Long distance, how many have survive and how many don't

[smoochygirl]

I think that's a great story, smoochygirl. I'm not against long-distance relationships in principle. But if you want someone to be with in three dimensions, then they can be a way of selling yourself short. They require an amount of faith that I don't have.

 

I've had long distance relationships. The last one I had was short-lived, but she was a special person. If we lived near each other, I'm sure it would have worked out. I just couldn't deal with more distance in my most important relationship. I'm not willing to sign up to promises of a future together at some unknown future date. That date never comes.

 

I'm not sure I'll ever have the patience I had before. It's not a choice, it's just a reaction. Considering the amount of faith you have to put in someone to be with them, regardless of the distance, I'm pretty sure I'm not capable of having a relationship now. I don't desire one. But I'm happy for you.

 

 

Thanks:-)

 

I Feel that way too before i met my husband. I just don't have time to wait, i always think why would i get one that are far away from me if i can have a R with someone who is just a phone call away. Until i met my husband, i realized how much patience i got and i realized how much i value our R. If you finally meet someone you really have a strong connection to, strong chemistry, someone you really love to talk to everyday of your life, no matter how far away she is you would do your best to be with her.

[smoochygirl]

Yeah I just got here a week ago. I'm from Europe - England in fact.

 

Where in Asia are you from?

 

Japan. how do you like american so far? I love it here so much, lot's of good people.

[catrocks]

Yeah it's great I've visited many times before but now I'm actually living here it's completely different. I love it though

[corazoncito]

Hey Catrocks and Smoochygirl,

 

Did you already know people when you moved to the US or was it more like "starting over"?

[Capricciosa]

The problem that often crops up in LDR is that you don't really know the person or how they operate on daily basis. You get an idealized version of them on the phone, or on visits, or via email. Plus, you often don't have references for them: family, friends, ex-girlfriends. They're kind of in a vacuum. That's what did in my LDR. Two years at distance, then crash and burn once we got together in the same geographical space because ultimately, we did not know each other in a realistic, day to day way. People can only really get to know each other on the ground level. I really do hope it works out for those who are giving it a go, but expect many, many surprises (and not only the good kind). Not to mention the pressure to make it work once a big gesture like a move from far away has been made. The person who has moved will always resort to it in a fight (I moved here for you!), and the other person will feel responsible for him/her, more than would be normal or required if he/she had a life beyond you in the new place. (I hope this makes sense)

[smoochygirl]

Hey Catrocks and Smoochygirl,

 

Did you already know people when you moved to the US or was it more like "starting over"?

 

I met my husband when he wrote me a letter, (fan mail). It is funny though because i never thought anything, i just call him for fun. Then call him again until i gave up my number. We start talking online more and more everyday and over the phone. This is really just an accident i would never even recommend it to anybody because it is not really a good idea to fully trust someone u have never met in person. Then he visited me to my country, a lot of mix feeling the first time i met him but i sure do love him and i feel like i've known him for a long period of time. We live in my country for months and i decided to move here with him since he has a good job here and i decided to go back to school.

[catrocks]

Hey Catrocks and Smoochygirl,

 

Did you already know people when you moved to the US or was it more like "starting over"?

 

I know my fiance and his family but that's it.... he himself has not long lived in this area so he doesn't know anyone besides the people at work either. So I guess it's like "starting over" but we're doing it together so it makes it nicer

[smoochygirl]

The problem that often crops up in LDR is that you don't really know the person or how they operate on daily basis. You get an idealized version of them on the phone, or on visits, or via email. Plus, you often don't have references for them: family, friends, ex-girlfriends. They're kind of in a vacuum. That's what did in my LDR. Two years at distance, then crash and burn once we got together in the same geographical space because ultimately, we did not know each other in a realistic, day to day way. People can only really get to know each other on the ground level. I really do hope it works out for those who are giving it a go, but expect many, many surprises (and not only the good kind). Not to mention the pressure to make it work once a big gesture like a move from far away has been made. The person who has moved will always resort to it in a fight (I moved here for you!), and the other person will feel responsible for him/her, more than would be normal or required if he/she had a life beyond you in the new place. (I hope this makes sense)

 

You have a point, my friend who is in korea right now regrets her marriage because she is starting to see the real color of her husband, they met online. Anyway she marry him right away as soon as they met and she ignore all the red flags. Physical attraction last.

When i start dating my H online we talk everyday on the phone and online, He visited me and live together then got engaged, we were engaged for a year before we got married. Now i am married for a year and so far everything is the same. We have ups and down but it happens to any couple, As far as his family and friends, I am very overwhelm by the acceptance and love they show me. I am very close to his mother. I move here for the better because i could never see myself without him.

[catrocks]

The problem that often crops up in LDR is that you don't really know the person or how they operate on daily basis. You get an idealized version of them on the phone, or on visits, or via email. Plus, you often don't have references for them: family, friends, ex-girlfriends. They're kind of in a vacuum. That's what did in my LDR. Two years at distance, then crash and burn once we got together in the same geographical space because ultimately, we did not know each other in a realistic, day to day way. People can only really get to know each other on the ground level. I really do hope it works out for those who are giving it a go, but expect many, many surprises (and not only the good kind). Not to mention the pressure to make it work once a big gesture like a move from far away has been made. The person who has moved will always resort to it in a fight (I moved here for you!), and the other person will feel responsible for him/her, more than would be normal or required if he/she had a life beyond you in the new place. (I hope this makes sense)

I agree that in certain LDRs you don't get to know the real, everyday person. For me it was not like this because we did not meet online, we met while he was based in Europe and dated for 1.5 years before he got his orders to come back to the US. I don't feel a pressure to make it work - I wouldn't have moved here if I didn't know what I wanted or didn't think we could make it. I certainly don't expect it to be perfect from here on out - like any relationship, ours will hit bad patches, but if our LDR has taught us anything it's that communication is absolutely essential - we have always gotten through rough times by talking about it and realising that what we have is not worth giving up just because of distance... or anything.

 

But there are also many couples who meet online and manage to make it work in person as well - so perhaps it depends on each couple, just as it would in a non-LDR.

[corazoncito]

I know my fiance and his family but that's it.... he himself has not long lived in this area so he doesn't know anyone besides the people at work either. So I guess it's like "starting over" but we're doing it together so it makes it nicer

 

That's great. I think it can help in some cases when you're both starting from a new place, rather one person coming into the other's space.

 

I met my husband when he wrote me a letter, (fan mail). It is funny though because i never thought anything, i just call him for fun. Then call him again until i gave up my number. We start talking online more and more everyday and over the phone. This is really just an accident i would never even recommend it to anybody because it is not really a good idea to fully trust someone u have never met in person. Then he visited me to my country, a lot of mix feeling the first time i met him but i sure do love him and i feel like i've known him for a long period of time. We live in my country for months and i decided to move here with him since he has a good job here and i decided to go back to school.

 

I'm glad it worked out for you! I can understand what you are saying about that approach not being for everyone, but I do believe it can work out with the right people and right timing. I have a some friends, a couple, who met in a kind of similar way. They are also both from different countries. They've been married almost 20 years now, I think, and are very happy.