jackmerridew Posted August 23, 2007 Posted August 23, 2007 It's been almost two months since I dumped my girlfriend for cheating on me. She left in May for an internship, so technically I haven't seen the love of my life since May. I was feeling better for a while, until I started to re-establish contact with her. She initially wanted a second chance, but now she says she doesn't want to and she's enjoying the single life. I expected it, but it didn't make me any smarter and it didn't make it hurt less. Since the breakup, I've been analyzing alot of my own issues (insecurity, faith, loneliness), and despite the heartfelt best efforts of my family and friends, I actually feel more depressed than I ever was. I sometimes turn to drinking, knowing full well that it only makes me feel better for the few hours I'm drunk. Have you guys ever gone to see a psychologist? Does it help? I desperately want to get out of this funk.
kirikat Posted August 23, 2007 Posted August 23, 2007 Yeah, therapy works. Gotta find the right one though. There is one thing I KNOW for sure... whatever we are getting in life is what we are COMMITED to getting. So, if you dont like whats going on, you have to change it..... You chose the girl, you chose the relationship - the only way to avoid repeating the scenario again is to learn everything you can about why you did what you did. Adult relationships are mostly about healing our childhood relationships... I, for instance, go after men who are ambivalent (the men who are absolutely crazy about me, I am not so interested in...) The reason? Emotional unavailability feels like home to me. Besides, I actually believe that each and every one of us, no matter how healthy and successful, could use a period of therapy. No matter how great our life is, and no matter how successful we are, we will suffer. Suffering is how we grow. And the better we are at handling these crisises, the more effective we are at learning how to use these things to become more fully human.
Author jackmerridew Posted August 23, 2007 Author Posted August 23, 2007 Yeah, therapy works. Gotta find the right one though. There is one thing I KNOW for sure... whatever we are getting in life is what we are COMMITED to getting. So, if you dont like whats going on, you have to change it..... You chose the girl, you chose the relationship - the only way to avoid repeating the scenario again is to learn everything you can about why you did what you did. Adult relationships are mostly about healing our childhood relationships... I, for instance, go after men who are ambivalent (the men who are absolutely crazy about me, I am not so interested in...) The reason? Emotional unavailability feels like home to me. Besides, I actually believe that each and every one of us, no matter how healthy and successful, could use a period of therapy. No matter how great our life is, and no matter how successful we are, we will suffer. Suffering is how we grow. And the better we are at handling these crisises, the more effective we are at learning how to use these things to become more fully human. Ah this is why I love these boards. It really has to do with how I was raised and how I was treated as a child too. For me, I feel like I need a lot of attention, because I barely got any of it as a child. I feel hopelessness, even though I know it won't last. What I am tired of, though, is life being mostly about suffering. I'm tired of what is seemingly a random set of strikes and gutterballs that life seems to consist of. It's incredibly frustrating, like you said, no matter how successful I am and no matter how much better my life is compared to millions of people.
Lizzie60 Posted August 23, 2007 Posted August 23, 2007 I have to be honest with you... I don't believe in therapy that much... I saw psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists for over 5 years...and NONE really helped me. I was in a deep depression so, in my case, medication helped me more than counselling. There are tons of counsellors out there...just about anyone who can afford to go to university can be a therapist.. it's that easy... that doesn't mean they're good. While I was at the hospital the first time, one came to my room... I had just came out of my coma... I was rude and told him to f*ck off.... he just got up and left... LOL what a twit! The second time, I was hospitalized for a longer period... I met a psychiatrist... he was just there for the money... he did f*ck all for me. I've seen other psychologists (2) for quite a while... nothing... then I saw a therapist for months... he eventually took off.. nervous break down... So... do I believe in therapy???? N-O. There are waayyy too many charlatans out there.
Lizzie60 Posted August 23, 2007 Posted August 23, 2007 instead of 'wasting' your money on therapists... just get yourself good self-help books... they're just as good... at least you get something for your money.
shattered&confused Posted August 23, 2007 Posted August 23, 2007 i'm in therapy now and it seems to be working for me. i'm not 100% sure yet if its gonna be successful to straighten me out cause i've only been to 4 sessions so far - but i'm hopeful. all i know is its helping me step back and look at the big picture. my ex common-law partner of 3.5 years cheated on me. when i found out and confronted him he indicated that he loved her more than me and started packing. b4 he left he made sure that i would think it was all my fault. we had been planning to get engaged next year. my therapist has helped me understand that even if i was the worst girlfriend in the world the respectable thing to do would have been to break up with me. without involving a 3rd person. he made the decision to cheat eventhough he knew how wrong and hurtful it is - how could that be my fault. i'm not sure if therapy will be for you, but it probably would be good to talk to your doctor. like you mentioned, drinking only helps numb you or distract you temporarily. the sooner you open yourself to feeling the pain, the sooner you'll be on your way to getting over it
Curious139 Posted August 23, 2007 Posted August 23, 2007 Yes therapy works and you don't nescessarily need a psychologist or psychiatrist. A good therapist is someone who will listen to you in a non-judgemental way and introduce you to different ways of viewing your problems. One of the points of therapy is simply an uninvolved kind listening ear. That is worth a lot in itself. As well you should go to the library and browse self-help books. Google the web. You'll pick up little strategies and ideas which will resonate with you.
Sand&Water Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 RE: Jackmerridew, First: I recommend you pay a psychologist a visit. From your post alone, it is evident you want to discuss a couple of issues with a professional. However, do understand that with such a step forward comes a whole plague of past memories and experiences that you'll have to tackle with your psychologist. Are you prepared to open up about everything? IF you are, then go ahead. It will be tough, though. So: Does therapy work? Yes -BUT not for everyone. You must be willing to examine, evaluate, and treat your issues on your own. It just may open your eyes to another part of yourself you never knew about nor really realized you were capable of expressing. I think the break-up triggered several issues embedded deep within you, but it wasn't the main source of pain. There are other aspects of your life that you aren't/weren't happy about, the break-up simply agitated and exposed those wounds to the world. I hope you understand that in order to get rid of your ex -get her out of your system/mind -you have to replace her with another woman. Meaning, you have to go out and find a new love interest. Good Luck. Sand&Water
Toolate Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 Yes it works. Gettting stuff off your chest and making sense of your problems would help anyone. If you pissed off and shut in, no i wont help at all, you have to be ready.
Fun2BMe Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 I would caution one against therapy. It helped me for a while short term, but whenever I was strong, he'd manipulate something to cause more issues to the point I am much worse off for going. I agree with Lizzie you should get self-help books instead. And if you want to get something off your chest, talk to friends, or post on LS. Don't go is my opinion from experience. I wish I could reverse all the damage over the months it caused me and this was by a good therapist.
Trialbyfire Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 I highly recommend therapy with the right person. You have to be prepared to open up all the way, if possible from the first session. Also, therapy is not a cure. It's like a how-to guide with a live person to give you tips on the way. The idea is to learn how to cope with situations unfamiliar to you or reroute unhealthy/damaged coping tools.
oppath Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 I think therapy is great, though it took me a couple disjointed years and a several psychologists before I found the right people. For my problems -- anxiety when approaching women and initiating romantic relationships -- I need cognitive behavioral therapy. I was so irrational with how I viewed myself in that part of my life that I thought in ways that really induced extreme anxiety, if not panic attacks. Once I learned to think more rationally, I was able to change some behaviors, mostly taking more risks. The key, something not possible without therapy, was changing my thoughts first, so I could cope with the behavioral changes. I think it was my 4th psychologist before I found the right person with the right method. I wouldn't advocate self help books as better or equal. They are not. But if you identify what your problem is, and can research what types of therapy are typically used to treat that problem, then purchase a book on that and find a therapist who focuses on those methods.
Fun2BMe Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 I think therapy is great, though it took me a couple disjointed years and a several psychologists before I found the right people. Two years of going from one bad psychologist to another can only add more damage. Some people don't find the right one for them in 20 years so again, I think self help via books and friends and online support is best.
sedgwick Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 Absolutely it can help! I was in therapy for two years and quit about three months after my ex and I got together. (Not because of him, but just because I was doing well and didn't really have the money to pay for it anymore.) I called my therapist the day he left and was back in her office the next week. She tells me stuff I don't want to hear, but she does make me think about things differently. It helps so much to have an unbiased outside opinion.
Author jackmerridew Posted August 25, 2007 Author Posted August 25, 2007 I just need a third party. Like I said, I've relied on friends and family, but I still feel an oppressive sadness that I can't seem to shake, despite their best and most meaningful efforts. I really need a third party that doesn't know me but whom I'm paying to really know me. Thanks for the advice guys. I'm willing to try at least one session just to see whether it helps or not. Honestly, spending a $150 on a session (depending on what my insurance covers) is a lot healthier than drinking and smoking that same amount of cash away, which I can easily do in a single day. I'm not expecting a cure. But I deserve understanding, and I hope I chose a good one. Her Web site seemed inviting, and she doesn't sound threatening.
uniqueone Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 Does therapy work? If it did, would we be here?
Trimmer Posted August 25, 2007 Posted August 25, 2007 I hope you understand that in order to get rid of your ex -get her out of your system/mind -you have to replace her with another woman. Meaning, you have to go out and find a new love interest. Wow... I completely disagree that you "have to". Maybe this works for some people, but for others, it is not the only way, and for still others it might even be counterproductive. I don't think it is a blanket rule at all. In my case, I made a decision to "work on myself" for a while. It's been around 2 years since my marriage unraveled, and I'm really glad I spent this time taking it easy, getting myself together, and finding myself again as a whole person. Now that I have spent that time, I hope to be an even better partner in a relationship. And I don't feel like I "need" to find a new love interest to get rid of my ex. My ex was part of the relationship that is now over. Any new love interest is not a tool for dealing with the past; she will be a part of my future, and of the present moment. On the original point - I have really valued my time in therapy, but I entered it intentionally and decisively, knowing that I wanted to work on some things, and intending to open up completely and honestly. I used it as a tool, and as a result, I have been very satisfied. But I think it depends on your attitude going in. The therapist doesn't do the work, you do. If you go in expecting to "be fixed", it will likely not do much for you. It's the ultimate "your mileage may vary" situation, as you can see from the varied replies above.
New_Wife Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 I don't know. I hurt so bad tonite I would probably end my life if my kids wouldn't be destroyed by it. I've been to therapists for years too. Just keep trying - that's all I can say - and hope maybe tomorrow is better. Because those smiles - those little tiny smiles - can be enough to hold on just one more second. And the image of those tears, and the pain that would cause them to fall, can be enough to drive a woman to a message board at 2:59 am just to try to hang on one more night to keep from causing. If I can, you can. With luck, we'll talk tomorrow or the next day.
kirikat Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 Jack, I am really sorry about these letters discouraging you from seeking therapy. I am equally sorry for those people who apparently simply had really awful therapists.... (or, excuse me ladies - it could be that they were not simply ready to change.... kind of like someone with emphysema who blames the doctor for thier own inability to stop smoking...) That said - there are a lot of bad therapists out there. There are a lot of really screwed up Psychiatrists. "Traditional Talk Therapy" can be utterly and completely USELESS when the issues are of child abuse and neglect.... The stuff that works with child abuse issues - reparenting, rebirthing, etc are antithetical in many cases to what gets taught in the schools. My BEST therapists, the ones who helped me get through and healed from severe child sexual and physical abuse were NOT psychologists. Their methods would not have been approved of - but I can tell you that they saved my life. Read up on the different modalities of treatment. Look at Gestalt Therapy, NLP, Jungian Therapy, Viktor Frankl, Logotherapy, Eriksonian Therapy. Consider even going to a life coach or a counselor (someone who hasnt necessarily swallowed the party lines they teach in college....) The mind is not like the body - to help with emotional issues, you need to find someone who is intuitive, sensitive - and creative! Finally - as someone else said - this work can be VERY painful. You cannot look to your counselor to just "fix your pain" - you need to actually HEAL this stuff, and that means being willing to grow - change decisions you made when you were very young, reintegrate your personality - if its USEFUL it will probably be tough, because this is work of the Spirit.
zebrasan Posted August 27, 2007 Posted August 27, 2007 I agee with Kirikat. Therapy works if you want it to, if your ready to have someone give you a swift kick to the a**. I'm currently in therapy, she's awesome and always willing to tell me what I don't want to/not ready to hear. On a side note, happiness a habit. It's something your going to have to practice. It's not just a random feeling you get when things go your way. It's a concious decision that you are going to have to make. I struggled with depression for awhile and I have subsequently removed it from my life without the use of medication. More than likely the last couple of months you have been repeating thoughts, experiences and feelings that create emotions of depression. The more you continue to think and act out these negative emotions the more you reinforce them in your mind. You literally increase the synaptic connections, basically your thoughts become biology. Look this up, it's being studied more and more. The good news is that you can change it. Something for you right now: The next time you are feeling down, force a smile. Hold the smile for 7 minutes, time it if you need to. At the end of 7 minutes your mind and body will be biologically unable to continue the sensation of being depressed. The more you do it, the more it's nuerobiologically reinforced in you mind. This principle applies to pretty much everything we think about. This was kind of a long post, hope it helps.
Author jackmerridew Posted September 1, 2007 Author Posted September 1, 2007 I agee with Kirikat. Therapy works if you want it to, if your ready to have someone give you a swift kick to the a**. I'm currently in therapy, she's awesome and always willing to tell me what I don't want to/not ready to hear. On a side note, happiness a habit. It's something your going to have to practice. It's not just a random feeling you get when things go your way. It's a concious decision that you are going to have to make. I struggled with depression for awhile and I have subsequently removed it from my life without the use of medication. More than likely the last couple of months you have been repeating thoughts, experiences and feelings that create emotions of depression. The more you continue to think and act out these negative emotions the more you reinforce them in your mind. You literally increase the synaptic connections, basically your thoughts become biology. Look this up, it's being studied more and more. The good news is that you can change it. Something for you right now: The next time you are feeling down, force a smile. Hold the smile for 7 minutes, time it if you need to. At the end of 7 minutes your mind and body will be biologically unable to continue the sensation of being depressed. The more you do it, the more it's nuerobiologically reinforced in you mind. This principle applies to pretty much everything we think about. This was kind of a long post, hope it helps. This was a pleasant well-informed post that made me smile for at least 30 seconds. I'll try the 7-minute thing soon. I had my therapy session. It's hard to tell from the first session, but I'm not sure if this one was good for me. I did a lot of the talking, and her analysis of me, at least initially, was nothing I couldn't tell myself. However, I did in fact find out a little bit more about myself as I continued talking and rambling on. I might continue on with one more session just to feel her out. If not, I might just move on to another one. It's been ups and downs really. Yesterday I felt ok. Today I just felt miserable as all of a sudden I started thinking about the good times we just had together playing videogames or dancing in front of our video camera for the heck of it. God ... how could something so pure and fun like that just go all the way to the other end of the spectrum in a short span of months.
kirikat Posted September 1, 2007 Posted September 1, 2007 Yeah - thats the one problem with therapy - its hard to tell if they are useful or not until you are already invested. The best thing, if you decided to move on, is to see if you can't get some referrals. Do you know what kind of methodology she uses? Also, you really might want to see a man... (being that you are a man yourself....)
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