NoIDidn't Posted August 23, 2007 Posted August 23, 2007 I am curious as to what one would actually say. I mean, would you say "Hello, I'm _____ and I've been seeing/whatever your husband". How does one even begin to start that conversation? How many people here have actually told the W? Actually spoken to the W about the A? Or even if you haven't but fantasized about it, what were the words you wanted to use?
Impudent Oyster Posted August 23, 2007 Posted August 23, 2007 I would think that most times it's done anonymously...at least that's how it happened in my sit. On the other hand, I did call OW and she was speechless, I could hear her gasping on the other end, I called her to let her know that I knew all about her, so she offered up a "I'm so sorry, MM loves you" in a trembling voice and I told her that my marriage was none of her business then hung up.
Author NoIDidn't Posted August 23, 2007 Author Posted August 23, 2007 I was thinking long and hard about how to tell my GF about her H's newest child. But I couldn't find the words. I could have done it anonymously, but the way that I speak is very well-known among my friends. She would have known it was from me. But I am an up-front, confrontational person. I don't like anonymous tellings. Its cowardly. I am no one's coward. I just don't know the words that I would have used. How do you tell a friend that her H was cheating with your neighbor (lived by my neighborhood)? And produced a child? I just don't know. When I was done wrong by a guy that had a girlfriend and I found out and dumped him, I thought of telling the girlfriend in those cases too. But I kept hitting the same brick wall, it would come off as sour grapes. Like I was jealous, vengeful, and just wanted to hurt her. So I always dropped it, unless I got to know her under different circumstances or she brought it up herself (as many did suspect something was up with me and their boyfriends). I still couldn't find the words, though. What words does one use that doesn't create that uncomfortable silence?
Love4Eternity Posted August 23, 2007 Posted August 23, 2007 I wouldnt tell the wife and havent even thought about it, i feel if my mm wants to inform her its his choice, just the same as i wouldnt want him to tell my husband I feel its my place to tell my husband, if either of us should decide to do so. I do not think i could face her let alone come up with the words to tell her...
Lizzie60 Posted August 23, 2007 Posted August 23, 2007 I would say "Hello, I'm Lizzie and I've been screwing your husband". How does one even begin to start that conversation? See the previous. How many people here have actually told the W? Actually spoken to the W about the A? I did, but it was an accident.. I didn't know he was married and I called his house... We met and she asks a lot of details... LOL Or even if you haven't but fantasized about it, what were the words you wanted to use? I would never ever tell unless he does something stupid to me.... but in my fantasy I would say: Hi, my name is Lizzie, I have been f*cking your husband for over 2 years now and it's been amazing. He is freaken good with his mouth... You should insure his tongue for a million... In case you're wondering... he's been coming to my place during work hours or in the evening, when he was supposed to be with the boys for a beer.. or on Saturday while he was supposed to be at Home Depot or at the garage, checking his car...
Impudent Oyster Posted August 23, 2007 Posted August 23, 2007 I was thinking long and hard about how to tell my GF about her H's newest child. ? Well that's different, how horrible! She has to know. I would send an anonymous letter (she may want to shoot the messenger of such devastating news), keep it brief and stick to the facts, something like, Dear Mrs. X, I'm sorry to inform you that your husband, First name Last name, has fathered the child of Ms. Y, of City,State. The baby boy/girl was born on month/day/year in City, State. Ms. Y resides at (give address if you know it) and her phone number is (give number if you have it). This is not a joke, I'm very sorry to be the bearer of this awful news.
outofdarkness Posted August 23, 2007 Posted August 23, 2007 I would say "Hello, I'm Lizzie and I've been screwing your husband". How does one even begin to start that conversation? See the previous. How many people here have actually told the W? Actually spoken to the W about the A? I did, but it was an accident.. I didn't know he was married and I called his house... We met and she asks a lot of details... LOL Or even if you haven't but fantasized about it, what were the words you wanted to use? I would never ever tell unless he does something stupid to me.... but in my fantasy I would say: Hi, my name is Lizzie, I have been f*cking your husband for over 2 years now and it's been amazing. He is freaken good with his mouth... You should insure his tongue for a million... In case you're wondering... he's been coming to my place during work hours or in the evening, when he was supposed to be with the boys for a beer.. or on Saturday while he was supposed to be at Home Depot or at the garage, checking his car... I don't know that your post even deserves a reply, but i felt compelled to..Are you having your A b/c you enjoy being w/ your MM or just b/c you enjoy the thought that you are hurting his W and family...Which is it, or is it both...never mind you don't even have to answer that...I don't want to know.
sadbuttrue Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 well, i told the W, but i did it anonymously (i guess i took the coward's way). i thought it would help my situation. i thought it would force him to leave me alone or yes, maybe she would leave him. anyway, it didnt work. things are the same as they were before, it has been over 6 months since i told her. she still suspects i think. maybe she is at least a little more watchful now.
movinon05 Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 I was thinking long and hard about how to tell my GF about her H's newest child. But I couldn't find the words. I could have done it anonymously, but the way that I speak is very well-known among my friends. She would have known it was from me. But I am an up-front, confrontational person. I don't like anonymous tellings. Its cowardly. I am no one's coward. I just don't know the words that I would have used. How do you tell a friend that her H was cheating with your neighbor (lived by my neighborhood)? And produced a child? I just don't know. When I was done wrong by a guy that had a girlfriend and I found out and dumped him, I thought of telling the girlfriend in those cases too. But I kept hitting the same brick wall, it would come off as sour grapes. Like I was jealous, vengeful, and just wanted to hurt her. So I always dropped it, unless I got to know her under different circumstances or she brought it up herself (as many did suspect something was up with me and their boyfriends). I still couldn't find the words, though. What words does one use that doesn't create that uncomfortable silence? She's your friend??????? I would have to tell her!!!!!! ESPECIALLY if there's a child involved!!!!!!!!!
RealityCheck Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 I just don't know. When I was done wrong by a guy that had a girlfriend and I found out and dumped him, I thought of telling the girlfriend in those cases too. But I kept hitting the same brick wall, it would come off as sour grapes. Like I was jealous, vengeful, and just wanted to hurt her. So I always dropped it, unless I got to know her under different circumstances or she brought it up herself (as many did suspect something was up with me and their boyfriends). I still couldn't find the words, though. What words does one use that doesn't create that uncomfortable silence? Whew! Can I relate. I told 2 of my friends. One 10 years ago the other was 5 years ago. It is true, that though the intent is to be only a caring friend, sometimes it backfires. They are hurt and of course go through their own healing processes but somehow the friendship's dynamic changes. We remain friends, but its different.
RealityCheck Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 Whew! Can I relate. I told 2 of my friends. One 10 years ago the other was 5 years ago. It is true, that though the intent is to be only a caring friend, sometimes it backfires. They are hurt and of course go through their own healing processes but somehow the friendship's dynamic changes. We remain friends, but its different. I better clarify that I told my g-f's that I witnessed the infidelity of their H's. My g-f's did get the facts aside from me. Nevertheless the dynamic did change.
mystic_pizza Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 I don't if I would ever tell, what I would say if I did or how I would even go about it. I guess it depends on the situation and even then I don't think I would tell. Afterall, I didn't get involved with MM to hurt his wife. Don't know her and wouldn't want to hurt her like that because whatever happens between me and him is between us and no one else. Now, for those of you who disagree, you do not know my story and why I am even involved in my A in the first place, so no need to jump all over me.
Lizzie60 Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 I better clarify that I told my g-f's that I witnessed the infidelity of their H's. My g-f's did get the facts aside from me. Nevertheless the dynamic did change. happened to a friend of mine... long time ago... her H was having an A with a girl at work... One of her friend told her... she (W) left him for a few months with the kids... went into a deep depression... eventhough she said she wanted to know, it caused her sooo much pain that she eventually hated that friend for ruining her family and her marriage. They got back together after a close to a year... moved to another province... he later died on duty, he was a RCMP officer (few years later). She later said that she would rather not know, because of all the pain it caused the children and herself... she almost died... she was thin and she lost so many weight that she got sick. It was a total mess. After that, I swore I would NEVER EVER tell a W.
mystic_pizza Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 I better clarify that I told my g-f's that I witnessed the infidelity of their H's. My g-f's did get the facts aside from me. Nevertheless the dynamic did change. I know how you feel. My story is a little different, it didn't involve a "disclosure" per se, but an A was involved. We are no longer friends because she feels I betrayed her trust. It would be too much TMI if I told the story. I will tell you this though, it involved saving a life and calling the H was imperative. Even though it involved an A, I didn't tell him why she was where she was. She was 6 States away from me and he was the only other person I could get in touch with after receiving her call. Believe me, I did not want to do it, but I had no choice. She hates me and I am resentful toward her for putting me in that situation in the first place.
GreenEyedLady Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 I am curious as to what one would actually say. I mean, would you say "Hello, I'm _____ and I've been seeing/whatever your husband". How does one even begin to start that conversation? How many people here have actually told the W? Actually spoken to the W about the A? Or even if you haven't but fantasized about it, what were the words you wanted to use? I really don't know what someone would say...I have never fantasized about it...I wouldn't want to hurt someone so bad... I think it comes from this place though, of just wanting to end the A and telling the W seems the only way to totally end it, w/o MM coming back... The only thing is that in a lot of cases, the MM still keeps coming back...So what was achieved? Alot of hurt for someone who doesn't deserve it...
Cinabon Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 Personally I think he should tell her. I might have thought about it in anger but No I dont think I would never say anything to her. Yes I have spoken with the W in regards to the affair after she found out about us. I will be happy never speaking to her again.
Author NoIDidn't Posted August 24, 2007 Author Posted August 24, 2007 I think everyone misunderstood my intent for mentioning my friend's situation. I will NEVER tell her. Her best friend knows and hasn't told her. I am NOT putting myself in that situation. I asked about it here a long time ago and decided then not to tell her. My point was, and thanks for those that did respond regardless, that I could never find the words to tell. Even when I was the "other", I couldn't find the words that wouldn't make me look or sound jealous and vengeful. I wouldn't hurt someone in that way. If they've done something to me, I'd tell them how I felt about that. But in a situation of me being with their SO, I couldn't do it. I wouldn't do it. I just don't kiss and tell.
woe_is_me Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 I am curious as to what one would actually say. I mean, would you say "Hello, I'm _____ and I've been seeing/whatever your husband". How does one even begin to start that conversation? How many people here have actually told the W? Actually spoken to the W about the A? Or even if you haven't but fantasized about it, what were the words you wanted to use? For a while after we stopped seeing one another i had visions of just walking up to his front door lol... definately fantasizing... I would NEVER have told .. she found out by accident ... twas Gods plan! I could bury him ..i have around 30 saved emails that would make her want to kill him! But i don't have it in me and.. quite frankly he scares me..
popey Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 I told. had this experience - not with a husband, but an engaged man (totally unbeknownst to me). I dated a guy for 6 mos who had me convinced that he loved me, but was unusually busy b/c he was in the process of starting a new company. I was pretty trusting. When the signs were screeming so loud that my friends had to speak up to me, I started to investigate informally. Found evidence that the "ex fiance" is likely the "current fiance." I called her. Told her who I was, and why I was calling. Asked enough questions and got enough answers to determine that we were both totally played. I told her everything I know. Apologized for being a source of pain to her, and gave her my contact info- telling her she could reach back if she wanted. (thinking there may be more questions coming to light later that she might want my answers to.)
PoshPrincess Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 My point was' date=' and thanks for those that did respond regardless, that I could never find the words to tell. Even when I was the "other", I couldn't find the words that wouldn't make me look or sound jealous and vengeful.[/quote'] I'm totally with you there, NID. I know I would never willingly tell. As far as I am concerned the only reasons one would tell ARE for revenge; either that or because they think, as SadButTrue did, that it will spur the MM to leave. Loving MM as I did I wouldn't have done that, but then there were kids involved too so that would have been hurting them. I'm not taking the moral highground here, please don't think that (how could I possibly take the moral highground having been an OW!). This is just my personal opinion. Each to their own and all that but I don't think there is anything to be achieved in telling. Yes, the W DOES deserve to know but not from the OW. If they are suspicious and they want to know, then they will confront you. Some might say that ignorance is bliss, particularly if an A is over and wasa one-off. If exMMs W confronted me now I think I would tell but I would be sure to let her know that he chose her because he LOVES her (not sure that it's true mind you but no point in telling her otherwise).
Impudent Oyster Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 I think everyone misunderstood my intent for mentioning my friend's situation. I will NEVER tell her. Her best friend knows and hasn't told her. I am NOT putting myself in that situation. I asked about it here a long time ago and decided then not to tell her. . I would have to tell if their was an other child involved...IF her H is paying child support like he should, that's HER money. How on earth can everyone let the bast*rd get away with this? I think that's the ultimate betrayal, that woman is living a lie. What will happen 10, 20, or 30 years down the road when she finds out the life she's living isn't what she thought it was and her husband isn't the man she thought? What will happen when her children find out they have a sibling no one told them about? What will happen when she realizes that her best friends knew and didn't tell her? She's going to go crazy when she finds out how deep the betrayal is, not just by her H but by her friends! Sh*t, give me the details, I'll tell her.
Cobra_X30 Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 Thats all so true. You dont really have the option to sit on that kind of info. What you think that by delivering the truth your ACTUALLY the cause of her pain??? You found out. You are obligated to provide her the truth. The best way to to that is up to you! You can contact her H, and inform him that you are going to tip her off, but you think it would be best if she heard it from him. Yes, he will hate you... maybe forever, but who cares, he's a piece of crap to begin with! There are a myriad of ways to let her know... time to start thinking!
RealityCheck Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 I think everyone misunderstood my intent for mentioning my friend's situation. I will NEVER tell her. Her best friend knows and hasn't told her. I am NOT putting myself in that situation. I asked about it here a long time ago and decided then not to tell her. My point was, and thanks for those that did respond regardless, that I could never find the words to tell. Even when I was the "other", I couldn't find the words that wouldn't make me look or sound jealous and vengeful. I wouldn't hurt someone in that way. If they've done something to me, I'd tell them how I felt about that. But in a situation of me being with their SO, I couldn't do it. I wouldn't do it. I just don't kiss and tell. After a few experiences of telling my GF I have to agree with you. I will not say "never" because like anything in life, we are sometimes put in the position again. I do feel it depends on the "type" of personality one is dealing with. Some do want to take the bull by the horns and deal with it no matter how much pain they know they will feel. I was one of those people. I didn't only "want" to know I "needed" to know. I went through a tremendous amount of pain, however my personality is resilient and I know I will eventually get throught the pain and be able to move on. For me, if I was put into the position with a GF again, I would definately have to assess her personality type. I do believe we know our GF's well. At least I do. Having said this, I would keep the conversation casual for the most part and touch on her feelings of her marriage. I would then ask her "would you want to know if your H is cheating" and see how it went from there. It definately would be in baby steps and I would then make my decision from there. Today, I wouldn't want to tell, but one never knows what the tomorrows will bring. I choose not to say "never".
silktricks Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 . I would then ask her "would you want to know if your H is cheating" and see how it went from there. As you said earlier, one would truly need to know the person and assess the difference between their statement that they'd want to know (as most people will say they do, I think) and the reality of how they would react to the person who actually told them. It's pretty easy to lose a friend in this situation - no matter what you do, or don't do.
stillafool Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 I can't even understand why one would even fantasize about telling the W. That would be my biggest nightmare that the W would find out. Except for Popey's situation, I can't understand what the big attraction is for the OW telling the W. What would you get out of it? Wouldn't you be afraid of getting your a$$ kicked? If I were an OW and loved my MM I would surely feel that I would lose him if I told his W.
Recommended Posts