even if it is with someone else. I understand that even if I cannot feel it.

 

So yes the pain of lost love is selfish - but what else could it be? It is you who are suffering and we are nothing without our emotions. The point remains that with broken love, the pain can be refreshed so easily which is why no contact seems to be the best advice given here.

 

Death is horrible. It is however finite. There is no possible further contact with the deceased, no hope. That is a desolate feeling but it does heal.

 

Not everyone is the same and I respect those who disagree. I just think it is an interesting comparison to make and for me it is valid.

[AriaIncognito]

 

the old adage of "if you really love someone, then you will be happy for their happiness, even if it's not you" (or something like that), sounds pure and heartfelt but surely does not seem to go well with this line of thought.

 

maybe to truly love another is to let them go, to let them have a chance of real happiness, even if they are no longer by your side. perhaps real love rests in knowing that, while you might be hurting for their loss, they are happy and that, ultimately, if you truly love them, then their happiness is what you want.

 

i don't know. this is a tricky thought. i'm inclined to agree with you, but something tells me that that's not real love.

 

You know, I've often wondered this about myself, once broken up.

 

Since they say that if you really love someone, you'll be happy for them no matter if they are with you or someone else. I have believed I was in love with men in my lifetime, and whenever they are no longer with me, I feel jealous of what they have and wonder why not me and such. So, does that mean I didn't love them? I don't know, honestly. I think there's a hard line there, the line between "i love him" and "he hurt me really bad" is a tough one to tread. I wonder if the hurt overpowers the love and then makes us not be happy for them when they've moved on.

 

I truly believe I loved my recent ex, despite his not reciprocating the emotions. I'm not happy for the fact that he left me and in the same week was seeing someone else. I'm hurt.

 

So I dont know, maybe the addage changes when hurt is involved.

[Hurt & Alone]

Goodness knows I'm still a mess after two months and feel a bit inadequate giving other people advice. However my therapist (we call them counsellors) told me something which rang a real bell, as below.

 

 

You know, losing a love is worse than death. With death there is finality. No possible going back. Irrevocable. We come to accept the death even though it is terribly painful and sad.

 

But when we lose the person we deeply love, they are still alive. We can contact them, speak to them, even touch them. But we cannot have them. They are gone from our lives. So the pain lives on and even worse, it is refreshed every time we have contact or some hope springs to life in our hearts.

 

So while death is finite and understandable, losing the love of the person who fills your life with love is incomprehensible because they still exist. How could they be gone?! If only I did this, said that........

 

I've never known such despair in my life and many of you will understand that.

 

The intial feelings/emotions of a loss from death or an ending relationship, wether it is intimate or not carry the same weight. I can completly agree with this statment. A loss of having that cerain person in your life vanish is very devestating. I can say from personal experiance that my feelings of losing my father to cancer and losing my husband due to divorce brought about the same pain. However, I do not agree that an ending relationship is worse that death in the long term because, you too will move on and find another person to fill the place of the lost relationship. Although, it may not seem that way but, eventually it does happen and the pain lessens when the op is still alive because you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you are happy and the other is satisfied. Death is infinite, there is no replacing that person.

 

When a person loves another, regardless of the relationship ie. family memeber, friend , lover etc. love is love. The feelings for your family member is the same as your lover. the only difference between the two is one has intimacy and the other does not (or hopefully not). this is the reason when a loss is experienced it feels the same. In time, your loss of your lover or husband/wife due to a break-up heals. The pain with death in time lessens because you learn to live with the pain and you accept the person is gone forever. Losing my father (12 years ago) I still break down and cry on occasions and each time I do the pain is very real. My ex-husband (2 years), I no longer do that with. He is alive and living a life of happiness or whatever, but he is still alive.

 

Playing the what if games will never help you in your healing process. for everything we do we can look back and say what if and contimplate the different outcomes, but you can not turn back time so, the what if's are useless. For every descion that a person makes in life, they make with what appears to be the best at that time. I fit was not the right descion/action learn by it but dont beat yourself up over it. We are only human.

[satori22]

I have a feeling your therapist never lost someone they truly loved to death. My boyfriend and I had a long relationship in which we broke up 2 times, once for almost 2 months. I suffered the loss of him through a break up and now I have suffered the loss of him through death. I can tell you that it is in no way comparable. Death is absolute and it robs you of everything. With death you have the same doubts, fears, guilt, insecurities that follow a break up, but they are amplified to an unimaginable degree. You don't always have closure even if it is really over and final. The finality of it does not preclude eternal longing and at times irrational hope for what you cannot have--ever. He's not with another girl, he's not "taking a break"--he's dead and no one can come back from that.

 

You can't say "well it was for the best", you can't take comfort in another's arms without intense guilt and disgust, you can't just let go and say well at least he's still alive and we both have the possibility of happiness even if not with each other. You can't look back on it after you have begun to heal and think "wow why did i ever care so much?" or laugh when you remember how upset you got over someone who in the end was not worth it.

 

When you meet someone new and fall in love again the pain of your last breakup is forgotten almost completely with a break up, even bad ones, because of the euphoria of new love. In other words it will get better, you will heal and the pain will be only a dull memory. You have a choice to let go and look for something better for you (because if there wasn't something better then why didn't the relationship work in the first place???) With death it never goes away, you heal in some ways but it is not the same because you lose someone inexplicably and unfairly in the midst of love, not at the end. You lose someone who loved you and wanted to be with you, not someone who was not really there with you in the first place. You didn't lose them because it wasn't working or the relationship was not strong enough--you lost them because of something bigger than both of you, bigger even than love. How can you ever forget or recover from that kind of loss?

 

I agree a break up is very difficult and the pain can at times haunt you, but it is nothing compared to losing someone you love to something as unfair and as crushing as death. Breakups are painful but the pain is not permanent, or at least doesn't have to be, no matter how intensely it feels right now. But love lost to death can't be forgotten or diminished when new love arises. It can't be written off as "a lesson in love" a "good thing that worked out for the best in the end," or whatever we usually end up saying about bad breakups once we have healed. There is no way to put a positive spin on death, or if you try it will be eclipsed by the overwhelming darkness of the fragility of life and inevitably of love.

 

if it helps comfort you to think that it is harder than death (i don't know how it could?) then go ahead but please be prepared for a shock when someone you love does pass away. it is nothing like what you are experiencing now. I've done them both and I'd take a break up any day. I would give anything for him to be alive again, even if he chose never to speak to me again or if he came back hating me--because his existence alone was enough to make the world better and to make me happy.

 

I guess the point is, a year ago I might have agreed but now I know there is a difference and I will never so histrionically lament a break up again because the pain is real yes, but controllable and manageable if only one takes a stand against it. There is no stand to take against death, however--we all lose to it in the end. But it is important to remember that though it is an incomprehensible and absurd loss, we can still simultaneously win by living as happily and fully as possible.

[sao2]

I've never lost someone (close to me) to death. I have heard that statement before but I would be very apprehensive repeating it.

[Lezbean]

I will agree that nothing hurts more than a broken heart.

 

Hang in there. It does get better!

[Storyrider]

The comparison is interesting to ponder but maybe not so useful. Both are pretty horrible and painful.

 

I can see what you're saying about the "what ifs." Also, with most deaths, there is not such a tendency to blame one's self and obsessively go over and over everything that has happened.

 

Of course, as wwjd has mentioned, knowing the person is alive and well should be a comfort if you truly love them.

 

In the end, I don't think you should look to this comparison as a validation for your pain. I am sure your pain is quite real and nobody need validate it but you.

[Storyrider]

Thinking about this some more: I guess with the person still around, you're left wondering how things could have been different. And yes, when things are fresh, there's the almost hourly temptation to reach out to the person again, even though your mind tells you it would solve nothing. You can have this conversation with yourself twenty times a day.

 

And there is the worrying about whether they are OK. And then the urge to rescue them from any hurt you have caused, versus needing to protect yourself.

 

But wishing them dead? No. Never.

 

The thing that is similar, is that we talk to our loved ones who have died, we have conversations with them, and sometimes they even talk back.

 

In the same way, if you truly love someone, you're always in conversation with them in your heart, even if they are nowhere around. Your heart speaks to them involuntarily. And then when your head snaps at you that it is all in your imagination and they are not talking back, that can be very, very painful.

[Tormented]

I don't know that losing a loved one through a breakup is more painful than through death...except, there can be SOME comfort taken in the fact that the loved one didn't leave you by choice in death. Whereas, in a breakup, it WAS their choice to leave you. And I think THAT'S where the struggle to heal comes in play with a breakup, and why the pain and anger runs so deep.

 

But more painful? No...the loss of love through ANY means is very painful.

 

~T~

[livebuzzwords]

i am sitting in an internet cafe, tears running down my face, guess a whole years worth of her silence and my fighting for us has finally caught up with me....i'm sorry c i have done the best i could for as long as i could - i will never be the same without u - i love u and hope u are doing well

 

i didn't expect these emotions to rush out now..guess i am just tired..i really hoped.....

 

nite all

[livebuzzwords]

i am just scared. i don't want to be initmate with anyone else because i know if i do i can't turn back - i give my all heart and soul and i am at that point where i have to respect myself, another and what i want really - i guess this is why i have said on here so long...holding out and i thought i could do this better - i wish things had turned out differently

[Fun2BMe]

My therapist told me the same thing, but not as elegantly as yours. He just told me that mourning the loss of the lost love one is as painful as mourning the lost life of a dead loved one. That made me feel comforted like he understood in how much pain I was in.

 

I don't think you can ever lose love if it was really there to begin with.

 

I have to simply disagree with the above comment. I don't doubt the real love a couple may have had such as when they were together in good times or when they got married when those same people end up in divorce or stop loving. I think it's a Disney like romantic notion to think that if one truly loved someone then like a fairy tale they'll always love and live happily ever after.

 

Circumstances and feelings do in fact change over time, sometimes to the better and sometimes to the worse in my humble opinion, at least in my situations. Most murders are committed by former lovers. The more they used to love, the more they now hate.

 

To the OP I hope you feel better soon!

[Curious139]

 

To the OP I hope you feel better soon!

 

Thanks Fun, appreciated. I'm probably not in a good place (emotionally) to be discussing such a sensitive comparison. I have experienced deaths of close family and it was undeniably sad. I don't for one second suggest that the death of a loved one is some sort of lesser pain - it is entirely real.

 

However death has a specific closure, there is no hope possible. Furthermore the deceased person hasn't left you for someone else.

 

Losing your lover has so many elements of conflict that the loss can be renewed daily and refreshed until you can finally allow it to fade.

 

Not having a good day but it helps to know others are in the same situation. My thanks to you all.

[livebuzzwords]

i hope u are getting help because this is not healthy - to play with a real person but be so angry at them to do this and send them to prison

 

u know what i did not hurt u bad enuff to make u act like this, treat people like this and for so long - have u always been like this? what is it about me that could possibly make you act this way for almost 2 years

 

i remember seeing your face when i started dating rose - you were mad - but when i tried courting u - housewarming gift you called the cops - so i move on find someone and you get mad - why are you focussing on me ifr you don't want me

 

this is not a true part of you. it is not a result of what happened. there is something else that is doing this. i mean, you show up in court with a list of harms and with some guy, and when i try to do the right thing you act like this - u never did anything close to this in the 4 years i knew u...this is unhealthy and i am wondering, after so long u have not changed in over a year - what' going on - i don't want to see you hurt like this and waste your life

 

let me help u