ookla_2 Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 I'm feeling like venting today. As I was mowing the backyard, I was pondering my recent marital issues, and I let myself get a little pissed off. Those of you who have read my previous thread may wonder how on earth I can justify ME getting pissed off, considering I was the one who had the EA and got caught last year. Here is my question, and I am sure I know how my H would answer it, how about you? I know, the EA was a horrible thing. I know what damage it caused my H and the potential damage that could have been done to my children. However, does this ONE misstep on my part negate all of the good that I have done for my H and for my family over the years? For instance: What about all those years when I was the one holding things together? When I was the only one at home? When I was the only one attending soccer games, or planning and executing birthday parties? What about EVERY year at Christmas, when I plan and purchase ALL of the gifts? What about all the times, in the BAD years, when H worked nights, then went out and partied, when I spent sleepless nights worrying about whether or not he was dead, in jail, or (of course) with some other woman? What about the nights when he DID come home, waking me up, then spewing insults at me when I refused to have sex with him (because I have to be up in two hours, you reek, and I'm not very happy with you at this moment)? What about later, in the GOOD years, when H (who is self-employed) got so money hungry that he literally worked 7 days a week, some days never seeing the kids at all, no matter how often I told him we didn't need that much money, that time with the family is more precious? (he didn't agree with that until after I suggested the separation) What about the woman HE met last year, when I was out of town, visiting my dying grandfather, who had no idea that the kids and I existed, AND who he gave his phone number to? (he swears nothing happened, I have my doubts. He had access to an empty house, was very drunk, and I know they were together until 5AM) For years, I have just sat on all of that. I (thought) I let it all go, for the sake of peace within the family. However, I do not feel like it is fair that now, any issues within our marriage get blamed on my EA. It's like I've never done anything good, that this is my legacy, and if anything negative does happen to our marriage, it will be because of MY mistake, not any of his. I'm not trying to make myself out to be a saint. Or to make my H out to be a bad guy. He has come a long way, truly he has, and I believe I have too. Is this me standing up for myself (finally - I've never been good at that), or is this me pushing blame off somewhere else? I don't know what to think anymore.
Kasan Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 I wondered how you were doing--sorry to hear that you are having a bad day. It sounds like that you are getting tired of having your EA being held over your head by your husband. Has he been able to forgive you? Have you forgiven yourself? Have you both considered counseling together or talking to someone who is a neutral party? Have you done any research or reading online about surviving an affair--especially from his perspective? From what I have heard, forgiveness can take a long time to happen--and both of you have trust issues with each other. Resentments build up in a marriage and we both know that marriage is never 50-50, so I hear your frustration. It sounds like you were carrying more of the load earlier on, but your husband was willing to assume more after your EA. You said in your earlier posts that you had difficulty standing up for yourself. What have you done to start working on that? This might help with your anger. We all want and need to be heard--and it sounds like you need to find your voice. Keep posting--there are good people here ready to lend their great advice.
whichwayisup Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 However, does this ONE misstep on my part negate all of the good that I have done for my H and for my family over the years? For instance: Unfortunately, yes, it does. All the love, faith and trust your H had in you went up in a puff of a smoke. Many say EA's are JUST as damaging, if not MORE than PA's...But, everyone handles them differently - For some the physical part is worse... . However, I do not feel like it is fair that now, any issues within our marriage get blamed on my EA You two need to fix whatever was broken BEFORE you had the EA. Find out why you felt the need to go outside of your marriage. Try some individual counselling and marriage counselling with your husband. Hopefully together you two can make your marriage stronger and more open.
Author ookla_2 Posted August 22, 2007 Author Posted August 22, 2007 Thanks for your replies, Kasan and WWIU. I know counseling can be beneficial, and I feel like I was making strides in mine before. However, he was very uncomfortable when I was attending, and always concerned about WHY I felt I needed counseling, what could I possibly be saying, and why can't I just talk to him? He went with me one time, and it was disastrous. I totally clammed up. I literally could not talk about what was bothering me in front of him, how sick is that? I've spent so many years hiding my feelings, because I didn't want to dwell on them. I felt like that would be me feeling sorry for myself, and I simply did not have time for that. For years, I was just numb. I literally just went about my life, without a whole lot of help from or interaction with him, and just assumed that was the way it was and the way it would always be. I'm not exaggerating when I say I literally went YEARS without shedding a tear about anything. That all changed when several things hit me at one time. I got laid off from a job that I loved, that I worked hard at for 6 years. All of my friends there, my support group, were all laid off as well. My grandfather passed away (and my husband did little to support me emotionally at that time - case in point, him going out and meeting that woman the night I was saying my goodbye to my grandfather), and then my EA was discovered. All within a few months. Needless to say, once the waterworks started, they didn't stop. I became much more introspective, and I've never been that way before, neither is my husband. I think that's why he has a problem with me going to counseling. I don't think it's because he's worrying about how it will benefit me (i.e., making me stronger), but because he just doesn't understand it. And, of course, with my inability to stand up for myself these days, I don't push the issue. WWIU, I understand the ramifications of my EA, I truly do. Trust me, I beat myself up about it daily. I'm just tired of doing that, and maybe this is my way of getting my backbone up. I'm no angel, I'm guilty of doing damage to my marriage. However, I'm not the only guilty party here, and I am tired of feeling like I am. FYI - the other woman he met/potentially spent the night with, came to light right before my EA did. Once my EA came to light, she was never mentioned again. Is that fair? Does that mean that because I was caught doing wrong that he is absolved from what he did? Lastly, I think my main issue is (and this stems from my previous counseling sessions) that he has NEVER, in all the years we've been together, acknowledged the way he treated me before. He insists that all he has EVER done is work hard and try to support us. The mornings when I would wake him up and tell him the horrible things he said to me the night before when drunk, he would even accuse me of making them up, just to start a fight. To this day (and I tried to have a conversation with him about this the other night, to no avail, because he immediately turned it around to what I did) he thinks that he has done no wrong by me. In SIXTEEN years!
Mustang Sally Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 I think WWIU has some good points. But I also think that "it takes two to tango." If your M was lacking for you - in whatever ways, both real and perceived - it becomes not just YOUR problem, but a problem for BOTH of you. That, in my opinion, is just the way it is in marriage. You cannot really separate one person's issues from the other person, because both people are so significantly affected by the other. In ways pretty much unlike any other partnership I can think of. So, even if you are the one who had the EA, there are/were clearly marital problems that "belonged" to BOTH of you. I know many might say NOT SO: the one who had the A is wholely at fault. But I just can't see that. Call me old-fashioned.....
Author ookla_2 Posted August 22, 2007 Author Posted August 22, 2007 Thank you, Sally. I know we have issues, and always have. I just got so good at making things look good on the outside...playing the role - working full-time, taking care of the kids and the house, being the soccer mom, helping H with his business, etc.. You know the woman that other women say "I don't know how you do it"? That was me. Push problems away, pretend they don't exist. Boy, I'm learning now that, no matter how long you push them down, they do resurface eventually!!!
silktricks Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 All problems in a marriage do not just belong to one person, and your husband needs to understand that. The fact that you had an EA shows that there were some issues going on. As much respect as I have for wwiu' this is one time that I disagree. Everything you have done right through the years should not just go poof since you screwed up. Your husband does need time to heal, and that can take some time. But you also have some issues that must be addressed. In all honesty, if your issues aren't dealt with as well as his, then the marriage will again faulter. Your husband needs to understand that his pain is not more valuable than yours, nor does the fact that your actions caused his pain mean that he theb has a get out of jail free card for evetthing he does. That said, if you really want your marriage to work, you need to pick up from where you are right now, by yesterday or last week or last month or last year. Tell your husband that you want to bury the past. Have a ceremony0and bury it. My g and I wrote out long hand all of the hurts we had felt from the other. All the bad things we had done to the other. We did not read each others pain or confession. Instead, we wrapped placed both papers into a very nice box, went for a hike in the mountain and together cast the box over a cliff. I suggest this as a method of renewal, but both partners need to be able to say goodbye to the problems and not bring them up anymore. Your h may not be ready for that yet. Good luck.
Author ookla_2 Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 Just hearing someone else tell me that his pain is not more important than mine makes so much sense. Why could I never see that for myself? I've become such a doormat. I think that I let all of those things go for so long that dredging them back up won't do a bit of good. However, I am going to make sure I stick up for myself from now on. Today is a NEW day, and maybe the start of a NEW ookla!
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