Hestia Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 Is it? I just got hammered on another post so i wanted to know everybody's opinion. Is it a conscious decision? From my experience, I don't think I'm much in control of my own willpower when I'm under the inicial effect of "falling in love". Or maybe I'm the only one who lives it too intensily? Does the "just say no" mantra works all the time? And I don't mean only in romantic relations. Do you love your family because they are your family or because they support you?
Trialbyfire Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 Real love grows by continued exposure and allowing yourself to feel that way. Lust or the quick endorphin-high is controllable and it's a conscious decision to continue on or to shut it down. Even if you've allowed yourself to fall in love with someone, you can still consciously walk away. Been there, done that, more than once, although never with someone who was currently in a committed relationship, or myself in a committed relationship with someone else. It's like saying, I had to eat that box of donuts because I wanted them or I hit that person because I was drunk. Well...no...no one has to do anything. You may crave whatever you want but you don't have to act on it. Put down the romance novels...
Cobra_X30 Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 Sorry, My intent was not to hammer you. If you get your ideas on love from movies and romance novels your going to be misled. There is this famous analogy of two wolves which dwell within you Love and Hate. The question is which is stronger.... the answer... the one you feed the most. You control your thoughts just like you control your hands. You feed the love with your thoughts, or dont feed it! Focus positive, focus negative... your thoughts your choice. When I love its like a raging river... but I control where and how fast it flows. It also means that it can be steady, constant... and forever.
bones Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 I think chemistry causes the initial attraction -- but it isn't love. Love takes time. If you love someone that much, you would give him/her away to someone else if that is what would make him/her truly happy. True feelings of love for someone can't be shut off like a switch. WE do however all have control over our behavior and how we choose to express or repress our feelings.
Yamaha Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 Real love grows by continued exposure and allowing yourself to feel that way. Lust or the quick endorphin-high is controllable and it's a conscious decision to continue on or to shut it down. Even if you've allowed yourself to fall in love with someone, you can still consciously walk away. Been there, done that, more than once, although never with someone who was currently in a committed relationship, or myself in a committed relationship with someone else. It's like saying, I had to eat that box of donuts because I wanted them or I hit that person because I was drunk. Well...no...no one has to do anything. You may crave whatever you want but you don't have to act on it. Put down the romance novels... Exactly. Love grows over time but lust can be instant. You have a mind and you can say no even if your very attracted to someone. Many people enjoy the high of meeting and the animal attraction that goes with chemistry but real love is a slow burn and lasts and is a choice.
JamesM Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 Real love grows by continued exposure and allowing yourself to feel that way. Lust or the quick endorphin-high is controllable and it's a conscious decision to continue on or to shut it down. Even if you've allowed yourself to fall in love with someone, you can still consciously walk away. Been there, done that, more than once, although never with someone who was currently in a committed relationship, or myself in a committed relationship with someone else. It's like saying, I had to eat that box of donuts because I wanted them or I hit that person because I was drunk. Well...no...no one has to do anything. You may crave whatever you want but you don't have to act on it. Put down the romance novels... What she said. Love is a choice. And yes, even those feelings of excitement that come from the pit of your stomach. You CAN walk away...even though you do not want to do it. That is why many people can be initially attracted to someone, but when they develop a closer relationship, they realize that this person is NOT someone they want to love. You HAVE control of your feelings.
StayClose Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 If who you love is not a choice, then you could not prosecute stalkers or sexual harassers because afterall, we have no control or choice who we love. Of course we have a choice. But at the same time, the choice is not as easy as choising between two resturants across the streeet from each other. I compare it to navagating an ocean liner. You can't change direction on a dime, but over a reasonable amount of time you can control the direction of your emotions the way a ship captain controls the movements of a large ship.
Capricciosa Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 I echo what everyone else has said. We can choose to love someone or not. The beginning stages are infatuation, sexual attraction and a lot of projection. They sometimes lead to love, often don't. Harder to walk away from love because it took a long time to get there--hopefully it developed because the person is wonderful and makes you feel good in many different ways. But even that can be done if the price is too high. As for infatuation, well that can be lots of fun, but it is important to see it for what it is and not start swearing undying devotion before you know who the person is.
Trialbyfire Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 If who you love is not a choice, then you could not prosecute stalkers or sexual harassers because afterall, we have no control or choice who we love. Of course we have a choice. But at the same time, the choice is not as easy as choising between two resturants across the streeet from each other. I compare it to navagating an ocean liner. You can't change direction on a dime, but over a reasonable amount of time you can control the direction of your emotions the way a ship captain controls the movements of a large ship. I agree mostly with what you're saying but I disagree that you can't change course on a dime. You can stop your actions at any time, regardless of whether or not you can stop your emotions. Fake it 'til you make it, if you have to.
StayClose Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 I agree mostly with what you're saying but I disagree that you can't change course on a dime. You can stop your actions at any time, regardless of whether or not you can stop your emotions. Fake it 'til you make it, if you have to. I'm talking about emotions. Have you ever been rejected by the person you through was "the one"? It's not like finding out the movie you wanted to see is sold out and choosing to see a different one.
Trialbyfire Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 I'm talking about emotions. Have you ever been rejected by the person you through was "the one"? It's not like finding out the movie you wanted to see is sold out and choosing to see a different one. Rejection is a whole 'nother ball game. It's not only love involved in this. Much of the time most of it is pride, ego, anger and other self-esteem issues bundled up. This thread is about...luurrrvvveee...
StayClose Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 Rejection is a whole 'nother ball game. It's not only love involved in this. Much of the time most of it is pride, ego, anger and other self-esteem issues bundled up. This thread is about...luurrrvvveee... I'm afraid that for most people, pride, ego, anger, self esteem issues and of course lust are inexorably bundled up with love.
Trialbyfire Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 I'm afraid that for most people, pride, ego, anger, self esteem issues and of course lust are inexorably bundled up with love. So you feel that everytime you fall in love, you're always rejected?
Arizona100 Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 I don't think you can choose to love or not, like you said, you can choose to walk away.
StayClose Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 So you feel that everytime you fall in love, you're always rejected? No. What I'm saying is that when most people are in love, ego, fear, lust and other emotions are often invlolved, and it can be very difficult to spearate them. Getting rejected brings the negitive emotions to the surface, and the way to get over a rejection is for the love to die down. If you really loved the person, this doesn't take two minutes or two days or maybe even two months. Like turning an ocean liner around, and the more you loved the person, the longer this process takes.
Author Hestia Posted August 21, 2007 Author Posted August 21, 2007 Put down the romance novels... That's harsh...
Trialbyfire Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 That's harsh... Try living through a divorce because your ex-H cheated... Love ain't enough baby...
Yellowboy Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 I think it's a choice. I've been in numerous situations where I was interested in a person but did not pursue it due to my own personal choice. Like there was this really cute girl I was interested in, I think we fairly had a good thing going, but ultimately my mind wasn't over my ex and felt it was unfair to the girl like she'd be a rebound, so I decided not to ask her out. That right there was a choice. Another example, I love one of my ex even to this day. She broke things off with me and I was really shattered at that time. We had a professional relationship for 3 years after that and we've learned more about each other. She's went through 2 relationships, one which I was against because he lied to her about not being married. I still worry about her choice of men, but there's nothing I can do. I always tell myself, if you love her so much, let her go and wish for her happiness. I still struggle in my mind, but that is what I keep telling myself. I also consider this a choice. It's all about patience, restraint and conditioning your mind.
Arizona100 Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 You were interested, you weren't in love .. What you chose to do is not to take it further, and that's different. And as you say, to this day you love your ex, so clearly you don't have control over your feelings for her.
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