Peggy Posted August 23, 2007 Posted August 23, 2007 Advice. I think I am so close to these raw feelings that I cannot see it myself. Something so simple as learning to move on. So here I am at a crossroads. Oldest child going to college. I will miss her but I am ready. She has been independent and seldom home herself this past summer. But my child has been my whole world for so long and her activities and friends and coach very much a part of my life. She had a coach for over 8 years and I became the right arm to the team and a confidante and helper to her coach. I admired him and cherished his efforts and we became friends. But recently that feels as though it has changed with her moving on to college. Many years with an emotional attachment to this younger man that truly is moving on with his life and I just cannot seem to get a grip. really comes down to the fact that my dear husband travels so much and I miss him as a friend. I feel strangely very sad. Even though I have a busy life, loving husband and work on my plate. I am sure I am more emotional than I should be but I could use some good advice and some reason to sort this all out. Is it me? Is it simple or is there many levels to this upheavel I am feeling. Middle aged and emotionally attached... not only to my daughter but also to her coach. Much history and witnessed this younger guy growing up as a young professional ( 22-30 covers a good bit of time) into a professional independent adult and my daughter becoming so much like him, similar interests and chosen profession. Perhaps they will stay connected as peers eventually or mentor student. I feel so old. I guess I thought we would stay friends. There seems to be a distance I cannot reconnect. How do I encourage my husband to be a part of my life. His fiance is really great and good for him but it just is so clear that I was out of bounds and just too attached. Just a year ago we all traveled out of state together and I found I was the third wheel. Lonely in a crowd. We invited the couple over for dinner but they have politely consistently turned us down. We cannot seem to get together socially. So we are drifting apart. I do not want to lose a friend that represents such a nice part of our life. Fun and memories. I have known so well, who has listened to me, needed me. We both loved cherished the same things in many ways. Without his leadership, my daughter would not be in the field of study she is pursuing and I would not have had so many years of such fun and adventure. How do I move on? My daughter is growing up. My husband is never home, my friends all are centered on their own lives, and I miss this drama of life and this young man who was so kind and inspiring and needed me. Wouldn t it be nice to have all remained friends, dance at the wedding, been a part of each others lives? I guess I come from a small family and always assumed my friends would become extended family. I always thought he was a part of my family. But neither my husband or he really want that. My daughter will stay in touch with her coach and mentor. I must move on. I should be professionally distant. But it is breaking my heart on several levels. How does one transition after so much time in one role? Is this really a few problems--- aging and facing empty nest and losing a friendship that maybe never really was a friendship. I guess I miss what used to be......and he is certainly moving on. Will not miss me....for there are many parents of good athletes and a supportive wife will be at his side....who by the way looks like me completely and her mother could be my sister. How weird is that. I should be thankful for the memories. Any other advice?? Should we try one more time to invite them out socially? or should I just forget it. Seems like the past year has been a relationship in reverse....8 years of closeness and now the last months of drifting apart. like we never knew each other at all. Admittedly, I guess it is impossible to be couple friends w folks so much younger but will miss them like he was my nephew or brother.
Ssheena Posted August 23, 2007 Posted August 23, 2007 I know what you are going through! I'm taking my daughter to college on Friday! While I don't have a husband nor a person who I've had in my life for 8 years that is drifting away I can understand (maybe) what you are feeling. Because your husband is gone a lot (mine was too) you have put the coach in his position (to a degree) for those 8 years. Now everything is changing. Are you athletic? I ask because for me, taking up tennis has been the BEST thing I have done for myself in the past 5 years. I have made so many friends through tennis it is unbelievable. If your husband is athletic, it's a great sport for two of you. Plus, us women get to wear really cute flippy short skirts. It's very social. Just be careful not to develop a crush on your tennis instructor, which I have done more than once. At least you have a husband. I've got two dogs and five cats and I'd (wait, no I wouldn't) trade them for a significant other. Talk to him and tell him you miss him and tell him what you are going through. It's hard for lots of people when their kids go to college. I'm anticipating being a mess and very sad - even with video chat capability and being able to "see" her. I have lived my life and made many sacrifices for my children. Next year my son will go to college. It's not impossible to be friends with such a young couple but it may be possible that they are trying to gently seperate from you and know you are not wanting to. Good luck! Read others postings on here and you will realize you don't have it bad at all.
popey Posted August 23, 2007 Posted August 23, 2007 whenever we are faced with a drastic change in our lives, we can feel lost and suddenly insignificant, b/c that which we understood to define who we were, has ceased to exist. So, IMO, its time to be about something else. An organized group activity- and something group oriented. Wine class? Volunteer on a political campaign? Be a part of something new. Meet and at some point, connect, with new people, and find something new to care about, and be good at. I really think this is what you may be longing for, much more than the particular individual who you have lost. As for him. You may want to accept that this relationship has sunset. And just appreciate that you had the chance to have it.
popey Posted August 23, 2007 Posted August 23, 2007 whenever we are faced with a drastic change in our lives, we can feel lost and suddenly insignificant, b/c that which we understood to define who we were, has ceased to exist. So, IMO, its time to be about something else. An organized group activity- and something group oriented. Wine class? Volunteer on a political campaign? Be a part of something new. Meet and at some point, connect, with new people, and find something new to care about, and be good at. I really think this is what you may be longing for, much more than the particular individual who you have lost. As for him. You may want to accept that this relationship has sunset. And just appreciate that you had the chance to have it.
Author Peggy Posted August 24, 2007 Author Posted August 24, 2007 How true these seem to be. I am to get on with life. I just cannot believe I was so foolish to be so involved. I actually am embarrassed. More so for the coach issue as likely I will see him again. If we were true friends it would not matter so but it seems he is well aware of the emotional attachment. I am sure I will not be invited even to the wedding. How could I be, really.... as it is my daughter will have a long career ahead and she may or may not keep in touch with him. They will laugh at how foolish I am. I need to rediscover who I am.
Ssheena Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 They will be being cruel if they "laugh at how foolish" you say you are. What, you think you are the only one who hasn't ever had a crush on someone? It not's a laughing matter, it's one to look at and remember how they have been in the same situation. You're doing fine.
Kasan Posted August 24, 2007 Posted August 24, 2007 I understand where you are coming from! My kids did sports in school also. I felt terrible when the youngest finally graduated. It dawned on me that I had spent ten years of my life picking them up, going to meets and socializing with everyone on the weekends. You wonder what you will do with all this free time. I remember my daughter's senior year, struggling about letting her go, worrying would my marriage be okay...would she be okay. The strangest thing happened that summer...a bird decided to build a nest in a wreath that I had on the front door, a door that was used three or four times a day. We got to see the bird raise the three babies as well as the first attempts at flying. These babies did alot of wobbling on our front deck....but off they went. I don't believe in coincidences, but what are the odds something like this would happen? I took this lesson to heart and it helped with letting go. My son finally left for college three years later and it was a piece of cake. There is life after the kids leave..we followed their college sports, but it wasn't the same. Perhaps you are being unkind to yourself as far as the coach goes. Beating yourself up so to speak. Sometimes we make these things out in our minds as worse then they actually are. Be kinder to yourself.
Author Peggy Posted August 24, 2007 Author Posted August 24, 2007 oh thank you.....so much, just to have folks that are listening. Perhaps I am worried too much. I should tell you though we did have some wonderful fun and great memories. Just strange how a relationship can be in reverse and I can see the change has been happening. He was beautiful to watch grow up too. From 22 to 30 that is a lot of growing up and a series of nice girls came and went. But we will always have good memories. And maybe I should just give it some time and if our paths cross just take a deep breath and smile and maybe we will always be friends.....like that song says- I will go down with the ship. Always appreciate the past, love him for that and that is that. So I feel like an aunt and I do not even need to go to the wedding. And I need to learn to sail my own ship! and figure out how to include spouse.
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