Strange situation.

[Oddgirl]

I apologize in advance if this post turns out to be too long. My situation is a strange, convoluted, complicated tale and I don't want anyone giving me advice until they know the entire situation. Here are the bare bones to begin with. I am married, and have been with my husband since I was 15, we've been married for ten years, but together for almost 21 years. We do not have children and he has a serious heart condition which could significantly shorten his life. Because of that, we both decided that I needed to return to school to obtain an education, so that I will be able to support myself if he passes away. I have been going to school in a town about an hour and a half away from the home that he and I share. I have to stay in the town where I go to school, during the week, and only get to see my husband on the weekends. We've been living this way going on three years now. Sometimes, because my degree program is so difficult, I don't see him for weeks at time because I have to stay during the weekends to accomplish my schoolwork. A couple of years ago, I met a guy (who is 12 years my junior) in one of my classes, lets call him Dale. He and I quickly became friends. My husband knows all about Dale, and likes him as much as I do. Because Dale was a struggling student, just as I was, the three of us (me, my husband, and Dale) decided that it would be a good idea for Dale and I to move in together, to share rent, and lessen the expenses of school. Last year, I shared a house with Dale and his little brother, David. My husband would frequently come over to our house, to stay during the weekends if I couldn't come home. I have always told my husband everything that Dale and I do together. Dale and I have never done anything that could be even remotely construed as adulterous, but we have always been friends, in a strange sort of way. My husband knows I love Dale, I've never hidden that fact. He just thinks that I love Dale like family. What neither of them realize is that I have been madly in love with Dale for about 2 years now. I have NEVER told either one of them my true feelings. I have also never done anything with Dale, beyond hugging him, or kissing him on the cheek (which I did in front of my husband). I've tried so hard to be a good wife, but unfortunately, I'm finding it almost impossible to accomplish this as time goes by. Over the past year, things have changed between all three of us. My husband and I have had an inordinately rocky time with our marriage. He's sick, I can't be home all the time to take care of him (nor does he want me to be, he would prefer me to be at school, he wants me to obtain my degree more than anything), he's unhappy with his job, and we've lost the ability to communicate effectively with each other, probably due to our extended separation. We get mad at each other a lot, and hurt each other's feelings. It's been so bad lately, that I dread our daily phone calls to each other. Dale and I, on the other hand, have had a very strange relationship. I've been getting very subtle vibes from him, that he's feeling more romantically inclined towards me. The things he's been doing are so subtle, I often wonder if I'm imagining things, and I usually ignore him when I pick up on his vibes. Dale is hideously intelligent, and though he treats me like a friend, I don't doubt for a second that he knows how I really feel about him. I often wonder if he and I aren't having feelings for each other, but are ignoring them totally, like there's a big old elephant in the room that no one is looking at. It's caused me to have some strange, sleepless nights. Dale is very dedicated to his family, and would never have compromised himself in front of his little brother, with a married woman. He has always strove to set a good example for David. Oh, it should also be mentioned that I know Dale's whole family. They seem to like me, and they seem to approve of our strange living arrangement. Dale also has a girlfriend whom he's been dating for about 5 months. I know her very well because she's stayed at our house all summer, and I am getting to like her, though I am constantly having to swallow down massive amounts of jealousy because of her. Here's the twist. David, the littlest brother, has moved out of our house. Which means that Dale and I will be living ALONE together for the next year. His girlfriend admitted to me today that she's not going to be spending as much time over here as she has been all summer long. Which means that Dale and I will be alone together constantly!! I am terrified. I honestly do want to be a good wife. My husband has never fully "satisified" me, but he's a sweet man who wouldn't hurt a fly. He's also sick, as I mentioned earlier. His condition is not serious right now, but it could be in several years. I have been in love with Dale for so long, that I have become obsessed. It has warped my mind. I have never told anyone how I feel, and have instead kept it all bottled up. I'm afraid I've permanently damaged myself in doing so. It seems as though I have become bitter, unhappy, and demoralized because of my feelings. I'm also suffering from massive amounts of guilt. Though I've never had any sort of physical relationship with Dale, I have fantasized about him daily for the past two years. I honestly don't know what to do. I admit, though I am horribly ashamed to do so, that I am excited that David has moved out. I am interested in seeing what will happen between us. At the same time, I am intelligent enough to know that these are only my emotions/hormones talking. I also realize that any sort of relationship with him would be disastrous. I would be so riddled with guilt that I wouldn't be able to function. My feelings for him are so strong, though. I never told anyone about them because I thought they would eventually dissipate, and I could chalk this whole thing off as a simple crush. But it's been two years, and this IS NOT a crush. What do I do? Do I continue to keep my feelings bottled up, though it has become such a burden for me that it is hurting me? Do I admit to the two of them how I really feel, though I could lose both my best friend and husband, just because of how I FEEL, and not because of something I've physically DONE? Do I have a secret, clandestine affair, hoping that it will satisfy the cravings I've had for so long, causing my feelings for Dale to disappear? I genuinely do love both of these men, each in their own way. The two of them together are the two most important people in my life. I've never been so terrified in my life. I don't want to ruin anyone's lives, including my own. I don't want to lose them. I don't know what to do, and I don't know how much longer I can stand loving Dale without him returning my love. I don't know if I can stand being in an unhappy marriage. I don't know if I can leave my sick husband, either. What if I leave him, and he never finds anyone else? He will surely die alone, and that is a fate that is too cruel for me to contemplate. Someone please help me.

[Poboy]

if you love your husband and want the marriage to survive , you shouldnt live with this guy. it sounds like you really want a relationship with this guy. any wrong move and things can get out of hand.

 

in the end , its more of what you want ... your husband & marriage or the other guy which may or may not happen if he is not intrested. if a guy was intrested , he would have made a move or given a strong indication in all this time that he is intrested in something. he already has a girlfriend and if that relationship is strong and he is honest , he will not cheat. had he not been in a relationship , then it would be different.

 

according to me , you should move out and find a new place in due time. as no one has made any moves till now , its better to get out now. make a good excuse which will not bring doubts in you husband and friends mind as to why you are moving out and start it over with your husband. work on the marriage with him and try to work things out ... you are doing all this studies , college , staying away from the husband for your own future. and ruining everything & future because of this very thing is not smart. build a balanced life of college and family time and dont ignore either. do the right thing according to you.

 

 

good luck.

[Trimmer]

Oddgirl - first off, please organize your posts into paragraphs - I made it through but my eyes are burning, and I almost didn't want to read it at first...

 

All I can say is that having a secret, clandestine affair may temporarily satisfy those cravings, but whether it will cause your feelings for your school friend to disappear is more questionable, and it is almost guaranteed to bring along an additional world of hurt, guilt, and all kinds of other very negative stuff. If you want to see the kind of pain and grief that people go through, go over to the Infidelity or the Other Man/Woman boards on here and browse through some of the stories. The overwhelming majority are filled with regret, remorse, guilt, anger, grief, devastation, etc. on all sides. Trust me, choosing to have the affair (and this includes "letting it happen" - be honest with yourself...) will not have a positive effect on your life.

 

I think that continuing to live with your friend will only continue to be an irritant - or an enticement, depending on how you look at it. You need to commit to a course of action here. If you decide to commit to your marriage, continuing to live with your friend will not work - it will be a constant stressor, and especially when you add school and marital stress on top of that, you may eventually find yourself "giving in", convincing yourself that it "just happened." Don't fool yourself; be honest: if it happens, you will have chosen it, and you'd better be ready to take full responsibility for it and it's disasterous consequences.

 

Out of curiosity: I realize that the rocky time in your marriage seems to correlate with your time at school, but do you recognize that it also corresponds with your friendship with your young schoolmate?

 

My suggestion: plan for your future, but don't treat your marriage like it is ending, and don't treat your husband like he's dying. What would you do if he were strong and healthy, and had encouraged you to go out and get an education? Wouldn't you still be looking forward to getting back to your life together after graduation, and wouldn't you want to work on the problems that you perceive now, to give yourself the best chance for that future life to be a good one?

 

I say make new living plans for this year (after 3 years so far, will this be your senior year?) and find a counselor who can help you unload and work through these feelings and thoughts.

 

So far you have had understandable feelings of attraction, and both you and your friend have avoided acting on them. Good for you. Now decide what you are going to do next to keep your life going in a positive direction, and take action to make that work.

 

Good luck. Keep being honest with yourself. And use paragraphs.

[ftheunion]

Ok, sorry if it makes u mad, but this is a masculine explanation. Biology is urging you for this other guy, who is in good health. Natural Selection killed off guys like your husband, and will continue to. Females don't want sickly weaklings. I'm sure he is better and stronger that I am, and he cares about YOU. That is why he wants you to go and do good for yourself. He knows he might go into the ground, and doesn't want to drag you down (mentally) with him.

 

Love is a choice, not a feeling. He is choosing to support and care about you and nobody else. I'm not sayin ur guilty, just that you are attracted to another guy. I heard that feeling can last up to 7 years. Biology should urge you to have kids eventually. Subconciously you might be looking for another male, one to have a more acommodating and normal relationship.