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Posted

Ok, here goes. I've been peeking at this site for a few weeks now, been replying to other posts, and I feel comfortable enough to post my own topic in the hopes of getting a sane view on my problem.

 

My problem is my husband's porn collection. I have read some other posts here and they truly make me feel like I'm not alone here.

 

Anyway, to start off the story/cry for help, I had a very emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend who would rather watch porn than have the real thing. At first, I feel like I reacted normally to the situation by rationalizing "he's a guy, all guys do this". Well, his sexual neglect and attacks on my self-confidence really affected me in ways I'm only now beginning to understand. This was a few years ago, and since then I've gotten married.

 

When I first found out that my husband downloads this filth, I tried to again talk myself out of my hatred of the material. Unfortunately it was too late. These feelings of deep hurt, betrayal, humiliation, insecurity, rejection, undesirableness...etc have remained with me, and will probably remain forever.

 

We have a small apartment with our two computers networked in the bedroom. A week or so ago, I walked into the bedroom to talk to him. He had the nastiest site on his computer. I was stunned. Last time I had caught him doing this, he promised he would stop. I went for a walk for an hour or so to try to calm down. All the feelings that I had in my earlier relationship came pouring back in. That night, I refused to talk to him and he refused to sleep with me, stating he didn't want me to have to sleep with a sicko.

 

Anyway, I wrote him a long letter a few days after that telling him exactly how I feel about his porn habits. I was very collected and level headed when I was writing this. I told him that the best thing would be for him to not download anymore or look at anymore. I also told him I understand its something guys do, and I've been trying to bury my bad feelings about the whole subject. If he's going to do it, do it where I couldn't possibly find out.

 

Well he just said a few days ago he's still thinking about what I wrote to him. Guys, it's getting to the point where I'll check on him on his computer every 5 minutes. I feel totally uncomfortable in our own bedroom when he's on his computer, and I dread hearing his PC even booting up. I'll scan the HBO channels ahead of time to check when the adult movies are going to be on so I can make sure we watch something else. I know where his stash of VCR tapes are and I check to see that they are not moved.

I know he has CD's with movies and pictures and God knows what else. I know he has reams of printed XXX pictures.

 

I know that I probably need therapy or something for this obsession I have with porn. And that's what it is, an obsession.

My problem is I simply cannot express my feelings about just about anything. That's why I wrote the letter. It's something that started with my ex, where I was better off keeping my mouth shut and running away from the situations. The problem is, right now I don't have a job, so I don't have medical insurance to talk to someone professional. My company laid everyone off back in December, and the economy is bad around here.

 

I guess that is why I came here, to see if anyone else could offer me some insight/help/a cyber shoulder to cry on. I could write pages and pages of stuff on the subject, but I'll give everyone's eyes a rest. I appreciate any forthcoming comments and suggestions.

Posted

You aren't the one with the obsession, he is. Your reaction is natural and may be an indication that your relationship has been destroyed. You can no longer trust your partner to stay away from the porn.

 

Asking a pornography addict to stop looking at porn is like asking a stop light to stop turning green. HE is the one in dire need of counselling but it's not likely he will seek it until this addiction so severely debilitates his life that he is forced to.

 

Instead of me going into a lot of details here, go to a good search engine like: http://www.google.com and enter the terms "addiction to pornography" or "pornography addiction." You will find hundreds of sites with excellent information on the topic. You will get insight into his problem and you will understand fully the process of getting treatment for your boyfriend...if he wants it.

 

It may very well be that his addiction is harmless...that he just likes to look at dirty pictures. However, if this affects your sex life in adverse ways or has a very negative effect on the relationship...as it does now...then it is a serious situation.

 

Review the information from the websites you deem most authoritative and take the action you need to take. I know your financial resources are tight right now, but my advice to you would be to get away from this guy at your earliest opportunity. The bond of trust has been broken and unless you are willing to work together with him to restore it...and unless you can trust his word to stop this foolishness....the prognosis for your relationship with him is very bad.

 

You simply cannot continue living in this high state of vigilance and I see no way he can get through this addiction without some heavy duty psychotherapy.

  • Author
Posted

Thank you for your input. Unfortunately, leaving him is not an option at this point. I believe marriage is for life, but I also believe in looking out for my own sanity. Perhaps he is set in his ways, being older (I'm 22, he's 33) and cannot change. In that case and most assuredly if he takes it to the next level of cybersex or cheating, I will consider seperation or something more drastic.

 

Other than the fact he views porn, he is a wonderful man who has done much for me in boosting my self-confidence and helping me through many issues that came around because of my past abusive relationship. I don't want to endanger a wonderful marriage just because I have a porn-phobia.

 

And our sex life is great. I won't go into details or anything here, but let me just say, he has a hard time keeping up with me!

 

I trust him in every other aspect, but this. And for the record, I would just like to state that I did not and do not snoop or paw through his stuff and PC to find this. For example, I had to use his PC to print something and Grokster was on the screen when I turned the monitor on. He had a huge list of downloaded stuff there. And I found his pictures in a drawer when I was looking for his Windows 98 disk. Innocent stuff like that.

 

Personally, I think I'm just overreacting to the whole issue, but with all the b*llsh*t I went through in the previous relationship, it makes it hard to be more understanding. My head tells me this is just something that guys do, but it's my heart that tells me the other emotions. I've been trying to get the heart to listen to the head, but...no luck.

 

I will just have to see how things go the next few weeks, months, whatever. I am handling it day by day, and most days I am able to be genuinely happy, affectionate etc. It does feel good to get everything off my chest instead of bottling it up.

Posted

Have you told him about your previous relationship and how porn was a factor in making you feel less desirable? Maybe if he truly sees how bad it hurts you, he'll take that into account. In all honesty, he probably doesn't think it's as big of a deal as you are making it out to be. That's why you need to tell him.

 

People are CONSTANTLY changing. 33 is NOT old. He is not too old to change. Pornography can develop into a serious addiction, that spirals downward. It's a serious issue if it's not kept in check.

 

You two should sit down and have a heart to heart. Marriage is about compromise. Both of you should sit down with a clear head and heart and try to come to an agreement that you both think is fair.

 

And DEFINATELY take Tony's advice about the search.

Posted

As a guy... I once had a problem with porn. It almost cost me my marriage. Personally my problem was that I wasn't getting anywhere with my wife. She tells me she wants to have sex, just not with me. Examine your relationship. If you are being the loving signifigant other you should be the guy needs a wake up call. If he respects you he will kick the habit, and maybe even seek therapy like I did. If he isn't willing to kick the habit, go find someone who loves you for you and lose the loser.

  • Author
Posted

Thank you for your replies. I was very anguished when I posted my first reply. It seems I get very depressed about this matter and there are valleys and peaks where I feel really bad and really good. While writing the first post I felt really low.

 

Other than the porn he's a great guy. I feel as if I have left over issues that need to be worked out with the help of unbiased people. Because I cannot afford to go into the mental health clinic right now, it's good to know I can come here and read opinions on the matter.

 

After I wrote him the letter explaining everything, as far as I know he hasn't done anything. That was about 2 weeks ago. I haven't bothered him about it because even though it is something that deeply affects me, he needs to be the one to change his habits without my nagging him. If I keep hounding him, he will feel pressured and resentful I think.

 

I did do a Google search for porn addiction and found quite a bit of information. It's gonna sound funny, but just knowing that I'm not the only person out there with this problem makes me feel a little better. In my previous relationship, I went through extremes like becoming almost anorexic trying to lose weight, even though I certainly didn't need to and then just not giving a fig WHAT I looked like. It sounds like this is not unusual for women to do. I'm determined not to do that again.

 

ognosticone, I'm truly glad you were able to get help. I appreciate your point of view because you were on the other end of the deal.

Posted

I understand that divorce is not an option for you. I personally don't think that you are over reacting. I have mixed views on porn and I've been through what you are going through.

 

First let me start by saying, I'm not opposed to a guy looking at porn or even using it as an aid in self gratification. From time to time, I'd even enjoy being involved in viewing it as a way of spicing things up.

 

Addiction is an entierly different thing. I dated a guy for a VERY long time that was addicted. I'm not saying you should leave him... and I'm not saying that your situation will turn out the way mine did but I'll share my experience with you.

 

My BF used to order playboy mags and look at nude pictures which never bothered me. We had a healthy sex life and I felt that it was not interfering in our relationship. Over time, the nude body didn't do it for him, so he took it up a notch... looked at still pix of a guy and a girl. Cool, well eventually that was not enough. He started looking at still pix of pretty nasty stuff, which turned into movies and videos and downloaded clips from the net. The content started getting worse and worse, where the actors were acting out rapes and gang bangs (I thought, well it's just acting so who really cares). Well the obsession/addiction was becoming harder to appease. It turned into major child porn... I'm talking illegal stuff... not the barely legal sites... It really started to affect our sex life, he would much prefer to take care of business than have sex with me. When we did have sex, it was like he was acting out these rape scenes he'd watched.

 

I don't mind some rough sex here and there, but this became bordeline abusive... and having sex with him made me feel terrible. I also don't mind a bit of role playing, but this was not role play, he was somewhere else.

 

Well, that turned into going to strip clubs, then getting lap dances, and then finally paying strippers for sex or other sexual favors... and then on to other types of paid services.

 

I tried my best to bite my tongue and just push past it all... thinking porn is not too bad, at least it's just pictures. Then well, strip clubs are not that bad so long as he does not get a lap dance, then onto lap dances are not soo bad, at least he's not kissing them, and so on. I actually let my morals and values go to the point... I was degrading myself, loosing more and more self respect... not wanting to loose him to the point I was willing to put up with ANYTHING and push past it.

 

I finally walked away, realizing that I don't have to put up with it... I deserve better than what I've got and if he's not willing to fix it then I'm out. It was a waste of almost 6 years of my life, but I've recovered nicely.

 

My point is viewing porn on an occasional basis I personally don't frown upon, being completely addicted to the point it starts controlling your life is an entierly different story. The child porn is what really did a number on my head, I did not trust leaving my young siblings alone with him, nor would I have trusted having kids with him. By the sounds of it, you're not dealing with a healthy man that enjoys a bit of visual aids from time to time... You do what you need to do, but keep in mind this has NOTHING to do with you, your appearance, your performance... this has to do with him ONLY. Don't compromise your self for him... don't sell yourself short, don't buy into the I can't get better... every guy out there is the same and it's just my reactions to it...

 

I wish you the best and I hope your situation has a happier ending than mine did.

Posted

My own feelings - I won't allow porn in the house. My husband knows this and we have wrangled over it early on in our marriage. I found porn magazines and movies and I told him that I would not tolerate it. It made me feel unclean just knowing it was around. Just having it is totally disrespecting me and it hurt me. I reminded him that he promised not to hurt me. He said okay.

 

I found porn again some time after that. I repeated my feelings to him, especially in light of our own sex life (or lack of one), and that I felt if he needed porn then he didn't need me, and I need to be needed.

 

I spent many days and nights crying. Divorce was out of the question for me too. I loved him and neither of us could survive financially then - we needed to combine what little we had. (we ended up living out of a '73 VW bug for a while) and I did all the things you said. I told myself that porn was normal for guys to look at. It was no big deal. I knew he wasn't comparing me to the women in the porn - it wasn't "that" that I was feeling - not insecure like that. But it was beyond disrespectful. It was a slap in the face of our love. I felt (and still do feel) that if he loved me he wouldn't need that. It made me feel totally undesirable, unwanted, unnecessary.

 

It did finally come down to a choice of the porn or me. We got some counseling together (for many problems, not just porn) and the porn was history.

 

It did surface many years later when we were having some problems. He bought a DVD and looked to porn for solace I guess. I found it tucked in a drawer. It took a few weeks for me to be able to let go and work thru it (I'm like a bulldog with my teeth in a fresh bone sometimes -- I have a hard time letting go and sometimes have to be pried off the bone) :)

 

You are not alone. You may want to call a United Way near you and find out if they have some free counseling. Or maybe a church. You both need to go. The obsession is his and you two need to find out why, and find a compromise. It's not about fixing him so he just doesn't do it, or fixing you so you accept it.

 

Good luck with this.

Posted

I like you, Hokey, but I fear you'll think rather badly of me if you read this. Pookey, I'm with Guest on this one; it's one thing to check out some racy stuff and quite another to be addicted. I didn't catch whether you think your guy is addicted or just interested.

 

I have to say that I did look at some of the stuff just to see what all the fuss was about. I found, to my amazement, that I learned quite a bit. I like stories best, actually, so it's not much different from buying 'romance' novels. What I discovered in reading stories was how much men love women's bodies of all shapes and sizes, and that lots of men really do love to do all sorts of things to please their partners. I learned quite a few things which surprised me and helped me be a lot more comfortable with myself and my partner.

 

I suppose it's possible that the folks who write the stories might be more open to some things than others but all in all I found a lot of helpful stuff and got some ideas which - um - let's say were appreciated. Yes, people can find all sorts of very sick and wierd stuff and I have a theory that if you surf this stuff one-handed, you could 'pattern' yourself into liking it but I don't think every person is susceptible to becoming interested in that stuff.

 

You had a very bad experience with someone else and I know how the 'slippery slope' theory can worry one, but if your current fellow is not into very wierd stuff, and if your relationship in the sack and out is great, then maybe it's not the worst thing in the world.

 

There are also such things as fantasies that people think about and might want to look at pictures of, but that they would never want to carry out. Nancy Friday wrote books about men's and women's fantasies and it was a fascinating read.

 

Could you negotiate some sort of agreement with him that wouldn't have him give it up entirely but would help you be more comfortable with him doing it within certain limits?

  • Author
Posted

Thank you three for your replies.

 

I've tried conditioning myself, so to speak, by reading or downloading the stuff when I could. I've watched his VCR tapes he has. It either is going to take more time, or I just won't be able to handle it anymore.

 

I haven't gone into his computer because I know too much about computers. I know I would find God knows how many gigs of hard drive devoted to the stuff. One thing that does bother me though is I had to use his computer one morning to print something off. This was before I had my own printer. His pc was on, but the monitor was off. When I turned the monitor on, he had Grokster up with a search for teen sex showing. I don't know if they are 18 + or what. The first thing that popped into my head is "Aren't I young enough for him?"

 

The only thing I really know is that I definitely am going to get counseling for this problem and possibly depression. Maybe if I get my past taken care of, I won't have a problem in the future.

Posted

The 'teen sex' thing could be a bad sign; however those sites usually have much older people dressed like young'uns. I read the other day that there is a coalition of adult web sites that monitors other adult web sites to make sure underage teens aren't being used. I think they even have a logo they put on their sites. You might want to talk to him about it and find out whether he's into real teens or whether he just likes the fake ones. If the former, then you do begin to have cause for worry.

  • 9 months later...
Posted

When I first found out that my boyfriend was looking at porn, I hated the thought of it, and I threatened to break things off. I found out later that he still went on looking at it, but I didnt really want to break up with him over it.

 

After a year or so, we started looking at it together, which i enjoy because its something that we can do together. I've asked him not to look at it by himself and he still does. He doesnt want to stop, but he says that he will try to do it for me.

 

He doesnt lie to me about it when i ask him if he has looked at it. I still get so mad when I find out, my blood boils and my heart sinks. He hasnt even stopped after he has seen how hurt I get and how much I cry.

 

Why do I get so mad at him when he looks at it by himself, but I can enjoy looking at porn with him? Am I being unfair to him by asking that he not look at it alone?

 

Please Help!

Posted

Piped in porn!!! hell yeah. As a guy I can tell you a few things about it. Alot of guys start

out with porn because there young and horny there not gettin any and porn is the next best thing.

 

This was the case with me. I learned to use porn as a method of stimulation

from an early age. from an impressionable age. When I did get better at finding girl friends porn was always still there for those times when they weren't around which was often for a young guy with burning desire. But it didn't mean that I wanted alot of different women I always want to find mrs right.

 

With my first marriage my wife didn't like the porn. yes the porn was still there we had a great sex life then a good sex life then no sex life. maybe the porn had somthing to do with it but there where alot of other porblems to. In the end I relied on the porn alot

for stimulation.

 

Now on my second marriage. I have had times were porn is a problem for my wife and I have had times where she has said it didn't bothere her at all. but I think it does and I think it has caused problems in this marriage. And I think to myself that I have been to dependent on it. And I think I may have lost love from this thing that I learned to rely on

at an early age. One thing I never got from porn was an emotional bond. And thats the

one thing I desire most right now. Hope this helps.

Posted
Originally posted by ImagineThat

One thing I never got from porn was an emotional bond. And thats the

one thing I desire most right now.

 

I sincerely wish that every woman on earth could read that.

Posted

Why do some of you people think that porn is the devil? Ugh.. Its not. Used in the right way it could be beneficial for both mates. I don't understand what the big deal about seeing someone getting fcked on a screen. You aren't there, you aren't touching the person. Since some of you women now control your men's viewing habits, guess what now.. You are going to have to control their thoughts too. Because I know for sure that if he's not seeing it, he'll be thinking about it. Oh boy, I bet that's gotcha scared now, huh? Its true though. You shouldn't have to make a person change who they are. Yes there are limits, but to say 'No you can't do this, etc..' is wrong.

 

Marriage doesn't mean you own them.

 

Trying sharing something like this with your mate. Its a great way to get ideas, and to spice things up.

Posted

FACT: if women were as obsessed with huge penises as men are with porn, this board would be full of posts from men writing "my wife/girlfriend doesn't think I'm good enough! she'd rather masturbate looking at men with big penises than be with me. My self esteem is gone. Please help!!"

 

Defend it all you want - porn is degrading to women*. PERIOD.

 

*(this does not mean that some women don't find it to be a turn on - it can still put women in a degrading position and be a turn on to some.)

Posted
Originally posted by FreeMe

FACT: if women were as obsessed with huge penises as men are with porn, this board would be full of posts from men writing "my wife/girlfriend doesn't think I'm good enough!

 

That, by it's very nature, is an opinion. Additionally, it's a terrible analogy, because it's not that men are obsessed with porn, it's that women think they are. So if men flooded the forums with true delusions of inadequacy, the advice would still be the same. Would we suggest crusading against all well-endowed men? No, we'd tell the man to get over it. So, analogously, get over it.

 

it can still put women in a degrading position and be a turn on to some

 

Note that porn doesn't PUT women in a degrading position, the women who star in the porn put themselves there, because that's their vocation, it was their choice to become an adult entertainer.

Posted

I have not read the other replies yet.... BUT THIS OUTRAGES ME!!!!!! When did it become so ok to look at porn that we actually have to say that this might be an obsession or pet peeve or whatever. My question is ..... if there is that much porn..... when is that not going to be enough.

Posted
Originally posted by katydid

I have not read the other replies yet.... BUT THIS OUTRAGES ME!!!!!! When did it become so ok to look at porn that we actually have to say that this might be an obsession or pet peeve or whatever.

 

Hmm, perhaps when we grew up as a society and became just a wee bit less repressive about our sexuality?

  • 4 months later...
Posted

i think men get bored of one woman with time eventually, and then they look for newer ones, maybe the porn addicted guy is better, since he wants to stay with his wife, and still be satisfied

its just an opinion,

also, i dont understand why men are expected to be so 'loyal' always when their nature is opposed to it

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