guinea01 Posted August 23, 2007 Posted August 23, 2007 Heya everyone, I've been dying to write a thread on here for the past 2 months, but it wouldn't let me! Obviously it is now Now let me tell you a story, familiar to some, hopefully as confusing to others as it is to me! From 14 til 18 I was with this guy, J. We were young and we had a lot of dramas (as you do), but we couldnt seem to break up and leave each other alone. He was my first love, and it was very intense and rather dysfunctional. The end of the relationship finally happened when I pushed for it, and we mutually decided it was best. We were both with other people very soon after that. Even though we were both in relationships with other people in the few years following, he would always try and instigate something when we ended up at the same parties etc. The last time I had been somewhat intimate with him was when I was 21. During the last 5 or so years, he has had a child with someone and had moved down south, and Ive been in a LTR, but he always tried to contact me every couple of years, even though my friends wouldnt tell him my number or where I lived. (they wouldnt tell him because they knew how much I still felt for him and how long it took me to get over it the first time!) So fast forward to October last year. (I was 26, he was 28). I caught up with my old friends, as I had moved closer to the area I grew up in. One day I was chatting to my mate on MSN (who is married to J's cousin - we all used to hang out together in the "old days"), and she said that J was back in town and asking about me. He was telling anyone who would listen that he regrets how he treated me soo much, and that he always thought about me and still loved me. I can't even begin to tell you guys how shocking this was. I still loved this guy after all this time, and had always hoped that one day we would find our way back to each other. But I was wary, because I wasnt sure if he had changed, or if he was serious. I went down to stay with my friends, J kept telling them all of the above mentioned things, so I got brave and told her to give him my number. Over the next few weeks we chatted, and then I decided to meet up with him. It was amazing when we did. I felt 16 again, and those feelings that never really died all came back. I was still unsure, but he was so persistent. He constantly told me that he wouldnt hurt me like that again, and how he would prove that he's changed, and how much he wanted to be with me. So I took the second chance I had always hoped for. I lived about a 50 min drive away from where he lived. We discussed taking it slow, but he was anything but slow! He was always texting and calling, telling me that we were meant to be, and that he missed me so much it hurt etc wanting to come and stay, even though he used to have to get up at 5am to get back home in time for work. It was awesome, he was everything I had hoped for. The total perfect bf. He introduced me to all his friends saying how he wanted to show me off etc even his boss. They all said that he talked about me so much and how serious it must be. Even his family said that they hadnt seen him like this before.He talked about moving up my way, constantly talked about our future, marriage etc. The only thing that was a strain inour relationship was my friendship with a guy I had known strictly as mates for a few years. J would always ask if it was my "boyfriend" textng me when my phone went, and make snide comments about this friend. But I always told J that there was nothing in it, and that I wanted to be with him! In May he started having financial issues because the work hours dried up, and he wasnt making enough money to live on. He got a bit stressed but said he was looking for other jobs closer to me. In June I went down to stay with him, the night before he had been texting me how much he loved me and missed me and how he hoped I was the girl of his life (He started with the L word about 2 months after we got back together). When I got there it was all wrong, he was distant and akward. He tells me that he doesnt want to hurt me, but that he is moving back down south because he got offered a fantastic job. I didnt know what to say. He didnt properly break up with me that night, and when I asked him if I still had a bf he said yes, and that we would work something out. But that night I stayed and it was the first time ever that he just turned away and went to sleep. I dont want to dredge up everything thats happened in the last 2.5 months as it kills me so much, he didnt end up going til last week, but we have been broken up since the week after he first told me he was going. Since we broke up we have been in constant contact, I begged etc but he just didnt want to hear it. I told him that I loved him (first time), and how I always felt he was the one for me, and he agreed?? The reasons he gave me for dumping me changed from the job, to not being able to handle my friendship with that guy, and being an hours drive away from me. He would txt constantly, everyday, and ask me if I missed him, If id been sleeping with anyone else, saying hes not happy now, and that he was happy with me and then all these dirty texts about how he missed doing things to me etc. He would ask if he could come and see me, sometimes Id say yes, but he wouldnt turn up, but most times Id say no and he would keep begging and begging. The last time I had a talk with him about why he dumped me, I got mad as hell and just asked for the real reason. He said he didnt want to break up with me, that he didnt know he was going to, and that he was just scared as hell he was going to lose a good thing, because he always fu*ks up everything, and it was just a matter of time before he fu*ked it up with me. He said he didnt know what to do, and everytime I asked him to just make his mind up and be final, he wouldnt. So anyway, He left last week. He made a big carry on about how he needed to see me before he left, and how it would be the last time we would see each other. He said he misses me now, and would miss me a heap when he moved and how I am so important to him etc. The night before he was moving away, he txtd me to ask if i still wanted him to come see me, and I never got the txt! It lagged 3 hours later! I replied back and told him that I did, it was 1230am, but he said he would be down in an hour or so. And he never showed up. I didnt think my heart could break any further, but the next morning when I woke up and realised he never came, it did. The past few months have been total hell, I almost failed my last year of my degree, I cry all the time, I didnt sleep for a week and lost 10kgs (I think thats about 20 pounds). I totally believed him when he came on so strong, I thought that this was my fairytale ending after years of loving him. Im battling with myself to not contact him, there has been no contact at all between us since the night before he left (so about 8 days now). I dont know what the general consensus is, but christ it hurts so much worse the second time around!
Author guinea01 Posted August 23, 2007 Author Posted August 23, 2007 Well I guess it was too much of a novel for anyone to read! Shame though, I had been dying to get you fullas insightful comments on this
Tony T Posted August 23, 2007 Posted August 23, 2007 You need to give up on this guy. It just wasn't meant to be. The guy has clearly moved on and when he's near you all he wants to do is play you like a fiddle for the duration of his visit...and then get on back to his life. HE SIMPLY DESIRES TO USE YOU WHEN HE CAN!!! I hate to be cruel but somebody has got to give you some honesty here. Now, for the record, second chances rarely succeed. The reasons for a breakup rarely magically disappear. There was a very good reason the two of you stopped seeing each other and that reason obviously still exists. He may not even know the reason but if he did it's not likely he'd be honest with you given he still wants to leave the door open for sexual escapades when he's in town. It sounds like he's immature and not ready for anything permanent. Take a very cold shower and start looking at exactly how he uses you, taking advantage of your love for him to keep you on a string as he advances through other relationships. You can't allow that...not with somebody you are obviously still in love with....for whatever reason. Consciously take your power back...the power you have given him over you...and don't give it back to him. Be the captain of your ship and move on. Until you let go of this butthole, you will never find someone who will love you truly, exclusively and sincerely. And, by the way, love doesn't have a whole lot to do with it when you're around a manipulator and user. I'd even go so far as to say he has a component of narcissism. You can google that to learn more about it.
Author guinea01 Posted August 23, 2007 Author Posted August 23, 2007 Thanks tony for that reply. I suppose I just didn't want to see it as him "playing you like a fiddle for the duration of his visit", so I have been trying to believe his excuses and make some more of my own up! Deep down I guess I know he's a total prick, but its hard to understand the lengths some people will go to! If all he wanted was a shag for a few months, then believe me he would have had no problem finding some random chick he wouldn't have to had lied to! Arghh drives me nuts!
daphne Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 guinea, I think the positive thing that you can take from all of this, is that at the end of the day this guy wasn't the one. I know it's hard to hear, but I think that you know in your gut that the one isn't going to treat you like this. Your ex is emotionally unstable. He may have wanted you badly for a time, but ultimately not enough. He wanted intensity, emotion, and he still wants the security of knowing he can string you along and you'll be there. Until he lands elsewhere. Don't be his security blanket. He wanted to sweep you up in teh emotion. A guy that wants you will want to take it slower and let the relationship progress at a natural pace because he has as much invested as you do in seeing that it works. Someone who wants a quick result is not looking for something long lasting. He wouldn't want to screwit up. Someone like this guy isn't good relationship material. Down the road, you may feel sorry for him because you'll know in your heart that he's not going to really make it with anyone else until he can stop feeling bad about himself and start doing things right instead of #@!$#'ing everything up. Be kinder to yourself and expect someone better. I'm telling you this becaues, in my experience, this has always been the case without exception. Those that move too quickly, move without real intention. They are satisfying their urge to conquer and feel good in the moment. He didn't just get sex, he got your heart. Maybe he got scared at too much too soon orhe didn't want your heart. Either way, you have to protect yourself. And lastly, start thinking about what you want out of a relationship. And compare to what he's giving you. It's not about him anymore, it's about what you want. and I think you'll find that this isn't what you had in mind.
Author guinea01 Posted August 24, 2007 Author Posted August 24, 2007 daphne, Thanks so much for your perspective. After nearly 3 months, I can see that much of what you said is true, and especially this part: "Down the road, you may feel sorry for him because you'll know in your heart that he's not going to really make it with anyone else until he can stop feeling bad about himself and start doing things right instead of #@!$#'ing everything up" He's always managed to screw up things in his life - jobs, relationships, friendships. He's known as a charming and fun-loving guy, but also as the guy that no one can depend on, who always hurts people by being selfish. I guess that after knowing and loving him for 13 years, I thought that he really must have been serious this time, and realised what he had with me was worth being a better man (that he promised he was now). But yeah, that didnt happen. I just wish I didn't feel so resentful towards him for persuing me so relentlessly and filling my head with ideas of happy endings with him. Man, some people suck!
birdie Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 guinea, I think this is a typical case of getting the sort of thing out of a relationship you need - just like daphne said. I was in a similar position recently in the sense that I really liked the other person and vice versa but he was too distant with me (bad break up previously, bad family model, etc) and I just didn't see a way of getting around that as he wouldn't even discuss it with me properly (too defensive, power struggle, etc) we pretty much broke up over that reason (I used a different excuse but it was the reason). he knows he has intimacy issues, we kept in touch for months while we were both travelling but when we tried to patch things up it fell at the same hurdle again. I feel really bad because I am a bit older and I know exactly what the issues are but ultimately, it is not what I need. I don't want to look after somebody. sad as it is, there are times when you are not compatible with somebody and even if you see the reasons clearly, if the other person disagrees or not able to make that leap of faith then it's not going to work.
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