bookworm07 Posted August 23, 2007 Posted August 23, 2007 I am 24 years old and have been married for nearly five years now. My husband is a soldier and during our marriage, was deployed to Iraq for a full year. Before and after he came home, we had lots of problems that we tried to work through. He is extremely irresponsible financially and often emotionally/verbally abusive with potential for being physically abusive as well. He is not always that way, which gives me hope for a while, but it never lasts. I see the dark side much more often than I see the good side. This got even worse after he got home from Iraq. He has been home for almost 2 years now, and I still have not seen signs that our relationship is improving. I tried to convince him to go to counseling together, but he insisted that we only talk to each other. This never worked because without a mediator, he will not fight fair. He knows exactly how to manipulate me and I always find myself giving in to whatever he wants just so the fight will end. I think during our time apart and in the following years, both of us have grown a lot--but in different directions. Many of the things we started out with have changed and barely a day goes by that we haven't fought about something. I have wanted out of our relationship for over a year now. I didn't tell him until very recently, which was very bad, I know, but I was really scared of hurting him and could never bring myself to be completely honest with him about how I was feeling. I was also scared of what the repercussions would be and feel like ever since he has come home, I have been walking on eggshells around him. A couple of months ago, I nerved up and was brutally honest with him and told him I wanted out. He got extremely emotional and upset and it has been a roller-coaster since then. We have agreed (finally) to go to counselling together...but I feel like it's too little too late. To be honest, I'm not really interested in fixing things, I'd rather get a divorce. I love him and care for him deeply, but have no desire to be his wife anymore. Now he calls me constantly and says he's sorry, that he can change, that he'll try harder and that we can make things work...but I don't believe him. We have been separated for over two months now and I feel so much happier and relieved being by myself. I just don't know if I should try and make things work, which I feel would be just to make him happy--or look at filing for divorce.
GreenEyedLady Posted August 23, 2007 Posted August 23, 2007 Well, what do you want to do? Do you have children or assets? If you have neither, you might be able to file an annullment...(I'm not sure about it, something to check into)... And if you want to end the M, then end it...no use staying married and cheating or making both your lives miserable... Do what you need to do...
quankanne Posted August 23, 2007 Posted August 23, 2007 We have been separated for over two months now and I feel so much happier and relieved being by myself. I just don't know if I should try and make things work, which I feel would be just to make him happy--or look at filing for divorce. if you're in a safe place, and you feel comfortable about not doing anything just yet, don't immediately file for a divorce. Not because you're trying to give hiim false hope, but because this might be the best way for the both of you to continue counselling (hopefully this includes individual counselling). Because it sounds like you both need access to the kinds of tools you'll get in therapy, especially him with his experiences in Iraq. It might also help the both of you to adjust better when you DO file for divorce, and he sees that he can survive being single and that you're each in a happier place because of it. just my two cents ...
LakesideDream Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 The pressure of being a "soldier" (Army? Marine?) whether during training or deployment is something that someone who hasn't served often cannot understand. I can tell you from personal experiance that during basic training, and more advanced training the pressure to learn the skills needed to survive in a combat situation is intense. More intense than anything a young person has previously experianced, and often verges on overwhelming. The intensity of the pressure while deployed and either exposed to, or a participatant in actual combat is literally more than a civilian can imagine. For instance think of yourself and three girlfriends sitting at a table at the food court in your local mall.. or in an outdoor cafe. Suddenly there is a blinding flash, a roar so loud that you realize you cannot hear a thing... oh and one of your friends has been shredded, limbs missing, their gore spread all over the table, you and your surviving friends. That's how it happens. How much emotion would you have for your family after that? It takes time, often a few years to wind down and decompress from combat. I suggest you consider this when making the decision to leave your husband. The man is a hero, he stood on the edge and defended all of us, you his wife.. both your families, the neighbors, the citizens that hate him for being a "baby killer", even the fat old man writing this. He deserves more understanding and compassion than most people your ages possess. Try and live up to the responsibility of being a soldiers wife... please. Walk softly, likely you are in the presense of greatness and don't even know it.
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